Being manipulated.. stay quiet for greater good?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'm going through a horrible situation at the minute. Two of my best friends from home are getting married in France in a fortnight. I'm bridesmaid and a whole bunch of us are heading out there for the event. The guy who is best man (and everyone in the group) have been my friends for 10 years or more. The best man told me in November last year that he had feelings for me, which I said I didn't reciprocate. Later that night he got really drunk and verbally abusive towards me that night and was stopped by the police for his behaviour, screaming at me in the street, trying to kiss me, pushing me up against shutters of a shop, threatening to go and drown himself in the river of our town, etc.

So that was pretty bad/upsetting and I gave him a wide berth. Then in March he was in a bar in my home town for my birthday - a big group of us were out. He bought me a drink, apologised, but as the night went on he got verbally abusive to me again, insulting my job, insulting the way I looked etc. He texted and apologised the next day and I forgave him but have made sure to stay out of his way since. He got a new girlfriend so I hoped he was over all this - though I'll never trust him again.

I got a phone call tonight from a mutual friend of ours, saying that said best man was thinking of dropping out of the wedding because of "animosity" from me. The mutual friend preached to me about how I would need to "behave myself" at the wedding and that he was trying to convince the best man not to go to the bride and groom's house and leave the wedding party. I've done absolutely nothing negative to him - haven't even seen him since March and haven't told anyone bar two friends outside that particular circle what happened. I haven't said I'm uncomfortable with him going (which I am), or even spoken to him to create this animosity because I would never want to upset my dear friends on their wedding day.

I basically said on the phone to my mutual friend that I have no problem with the best man and I'm embarrassed he's telling all our mutual friends these things instead of just ringing me and also that I think it's absolutely selfish to bother the bride and groom with his problems so close to the wedding. I feel that he is perhaps being manipulative - painting himself as a victim and myself as a tease, someone who has created an air of dislike towards him. At very worst I've maintained a cool distance but I feel like that's only natural given the way he treated me (and frankly, scared me) last year and on my birthday.

In the past he has been depressed but ever since November I've seen a different side to him and I think he has been faking his panic attacks. I also think he uses my fears of suicide due to other personal reasons against me - like in November threatening to jump in the local river. He always plays the victim, but I think he is actually a lot more manipulative than that.

I feel so ganged-up on by the best man and my mutual friend, and also afraid of the best man and what he might do with drink in him in a foreign country. This is probably an overreaction but I'm an awful flyer and I'm just sitting here getting scared about getting the same flight as him.

In France there will be a big group of us, plus I'm sharing a hotel room with my best friend (the groom's sister) and am close to the parents of the groom, etc so there will be responsible figures there. I'm just so hurt and scared. But there's no way I'm going to ring this guy and soothe his ego - as my mutual friend suggested. I think he's just being very manipulative and frankly there are gender issues at play here given the best man and mutual friend are both males and I am a single female: it's easy to ring up a girl and tell her how to act perhaps, rather than another male. I just couldn't ring him up and reassure him that all these feelings of animosity are in his head because frankly, I don't think I should be forced to soothe his ego after the way he treated me, and if there is an atmosphere (made up in his own head), then it's of his own doing.

So, I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking I'll tell my best friend so she can watch out for me and I don't think I will "feed the beast" by ringing him and reassuring him (which is what I'll have to do if I ring). I just feel like such a tramp leader-on type person.

Ellsbells

No don't contact him it's probably what he wants. Why does this friend take his side??

Definitely go but take it easy on the booze and keep your wits about you. I would tell your friend as you may need the back up. He sounds nasty.

Did you keep the texts where he apologised for abusing you?

gypsy_rose

Who are your good friends on this trip? Personally, I wouldn't lie at all, I'd tell who needs to know exactly what happened so they understand why you're avoiding him and acting this way. I would also keep a wide berth of him at the wedding, especially when he's drinking and would also if possible keep a good friend of mine close when he's around in case he starts acting the eejit again. Don't let him get you down, you're going to France for a wedding and it'll be great, he's just a fool that's hurt because you don't return his feelings, don't feel bad.

Abi

I don't know how you didn't explode on the phone after being told to behave, given what he's done. I assume his girlfriend is going? Maybe with her presence he will be less likely to start his shït. Given his violent nature, in actually worried for this girl too.

username123

Out him. He isnt a friend and neither is the person who phoned you.

Simply tell your friends who will be at the wedding everything as you have told in the post above. Do not allow your silence to conceal his disgraceful behaviour. Let it be known to all how he has behaved towards you AND that you are now receiving harrassing phonecalls telling you to behave yourself.

People like this get away with their behaviour because other people dont want to make a fuss. Bugger that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. To be honest I went through various stages last night: upset, fear and anger. Very tempted to ring the mutual friend and give him what for. I think it's clear that this mutual friend is not a true friend to me. After the phone conversation, I just assumed he had been manipulated by whatever the best man was saying - but this mutual friend is a grown man who has known me long enough to know I'm not capable of holding a grudge or starting ill-feeling. I'm very much a capitulate in times of argument, it's just my nature.

I told my best friend this morning and she was outraged - wanted to ring the mutual friend and tell him to f- off, etc. But I told her not to and honestly, I think this is probably the right decision. I feel that if I give this best man any attention, that's kind of doing exactly what he wants me to do, right? Hypothetically speaking, if I or my best friend rang the mutual friend, it might cause trouble, get back to the bride and groom and annoy / further stress them out. And I really don't want that. I know it sounds really stone-age but I feel like it would reflect badly on me if a row were to emerge as a result of this and the last thing I want to do is create tension for the bride and groom (especially the groom, given that the problem is with his best man).

