His fam hates me.....

ad1234

Hi!
I was just looking for a bit of advice, Ive been in a great relationship for 3 yrs and we have a child, I have one from previous too. The problem is my partners fam despises me! so bad they have all but cut out my partner, his mother hasnt spoke to him in 2 yrs. now his brother is urging him to be rid of me and the kids. hes from a large fam so it really feels like ive been ganged u on. they treat my first child like he desnt exist and its completly not fair on him seeing his sister wanted and not understand what he did. I saw some texts on my partners phone yesterday too from his brother and the pure hatred is way worse than i thought. my poor partner has taken u councelling too to deal with the fam issues. I just dont know what to do. we are ment to be getting married and buy a house soon. Im so depressed about it all. I really dont now if i can cope anymore. my child is missing out on family because of me, and my partner, and my other child thinks theres something wrong with him. any advice would be welcome.? I just cant cope anymore with it.

Roisy7

Aw OP that is such a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you. They sound like pathetic people to treat a young child like this Your partner's brother is a disgusting person to tell his brother to abandon his own child, people like that make me sick!

I have no real advice only to stay strong and keep the lines of communication open with your partner at all times. Maybe they'll come round, maybe they won't. But at the end of the day, they're the ones losing out, not you. I know plenty of people who have been in similar situations and the ones causing trouble have ended up regretting their actions in old age or never learning at all Put it this way, in years to come when your children are making lives for themselves, they will look and see they missed out. As an example, if your child does well in the Leaving Cert (obv ages off) they may find themselves suddenly X's nephew/niece again then.

They say that blood is thicker than water, and family is the most important thing, but you and your partner already have your own family, if these people are that pathetic, you don't need them.

Don't let this pathetic person and his mother (I wouldn't even call her your partner's mother anymore) get to you anymore. Always take the high road with them (I know it's difficult) and stay dignified and composed. They will show the world how sad and pathetic they are all by themselves.

ad1234

Roisy7 wrote: »

in years to come when your children are making lives for themselves, they will look and see they missed out.

Thanks! your advice helps, and I have thought this too in regards to his mother, it will be one of the thins she will think back on on her death bed.

I have suggested fam councelling and got accused of calling them all psychos and just made stuff worse. think there happier just thiking i dont exist. not going anywhere though.

best thing is they were like this with his brothers girlfriend before me and now shes family. its like they found something new to pick on.

genuinely feel like im being bullied. if i sit back it makes things worse and if i say something things get worse...

Roisy7

You are being bullied. Jesus, but they sound like the most pathetic people ever.

My grandmother had terrible problems with her daughter-in-law. Ironically, as the mother-in-law is supposed to be the dragon, but anyway. Like you, anything she said or did was torn apart by this woman and she literally could not win.

My grandmother made the massive mistake of trying to appease her. She would basically apologise for her existence but that just made my aunt worse. Whereas my granddad never had anytime for her, and didn't hide the fact either, and my aunt was constantly trying to win his approval.

The worst of this happened before I was born, but having had my own run-ins with this aunt I know the version I believe.

So my advice is to not appease these people. They might well come around when there's someone new to pick on, but until then, just be as strong as you can and try not to let them grind you down. You have a loyal and supportive partner and two lovely children, and his mother just has bitterness and spite. Who's the winner here?

Out of interest, the brother's girlfriend- the one they now accept- is this the same brother who has been so nasty? What's your relationship with the girlfriend like?

The very best of luck OP xx

ad1234

Roisy7 wrote: »

the brother's girlfriend- the one they now accept- is this the same brother who has been so nasty? What's your relationship with the girlfriend like?

I thought i got along to them two, this brother is closest to my partner and ive known him as long as my partner. we all seemed to get on great, (the two couples)

in the messages i saw yesterday though was some horrible stuff apparently from them so dont know what to believe. just have the feeling theres constantly bitching behind my back and its very contagous.:(

They have been a bit distant recently though... and she has become closer to his sisters and sis in law who are the main ones directing hate...

Thanks x

Mickey Dazzler

Have you done something for them to not like you?

ad1234

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

Have you done something for them to not like you?

i recently removed them on fb after his sis, the main one who hates me, (never liked me from day 1) kept putting up sly digs, the final one was when i was chatting to his other sis and she randomly put up under our comments how she cant wait for the sis night out and went on saying how much she loves her bros gf and sis in law.. and how close they all are. i wrote them a polite msg before explaing how i thought they were lovely and just wanted a relationship off fb with them. one took it very wrong and my partner interveined then suggesting fam counselling. they then said it was me talking and they cant talk to him cos i proof read everything first and pull his strings. they say me then as calling them psychos. I dont think i was wrong for trying to not see digs at me and to get along with them outside of the crap. no matter what move i make im doing the wrong thing. it all started when his sis got in touch with my ex yrs ago and he used info she gave him in court against me. hes since well gone but i stood up for myself then and they see it as their right to be involved with my legal issues and to know everything. when i told them to stay out of a messy situation its when it started.

