First time sex in my 30s

LegacyUser

I am a virgin in my 30s. My bf and I were trying to have sex without success. He's at his early 40s. He has experience but I dont think he has a lot.

We have tried a few times already but we just could not get his in me. I am not quite sure it's me who's too tight and nervous or it's him who's not hard enough. He withdrew from the relationship a bit. He admitted that this troubled him a bit and he did check whether he has ED but he said after a self-test, he does not think he does. I told him I wish we can spend a night every week together, not necessary to get there, but would be nice to have some intimacy and cuddles and kisses and if we get there, we get there.

Now we agree to take it slow. We will get a toy to help me get used to the feelings of something inside me. He's a bit big too and after every attempts (even he's not in, just trying or putting his fingers in), I felt a bit sore down there.

Any tips to make it work? I like him a lot and I hope we can enjoy each other. Obviously I want to have him in me too. But it seems it frustrated him more than me that he's withdrawing a bit.

Idle Passerby

Sorry to hear your having difficulty. It sounds like you have the right approach though. Most people would be nervous about having sex for the first time and he's probably nervous because its a big deal to you. The key is to be relaxed so getting used to spending the night together is a good idea. Take it gradually and get to know each others bodies and what works for the both of you.

In regards to getting sore in the downstairs department, that's normal if there's a lot of nerves and unsatisfying fumbling. He may be big but if your relaxed and turned on it will be fine. Just take your time and concentrate on getting to know each other and the rest will follow.

username123

Get a toy, some toys, and use them on yourself, without him there at all, and get used to yourself without there being any pressure at all.

When he is with you, get lubricant, and make sure to use that and for him to use his fingers first to get you used to it - the lubricant will help stop you getting sore.

You going on top so you can control exactly how much he is in you can help, the trick is not to go hell for leather all at once, but to let him in a bit then out a bit, a bit further then out a bit, a bit further etc....

Intimacy and cuddles and kisses without worrying too much is a great approach to take.

Im not sure what you meant by "ED" in your post?

As an aside, do you usually have trouble having smear tests? If you do then it might be worth discussing with your GP.

Best of luck, you will get there.

RandyMann

brianohbrian wrote: »

I am a virgin in my 30s. My bf and I were trying to have sex without success. He's at his early 40s. He has experience but I dont think he has a lot.

We have tried a few times already but we just could not get his in me. I am not quite sure it's me who's too tight and nervous or it's him who's not hard enough. He withdrew from the relationship a bit. He admitted that this troubled him a bit and he did check whether he has ED but he said after a self-test, he does not think he does. I told him I wish we can spend a night every week together, not necessary to get there, but would be nice to have some intimacy and cuddles and kisses and if we get there, we get there.

Now we agree to take it slow. We will get a toy to help me get used to the feelings of something inside me. He's a bit big too and after every attempts (even he's not in, just trying or putting his fingers in), I felt a bit sore down there.

Any tips to make it work? I like him a lot and I hope we can enjoy each other. Obviously I want to have him in me too. But it seems it frustrated him more than me that he's withdrawing a bit.

By your username, I was wondering if you are a man and you are in a homosexual realtionship?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I'm a woman. Sorry about the confusion. Another question. I don't think I really having high sex drive. But there were once of twice when I was just trying to get some intimacy with him (not sex, but just some cuddles) the next morning. He was like I was wanting for more. I explained that I just liked some hugs and then he released a bit and gave me hugs. He told me he didn't have high sex drive. I don't think I do. But I do want regular sex and intimacy. He agreed too physical intimacy is important. I am just worried a bit that he's not that sexual as me and I would feel sexually frustrated down the line. Maybe his withdrawal recently actually made me feel being rejected. I am actually a bit hurt that he withdrew a bit instead of trying to sort it out with me. I was expecting him to lead as I had zero experience. Am I thinking too much?

Idle Passerby

I think your possibly jumping the gun a bit thinking you will end up sexually frustrated when you havn't even managed to enjoy sex with each other yet. In my own experience my sex drive in a relationship has fluctuated depending on how I feel about my partner on an emotional level and how much effort they put into making it interesting and enjoyable. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be as experienced as he leads you to believe or maybe he has never had an intimate relationship? I say this because non sexual intimacy is important too, its not all about reaching the goalposts so to speak and he needs to learn that touching and caressing in a non sexual way is especially important for a woman.

Another poster asked what ED means - erectile dysfunction.

dannyc31

OP in normal situations such as this i would say just take your time and get more relaxed which other etc but actually the lack of performing sexually with each other is already becoming a stumbling block. i think the age of both of you does not help. like you said i'd say your partner probably doesnt have too much experience in that department which doesnt help him knowing how to be with a virgin woman for the first time.

so my advice would be to try get resolved asap before it blows up and ends things for good. all that will do is make you even more anxious for the next guy that comes along and also wont to much good for his self confidence either.

so what i would say is get a toy to get use to you being open, also get lubrication & condoms for him and lastly i would suggest he goes to the doctor and asks for a low dose perscription of viagra. people often think that ED means not being able to get an erection but there are lesser levels of ED where the man just isnt hard enough or has problems maintaining a hard erection mainly caused by anxiety which you can understand in this case. a small dose of viagra would overcome this problem and give him the confidence an hr before sex that he will be hard enough to enter you when stimulated.

best of luck wth it

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks again for leaving advice.

I'm sure he has experience. I trust him for what he said. He once had a gf for around eight months. Both of us have never had long term relationship.

