Now what???

Erper

Im kinda in a situation that i dont know where to start or what to do next...
I mean i have some idea but...

Ive lived with my girlfriend (fiance, we were engaged for 4y) but everything broke when ive decided not to listen bul*** stories that something cant be done...
All im saying is that her family had fingers in our relationship since day one but ive started to feel angry about it since 2y ago..
At the end ive moved oud recently and she didnt even had guts to tell me that we are not together anymore...

My reason why i left was because of her family not because of her...
And she dont see that...
Now i feel like s*** that those 6y meant nothing...

I need help and advice with now what...

Cause ive been trying to keep contact with her but all she is saying to me is YOU MOVED OUT...
That doesnt mean that i dont want to be with her...


HELP

Gooner111

Well she obviously didn't take your leaving well and why should she? It might be her family you have issue with but you left her. Did you try discussing your problems before moving out? Did you explain why you decided to move out?? Did you reassure her that you aren't breaking up and want to keep the relationship going?? Did you stay in contact, drop in to see her regularly, arrange date nights or did you ignore her and let some time pass to give yourself space?? If I were in that same position and a girl I was seeing for years, was engaged to for years, decided to move out to give herself some space I would consider it the end and their decision too. Look at it from her perspective... how would you react?

She is obviously close to her family and if you've made it a me or them choice..well it looks like you have your answer. She is probably still hurt and upset but try talk to her again. If that doesn't work then probably best to accept that she isn't the girl for you and move on with your life as best you can.

Erper

Gooner111 wrote: »

Well she obviously didn't take your leaving well and why should she? It might be her family you have issue with but you left her. Did you try discussing your problems before moving out? Did you explain why you decided to move out?? Did you reassure her that you aren't breaking up and want to keep the relationship going?? Did you stay in contact, drop in to see her regularly, arrange date nights or did you ignore her and let some time pass to give yourself space?? If I were in that same position and a girl I was seeing for years, was engaged to for years, decided to move out to give herself some space I would consider it the end and their decision too. Look at it from her perspective... how would you react?

She is obviously close to her family and if you've made it a me or them choice..well it looks like you have your answer. She is probably still hurt and upset but try talk to her again. If that doesn't work then probably best to accept that she isn't the girl for you and move on with your life as best you can.

the thing is that ive been talking about this kinda problem with her since this february when i actually realized that our life plans are different to what we planed few years ago when we got engaged...

im trying to stay in contact with her, im not avoiding her or anything like that but i actually want to stay with her...
we even went for therapist one session and therapist said that i still want to work those things out but she have to accept that i will never live with her family anymore...

i never asked her to choose between me and her familly as that sound stupid, just asked her when she will realize that sometimes its time to move on from them and have family on her own...

i always put myself in oposit possition as i dont want to look just things from my perspective but trying to be objective as much as i can...
sometimes those things does not end up as they should but i still try...

she said she is hurt as i left her...
but when im trying to talk to her about its all about i left her and she dont want to listen to me ...

also when therapist asked her does she knew that i was unhappy with surrounding i was living in, she said yes... but that those things pass if you occupy your mind with something else...

Erper

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi there

When you moved out, surely you told her why? I am not really understanding why this wasn't clear between the two of you.

Moving out of the home you shared is making a huge statement, and if you just upped and left one day (??) then I am not surprised she came to the conclusion it was over.

With regards to her family, you have to remember who you are in the relationship with.

In what way were you letting them upset/influence the relationship?

If she is unwilling to talk to you,then you are going to have to accept there is no going back and start on the tough road to healing yourself.

Don't look at the six years as a waste -no relationship is that. You grew as a person while with her, you learnt how to behave in a relationship, you learnt you have the capacity to love.

Your life is not over, even if it feels that. Change can often be unpleasant, but it leads to many exciting, new adventures, too.

Take some time out to clear your head, get your thoughts together, write down how you feel in a letter if it helps.

Whatever happens, you will be ok.

xx

The thing is that ive been saying for long time now that i dont see myself living that kind if way anymore...