Ellsbells wrote: »

No don't contact him it's probably what he wants. Why does this friend take his side??

Definitely go but take it easy on the booze and keep your wits about you. I would tell your friend as you may need the back up. He sounds nasty.

Did you keep the texts where he apologised for abusing you?

Yes, I definitely don't think I'm not going to contact him. I am just annoyed that I'm paying all this money to go to the wedding and it feels like I will have to take it easy on the booze and keep my wits about me. The rational and more sedate part of my nature says that this is just the sacrifice I'll have to make, but another part of me thinks how it's total BS that I have to be the one to watch myself when I've done nothing wrong.

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Who are your good friends on this trip? Personally, I wouldn't lie at all, I'd tell who needs to know exactly what happened so they understand why you're avoiding him and acting this way. I would also keep a wide berth of him at the wedding, especially when he's drinking and would also if possible keep a good friend of mine close when he's around in case he starts acting the eejit again. Don't let him get you down, you're going to France for a wedding and it'll be great, he's just a fool that's hurt because you don't return his feelings, don't feel bad.

username123 wrote: »

Out him. He isnt a friend and neither is the person who phoned you.

Simply tell your friends who will be at the wedding everything as you have told in the post above. Do not allow your silence to conceal his disgraceful behaviour. Let it be known to all how he has behaved towards you AND that you are now receiving harrassing phonecalls telling you to behave yourself.

People like this get away with their behaviour because other people dont want to make a fuss. Bugger that.

We are all good friends, but I just feel like because I'm a single girl with no brothers or boyfriends in the group it's easier to believe I would lead this guy on. We're all friends from school - brothers, sisters, long-term boyfriends and girlfriends - maybe I'm zoning in on this too much but I do feel a little vulnerable and unprotected right now so perhaps that's why. In the beginning years of our friendship I was always worried about coming across too flirtatiously but when we all went to Uni etc and I started dating people not from out home town, making new friends away from our home town, I felt like I could go home and relax and be myself. Now with all this stuff with the best man I feel like I must have led him on or something inadvertently - because I honestly have not sent out any signals and when he told me he loved me (yuck it makes me sick to think about that now!) I very nicely told him I didn't feel the same way. I feel like I can't tell my friends group what he's been doing because I don't think they would take it seriously. Or maybe they would take it seriously and it would mess up the wedding and even though it's not my fault, I don't want to being any way affiliated with upsetting anyone, much less the wedding. And maybe to talk about it gives it credence, which the guy doesn't even deserve?

Though as I've been typing this reply to you - I have thought, why shouldn't I just ring the bride and tell her what's going on? It's not right that I should feel this way. If the wedding wasn't around the corner, I might do differently. As it is, I worry about giving the bride and groom annoyance. Oh and you know the mutual friend told me not to say anything about our phone conversation to the bride.

Abi wrote: »

I don't know how you didn't explode on the phone after being told to behave, given what he's done. I assume his girlfriend is going? Maybe with her presence he will be less likely to start his shït. Given his violent nature, in actually worried for this girl too.

Yes, I had thought about this too. I've never met his girlfriend but I worry for her because of his increasingly scary personality. She won't be going to France but she will be coming to an after-party two weeks after the wedding. So hopefully that will be ok. For that evening event I'm bringing a close female friend as my guest and I've also started to worry that he might upset this female friend as a way to upset met. My female friend has had a lot of recent trauma in her life which he is aware of because I went to wakes, stayed with her, talked about her and how upset I was for her in his presence. Maybe I'm getting neurotic but I worry he might approach her and say something about her recent traumas. But I guess I'll have to have her well warned.

I am equal parts worried / upset / scared and equal parts angry now.

Morag

And the truth will set you free.

Honestly fúckers like that (be they male or female) will rely on you not wanting to upset anyone else. Bottom line is, that it is his behavior which has been wrong and out of line and it what he has done which is causing the upset not you.

You don't have to stay quiet, he's already verbally abused you and physically assaulted you.
Please don't stay quiet on this, I would hate to think of what he may try while drunk and in a different country.

dellas1979

Well, you see, the mutual friend only has his side of the story. And they've taken everything he has said as fact, when obviously this isnt so. That is their mistake. But you also made the mistake of not speaking up to "spare" people's feelings. The thing about not thinking about yourself and "sparing" people's feelings, is that noone will think about you either.

I would not talk to him/contact him. I wouldnt mention anything to the bride/groom, but I would tell the mutual friend what happened, if nothing for your own safety. It will take the wind out of his sails - people with problems like this thrive on the other person keeping quiet, which you have done.

If something (serious) does happen, I guarantee it will be a case of "why didnt you tell us" and you will kick yourself. Explain to the mutual friend what happened, and more importantly why you kept quiet.

If she has a bad attitude towards what you tell her (i,e., pointing the finger that you instigated all of this/blaming you for HIS behaviour "Oh Tom or whatever his names is, couldnt/wouldnt do that", then I would go to the bride, explain that you are delighted to be part of the wedding party, and are defo going, but cannot cope with this barrage from everyone of "keeping quiet". You are number one, and you need to keep yourself happy and safe, not everyone else happy and safe.