I fingered myself last night and did not feel any pain. I got a toy today and also some lubricant. The gal in the shop gave the same advice.

Re. asking him to take the medication. He might feel hurt by that. We talked about that and he seemed a bit hurt after I said maybe its no harm for him to try the medication (which actually was suggested by him first) but he doubted its his problems although he admitted his age might affect. That's then he withdrew a bit and when I initiated the talk with him that he told him he did a self test and doubted he has problems.

I don't have much experience with men and I really don't know how hard it needs for a man to get into a woman! I really want to get my male friends for experiment now! (Joking of course, although yeah, this thought does flash in my mind!!!)

shalalala

Personally I think you are over thinking about it. You are stressed and that doesn't help you relax enough to let him in. You should take it slowly, get hot and heavy with clothes on, kissing, touching, grinding etc. This should make you want it more.

Then work up from there until you are really, really ready. Also I think your idea is right of spending nights together is really good. You just need to make both of you want it.

Also, I think that you should masturbate alone. Other people suggested toys, but I think that you should use them alone to begin with. Just learn how your own body works.

username123

Brianohbriansweeperf wrote: »

I don't have much experience with men and I really don't know how hard it needs for a man to get into a woman!

Quite hard. The real problem is that it can go soft so fast!!

I know you are determined to have him inside you, but both of you need to know your own and each others bodies and reactions before you are going to get there. You need to be using the toys and lubricant on yourself. He needs to be taking you to orgasm without having sex. You also need to be using the lubricant on him and taking him to orgasm outside you before you attempt to get him inside - that way you will get a feel for how hard it gets and how hard it need to be etc...

+1 to shalalala's advice above.

Sponge25

Trust me it's not so hard. We were all virgins once. Make him as hard as possible and get on top of you and you place it for him, when it's right at the entrance tell him to push! Just keep trying and trying untill you get right!

LegacyUser

So we did the experiment with the toy together last weekend (I used it myself before I did it with him also). It was fun. And he made it more fun with him helping and touching.

The problem was I could not get him very hard unless he played himself with his hands. And he finished himself as well. I asked him afterwards when we were having the pillow talk that why I could not make him as hard as he made himself. And he said I was not holding it hard, not moving fast enough. I once tried and it took me quite a while that my hands were too tired and I needed him to finish himself! (but he is very caring that he always makes sure I am happy first) What can I do in this situation that I can make him hard without getting myself too tired?

I would do the things that shalalala suggested next time that I would not let him take off clothes until both of us get very very hot and things get very very heavy. I would also focus on making him happy and hard. Just need a bit of tips here.

shalalala

brianohbrian wrote: »

So we did the experiment with the toy together last weekend (I used it myself before I did it with him also). It was fun. And he made it more fun with him helping and touching.

The problem was I could not get him very hard unless he played himself with his hands. And he finished himself as well. I asked him afterwards when we were having the pillow talk that why I could not make him as hard as he made himself. And he said I was not holding it hard, not moving fast enough. I once tried and it took me quite a while that my hands were too tired and I needed him to finish himself! (but he is very caring that he always makes sure I am happy first) What can I do in this situation that I can make him hard without getting myself too tired?

I would do the things that shalalala suggested next time that I would not let him take off clothes until both of us get very very hot and things get very very heavy. I would also focus on making him happy and hard. Just need a bit of tips here.

Okay so few women can give hand jobs as well as a man can. So try it but don't expect miracles. Just like if you are experimenting with yourself using hands or toys, it is doubtful that he will ever be able to match you in that way. It is a case of knowing what you need and when you need it without communicating it.

It is hard for anyone to tell you how to keep a man hard. To be honest, it sounds a bit like he is crumbling under the pressure. As I said before. Take intercourse out of the equation for a while. Then he doesn't feel the pressure to stay hard for long enough to get into you. I get the feeling that the nerves and the difficulty of penetration is making it hard for him to stay hard. (sorry for the amount of times I have said hard)

If you are comfortable with him and both of you have been tested why not try oral? Play with yourself together. Watch what he does to turn himself on and learn and then he can do the same. Notice rhythms etc.

dannyc31

So we did the experiment with the toy together last weekend (I used it myself before I did it with him also). It was fun. And he made it more fun with him helping and touching.

The problem was I could not get him very hard unless he played himself with his hands. And he finished himself as well. I asked him afterwards when we were having the pillow talk that why I could not make him as hard as he made himself. And he said I was not holding it hard, not moving fast enough. I once tried and it took me quite a while that my hands were too tired and I needed him to finish himself! (but he is very caring that he always makes sure I am happy first) What can I do in this situation that I can make him hard without getting myself too tired?

I would do the things that shalalala suggested next time that I would not let him take off clothes until both of us get very very hot and things get very very heavy. I would also focus on making him happy and hard. Just need a bit of tips here.

seriously i wouldnt worry about this OP. 9 women out of 10 cannot give men hand jobs unless they are really experienced and in you're case you are obviously not so you are not gonna have any technique. the problem is i think alot of women read how to do this in a magazine or see it in a porn film but the main problem is most irish men will have foreskin and so if you are too rough, you can hurt us. its no wonder it then goes soft :rolleyes:

if you dont mind oral, you should do that instead, most men wont resist getting hard as a rock getting oral.

Moomoo1

had a similar problem to OP, although we were a lot younger. Use lots of lubricant. Try to relax. Avoid positions where one of you has to support yourself with hands.

what worked for us is when the woman lies on her back and the man lies perpendicular to her on his side.