It was too much presure on me that i had to do this step...

I never left because of her and i was saying over and over for the last 2 weeks...

Stavro Mueller

I think you're going round and round in circles here. And not just with your fiancee refusing to go beyond the "You moved out" point in the conversation. I suspect there is a communication problem here but the underlying issue is even worse.

Going by what you've written here, it looks like she is utterly unwilling to budge on her position regarding her family. It's telling that when you went to see a therapist, she acknowledged that you were unhappy with your living circumstances but went on to say "those things pass if you occupy your mind with something else..." I don't know how you would even begin to deal with a person who's thinking like that.

Erper

Thats what i said...

Her family is way too important than trying to live on her own or with fiance/boyfriend or whatever i am now...

But this is just one of things that made my cup full where i decided to move out...
Its been 2.5 weeks since i moved and there is no txt or anything from her...

Last thing ive heard from a friend that she was out few says ago with 2 friends.... and thats how do u express your feeling when you are shocked???

Overheal

Friends could have dragged her out; otherwise, yes, it's a typically reaction in the situation to go out and blow off some steam. Also to have a rebound, because fcuk it, you've just been walked out on by your fiance', you're of course going to have some self esteem issues after that, so go get drunk and hook up with random guy for cheap confidence thrill.

Sorry. I don't mean to sound so abrasive, but that's the mindset.

Existentialism. You love this woman. That woman's family is part of who she is. So, you have a conundrum in Dundrum there.

Erper

So in as conclusion... thats it ???

I cannot be part of her family as i dont want to live with them until i die...

But if she dont want to know for me anymore thats different story...

She can do whatever she want from now on...
I dont care. I will still be hurt for things that she would never understand and for things that she is doing now for the last 2 weeks...

I did accepted that its her family and she is part of it but i realized that she wikl never be able to live on her own without them....

Stavro Mueller

Until she calms down and decides to either listen to you or reflect on what has happened, you're on a hiding to nothing. I've a feeling that even if you tried writing a letter or an email, she'd get rid of it on the spot. It might be worth a try, more out of hope than anything else. At the moment you are probably her least favourite person on the planet and it's likely that her ear is being filled by her family (and friends, possibly) bitching about you. Only she can move beyond it and take on board what you've been telling her without success.

Even if she does decide to hear you out, you still have a big big problem. Unless she takes definite steps and can prove to you that things have changed, you're back to square one. She has to want to change things. Does she want to? Or will you always be Number 2 in her list of priorities?

Erper

Sorry guys for some misspeled words as im writing from the phone...

Thats what i was thinking, as long as she is with them she will not change her mind about me and what happened...

So i think the best option for me is to let her go with her decision because its been hard probably for both of us (considering that she was all shocked by my decision but still managed to enjoy while im not there)..

I have explanied my decision of leaving over and over and no result so in my opinion i think its the to let her decide...

But i think that she already did...

Overheal

Erper wrote: »

Sorry guys for some misspeled words as im writing from the phone...

Know all too well

Thats what i was thinking, as long as she is with them she will not change her mind about me and what happened...

So i think the best option for me is to let her go with her decision because its been hard probably for both of us (considering that she was all shocked by my decision but still managed to enjoy while im not there)..

I have explanied my decision of leaving over and over and no result so in my opinion i think its the to let her decide...

But i think that she already did...

I feel sympathetic OP, I really do (and people know I don't do that often); but I think you're right. It seems to be the case that she's not going to change her mind and break away from the family, and it could be very well that the family is either instilling or simply reinforcing her feelings on the matter and so the odds are not really stacked in your favor that she'll come around.

Next step for you? Be prepared that this may very well be the end of it. If it turns out it's not: great. But don't spend the next 6-12 months with a candle in the window before you decide to start moving on. That would be the waste of time, not the 6 years.

Erper

Overheal wrote: »

Know all too well


I feel sympathetic OP, I really do (and people know I don't do that often); but I think you're right. It seems to be the case that she's not going to change her mind and break away from the family, and it could be very well that the family is either instilling or simply reinforcing her feelings on the matter and so the odds are not really stacked in your favor that she'll come around.