Merkin

Your best friend is the groom's sister and you have told her which I think was a sensible thing to do. I do think that this prize-winning A-hole is in fact trying to incite a reaction here which he can then in turn use to his advantage. As such, I'd keep your own counsel and essentially act like he doesn't exist. Don't react to any of this and let him make an idiot of himself if he so chooses. If you react to this particular provocation it is going to invariably turn into a war of words and a he said/she said situation which is going to make everyone uncomfortable whereas by ignoring it he will in fact dig his own grave. Reacting is merely going to fuel this sorry situation further so go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, continue to act like a lady and always stay in a group/keep people close to you at all times. You won't actually come to any harm and hopefully it will be him being thrown out of the wedding by showing everyone his true colours.

thefeatheredcat

To hell with this guy, look after No 1 here, YOU.

What's this guy saying behind your back that you are told to "behave yourself" ??

On two separate occasions he has been verbally abusive to you, both after drinks, 1 because your turned him down and a second probably because he couldn't stand you being happy while he was bitter and wanted a pity party for himself. He has issues, yet you are being blamed and made responsible for his issues as though you are the one responsible, which you are not.

Not only has he been verbally abusive to you but he became nasty and from what you say I get the picture of violence on the verge; this is clearly someone who should not be drinking; you're not the problem here, he is. And your friends need to see that.

The one thing to do with someone verbally abusive is you don't give them the opportunity to apologise and do it again.

I think you need to find the closest person to you in this group and tell them what you have posted here, that in November after you rejected this guy he became verbally abusive, threatening, violent by pushing you up against shutters and that the Gardai had to intervene and on a second occasion also became verbally abusive and attacked you verbally. And that he's stirring **** in the background to muddy your name in a bid, I guess to oust you from the group so he doesn't remember the rejection and the cowardly behaviour everytime he sees you.

One very serious note is that your friend that you are sharing a room with, make sure she knows the situation too. Keep people in the loop, the guy has been abusive towards you, there's no telling on what he could do, so come prepared to protect yourself and don't be forced to stay silent if something worse should happen such as him trying it on at the wedding with you and you reject him that he gets forceful. I'm not saying it would but as much as you might know this guy, given his behaviour towards you, I wouldn't let you take any chances.

Do not stay quiet about this guy and his behaviour - let people close to you see him for what he is and out him because it really is the only way you are going to be able to protect yourself overall

thefeatheredcat

la cienega just smiled wrote: »

Though as I've been typing this reply to you - I have thought, why shouldn't I just ring the bride and tell her what's going on? It's not right that I should feel this way. If the wedding wasn't around the corner, I might do differently. As it is, I worry about giving the bride and groom annoyance. Oh and you know the mutual friend told me not to say anything about our phone conversation to the bride.

This actually has me angry - you're being told don't tell people about a) what happened with you and this guy and b) about the phone call that is a disgrace from a mutual friend :mad:

If I were the bride and there was a risk of a close friend of mine possibly at risk of being verbally abused, attacked or physically harmed if not raped at my wedding (I know I'm going to an extreme here) I would want to know especially if someone else is butting in that has half of the story telling my friend to shush up about it all.

Both of those "friends" of yours need to be outed the first guy for his disrespectful and disgraceful behaviour towards you and the mutual friend for making assumptions and forcing you not to tell anyone about the conversation you had over the phone.

Have a chat with the bride and let her know what's going on, even if you can't face the prospect of that and upsetting her then you must tell someone close to you and her but I still think I think the well being and safety of a friend of hers would be that bit more of a priority to her

Morag

It honestly sounds like he has already started to get people on his side,
setting it up so that when he steps out of line and you call him on it
you are the unreasonable bitch causing drama. No doubt he will play the injured party as well.

People who do this are sick and twisted in the head, you need to protect yourself,
more then just 'keeping with people' if he is as fixated on you as you have describe
he will find a way to get you alone and corner you.

Start protecting yourself now, by telling people what he has done and that he has tried
to used other people to get you keep quiet.

dellas1979

Merkin wrote: »

Your best friend is the groom's sister and you have told her which I think was a sensible thing to do. I do think that this prize-winning A-hole is in fact trying to incite a reaction here which he can then in turn use to his advantage. As such, I'd keep your own counsel and essentially act like he doesn't exist. Don't react to any of this and let him make an idiot of himself if he so chooses. If you react to this particular provocation it is going to invariably turn into a war of words and a he said/she said situation which is going to make everyone uncomfortable whereas by ignoring it he will in fact dig his own grave. Reacting is merely going to fuel this sorry situation further so go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, continue to act like a lady and always stay in a group/keep people close to you at all times. You won't actually come to any harm and hopefully it will be him being thrown out of the wedding by showing everyone his true colours.

I agree with some of your post to a degree. Thats fine keeping quiet in certain situations, but not when someone has been, and probably will be verbally and somewhat physically abusive towards a person.

The worst thing you can do is stay quiet when you dont feel safe.

ABajaninCork

I disagree. DON'T say anything to the bride. The couple are going through enough stress and agg as it is. The OP already said that she didn't want to spoil their day.

But I do agree with telling someone (in her case the groom's sister) and maybe a couple of male friends too? Just in case this joker decides he's going to kick off, then it's handy to have some blokes on standby. I bet pound to a penny, he won't start anything if they're there. Too cowardly.

Ellsbells

Did you keep his texts?

Big Bag of Chips

If he is that volatile, you are not the only one who knows.

There is even a chance that the mutual friend has an idea of what he is like, and what he is capable of. So rather than confront him about it, and risk the friend turning on HIM, he is going to the quiet one, the easy target, and telling you to make sure you keep the peace and don't do anything that may give this fella reason to cause a scene at the wedding.

You cannot be the only one who has seen this side if him. If I were you, I'd read between the lines. Say a sort of 'yeah, whatever' to the mutual friend. Stay out of the other fellas way, and keep your good friends close for the duration.

