after affair..work with 'other woman'!?

albetty31

Can anyone offer advice on an affair? after a very rough personal time of tragedies, ive discovered my lovely husband had an affair for almost a year. Im trying to get over it for our kids sake, and because i love him and can understand how/why it happened. unfortunately/fortunately, ive been offered a job after a hard few months unemployment,...but id have to work with the woman he had an affair with? it is my absolute dream job, and we need the money so badly. but this woman has made no secret of fact she doesnt want me around...if i take it will she be the total ruination of us if i see her every day? how can i walk in and see her? how can i turn down my dream job?any sound advice would be very appreciated

Rachelmhr

If this were me personally - I could not do that, I really couldnt. I could try all I wanted to ignore her, keep a smug grin on my face and be the bigger person - but how long could I keep that up for??

You just need to ask yourself (seeing as this is your dream job) could you really face her everyday? Would you be working closely with her in the same department or would she just be a face you might run into on a daily/weekly basis?


Ps... She doesnt want you around?? TOUGH SH*T... she shouldnt be spreading her legs to married men and MAYBE she wouldnt be in these types of situations.. You do what you need to do OP do not even entertain what she "wants" the cheek of her...

tinkerbell

Ok, a few things - are you going to be working with this homewrecker? Will you be in regular contact with her or is it just that she works in the same company and like the above poster said, you may just happen to run into her sometimes?

It's a hard one to decide. On the one hand, you have been out of work for months and this is your dream job. On the other hand, you have to face that cow. You have to think though, if you turn down your dream job because of her, you will hate the b1tch even more than you currently do. However, then you have to look at her rotten self everyday. But it's for the better for your family's sake because you will have an income again.

Another way to think of it - who ended the affair? If she ended it probably because he wouldn't leave you, she hates you anyway and is jealous of you. If he ended it, she'll hate you even more. You arrive into the company with a new job there and she'll most likely feel miserable too so you'll both hate each other and both will go out of your way to avoid each other.

mcballer

Hi OP,
If I were you I would take the job! Dream jobs don't come around that often. I wouldn't want that person taking/trying to take something else away from me! I would take the job, for me as a person as I deserve to have my dream job! And for the
Kids as the extra money is obviously going to benifit them also.
If you get your head down and concentrate on the job-You can or will eventually get beyond even acknowledging this person in any way except what is required for work!
Good luck, you have had a rough time and you certainly need something for you as a person!

Ellsbells

How do you know she doesn't want you around? Is he still in touch with her?

Stavro Mueller

What size of a workplace is it? Can you avoid her?

Big Bag of Chips

It's a very tricky one. But to be honest, I think if you take the job, you have the upper hand.

She can hardly tell people anything bad about you. She's not really going to want to draw attention to herself. If she has any small sense of decency then she is going to be mortified around you and do her very very best to stay out of your way.

What you have to remember is.. you've won. You are with your husband, she's not. I know its not a competition and I hope you know what I mean by saying that.

Take the job. Ignore her. Look through her if you pass her, as if she isn't there. It is easy to ignore someone if you really want to.

Unless you have to work directly with her. But even then you can do your job, without 'engaging' with her.

As I said, she'll be the one who should be trying to stay out of your way. You take the job and hold your head high. It's the best 'revenge'.

HeyThereDeliah

You have to ask yourself why you want to work wit her, is it to prove a point that he is with you and not her?
She might be wrong but he is equally as wrong IMO. It might be your dream job but the dream could become a nightmare if you have to look at this woman everyday.

If you can do this fair play I would admire you because I don't think I could tbh I might want revenge but not at the expense of my own sanity.

What is his opinion on it?

Kidchameleon

This woman has wrecked your life already and now your going to let her do it again are you?

Amy33

Why on earth would you want to work with a woman your husband had an affair with? A year is a long time and there must have been feelings involved on both sides. I can't understand others posters calling this woman names as though your husband is blameless. Keep looking out for other jobs, working with your husband's ex mistress will not make you happy.

dixiefly

First of all you seem to have completely forgiven your husband and imply that he is not to blame...."my lovely husband".....yeah right!

Does this woman know that you that you have been offered the job and how does she know this?

I think the key points are your possible interaction with this woman and also just how good the job is compared to your current position.

If it is your dream job and is a once off opportunity then definitely take it and be prepared to be tactical in your handling of this woman and other colleagues. People here will give you advice on how to handle things.

Ellsbells

dixiefly wrote: »

First of all you seem to have completely forgiven your husband and imply that he is not to blame...."my lovely husband".....yeah right!

Does this woman know that you that you have been offered the job and how does she know this?

I think the key points are your possible interaction with this woman and also just how good the job is compared to your current position.
.

