Boyfriend never has phone.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship where we can only see each other at weekends. This has been going on over a year. We are long distance because of college so it wasn't a problem over summer.

The problem is his unreliability concerning phones. I am not a clingy girlfirned that expects constant calls/texts, in fact, we never text and have never done that daily texting thing a lot of couples do.

I gave him one of my old phones over summer so I could contact him but he lost it and never made any efforts to find it, even though he was pretty sure he left it at a friend's house. All summer his friends/family have had to contact me to get to him and I have had to do the same with them. His Dad even rang me at half eight one morning on my day off looking for him and was annoyed when "Nobody answered the phone".I was asleep, on my day off and I'm not a secretary, even though that is what it feels like sometimes.

Last year I was so frustrated doing the long distance thing as my only contact with him was through Facebook/skype. I can never call him to chat if I'm upset/have news or just want to talk to him. I made him promise that this year would be different but once again I have to wait patiently for messages through stupid Facebook. He has been there a few days now and has rooted out his old phone, he hasn't topped up in over a year so you can no longer ring/text him on it.

I have a message from him on Facebook but I don't even feel like replying. I have reminded him again and again, GET CREDIT, and he keeps saying "Tomorrow, I'm super stressed" He is starting a new, intensive course this year but how many shops would he be passing a day?

He is a forgetful, absentminded person but I think this is just too far. Long distance is hard enough but with this added pressure I'm not sure I can take another year. I love him so much but this lack of contact hurts me a lot.

Thank you very much for reading.

Ellsbells

He is being very self absorbed. I wouldnt be happy either with Facebook / skypebut moreover the fact that he is unwilling to be accessible given your previous upset about it.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I know I even broke up with him last year for a several weeks as I just felt like he wasn't very involved in my life and didn't care. He is not someone who needs a lot of social interaction, he is a genius and spends a lot of time in his own company. I would be his best friend but I feel he takes my support/devotion for granted.

Taltos

One question OP - has he always been like this?

If the answer is yes, then really the question you have to ask yourself is can you tolerate being with someone like this?
The reason I ask is if you are setting out to change him then why? He is still the person you got together with - what has changed to make you no longer accept him the way he is.

Some folk just don't like mobile phones, just because he doesn't want to use one doesn't make him a bad person...

Suggest you have a final chat with him - either he will see how important being contactable is to you or you will accept that he just doesn't want to be reached whenever anyone else chooses, or you both will agree to go your separate ways...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

One question OP - has he always been like this?

If the answer is yes, then really the question you have to ask yourself is can you tolerate being with someone like this?
The reason I ask is if you are setting out to change him then why? He is still the person you got together with - what has changed to make you no longer accept him the way he is.

Some folk just don't like mobile phones, just because he doesn't want to use one doesn't make him a bad person...

Suggest you have a final chat with him - either he will see how important being contactable is to you or you will accept that he just doesn't want to be reached whenever anyone else chooses, or you both will agree to go your separate ways...

+ 1 Agree with Taltos if this was something that only started happening recently or he only did with you then I would take issue with him personally over his actions but if he has always been like this and treats everyone the same with regard phone calls etc then it's something you need to ask yourself regarding the relationship and if it's worth continuing. Shocking as can seem in this day and age but some people just aren't great with phones and I still know several people that don't have mobile phones and just aren't bother about them - there are even people who don't have a mobile or facebook/twitter and not all of them are OAPs.

You have two issues one your own issues with the relationship with regard it being LD and you not being able to contact him easyily and secondly the issue of family and friends contacting you looking for him. With the second issue be blunt and tell people you are not his babysitter and hang up, they'll soon get the message. Regarding the first issue well first you need to think about things for yourself and then sit down and talk things through with your OH. College is not forever for either of you think is this something that only annoys you now because of the distance or will be something that will annoy you in the future if you are living nearer each other or even living together?

Overthrow

He's got no obligation to be contactable at all times. Some people just aren't attuned to that and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I see it more the problem of those who want others to be always reachable. Owning and using a phone is a personal luxury, just like any other piece of technology. Just because they're popular does not make them obligatory.

A few years ago, this would have been an unheard of issue.