I believe in honesty, and letting people know what happens etc.. but this occassion is about two completely separate people who have nothing to do with your situation and who shouldn't be dragged into it all when trying to organise a foreign wedding!

Keep quiet, to an extent. Let people know who need to know. Aside from that go about your own business doing your best to stay out of this fellas way. Try not to end up in a situation where you are alone with him.

dellas1979

This is what I dont get from some of the replies - why should she, a girl who has done nothing wrong, have to stay out of his way "just in case"? Why? Why should she? It should be the other way around. To "keep the peace"? Well, it hasnt been working for her so far, has it! Thats why she is on here!

If it was me, by god Id have him running for the hills Id kick up such a fuss about his disgraceful and total lack of respect of behaviour towards me. I wouldnt give 2 flamin' iotas "whos under stress because of the wedding". Thats just an excuse. Not a reason.

eviltwin

There is a time and a place for confrontation, the wedding of a friend is not it. I would also say that the OP should stay as far away from him as possible, let one friend know though, someone you trust with the information who will be able to keep an eye on you at the wedding and support you. I would worry that at a wedding with drink flowing he might try and pull another stunt like this again.

The mutual friend I would imagine has only heard one side of the story - his - so don't be too hard on them. Scum like this are masters at making themselves look like a victim, they could win Oscars. I'd tell your friend exactly what has been going on and exactly why you have such negative feelings towards this bloke. You're not asking them to pick sides so don't let him make you out to be the bad guy.

Morag

Hard to stay far away from him when they are both in the Bridal party, will be together in the church,
for all of the photography will be having dinner with the rest of the bridal party ect over the day.

This notion of keep away from him and don't get him off is victim blaming claptrap.
He is responsible for his actions and if he can't be well mannered and civil then it is his failing
not hers.

eviltwin

Sharrow wrote: »

Hard to stay far away from him when they are both in the Bridal party, will be together in the church,
for all of the photography will be having dinner with the rest of the bridal party ect over the day.

This notion of keep away from him and don't get him off is victim blaming claptrap.
He is responsible for his actions and if he can't be well mannered and civil then it is his failing
not hers.

I'm not blaming her at all but she has already been at the receiving end of his bad temper so it would be wise in a situation where he more than likely will be drinking again to avoid being alone as much as possible.

He's hardly going to make a scene in the church or at dinner but after things wind down a bit and people are moving around he could very easily corner her and try it on again.

He will be totally to blame for anything he instigates but when you know what a person is capable of you have to be proactive.

Big Bag of Chips

dellas1979 wrote: »

This is what I dont get from some of the replies - why should she, a girl who has done nothing wrong, have to stay out of his way "just in case"? Why? Why should she?

Because it makes sense. If somebody has been rude, abusive and threatening towards you it doesn't make sense to keep putting yourself in a position where they can do that to you again. It's not 'victim blaming', it's called being sensible.

If I don't like someone for whatever reason, I make sure I'm rarely in their company, and never alone in their company... Why would I be?

OP, you don't sound like the type to cause blue murder. Some might shout it from the roof tops and make sure everyone knows, but that's not the only way of handling a situation like this.

It is equally as acceptable to keep your head down, and try to stay out of his way. As already mentioned, he's not likely to cause a scene during the ceremony or at the photos,it seems to be only when he gets drunk that he behaves badly towards you. So that is the time when you'd be wise to not allow yourself be alone in his company. He is less likely to attack you in front of witnesses... And if he does, then everyone will see for themselves, who is the one at fault.

Confide in 1 or 2 close friends and ask them to keep an eye on you (him).

movingsucks

I agree with the above.
I was in a similar situation myself many years ago. "Mutual friends" don't want want to believe or accept their mate is really like that because if you think about it Who would want a person like that in their life or as their best man?
It's easier for Them to think "John is a sound bloke who acts the eegit with drink in him sometimes and Mary is a bit of a tease and a drama queen". I mean the mutual friend must at the very least think the best man is a tool for making a big drama and going to pull out of the wedding two weeks before? So instead of facing the fact his friend is a selfish tool he pushes the blame back on someone else.

When I told my "mutual friends" about my situation I was met with hostility from a boy " He's my best mate and he's always been there for me so don't YOU go around saying stuff like that!!!". My female friend tried to be sympathetic without acknowledging his wrong doing "Oh you're just a big tease aren't you?".
She saw him attack me another time and admitted to me that only for she saw it happening she never would've believed me because "he's just not like that".
I don't regret telling them what happened but it's not so easy to do and you have to be prepared that some friends would rather turn a blind eye
Like the OP I did wonder about his girlfriend (now wife).
I don't think the OP should soothe this guys ego just to please the bride and groom bit its very easy to give someone a wide berth or ignore them without being obvious even in a group - I'm an expert at this. Especially if you have someone on your side (eg the Grooms sister).

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Again, thanks for all your replies - it's good to have somewhere to think out this situation. I tried to distract myself from the situation yesterday, spending the day with other friends not involved with these people from home and it definitely gave me a much-needed boost and a bit of removal from the problem. I think I partially agree with parts of every reply given here, but it's because I haven't acted in response to what happened that is making me really try and consider what I'm going to do.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

This actually has me angry - you're being told don't tell people about a) what happened with you and this guy and b) about the phone call that is a disgrace from a mutual friend :mad:

dellas1979 wrote: »

This is what I dont get from some of the replies - why should she, a girl who has done nothing wrong, have to stay out of his way "just in case"? Why? Why should she? It should be the other way around. To "keep the peace"? Well, it hasnt been working for her so far, has it! Thats why she is on here!

