Just curious to what people think? Paranoia at its best??

LegacyUser

So have been with my current girlfriend for the last 4 months now.
Love the girl to bits, and her me or so she says. We really seem to click. Great fun always together, have our nights out both together and separately. Thats all great.
We are both working and in our mid-late 20's, (26 and 25).

The only thing that bothers me in the relationship is that she is friends with a guy she used to sleep with. This really really bothers me.
She was friends with him before the slept together and Im not sure as to how long their fling lasted but it was only just before Christmas. She said she was in a bad place and was drinking a lot.
She talks to this guy a bit in texts and that still, I have said it does bother me and she keeps reassuring me there is nothing there as there wasn't anything really in the first place and it was just a fling. She tells me when she is out if he is there and she doesn't seem to be hiding anything, yet my head is absolutely fried from this guy being around in the social scene. He is part of her group of friends so she will see him now and then (usually drinking scenarios).

What can I do to either stop myself from being paranoid as I trust her but not him. Too many times have I seen "friends" chance it with their long standing friends that are girls.

This just has my head absolutely racked at this stage. I love her with all my heart and try to do right by it but this is the only thing that is bothering me, and I fear that if it continues I might aswell throw in the towel and leave it. Really dont want to do that though as this girl has really gotten under my skin and I feel we could have a future together.

Idle Passerby

Have you met the guy? Maybe if you were to socialise with the group she's in it would ease your mind about the relationship between them.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thanks for the reply.
I have only met him once for a brief moment. Was collecting my girlfriend.
Just said hi to him as he was at the bar with her and a mate of theirs.
Didn't realize who he was at the time.
I have met her other friends though, all whom are lovely, male and female.

Ellsbells

Paranoia at its best wrote: »

I trust her but not him. Too many times have I seen "friends" chance it with their long standing friends that are girls.

Thats statement makes no sense if you think about it. You trust her but not him.. Well then if you trust her there is no issue, is there? Also, he may be a decent guy who wouldnt 'chance it' with his female friends... Not all men are the same.

Idle Passerby

Its understandable to feel a bit insecure about it but worrying about it will do no good. If she knows it makes you feel uneasy she would probably be happy to include you when shes socialising with the group he's part of and if you get to know the guy and see how they interact together it may put your fears to rest.

njs030

She had a fling with her friend, then moved on and by your own admission you are happy together.
If anything more was going to happen between them it would have done so at the time.
I agree that you should mention that you feel a bit uneasy and would like to meet him, but you're only together a short time and can't expect her to change her social group to make you happy.

dannyc31

OP its totally understandable to feel this way as from my experience men often cannot be trusted around good looking girls who are also there friends. i would of said you have nothing to worry about but the fact they actually slept together suggests he may have instigated it to happen and was secretly always hoping it would. does he have a new girlfriend now? this would be a better situation if he has, as it suggests he has moved on and is interested in other girls.

its all very well to trust your girlfriend 100% and so you should, she probably wouldnt allow this to ever happen again but my advice to you would be to try meet and chat with this guy when you's are all out together, try get a feel for him and for what he is like and where he is at. especially near the end of the nights when alot of drink has been had, alcohol can be great truth serum for getting people to show their true feelings, this would be an ideal time to just subtly direct the conversation with him in how things are between him and your girlfriend. he may let out true feelings or he may hopefully say it shouldnt of really happened and they are just both friends and thats how he wants it to be.

that might put your mind at rest if he is genuine, on the other hand you may just have to keep an eye on him and have a chat with your girlfriend that there is more than just friendship going on on his part depending on what you find out of coarse.

good luck with it.

ando

I was in a similar situation in a past relationship. My girlfriend at the time had a group of friends, mainly male, one of which she had an affair with in the past... I never trusted the guy, never, no matter how much I got to know him. And over time I found out more details that enforced my gut feeling.. My caution and paranoia (which I thought was just me being over the top) was valid.

With real world experience, I would not entertain the social setup she has as it WILL cause you to think and for your mind to race every single time she is out drinking with his group.. I would think hard before you leave yourself so vulnerable.

All I can say is thank god I am out of that situation now and I would recommend you to stay clear, for your sanity

charlietheminxx

Everyone is going to have a different experience with this.

My boyfriend is friends with a couple of his exes. Initially I was wary of this but one of them I know quite well now (I actually was acquainted with her before I met him) and I get on great with her. The other one, I am not comfortable with, but only because I have other reasons to dislike her. It doesn't matter how I feel about her though because she is still his friend and I trust him. He's not going to cheat on me with her.

Everyone has a past. If your relationship is good, don't let jealousy consume you. It gets to us all at times, but we lose out where we throw an amazing thing away because of something that happened in the past and will most likely never happen again.

Put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes OP. If you were in the same social circle as someone you had a fling with, and your girlfriend was thinking about breaking up with you because of this, wouldn't you be heartbroken? We all have our past, we can't change that but it's YOU she is with now. Don't bury the fear down, deal with it and don't let it destroy your relationship. Sounds like it's something special.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Thanks so much for the replies and different perspectives.
I have met and socialized with her group of friends and got on well with them, There are a few guys, one whom is my girlfriends best mate but they grew up together and he is a nice guy. I have just not met the lad in question due to him having work and other commitments. He does have a new girlfriend at the moment, I know that much as it is.

I did a bold thing this am though, she was in the shower and I checked her messages.
There were a few back and forth between them, his being longer etc. But it did seem like just innocent banter. I know I should not have invaded her privacy and hated doing it but felt it might put me to ease if she hasn't been in contact or had minimal contact with him. It hasn't.

I was single for a long time before this relationship, by choice as I don't see the point being in a relationship unless there is a very good connection and the person and I click. It took me two years of being single and doing the usual single guy actions before I found her.

I think my insecurity is down to this is after a long long long thought process and evaluation (I'm not normally emotional,jealous or any of that) that this is the girl I want in my life. At the same time I want her in my life...not to be my life. I still see that we both have our own independence and lives to live, careers to work on etc. I just find that the thought of losing her is getting to me, especially if its to this guy who was on the scene prior to me. I also know I really should look at it that she is with ME now and not him, and six months in to a relationship if something was going to happen between them it would have.
I'm still on edge about the guy and its really wrecking my head.

Sorry I'm really venting here. I honestly do appreciate all opinions and views on this.

Lorna123

You are trying to have total control over this girl OP and that is not possible. You will just have to let go and stop tormenting yourself over this. If something happens it happens but it looks unlikely to me. She has reassured you and that is something. Don't dwell on this, they broke up for a reason and the reason is that they didn't want one another anymore. She wants you now so don't worry about the past. Let it be.

Meauldsegosha

Paranoia at its best wrote: »

I think my insecurity is down to this is after a long long long thought process and evaluation (I'm not normally emotional,jealous or any of that) that this is the girl I want in my life.

OP that is the problem you're over thinking too much. You are at the early stage of your relationship relax and enjoy it.