HeyThereDeliah

Speaking from experience and I know how awful it is for you the best advice I can give you is to suggest to your BF he has a relationship with his family without you having to be involved.
I can't say it will work itself out but in my case it did not overnight I will add but when they realised I was not stopping him seeing them they could not blame me anymore.
Be yourself and don't let them get to you they are the pathetic ones here not you.

Mickey Dazzler

So...... there seems to be more to this than meets the eye.... as we can only ever have one side of this story which is yours it is impossible to say who is in the right or in the wrong.

Your initial post seem to intimate that these people treat you poorly for no reason whatsoever other than they are unreasonable bullies. Yet when the surface is scratched there seems to be some sort of issues going back some time between you and these family members. So it appears to be not so black and white??

ad1234

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

Speaking from experience and I know how awful it is for you the best advice I can give you is to suggest to your BF he has a relationship with his family without you having to be involved.
I can't say it will work itself out but in my case it did not overnight I will add but when they realised I was not stopping him seeing them they could not blame me anymore.
Be yourself and don't let them get to you they are the pathetic ones here not you.

Thanks!

is good to hear im not alone. we had tried to do the without me thing but seemed to make things worse. from the messages yeesterday they dont want to even text or call him cos they think il be controlling all the conversation.

hopefully down the line like you too x

Roisy7

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

So...... there seems to be more to this than meets the eye.... as we can only ever have one side of this story which is yours it is impossible to say who is in the right or in the wrong.

Your initial post seem to intimate that these people treat you poorly for no reason whatsoever other than they are unreasonable bullies. Yet when the surface is scratched there seems to be some sort of issues going back some time between you and these family members. So it appears to be not so black and white??

I don't care what sort of issues have gone between them in the past, nobody deserves their partner's brother telling him to abandon his kids.

We only know one side, true, but this sort of familial crap is very very common (I can think of at least three friends whose family have gone through this type of thing, and they're not in the wrong either) and FWIW I think the OP sounds a genuine person who is genuinely upset.

ad1234

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

So it appears to be not so black and white??

nothing is ever black and white. but no amount of trying can help things move on. its as if they just made their minds up yrs ago and thats that. theres children involved now though who will miss out on family if things dont get fixed and i was wondering for advice n how...? things just keep getting worse. since i stood up for myself yrs ago ive stayed sitent and been polite for the sake of my partner so i dont know how things keep escallating.

its not the first time this has happend to, one of his brothers had to move out after there was an arguement in regards to his gf, who has only now 5 yrs later began getting along with them(its as if they found something new to pick on), and the others gf broke u with him following this type of attude froom his fam. i really dont know what to do.

WhyGoBald

ad1234 wrote: »

Thanks!

is good to hear im not alone. we had tried to do the without me thing but seemed to make things worse. from the messages yeesterday they dont want to even text or call him cos they think il be controlling all the conversation.

Good. Why should either of you be exposed to that rubbish?

Speaking from experience and I know how awful it is for you the best advice I can give you is to suggest to your BF he has a relationship with his family without you having to be involved.

I'm not sure I'd advise this, really. What happens if they continue to demand this in years to come? Will they condescend to accept the younger child but reject the older child? Appeasing them has a good chance of making it worse.

What I would do, OP, is get some counselling for the two of you to help you to cope with the situation, and then let your partner have any dealings with his family to communicate your joint position on this and anything else. I think the important thing is to let them know you are a unit, and disrespect to that unit will not be tolerated. Don't be intimidated or stressed by these bullies. They'll come around or not, what is important is the family you have now.

ad1234

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

What I would do, OP, is get some counselling for the two of you to help you to cope with the situation, and then let your partner have any dealings with his family to communicate your joint position on this and anything else. I think the important thing is to let them know you are a unit, and disrespect to that unit will not be tolerated. Don't be intimidated or stressed by these bullies. They'll come around or not, what is important is the family you have now.

Thanks! that helps loads. yeah he (my parner) got sick of the me not existing attitude, his response last time a family gathering happend was what if i asked just you and not your wife or children. it was qucikly thrown back that my eldest isnt his, and all he could say is he sees him as his and this should be enough for them. its so not fair on the poor kids.

You guys are heling loads, thanks all. x

HeyThereDeliah

ad1234 wrote: »

Thanks!

is good to hear im not alone. we had tried to do the without me thing but seemed to make things worse. from the messages yeesterday they dont want to even text or call him cos they think il be controlling all the conversation.

hopefully down the line like you too x

It's very common And some families can't get along and want someone to blame. Looking back I was wrong in some things and did not help the situation tbf but young And headstrong comes to mind.
The one thing I know is things will come full circle and you and I will be in the same situation when our kids are grown up and bringing partners home and we might say we will not object etc but when the time comes we might look back and see things differently.
I'm still saying get him to chat to his family and then it's up to them what they want to do. I Always welcomed my partners family when they visited because they are his family and I did it for him and you will too.