If it was me, by god Id have him running for the hills Id kick up such a fuss about his disgraceful and total lack of respect of behaviour towards me. I wouldnt give 2 flamin' iotas "whos under stress because of the wedding". Thats just an excuse. Not a reason.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Do not stay quiet about this guy and his behaviour - let people close to you see him for what he is and out him because it really is the only way you are going to be able to protect yourself overall

The part of me that feels angry really agrees with these comments. I've been thinking lots of things like - how dare he / my mutual friend speak to me like that; how dare this best man put me in a difficult position after I've tried to save him face and not rock the boat after what happened last year... I've even gone so far as to believe that it is "victim blaming" in a way, though I'm not wont to indulge this too much as there are much worse things that could have happened to me than a few drunken slurs and being made to feel frightened.

I think that if the wedding of the bride and groom were not so close, I would feel motivated to take some sort of action. At the same time, I also think giving a reaction would give this best man exactly what he wants. Lets say he is irrationally fixated on me and wanting to hurt / upset me and upset others as a way of getting at me (which seems to be the case) - if I rang the bride and told her, she would be angry. I think the bride would believe me because the best man has been drunk on whiskey and picked irrational arguments with her before - while I think she would believe me, I really don't think telling anyone would stop him coming to the wedding and even if it did (highly unlikely, I think friends would just accept what I've said but continue on as usual - which is frustrating and upsetting to me but it's the truth), I don't want to be the one responsible for him being socially ostracised or de-invited. Not because I'd feel sorry for him being ostracised but that it had anything to do with me! I just frankly do not want to be connected with him in any way whatsoever.

So although I know he's been inappropriate, creepy and manipulative - perhaps the only way to really "win" in this situation is to not give it any attention whatsoever. The only problem with this is that I'm leaving myself vulnerable here because he might be manipulating people against me, like he seems to have done with the mutual friend. And while I'm honestly content enough to suffer through his presence at the wedding and ignore him and everything he's done to me - I don't want my name muddied! Is there a middle ground?

The mutual friend who rang me (a male friend) was just so judgemental and pious on the phone. Saying "we need to talk about how you're going to behave at the wedding", as if I was a child and not a 27 year old, independent person. I have honestly not done anything to warrant this attention. Been going over and over it in my mind - what I could've said and done differently but I can't think of anything. I like to wear nice clothes when I go out for drinks, I'm enthusiastic in conversations but I haven't "gone with" anyone in my home town since 2005 and would never cross boundaries. I'm annoyed that I'm sitting here when I should be working, trying to ascertain what I've done to warrant that phone call and indeed, the best man's aggression but aside from telling him I wasn't interested romantically, I honestly haven't let myself down.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Because it makes sense. If somebody has been rude, abusive and threatening towards you it doesn't make sense to keep putting yourself in a position where they can do that to you again. It's not 'victim blaming', it's called being sensible.

If I don't like someone for whatever reason, I make sure I'm rarely in their company, and never alone in their company... Why would I be?

OP, you don't sound like the type to cause blue murder. Some might shout it from the roof tops and make sure everyone knows, but that's not the only way of handling a situation like this.

It is equally as acceptable to keep your head down, and try to stay out of his way. As already mentioned, he's not likely to cause a scene during the ceremony or at the photos,it seems to be only when he gets drunk that he behaves badly towards you. So that is the time when you'd be wise to not allow yourself be alone in his company. He is less likely to attack you in front of witnesses... And if he does, then everyone will see for themselves, who is the one at fault.

Confide in 1 or 2 close friends and ask them to keep an eye on you (him).

I think I agree with this comment the most because it's rational and deals with the bigger question: how can I deal with this and cause as little upset as possible. I think I'm going to have to drill it into my head that my silence is not out of passive fear but consideration for others and a clear awareness of how pathetic the best man is. Perhaps the only way to stop my self recriminations is to take what the mutual friend said with a pinch of salt instead of fury that he had the audacity to speak to me in this way.

I told my best friend (the groom's sister) and also my female friend who will be attending the evening party with me a few weeks later, saying I was worried he might try and upset her because he's aware of her past traumas. So at least my best friend believes me (and is disgusted) and my female friend will know to stay away from him at the wedding. In my moments of neurotic thought yesterday, I had considered getting my Dad to call the best man's parents or indeed the best man himself, but it's probably best to just not feed him the attention he so desperately seems to need.

It is very frustrating to know I've spent all this money going on the wedding and I won't be able to have a few drinks and relax because I'm going to be on the watch out for him. I don't even know how I'm going to act in his company now because I feel nervous and also angry. I do think this is an example of the awful double-standards in society though. But perhaps the only way to get through it is to just accept my situation.

LegacyUser

movingsucks wrote: »

I agree with the above.
I was in a similar situation myself many years ago. "Mutual friends" don't want want to believe or accept their mate is really like that because if you think about it Who would want a person like that in their life or as their best man?
It's easier for Them to think "John is a sound bloke who acts the eegit with drink in him sometimes and Mary is a bit of a tease and a drama queen". I mean the mutual friend must at the very least think the best man is a tool for making a big drama and going to pull out of the wedding two weeks before? So instead of facing the fact his friend is a selfish tool he pushes the blame back on someone else.

When I told my "mutual friends" about my situation I was met with hostility from a boy " He's my best mate and he's always been there for me so don't YOU go around saying stuff like that!!!". My female friend tried to be sympathetic without acknowledging his wrong doing "Oh you're just a big tease aren't you?".
She saw him attack me another time and admitted to me that only for she saw it happening she never would've believed me because "he's just not like that".
I don't regret telling them what happened but it's not so easy to do and you have to be prepared that some friends would rather turn a blind eye
Like the OP I did wonder about his girlfriend (now wife).
I don't think the OP should soothe this guys ego just to please the bride and groom bit its very easy to give someone a wide berth or ignore them without being obvious even in a group - I'm an expert at this. Especially if you have someone on your side (eg the Grooms sister).