Missy Moo Moo

Overthrow wrote: »

He's got no obligation to be contactable at all times. Some people just aren't attuned to that and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I see it more the problem of those who want others to be always reachable. Owning and using a phone is a personal luxury, just like any other piece of technology. Just because they're popular does not make them obligatory.

A few years ago, this would have been an unheard of issue.

With respect, it's all very well to say a few years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. Moot point, because it is an issue for the OP now.

The OP clearly understands that her boyfriend is not mad into phones, she's even said they've never done the daily texting thing. But it's obviously important to her that he makes an effort, especially since they're in a LDR and don't get the luxury of seeing each other regularly. Not to mention the fact that they split up over this very same issue before so he should be making more of an effort. She's not expecting him to be glued to his phone 24/7.

OP, Taltos was bang on the money with this one. Lay it all out for your boyfriend and take it from there.

Overthrow

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

With respect, it's all very well to say a few years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. Moot point, because it is an issue for the OP now.

The OP clearly understands that her boyfriend is not mad into phones, she's even said they've never done the daily texting thing. But it's obviously important to her that he makes an effort, especially since they're in a LDR and don't get the luxury of seeing each other regularly. Not to mention the fact that they split up over this very same issue before so he should be making more of an effort. She's not expecting him to be glued to his phone 24/7.

OP, Taltos was bang on the money with this one. Lay it all out for your boyfriend and take it from there.

Yes it's obviously an issue now, and an issue the OP seems to think worthy of breaking up over, so maybe the bf is unhappy with the relationship coming down to that, which is understandable. The bf isn't a child and as long as he keeps up a decent level of contact through other means, there's no reasonable way to demand that an adult carry around a device they've no interest in, in order to be contactable 24/7, so long as there's no emergency type situation going on like a sick family member or something.

We're only hearing the OPs side of the story here. To me making that kind of demand would be indicative of insecurities which maybe the bf is tired of appeasing, especially when trying to adapt to a new place, new life, new friends etc.

Missy Moo Moo

Overthrow wrote: »

 

We're only hearing the OPs side of the story here. To me making that kind of demand would be indicative of insecurities which maybe the bf is tired of appeasing, especially when trying to adapt to a new place, new life, new friends etc.

Tired of appeasing? I'm sorry but from what I've read based on facts the OP jas furnished us with, there has been no sign of any appeasement!

Let's look at the facts:

They broke up over this before.
He promised things would be different.
He loses a phone she gave him and makes no effort to find it.
He eventually finds a phone from a year ago that's as good as having no phone cos she can't text or ring.
He fobs her off with "tomorrow I'm stressed" when she asks- in her words- time and time again- for him to get credit.

Honestly I don't feel the OP is being unreasonable in wanting her boyfriend to be more accessible to her. That's why OP, you need to lay it all out for him.

Overthrow

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Tired of appeasing? I'm sorry but from what I've read based on facts the OP jas furnished us with, there has been no sign of any appeasement!

Let's look at the facts:

They broke up over this before.
He promised things would be different.
He loses a phone she gave him and makes no effort to find it.
He eventually finds a phone from a year ago that's as good as having no phone cos she can't text or ring.
He fobs her off with "tomorrow I'm stressed" when she asks- in her words- time and time again- for him to get credit.

Honestly I don't feel the OP is being unreasonable in wanting her boyfriend to be more accessible to her. That's why OP, you need to lay it all out for him.

These facts are only OPs side of the story. I'm not saying OP is lying at all, but maybe if the bf was the one posting it could read something like;

"I've gone away to college, my gf back home who I love and am maintaining a long distance relationship with, and who I chat to regularly online, is putting a lot of pressure on me to get a mobile phone so that she can contact me 24/7. I've explained to her before that I don't need or want one, but she broke up with me over it in the past. I'm busy trying to settle in to this new life away from home and feel I need the space to do so, how do I keep her happy without losing my sense of independence that I need in order to adjust to my new life?"