Roisy7

ad1234 wrote: »

Thanks! that helps loads. yeah he (my parner) got sick of the me not existing attitude, his response last time a family gathering happend was what if i asked just you and not your wife or children. it was qucikly thrown back that my eldest isnt his, and all he could say is he sees him as his and this should be enough for them. its so not fair on the poor kids.

You guys are heling loads, thanks all. x

He sounds like a great guy

ad1234

he is a great guy, theres very few of them im very lucky!

and thanks guys..

I might suggest he sees if his counsellor will let members sit in on a session so they can talk and both get sides accross. when he speaks to them they are so headstrong on their views that you are just wasting your time trying to get feelings accross.

hope im nicer with my childrens partners...:)

WhyGoBald

ad1234 wrote: »

I might suggest he sees if his counsellor will let members sit in on a session so they can talk and both get sides accross. when he speaks to them they are so headstrong on their views that you are just wasting your time trying to get feelings accross.

My feeling would be to sort your heads out first and get rid of some of the stress so you can face them from a position of strength.

All the best however you choose to handle it.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe they think that you "trapped" him. I'm not for one second suggesting you did, but that could be how they see it.

In this circumstance, the only thing you can do is show them you are a united couple. The longer they see you together, the less they can rely on the "trapped" theory.

My husband has a child from a previous relationship, and my mother was very wary when we got together. Telling me to "be careful" and make sure I had my name on everything (we bought a house very quickly after starting to go out). She was convinced he was using me to buy a house and that he'd move me out and his ex and their daughter in at the earliest opportunity. The only way to prove to her that he wasn't out to con me, was by showing her that we were a strong couple who knew what we wanted.

Now, 12 years later, she's ok with him!

They may change, with time. They may not, but you can't do anything about it. Right now they don't like you, so whatever you do will be perceived as wrong! You can't win.

So ignore things. Don't try to be friends with them, it might never happen... And if it does.. eventually.. don't be too quick to go gushing over them. Be polite & be civil, but don't be made an eejit of.

Stop trying so hard to get them to like you. It would be nice if they did, but it's not necessary. And the harder you, and your bf try the more attention they are getting, and the more power you are giving them to reject you.

Carry on like you don't care. In time you won't care. Once they see they are not affecting you, they might change... But if they do or don't, it shouldn't affect you anymore.

ad1234

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe they think that you "trapped" him. I'm not for one second suggesting you did, but that could be how they see it.

In this circumstance, the only thing you can do is show them you are a united couple. The longer they see you together, the less they can rely on the "trapped" theory.

My husband has a child from a previous relationship, and my mother was very wary when we got together. Telling me to "be careful" and make sure I had my name on everything (we bought a house very quickly after starting to go out). She was convinced he was using me to buy a house and that he'd move me out and his ex and their daughter in at the earliest opportunity. The only way to prove to her that he wasn't out to con me, was by showing her that we were a strong couple who knew what we wanted.

Now, 12 years later, she's ok with him!

They may change, with time. They may not, but you can't do anything about it. Right now they don't like you, so whatever you do will be perceived as wrong! You can't win.

So ignore things. Don't try to be friends with them, it might never happen... And if it does.. eventually.. don't be too quick to go gushing over them. Be polite & be civil, but don't be made an eejit of.

Stop trying so hard to get them to like you. It would be nice if they did, but it's not necessary. And the harder you, and your bf try the more attention they are getting, and the more power you are giving them to reject you.

Carry on like you don't care. In time you won't care. Once they see they are not affecting you, they might change... But if they do or don't, it shouldn't affect you anymore.

Thanks I dint think of tryiny that way x

Lucyn

I'm in a similar situation with some of my in-laws and I think the above advice is good. I try to have as little to do with them as possible and not react to the bullying and 'mobbing' (when several of them 'gang up' but wouldn't do so individually). The less it appears to bother me, the more it drives them mad! Of course, I'm human and some of the things that have been said and done are deeply hurtful but I have my pride and self respect and don't let on.

I find that it's the younger, less educated ones with more time on their hands that are the main culprits. The older ones, with full time jobs etc have enough maturity not to engage in the behaviour. That's not to say they don't enjoy listening to the tittle-tattle! The culprits are people whom I've nothing in common with other than my husband. We'd never be friends or cross paths outside of the family so that's the main problem. We are thrown together with our in-laws and expected to be busom buddies immediately!

The way I look at it, we've possibly 40 more years ahead of us (please god) and they'll grow out of it (eventually) and be deeply ashamed of their behaviour (I hope!). I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know the there are others out there in similar situations. If I were you I would focus on your lovely children and partner and invest all your time and energy in them.

Oh and as I have told my husband...... next time I'm marrying an only child!:D

ad1234

Thanks! and dont worry there was no hijacking, its reassuring to hear im not alone to to hear other ways of coping. your right they will probably be ashamed one day and il sit back and wait for karma too hopefully. and your really right on the un-educated ones and that, none of the bullies, as i call them, even finished school, never mind have a job so i think i might just be something to keep their boring lives filled. :mad: im just waiting for the last single one to get a gf and maybe they'll move on. poor girl. xx