This really resonated with me so much by the way. The way you describe how your friends reacted is exactly how I would imagine how my friends would, particularly the groom - who is such a decent guy but can't see the nastiness behind his best man. I think it's difficult when you've maintained friendship for 10+ years to realise that the person you once knew has changed and is a bully / frightening person. Thanks for sharing your similar story - there's no way I'm going to ring the best man and giving a wide berth is my only option.

username123

You know, Im all for the greater good and doing the right thing and all of that. But this is causing you so much stress, is it worth going at all?

To be perfectly honest with you, at this stage I would probably consider pulling out altogether. Whether or not I would do that with a pretend illness or telling the truth I dont know.

At the end of the day you are in fear of being put into a position where you could be abused or harrassed by an individual. Why would you put yourself in that position? Another bridesmaid could be found.

Id strongly advise you distance yourself from this man and anyone who sympathises with or continues friendship with him. Its not worth it.

Neyite

I encountered a guy like that once - got very viscious when I turned him down and whatever he said to mutual "friends" they stopped speaking to me. I was utterly mystifyed. He made out that I had strung him along and he had fallen in love and I'd treated him like scum. In reality we had two very boring dates where alarm bells were ringing for me so I nicely declined a third date. If I wasnt so angry with him I'd have been impressed at his cunning.

Since you dont want to tell the Bride and Groom, I would suggest that you mention it to as many people as you can in your group that you know will keep quiet, yet keep an eye out. You can make it crystal clear to that mutual "friend" that you are only too delighted to stay as far away as possible from this creep, and that if there is any interaction between you, it wont be from your side. Be mindful of being alone with him on the trip - its going to be a long one but if others know the othe side of the story, then they might see things for themselves.

dellas1979

You agree, you agree, but youre still in the same boat.

Your mutual friend said all that to you because he doesnt know! Simple as that-unless you open your mouth and tell him. Sounds like you are, over all, intimidated by everyone that you need to stand up to. And thinking of getting your father to sort this out only reinforces this. Yes, you are 27, so start thinking like a 27 year old, not that kid who is scared of everyones reaction.

You were born with a mouth, open it.

I would want to put the record straight, with that person, at least. I could get over the rest (I was thinking of your safety-but 2 friends of yours who are going know the story and have your back).

I'm sorry, I don't see why you need to tell the bride. Tell a few other people on the quiet, that way they know, and they will keep an eye on you so he doesn't corner you. Don't let people manipulate you like this and don't stay quiet about it. You agree, you know it's right, so don't make excuses and just tell someone or two.

Although given the amount of stress this is causing you, are you sure you want to go at all?

up for anything

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I disagree. DON'T say anything to the bride. The couple are going through enough stress and agg as it is.

I hate the nonsense that seems to surround weddings these days. "The couple are going through enough stress and agg" - what stress and agg? They're getting married. Supposedly a happy time for all concerned in spite of nerves and silly worries about the right colour of flowers. I know I would have been far more concerned about a friend of mine being put in a nasty or dangerous situation than it 'ruining' my wedding. If the happy couple getting wed are really that selfish that they'd rather you keep the worry and fear you're going through to yourself rather then cause a hiccup before their perfect day then I wouldn't count them as friends. Also whatever problems it would throw up telling them before you all head off to France, I would see the best man causing a big scene on their wedding day as a worse one for them.

username123 wrote: »

You know, Im all for the greater good and doing the right thing and all of that. But this is causing you so much stress, is it worth going at all?
......

Id strongly advise you distance yourself from this man and anyone who sympathises with or continues friendship with him. Its not worth it.

Two things caught my eye in your post. Firstly, why on earth should she not go? It would be much easier to bring her stress levels down by just telling the truth to people.

Secondly, if she is going to distance herself from the best man and more importantly any one who continues a friendship with him, then she should really do them the courtesy of telling them why and thereby giving them a choice in the matter. Imagine how hurt you would feel if you had a friend who suddenly became very remote and unfriendly for no reason that you could figure out.

Kimia

Would it be worth confronting the guy himself before the wedding? If you met him for a coffee in a public place and said that you have been hearing things he's been saying, plus you received a disturbing call from a mutual friend, and because of this slander you were seriously considering going to the guards and lodging a formal complaint. Perhaps you could make up some reason like it could have a material effect on your career and that you take the matter incredibly seriously, much as you assume he would if someone was accusing him of rape for example.

I would also tell him that you have solid evidence including witnesses of his behaviour towards you and that this is a warning. If he doesn't back off you will take it further. I would bluff, lie etc, anything to push his buttons to get him to stay the hell away from you thinking that you are far too much bother.

I know it's controversial advice but I wonder if confronting the issue would shock him into backing off? Shining the light on it and all that. If you did it in a coffee shop you could also have strategic people (that he doesn't know) placed around you to eavesdrop, plus you could record him.

This thread makes me really mad at this guy. :mad:

ABajaninCork

up for anything wrote: »

I hate the nonsense that seems to surround weddings these days. "The couple are going through enough stress and agg" - what stress and agg? They're getting married. Supposedly a happy time for all concerned in spite of nerves and silly worries about the right colour of flowers. I know I would have been far more concerned about a friend of mine being put in a nasty or dangerous situation than it 'ruining' my wedding. If the happy couple getting wed are really that selfish that they'd rather you keep the worry and fear you're going through to yourself rather then cause a hiccup before their perfect day then I wouldn't count them as friends. Also whatever problems it would throw up telling them before you all head off to France, I would see the best man causing a big scene on their wedding day as a worse one for them.