At the end of the day, the bf obviously has little interest in keeping a phone and probably would only do so because of the wants of the OP. I don't get why one partner is seen to be reasonable in insisting that their OH is contactable 24/7. As I said, he's not a child and there's nothing at stake except the OPs anxiety, which at the end of the day is her own problem more so than his, especially when they do keep contact through other means. I'd understand if he was bad with contact overall, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'd also wonder what the responses would be if the OP was a guy and the OH a girl. If a guy comes on here and says he wants his gf to keep a phone so that he can call her any time he feels like it, and she's under threat of break up if she doesn't comply, would it sound too much then?

Nulty

Overthrow wrote: »

These facts are only OPs side of the story. I'm not saying OP is lying at all, but maybe if the bf was the one posting it could read something like;

"I've gone away to college, my gf back home who I love and am maintaining a long distance relationship with, and who I chat to regularly online, is putting a lot of pressure on me to get a mobile phone so that she can contact me 24/7. I've explained to her before that I don't need or want one, but she broke up with me over it in the past. I'm busy trying to settle in to this new life away from home and feel I need the space to do so, how do I keep her happy without losing my sense of independence that I need in order to adjust to my new life?"

At the end of the day, the bf obviously has little interest in keeping a phone and probably would only do so because of the wants of the OP. I don't get why one partner is seen to be reasonable in insisting that their OH is contactable 24/7. As I said, he's not a child and there's nothing at stake except the OPs anxiety, which at the end of the day is her own problem more so than his, especially when they do keep contact through other means. I'd understand if he was bad with contact overall, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'd also wonder what the responses would be if the OP was a guy and the OH a girl. If a guy comes on here and says he wants his gf to keep a phone so that he can call her any time he feels like it, and she's under threat of break up if she doesn't comply, would it sound too much then?

They're in a relationship. Being contactable is the least you can expect from your partner. Even if he had a phone that only she knew the number and had it on a reasonable amount of the time and actually answered it to his girlfriend.

OP, you've got a problem there. Your respective attitudes to interaction in that relationship are incompatible. Either you accept that or you don't. He doesn't seem to care that you need him sometimes or at least according to your post, he doesn't show it.

I couldn't give advice and I certainly couldn't advise you to give him an ultimatum. You've got to consider the possibility that your not compatible on this issue and whether that is so important to you that you would look to end the relationship on those grounds. If you were bluffing the first time, he seems to be calling it.

stargazer 68

gettingsofedup wrote: »

His Dad even rang me at half eight one morning on my day off looking for him and was annoyed when "Nobody answered the phone".I was asleep, on my day off and I'm not a secretary, even though that is what it feels like sometimes.

.

This is what would p*** me off no end!!

Ickle Magoo

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Overthrow

Nulty wrote: »

They're in a relationship. Being contactable is the least you can expect from your partner

Yes, but he is contactable. Just not through the means that OP demands him to be.

Other than that, I agree; OP, your expectations of communication are obviously different to each others. If you feel that him not owning a mobile phone is a deal breaker then it looks like it's time to call it a day.

If you feel it represents a lack of respect or care towards you, then I'd be of the opinion that that could be an overreaction and maybe you should assess the relationship independent of this fact. Some people are just not in to maintaining a 'networked' life, and if he's making efforts to be in touch despite this, then I think you should respect his choices in this regard.

However if you feel that it's a method he uses in order to distance himself from you, then you need to confront him on that but not on the fact of the phone itself, the phone is just the context surrounding the issue, not the issue itself.

We've all formed serious habits and dependency around our phones nowadays, however I maintain that I don't think owning a mobile phone is obligatory for being in a relationship and maybe your bf feels the same and that you're giving too much emphasis to this single point.

shalalala

You have to ask yourself if he is reliable OP. If things were going to progress between you and you have children... would you be happy knowing that you wouldn't be able to contact him, or the school, or the kids themselves?

He just seems very self-absorbed and if he cannot at least try to improve for you (you have tried OP by giving him a phone etc) then I think you should call it a day.

It is true. If you have a bad day you should be able to give him a call. That is what being in a relationship is about.

Lollipops23

In days gone by when people didn't have mobile phones or internet, they were nearly always contactable by landline. Every home had one, and it was acceptable to call their place of work if it was important/urgent.

You OH has given you none of these options. He sounds like he isn't equipping himself correctly to be able to participate in a long distance relationship, and he's not even accepting help.