Next step for you? Be prepared that this may very well be the end of it. If it turns out it's not: great. But don't spend the next 6-12 months with a candle in the window before you decide to start moving on. That would be the waste of time, not the 6 years.

in fairness i started preparing myself for something like that almost a year ago when she told me to start doing some thing on myown (big decisions that would affect both of us) but she dont want to be part of it...
that was the time when bell ringed in my head and said "thats not normal, couples dont do that, leave another one to trail and look at him like that"...

so ive started to think, what would be the best option to do at that moment, should i stay and see maybe some thing will change or should i go...
but
ive stayed...
and instead doing something straight away i postponed it...
in the mean time, she was getting her own things on her mind, was occupied with something else, and every time when i tried to sit with her and see where this relationship is going, i was getting feedback that i have to start something and that she will see is it good or not...

in the past, ive started so many things, some of them good, but she didnt realize that...

now when i moved out, she still dont realize basic things...
i moved out, so my question is would she visit me at least or stay in contact wiht me...
i was wrong...
when i moved out, i took most of the stuff that i would need and said to her that she can throw the rest away...
she didnt...
so every time when i txt her is there any mail for me, i get txt back "you have some stuff left, when are you coming to pick them up" and thats all..

after listening so many opinions here, and in real life, ive realized that my moving out she characterize that as i dont want to see her again, no matter how many times (before and now) ive tried to explain to her why i actually moved out...

its been almost 3 weeks since i left...
and still no contact with her...

so at the end, ive realized..
its pointless to be with someone and want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you, dont have same plans with you...
its been 6y for god sake, 6y... i cant return them back...
i could only lift my head and move forward, remembering the bad experience from it...
of course, there have been good memories too, but the more im on my own, the more i realize that those good memories will stay as being someone friend etc...

im thinking about her, all the time... for the last 2 weeks i cant sleep properly... few hours, thats it... and that i feel destroyed when i get up...
missing my dinners, sleeping over the day...
i mean, thats not life...
it hurt so much, but i have to get over it...

to bad, she did it faster than me by going out, and making friendship with girls she meet first time...
she was doing this to me even before...
she goes out, im working or staying home...
her friends dont like me... why... what did i do to them...
its all weird about that too...
i dont think she is seeing anyone atm... but who knows, maybe i will see her soon with someone in town...

AND THAN WHAT...

ill probably try to stay out of those places that she was in...
and my new ones...

Erper

Why is this so hard....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Overheal

Erper wrote: »

Why is this so hard....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Well you still have to go through all those really bothersome stages of greivance.

I think reading back on your posts here you seem to signify an understanding of the situation (at the very least superficially - that is you may not fully appreciate the reality of those thoughts yet):

so at the end, ive realized..
its pointless to be with someone and want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you, dont have same plans with you...
its been 6y for god sake, 6y... i cant return them back...
i could only lift my head and move forward, remembering the bad experience from it...
of course, there have been good memories too, but the more im on my own, the more i realize that those good memories will stay as being someone friend etc...

You're probably right at the stage where you know these things sound right but they haven't fully sunk in yet, or you haven't fully accepted it.

I'm guessing you'll still end up going through the anger phase. And that "model" is very 20th century. You'll probably be mad and depressed and lonely at various different stages. The process is fairly proportional - whether the relationship lasted 6 years or 6 months.

charlietheminxx

Sorry OP, just not sure on one point here - were you living WITH her family? If so then it's only natural that trouble would arise, adults in a relationship need their own space.

I don't see why you're annoyed at her going out and making friends though. You sound a little bit judgemental about it, saying they've just met and that these girls don't like you. The girls are HER friends not yours, they don't have to be your friends too, it's probably very good that she has soemone to talk to at the moment. After all, from her point of view her fiancé has just walked out on a 6 year relationship and she needs support.

You also say she was doing this even before while you were working or at home.... I fail to see a problem with her having a social life? It sounds like you need to work on communication and being understanding towards eachother if you do decide to try again.