Yeah he hardly qualifies as a lovely husband and this woman is not to blame for your husband cheating - he is!!!

You need to explain how she knows whats going on for people to give you good advice.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I'm not going to advice you what to do one way or the other. I'm just going to give you my insights. It's a case of weighing up which is the lesser of two evils. Remaining unemployed and all the misery that that entails. Or walking into this potential cauldron. I hope for your sake that this is a reasonably large workplace and that you won't be working too closely with this woman.

I would love to think that you can get you and your career back on track. I've been unemployed and I would do almost anything under the sun to avoid ever going there again. On the other hand, I worked on an office alongside a woman who absolutely hated my guts. She never said anything overtly nasty to my face but just did all sorts of underhand subtle things. Her psychological bullying got to me so much I ended up in counselling.

Now I'm not saying that this will happen to you but if you do go work in this place, you've got to be mentally very tough. I'm drawing a parallel between your experience and mine because you're starting off on your first day alongside someone who will hate your guts. Someone who may set out to try and make your time in the office as miserable as possible. Only you know if you're strong enough to be able to shrug this off and keep going. Some people are better than others at handling scenarios like this. I'm quite a sensitive person so I'm more easily hurt than others. Then there are other people to whom this sort of thing is water off a duck's back.

Da Shins Kelly

Do not turn down this job (if it really is your dream job) for the sake of this woman. She's already tried to ruin one aspect of your life, don't let her ruin another.

albetty31

Thanks so much for the advice. She spent years trying to bed him and he ignored her. then we both started working away from home a lot & had a lot of family debt& deaths and just lost sight of things. He works in the organisation with her, which is medium sized org and they had to go away a lot together. He said they slept together a few times, then she spent months blackmailing him etc., but he moved depts and got away from her. soon after i got part time work in same place and found out what had happened. he had ended it by that time and im so angry with him and we've had months of counselling and tears but i know from him and colleagues, that she is a loose canon who is a bully and trouble.
she makes a few remarks outloud if i pass and walks across my path, nothing i could complain to boss about but enough to boil my blood. ive ignored her ( though i desperately want to lose rag with her). Ive now been offered full time work there. she will be in same general area, but not in same 'team'. I just worry one day i will go for her, or the constant reminder will ruin my marriage.

im in no way going easy on him, but i know how vulnerable our r'ship was at the time and she really went above and beyond to get him...thing is, she is married with kids and her husband has no idea...the other issue is, all the staff know about affair and its sooo humiliating..hard to hold head up..she is very noticeable and is a huge flirt.a total cliche for a mistress...if she was in any way remorseful i could cope.

my husband doesnt now how to advise me as he wants me to be happy (going nuts at home), but he knows she is a cow.he is worried i wont be able to cope and leave him...

tinkerbell

What kind of remarks does she say to you OP?

dixiefly

The thing is that very quickly the majority of your colleagues will be on your side if she starts to take you on. You could put on an outwardly nice front to her but also subtly let her know that you hate HER guts. An odd sarcastic remark or a comment about her husband might give you the upper hand very quickly.

HeyThereDeliah

OP I can understand how it happened especially if you and your husband were not as close and intimate it's easy get attached to someone you work closely with and I'm sure he is sorry but working with her is not a good thing for you or your husband IMO she is a constant reminder of what happened.

I think you need to decide what's best for you and your marriage, have you considered the possibility you want to work there to keep tracks on your husband and this woman?

fungun

Id take the job if it really is your dream job - it will be one bully who mightnt like you - the rest will be on your 'side'.

Plus you have information about her that you could discreetly use as a threat to shut her up if she really does get on your nerves too much.

Ellsbells

Just say to her 'you speak to me about anything that isn't work related again and Ill call your husband and tell him about your affair'.... Make sure you have a witness though.

It doesnt matter what she did to tempt your husband, he went with it so you really do need to stop blaming her.

Only you know if you can live with this. I dont think I could.

Payton

Can you really forgive your husband when one part of the "problem" is in the same workplace. Let alone that you are trying to rebuild your family life but to be in the same employment will be very very tough.
Saying that I personally would take the job, you have to be the bigger person here and look what is the best for you. You need the job for your own sanity, yes she is there and you probably will at some stage bump into here, its how you handle it that will show you have want of a better word "moved on".
As for office gossip? fcuk them, idle gossip. Ok you'll probalbly be the centre of attention for a few weeks but the xmas parties are coming up so let someone else be gossip at that when you all return after the break.