Despite what you say, it IS stressful trying to organise a wedding with all the politics that go on. Especially organising a foreign wedding. It's NOT just about colours or flowers which I think is a flippant thing to say - why? I've been there and done that. The OP already stated she didn't want to spoil their day. There is a time and place for drama, and the OP's friend's wedding is NOT that time. It should be a happy time for all. Nothing selfish about that.

The OP's already told a close friend and fellow member of the bridal party - the groom's sister. She may or may not have mentioned the situation to her brother - we don't know.

I think the OP should go and enjoy herself. Why should she give the power to that pr!ck and his equally asinine 'friend'? If she doesn't go - he's won. I have already stated my belief that the BM won't kick off on the day. He'll be the one looking like an ass. All the OP can do is tip certain people off, keep them close and have a couple of male friends on standby in case it does all go off.

I hope it works out for her.

up for anything

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Despite what you say, it IS stressful trying to organise a wedding with all the politics that go on. Especially organising a foreign wedding. It's NOT just about colours or flowers which I think is a flippant thing to say - why? I've been there and done that. The OP already stated she didn't want to spoil their day. There is a time and place for drama, and the OP's friend's wedding is NOT that time. It should be a happy time for all. Nothing selfish about that.

The OP's already told a close friend and fellow member of the bridal party - the groom's sister. She may or may not have mentioned the situation to her brother - we don't know.

I think the OP should go and enjoy herself. Why should she give the power to that pr!ck and his equally asinine 'friend'? If she doesn't go - he's won. I have already stated my belief that the BM won't kick off on the day. He'll be the one looking like an ass. All the OP can do is tip certain people off, keep them close and have a couple of male friends on standby in case it does all go off.

I hope it works out for her.

It should be. Unless the happy couple are completely self-absorbed, I should imagine that they would sense tension amongst the guests especially as it is most likely a smaller wedding party than most being abroad.

It seems to be the general consensus amongst replies here that the OP should very definitely surround herself with people and make sure she doesn't give the best man a chance to assault her verbally , assault her physicially or attack her in some way. I should think that that sort of atmosphere would eventually permeate the wedding in some way. What if he does get her into a position where he can abuse her. Is she then supposed to stay quiet so as not to ruin the day? If she doesn't, will she then take the flak for having stayed quiet and allowed the situation to arise?

I think it's pretty naive to stake out a lamb for the wolf and expect him not to decide to dine.

Roisy7

There is a strong element of, for want of a better word, sexism in this situation imo. The mutual friend seems extremely patronising of the OP, and it sounds to me as if she reacted in anyway to this douchebag she would be painted as hysterical, a drama queen etc. Plus as the OP said herself, she doesn't have brothers etc to 'look out' for her.

Big Bag of Chips has it to a tee. Don't let yourself be alone with him. Do go to the wedding- you have every right to be there!

Let him make an idiot of himself and let everyone see exactly what he's like.

Should you involve the bride? What is she like? Is she a Bridezilla, likely to have a meltdown about her wedding being ruined? Or is she a calm, logical person, likely to take on board what you say? Only you know the answer to that one OP.

I like what Kimia suggested about pre-empting this guy, meeting him before the wedding and putting your side of the situation across to him. But can you trust him not to twist what you've said? He seems like he would. And I know the last thing you want to do is be around this creep.

Neyite has it spot on about her own situation. Tell as many people that you think would be sympathetic and understanding, as discreetly as possible. Tell them you're feeling scared. Will any of the people who were around during the original incident in November be going to the wedding? Surely if the guards had to get involved people know about this?

You don't know what's going to happen in this wedding. He might be your worst nightmare- but maybe he won't do anything. You don't know. You just have to take it as it comes Best of luck OP this is a really horrible situation, and I hope this creep gets his just desserts someday x

stargazer 68

la cienega just smiled wrote: »

Later that night he got really drunk and verbally abusive towards me that night and was stopped by the police for his behaviour, screaming at me in the street, trying to kiss me, pushing me up against shutters of a shop, threatening to go and drown himself in the river of our town, etc.

So that was pretty bad/upsetting and I gave him a wide berth. Then in March he was in a bar in my home town for my birthday - a big group of us were out. He bought me a drink, apologised, but as the night went on he got verbally abusive to me again, insulting my job, insulting the way I looked etc.

Op did no one in your circle see any of this?

username123

up for anything wrote: »

Two things caught my eye in your post. Firstly, why on earth should she not go? It would be much easier to bring her stress levels down by just telling the truth to people.

I couldnt agree more, but she doesnt want to tell.

up for anything wrote: »

Secondly, if she is going to distance herself from the best man and more importantly any one who continues a friendship with him, then she should really do them the courtesy of telling them why and thereby giving them a choice in the matter. Imagine how hurt you would feel if you had a friend who suddenly became very remote and unfriendly for no reason that you could figure out.

See above.

She has been getting loads of (varying advice here) but each post seems to emphasis even more how little she is listening to any of it.

SO simple answer - dont go, stop associating with these people.

The tldr version of this issue is this: OP is invited to act at a wedding where she am afraid of another member of the bridal party, someone who has a history of aggressive behaviour towards her.

So - save yourself the hassle, dont go.