He's not making a fraction of the effort he should be. If it were me, I'd cut him loose.

LegacyUser

OP here again, really appreciate all the replies.

Taltos, yes I guess he has always been this way. It was never as bad though. It started with him having a phone but never credit so it just made sense to talk on Skype so we could chat for a long time. Then it slowly became no phone, or phone never on and after a while it just became internet was our only means of talking until the weekend. I know you can't change someone, and he really is so special!, but we just had issues over this before so I thought he'd care enough to make a change when I essentially spent all summer being a call center for him.

Missy Moo, thank you for all your replies. I always question myself and think I'm over reacting to things but your replies made me feel better. The one or two friends I have told about this find the whole situation a bit ridiculous too and I feel exasperated.

I mailed him on Facebook (how juvenile that sounds, feel like cringing...) a rather I suppose..stern...message. I explained I'm sick of nagging about something I really shouldn't have to. I told him also I'm sorry to be saying this to him on his first week of college but he is passing shops all the time. I also said I hope he was having fun etc.

He didn't reply until this morning. Like I have no idea how his day went yesterday, did he go out last night maybe? He hasn't asked me about anything to do with me being back, even though he knows I was very nervous about my new housemates.

His reply was a simple, "I got credit yesterday, it wont let me make calls. Im sorting it out". I just said back "Right, I'll talk to you at the weekend".

I don't think this is going to work....but I really do love him so much. I don't know how I would go about breaking up? I don't want to break up but I don't know if I can take this. My sister said before "This guy is driving you insane" and also a friend of his came up to me on a night out, during the time we were broken up, and told me, "You're better off without him as he isn't reliable".

Lollipops23

OP, can you imagine this being an issue as the relationship moves forward? It'll probably get worse. He doesn't sound like he's interested in actually putting in any effort, and as anyone who's ever been in a LDR will tell you, they really require a lot of effort on both sides.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

OP, can you imagine this being an issue as the relationship moves forward? It'll probably get worse. He doesn't sound like he's interested in actually putting in any effort, and as anyone who's ever been in a LDR will tell you, they really require a lot of effort on both sides.

I do see this being an issue in the future, as it was in our past and is now an issue in the present. If he is "too stressed" to sort a phone during orientation week then I feel he will be even worse when his stressful course starts. It'll be a 9-5 daily grind with all his spare time spent studying.

With the distance now I can analyze the whole thing without much emotion and see that the situation might not change and staying together isn't the best option, but once I see him in person over the weekend all these reservations will just melt. I will convince myself that I wont let the distance bother me as I do just care about him so much. It was a lot easier to break it off last time but our relationship really strengthened so much over the summer. He is also very much settled in the relationship and sees it as being a forever thing...When I am with him i can't imagine being with someone else but when the distance comes into it I can feel the nagging doubts and stress that he puts me through with his lack of care.

charlietheminxx

ophereagain wrote: »

I don't think this is going to work....but I really do love him so much. I don't know how I would go about breaking up? I don't want to break up but I don't know if I can take this. My sister said before "This guy is driving you insane" and also a friend of his came up to me on a night out, during the time we were broken up, and told me, "You're better off without him as he isn't reliable".

See OP once you start to realise that, it's very hard to find a way back.

I've been there myself. After a long relationship, when you sorely love the other person, it's hard to walk away.

I've done LDR's, they aren't easy. I've also been in a relationship where I was putting in more effor than the other person was, and that was even worse. You're in a combination of the two.

It's very very hard to walk away from it, but your family and even HIS friends seem to think that would be what's best for you. You're not being appreciated, and to be honest, it sounds like he isn't even treating you with basic respect by some of his behaviour.

He hasn't even asked you about being back in college That must have been really upsetting, you expect a partner to be someone who would be there to take an interest in your life/listen, even if they can't physically be there.

littlefriend

I don't mean this in an inflammatory way but could you just accept that this is the way he is? You see him at the weekends and have contact a couple of times during the week (from what I can make out) could you just live with this until he finishes his course when you see each other more? Don't get me wrong it would do my head in too but if you think you really love him and he is something special maybe its worth learning to live with his foibles.

Good luck anyway.