Look at the bigger picture here, do you let her control your future happiness,your career your self dignity? I can only say that it must be very tough and tense at home and that is where you should be considtrating on your family life be it with or with out your husband. Its not about her....Its about you.
If you chose to stay with your husband, find all the issues that made it all happen. If it involves counselling on a 1 to 1 basis or as a couple..well do it, but it can only work if both of you want this to work.
This is about you and how you WILL get through this, seek what you want out of this. You done nothing wrong and remember that.
Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

You already work with her, so it's not like this will be your first encounter with her.

As for the sly digs, I'm guessing you are keeping your head down and saying nothing back?.... If it was me, next time she said something I would walk to her, stand toe to toe with her look her in the eye, and let her know in no uncertain terms how pathetic I think she is.

People are questioning how you can forgive your husband etc etc... Well that's your relationship and your business. If you want your relationship to survive, you have no choice. Plenty people can overcome an affair and have a solid relationship after it. I'm sure he is working hard at making it up to you.

She on the other hand is not deserving of your forgiveness, nor is she looking for it, so that is why it is easier to keep blaming her while forgiving your husband.

She will treat you badly if you allow it to continue. So the next time she does... Put a stop to it. And then get on with your work!

Gooner111

Hey OP.

Really tough situation you got there. Seems like your trying to work through it all. I hope things work out between you and the hubby and I especially hope he is trying to make up big time to you for it. I would take the job. She will probably try get to you but after a few weeks of ignoring her I doubt you would see much of her. There will always be reminders of the affair but if hubby is making an effort and showing your the only one for him I think you'll manage.

And if she doesn't back off after the first few weeks tell her to! Let her know that you will send her hubby a very nice letter!!. And one to the company bosses - you state she was blackmailing him... maybe she used company computers/phones and he kept some emails/texts...something that might show her misappropriate behaviour in the work place!

Abi

I'd have no problem taking up a dream job, I wouldn't let the likes of her get in my way. It might seem a bit strange at first, but stand tall and proud. You've resolved the issues you had with your husband and have bagged the perfect job. I'd have no problem putting the likes of her back in her box if she so much as looked at me sideways.

You and your husband agreed to make a go of things, so anyone here saying he's not all sweetness and light is both going off the point and digging up something you've resolved between you.

You get to stand proud and TOGETHER with your husband at work now. She is in no position to go mouthing off.

Emme

OP, don't let this woman stop you from taking your dream job.

With affairs it takes TWO. If your husband didn't have an affair with your husband he might have had an affair with somebody else. She may be a bully and a flirt but that doesn't make her 100% responsible for your husband having an affair. Does her husband know about the affair?

dixiefly

Well, OP did you take the job?

Gerry T

Like other posters have said, don't let this person influence your decision, go for the Job if you really want it, if after some time your not happy, then you can look to change. You said you were unemployed so it sounds like your not giving up a job to take this one.
As for her, she sounds like a bully and the only way to deal with that is to stand strong, If it were me I wouldn't play around with warnings, she should be apologising so just tell her Husband today about the affair, give her something other than you to focus on. If she comes after you, then tell her husband about that, she will soon get the message and leave you alone. Hope you work through the problems with your Husband, but in doing that don't forget to look after your interests, take the Job !

Taltos

dixiefly - it is against our charter to ask the OP for updates. If you have not done so recently please take some time now to read the charter before you post again.

Thanks
Taltos

pastry2010

I just wouldn't take it, yes it's a dream job but it seems you have just gotten your marriage back on track and you have a chance to move on but with her there it's a constant reminder- and it doesn't help that she's very difficult by the sounds of it!! For your marriage and your family don't do it, keep applying for other jobs, keep positive you will get another dream job, if it was any other circumstance I'd say never let anyone come between your dreams BUT I think this could be bad for you and your husband.

All the best!
P

jdsk2006

I dont see how you can move on if your reminded everyday in her presence. I presume your goal is to build your marraige back up to a positive place, but all I can see happening is you resenting him and her more and more as time goes by if you take this job.

Goodluck with it xx

chubchub

Rachelmhr wrote: »

If this were me personally - I could not do that, I really couldnt. I could try all I wanted to ignore her, keep a smug grin on my face and be the bigger person - but how long could I keep that up for??

You just need to ask yourself (seeing as this is your dream job) could you really face her everyday? Would you be working closely with her in the same department or would she just be a face you might run into on a daily/weekly basis?


Ps... She doesnt want you around?? TOUGH SH*T... she shouldnt be spreading her legs to married men and MAYBE she wouldnt be in these types of situations.. You do what you need to do OP do not even entertain what she "wants" the cheek of her...

Whilst I agree that I couldn't work like that either I think ur statement is harsh. It takea two to tango and that married man should have remembered his family first. The one that want married has less guilt in my eyes.


Ef it apologies think this was well said afterwards... regardless of any problems your husband is still as guilty.