When I look back at my life, there is no wedding I didnt attend (no matter what my function was at it) where my presence mattered. I didnt save anyones life at any wedding. I am not the centre of the universe, strangely enough, the world continues to turn on its axis if I opt out of something. Personally I would out the guy, and that was my initial suggestion. But if I was as het up about it as the OP is - I just wouldnt go. Someone else would stand in and be bridesmaid, I would tell all later(or not, its irrelevant really), I would distance myself from the guy and anyone else friendly with him, and get on with living my life in a way that doesnt involve feeling like I am being manipulated. End of story.

LegacyUser

Hi all, again thanks so much for the replies.

username123 wrote: »

I couldnt agree more, but she doesnt want to tell.
She has been getting loads of (varying advice here) but each post seems to emphasis even more how little she is listening to any of it.

SO simple answer - dont go, stop associating with these people.

Sorry if it seems like I'm not listening to the advice given in this thread, I am - I am just trying to look at each option rationally before I make a move.

Re: all the comments about the bride and groom and wedding stresses being imagined etc - it's my decision not to tell the bride and groom who, for the record are two of the most decent and lovely people you could ever hope to meet. If I were to phone up the bride right now and tell her all this it would cause them annoyance. And I don't want to be affiliated with the best man - you know? I don't want to be connected with him in any way: for people to think "oh.. best man and me have got issues" or anything like that. I'm not the type to want to cause bother and I don't want to lump this at the feet of the bride and groom with little under a week until they go to France. That is my decision and something that I've been adamant about from the start.

Dovies wrote: »

Op did no one in your circle see any of this?

No-one in my circle saw it. I was out alone with him. He had texted to say a few of the group would be out for drinks one night and I should come into town. When I came into town and went to the bar, it was just him. It makes me so angry even remembering that!

However, I read all the comments and I realised that a lot of you telling me to act are correct and it's not as if my silence on previous matters has done me much favours so far. I refuse to give the best man the attention he craves by meeting him for a coffee and talking about things. To me, that's soothing his ego - reassuring him that I don't have an issue with him - even though he was the one who acted wrongly, I'm taking time out of my life to soothe him? No. As much as I want to keep the peace, I don't think I should have to do this. I'm going to maintain a calm distance towards him and my best friend knows the score so I'll make sure to keep her near me. Thankfully I found out he's staying in apartments and not the hotel we're staying in which is great.

What I have done though, since writing last is called the mutual friend. I rang him last night and basically tried to make the conversation about me and the mutual friend, rather than me and the best man. I said how I was disappointed that after 10 years of friendship, he thought it was ok to call me up and tell me how to behave; how I was disappointed that he would even believe that I could be capable of acting wrongly in a social situation - especially when dear friends are getting married and that is the priority. I told the mutual friend about why the best man might have issue with me (what happened in November). But importantly I explained that I was only revealing what happened as a result of the phone call he made to me - I was not gossiping or slandering the best man. Talked about a few other issues and some interesting points came up: like the best man had accused me of getting the bride to have words with him about his behaviour (which I did not!). When I asked the mutual friend if he called the bride to reprimand her on her behaviour, he said "of course not" - allowing me to ask why he felt it was appropriate to call me though! Also there was a certain amount of nonchalance with the mutual friend because I did comment I would be mildly worried about how the best man is going to treat his girlfriend, given this past behaviour and all the mutual friend would say is how lovely this new gf is - kind of not getting the point?

So there are definitely elements of sexism going on, but also I'm glad I cleared things up with the mutual friend because he isn't a bad person, just been manipulated. Things aren't completely solved though, with the mutual friend still continuing to focus on the "panic attacks" and so-called depression of the best man as an excuse for him talking about me (and I would imagine it makes the mutual friend view his actions in November less heinously). But I did stand up for myself and at least the mutual friend is clearer on the whole picture now. I made sure to say that I haven't even spoken to the best man in months (and am not maliciously ignoring him) and that anything going on is entirely one-sided.

So at least that is cleared up. I can't not go to the wedding because that is allowing the best man to have power over me (then I think, what if he tries it on, am I asking for it then?) - plus I've spent a lot of money on flights, hotels, etc. I'm unfortunately just going to have to watch myself in his company for the whole weekend. I really feel strongly I shouldn't have to talk to the best man and smooth things over, although that would probably be the best option for the sake of the wedding. As least this way if a scene is caused, I'll be prepared with how to deal with it - I hadn't even thought about the best man in months, so I'm aware of him as a potential danger.

username123

la cienega just smiled wrote: »

So at least that is cleared up. I can't not go to the wedding because that is allowing the best man to have power over me (then I think, what if he tries it on, am I asking for it then?) - plus I've spent a lot of money on flights, hotels, etc.

All depends what way you look at it. Looking at it as some kind of power struggle doesnt give any practical answers. Yes, we SHOULD be able to (for example) walk through a rough area of town without getting attacked, but the reality is, if we walk through there we will get attacked. Not going doesnt give the attackers power over you - its simply the sensible thing.

gypsy_rose

I can't not go to the wedding because that is allowing the best man to have power over me (then I think, what if he tries it on, am I asking for it then?)

Asking for what?! This is not your fault. I know we've only heard your side of the story, but it sounds to me like he's just an idiot.
If I was going, I'd just totally ignore him unless he speaks to me, even then don't really pay attention to him. The likelyhood of you being left alone with him is incredibly slim, that would only happen if you both were actively seeking each other out. Just stick to your friends and forget about him, if you're not on your own, what can he do? Hopefully he'll make a show of himself with someone else and then everyone will see his true colours.

Enjoy the wedding and don't donate any more time to this issue, you'll be fine!