Trouble with sil

Lovbnmoma

Hi guys, Just wanted to know has anyone else here had trouble with their sil before and how do you deal with it? Iknow that my sil has been **** stirring and bitching about me, now normally I wouldnt mind this as not everyone can like you but this girl would have a huge influence on the rest of the family and their views so im worried that she is trying to turn the family against me. She isnt my actual sil yet but im with my partner for 12 years now and have two kids with him so she practically is, just was easier to put in title! Now I dont want to cause a rift in my partner's family but im finding it very difficult to bite my tongue when around her and find myself getting quite bitter bout it. How the hell do you deal with people like her? I cant confront her cause she will turn it into such a huge thing and involve the rest of the family in it which I really dont want. My partner agrees with everything that the way she has been treating me is wrong but I dont think he will confront her either cause she is so difficult. What you think guys?

Lucyfur

Moved from The Ladies' Lounge
OP, Personal Issues is a more appropriate forum for you thread, you will get better answers here.

Big Bag of Chips

It depends on the kind of things she says. If she puts you down or asks you inappropriate questions a very simple thing to do is just look at her and say, very calmly and politely, "Why do you think that?" Or "that's not a very nice thing to say" etc..

Just question things that she says without 'having it out' with her. Let her dig her own hole by trying to answer.

Lovbnmoma

There has been a couple of things she has done lately behind my back that im not sure she knows that I know, here is an example, she kept fobbing off one of the woman I chat to about coming to visit her and her new baby, this woman was getting sick of been turned down everytime she text which was about 6 times so I mentioned it to her about the woman feeling like she didnt want her to call to the house at all so I told her this, she ate the head off me saying she was busy bla bla bla and I just said to her that Im only saying what this woman thought. Then she goes and texts the woman saying "Lovbnmoma told me that you were,etc" in a quite bitchy way, she has left me out of alot of get togethers on purpose lately aswell. Up to this point I was nearly trying too hard with her and I felt I was very good to her, always willing to help her but she never takes up offer, she doesnt even let me hold her baby for longer than 2 seconds yet lets other family members hold him. I am just not sure whether I should approach her to see what her problem is or not? Its fairly obvious that she does have a problem. Some day I feel I might blurt out something cause as I said before I find it hard to bite my tongue! She doesnt really say anything to my face which is harder I think cause I cant confront her about anything like you mentioned doing. Sorry for long post!

Taltos

OP

do you think you might just be trying a bit too hard here?
Just wondering, as working as a go between her and the friend is a little intrusive into their friendship and really unless you were asked to talk to her you really might have been better saying nothing.

In terms of her not letting you hold her child for extended periods - again that is her choice and the best thing you can do is just accept it.

Personally I think you need to step back a little bit, remain friendly but I would no longer go out of my way to try to be friends with her. Maybe with that space a natural friendship could develop but just because you are in-laws does not mean you both have to get on and maybe just accepting that can give you some peace of mind here.

Lovbnmoma

Yeah your right Taltos, im going to stop making too much effort with her. I just hate when there is tension between myself and someone else. Think ill just have to stop over thinking things too much and keep my mouth shut. Think thats my problem, I thought I would have been helping that woman by telling the sis that she felt like that but your right I probably shouldnt have gotten involved in the first place. Thanks for the reply, I know there are way worse things going on in the world, just wanted to see really if there was anyone else in the same situation.

Thumby

Hey op
I was in a similar situation myself not to long ago. I've now cut all ties to my sil but for my partners sake will be civil to her when forced to be in her company. Just make sure your oh knows why you feel like you do and that you won't go out of your way to bow down to her but that because you love and respect him you will keep your cool when in her company but you won't be giving her anymore chances. Above all though make sure he knows you don't expect him to choose sides between ye.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah - I think the more you tried to make her like you , the more you just "got in her way".

Don't try so hard. Be civil when you meet, but accept that she'll never be your friend. You are only thrown together, because you are with her brother.... If you weren't with her brother, would she be the sort of person you'd like to be friends with? If your answer is no, then you don't need to be friends with her.

I don't particularly like one of my sisters-in-law. I am polite and civil in her company, some might say we actually get on quite well! - but I'm not her "friend" - and I have no interest in being.

jdsk2006

Give her a wide berth is my advice, tho going from experience that will probably antagonise her as much as if you were to challenge her to a row! Save yourself years of heartache girl and back completely off and retrain yourself to not give a damn what she says/thinks. IMO this could turn very toxic if you dont keep out of her way

Thumby

+1 on what jdsk said. My sil took a dislike to me before we even met, yet she went out of her way to be "nice" to me and to gain my confidence. The min she thought this had worked she started dripping poison in my ear about my oh, keep in mind i'm pregnant for him and am already at risk of losing the babs, but that didn't stop her. Everything that was said back to me i obviously told himself. We were both expecting something like it as she has form for this behaviour with all her siblings. She tried to turn myself and my oh against each other but it didn't work. Oh and the rest of the family,all of whom i know extremely well, but now that she knows it didn't and won't ever wor it's stopped. I made it clear to my oh how i felt and how i'll "behave" around her, (basic civility no more no less) and he has made both my position and his own clear to her.
Its completely stopped now.

Lovbnmoma

Thanks so much everyone who replied, its great to hear other people's stories. I have actually said to my partner that im not going to try anymore with her, just going to be civil towards her. He agrees that this is the best thing and I said to him not to be taking sides, that he is more than welcome to call over to see her with the kids but im not going to go over as much as we used to. she is having a birthday party for one of her boys this weekend and im actually looking forward to not trying so hard anymore, im just going to relax and play with the kids. I suppose the least ammunition I give her for bitching about me the better so I will stay away from her from now on. Thanks again guys!