Erper

charlietheminxx wrote: »

Sorry OP, just not sure on one point here - were you living WITH her family? If so then it's only natural that trouble would arise, adults in a relationship need their own space.

yes, ive been living with them for 6y...

I don't see why you're annoyed at her going out and making friends though. You sound a little bit judgemental about it, saying they've just met and that these girls don't like you. The girls are HER friends not yours, they don't have to be your friends too, it's probably very good that she has soemone to talk to at the moment. After all, from her point of view her fiancé has just walked out on a 6 year relationship and she needs support.

I did not walk out on her, it was how she understood it... she was not the reason why i left... read all posts
The problem that occurred is when i could not live in that kind of situation and i had to make changes...

You also say she was doing this even before while you were working or at home.... I fail to see a problem with her having a social life? It sounds like you need to work on communication and being understanding towards eachother if you do decide to try again.

the thing is that before last september, we were going out together...
than something changed and she started to go out on her own with some "new" so called friends...

Erper

Overheal wrote: »

You're probably right at the stage where you know these things sound right but they haven't fully sunk in yet, or you haven't fully accepted it.

I'm guessing you'll still end up going through the anger phase. And that "model" is very 20th century. You'll probably be mad and depressed and lonely at various different stages. The process is fairly proportional - whether the relationship lasted 6 years or 6 months.

it is probably the acceptance as i dont feel depressed or lonely...

charlietheminxx

Erper wrote: »

yes, ive been living with them for 6y...



I did not walk out on her, it was how she understood it... she was not the reason why i left... read all posts
The problem that occurred is when i could not live in that kind of situation and i had to make changes...




the thing is that before last september, we were going out together...
than something changed and she started to go out on her own with some "new" so called friends...

Hi Erper,

I did actually read all the posts to try and make sense of the situation. You say you didn't walk to her, but to HER that's probably what it looks like. That's why she can't get past it. You might not see it that way, but she certainly does, going by what she says.

Can I ask why both of you were living with her family for such a long time? This is almost always a bad idea and breeds resentment.

People continue to change and grow while they are in relationships. A year ago she decided to maybe get out and widen her social circle, that's not necessarily a bad thing nor does it reflect on your relationship. But people either grow together or they grow apart and if you didn't support her in this it could have negatively affected things....

Erper

charlietheminxx wrote: »

Hi Erper,

I did actually read all the posts to try and make sense of the situation. You say you didn't walk to her, but to HER that's probably what it looks like. That's why she can't get past it. You might not see it that way, but she certainly does, going by what she says.

Can I ask why both of you were living with her family for such a long time? This is almost always a bad idea and breeds resentment.

People continue to change and grow while they are in relationships. A year ago she decided to maybe get out and widen her social circle, that's not necessarily a bad thing nor does it reflect on your relationship. But people either grow together or they grow apart and if you didn't support her in this it could have negatively affected things....

reason why we lived together for so long is material issue...

as for her, going out, i have nothing against...
but going out most of the time with someone its kinda weird...
and it the last year we went out only twice...

especially when we are coming from different culture

charlietheminxx

Erper wrote: »

reason why we lived together for so long is material issue...

as for her, going out, i have nothing against...
but going out most of the time with someone its kinda weird...
and it the last year we went out only twice...

especially when we are coming from different culture

So money? Well that happens. But still, you lived with her family. Did you respect their rules? Pay towards your keep? If you were paying up there, would you not have been better renting a bedsit together or something? I understand it's hard, but really, 6 years is a LONG time to get money together and get yourseleves in order.

You were engaged, maybe you should have been building a new life together with your own space etc. I repeat, living with one person's family for that long just causes problems!

You say different culture - are you from a different culture to her? Or are you both from the same culture and living in Ireland? If it's the latter, there is NO issue with her wanting to make a life here and make friends with people from a culture different to yours. After all, she lives here, she probably wants to have friends and a life here, culture shouldn't be an issue.

It's weird you were only out twice togother last year... Why was this? If you give it a go maybe you should both try to do something fun together once a week? It doesn't have to be expensive, just a special night to socialise together and keep things interesting.

Erper

charlietheminxx wrote: »

Erper wrote: »

reason why we lived together for so long is material issue...

as for her, going out, i have nothing against...
but going out most of the time with someone its kinda weird...
and it the last year we went out only twice...

especially when we are coming from different culture

So money? Well that happens. But still, you lived with her family. Did you respect their rules? Pay towards your keep? If you were paying up there, would you not have been better renting a bedsit together or something? I understand it's hard, but really, 6 years is a LONG time to get money together and get yourseleves in order.

You were engaged, maybe you should have been building a new life together with your own space etc. I repeat, living with one person's family for that long just causes problems!

You say different culture - are you from a different culture to her? Or are you both from the same culture and living in Ireland? If it's the latter, there is NO issue with her wanting to make a life here and make friends with people from a culture different to yours. After all, she lives here, she probably wants to have friends and a life here, culture shouldn't be an issue.

It's weird you were only out twice togother last year... Why was this? If you give it a go maybe you should both try to do something fun together once a week? It doesn't have to be expensive, just a special night to socialise together and keep things interesting.

I do realize what do you point out and i was aware of it since i moved in...

But every time when i mention moving two of us out and living on our own there was always some problem( not from me, but her mother) as you wont be able to live like that, too expensive.. bla bla
bla...

As for cultural difference... it like this... both of us belonge to different culture as both of us are coming from same country (wont name it) ...

So as you are groving up, you developing sence of being, how should i say, mature and wanting some space for yourself..
That means when you are a couple you are looking for apratment for yourself and if you cant afford it to rent it or something else your parents are behind you...
You actually have freedom between two of you to make decissions etc...

So i felt here that i was under BIG BROTHERs eye constantly and whatever i do or say its not good as they planed...

I was respecting everything, the way they talk/walk etc...
But i could never accept for someone to boss me around...

Overheal

Erper wrote: »

it is probably the acceptance as i dont feel depressed or lonely...

..yet?

Erper

Overheal wrote: »

..yet?

by that you mean....

charlietheminxx

I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for?

You can't move out together, you can't live with her family, you no longer get on with her family or her friends, you don't like her socialising so much.... These are all things you've decided. It doesn't sound like you want to make the relationship work as there are many obstacles you are focused on.

If that's the case, then it will take time to get over it.

Also, out of curiosity, you left by moving out.... why didn't you ask her to move with you rather than just leaving? It seems like deep down, you might already know it's over.

Erper

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for?

You can't move out together, you can't live with her family, you no longer get on with her family or her friends, you don't like her socialising so much.... These are all things you've decided. It doesn't sound like you want to make the relationship work as there are many obstacles you are focused on.

If that's the case, then it will take time to get over it.

Also, out of curiosity, you left by moving out.... why didn't you ask her to move with you rather than just leaving? It seems like deep down, you might already know it's over.

look

- i cant live with her family - too much pressure
- i moved out cause if i didnt i would burst
- i did ask her but she was hesitating
- i have nothing against her friends, but they cant say that they dont like me for no reason

charlietheminxx

I understand why you moved out.

The real question is, what do YOU want to happen next?

Erper

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I understand why you moved out.

The real question is, what do YOU want to happen next?

and the answer i simple...
even with all those things that happened i want to stay with her cause i still love her..

maybe im fool or idiot... but i do love her

charlietheminxx

Then you both need to learn to compromise.

I suggest writing her a letter, that she can read in her own time, and can't just talk over you, saying you left.

Tell her how living with her family made you feel, and that you like and respect her family but want you both to start a life as a couple now, somewhere that you have time to be alone. Tell her you want her to continue her social life, but would like to be more social with her also.

Tell her you love her. Tell her you want to make it work.

Most importantly OP, don't hold grudges or overanalyse things (her making new friends). To make this work, you need to move forward.

Best of luck.

Erper

this way of life is over..

now im turning another page

Taltos

As you are moving on we are closing this thread OP.

Taltos