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Dealing with difficult people

  • 15-09-2012 7:25am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I didn't want to hijack the other work related thread here and I can't start one in the work forum, so I hope you can post this here.

    I work in a very small rural shop, with 3 part time staff, including me, all women and one male boss.

    The work is ok and I have never been work shy so just get on with my tasks, ordering, stocking out and helping customers, there are lots of positives, nice customers and the other two I work with are great.

    The big negative is the boss. He likes to keep us in our place with smart remarks, condesending behaviour and is generally a real stress head. He thinks he's really busy all the time but he actually just mismanages his time and workload. He makes a lot of work for himself, I don't want to go into too much detail. He's really moody, he could be all chat and laughing one minute and you're at ease with him, then he could turn on you for something really small. The shop is so small there's no getting away from him either, so there;s an atmosphere you could smother in when it happens. I am not alone in this, the other girls feel the same, so I know it's not just.

    There are health and safety issues that we have brought up with him but he doesn't care.

    Aside from his behaviour, I like the job. How do I change my attitude to rise above his wayward personality. I am just learning to be more assertive and confident after a very abusive upbringing, my boss is essentially like the father I grew up fearing. However, I'm not running, I know he's the one with the problem, I just have to learn to deal with it.

    I didn't sleep last night thinking about what mood he'll be in this morning. I have overcome a lot of personal problems myself in the last few years and feel like this is just another challenge to get me even more confident, but sometimes I just feel 5 years old around him and that I'm doing a really crap job, of course it doesn't help that he told me I was doing a crap job one day and instead of saying it was because of lack training on his part I just tried not to cry...silly I know, but I'm afraid one day I'II explode and then have no job anymore.


Comments

  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    Hi,

    I didn't want to hijack the other work related thread here and I can't start one in the work forum, so I hope you can post this here.

    I work in a very small rural shop, with 3 part time staff, including me, all women and one male boss.

    The work is ok and I have never been work shy so just get on with my tasks, ordering, stocking out and helping customers, there are lots of positives, nice customers and the other two I work with are great.

    The big negative is the boss. He likes to keep us in our place with smart remarks, condesending behaviour and is generally a real stress head. He thinks he's really busy all the time but he actually just mismanages his time and workload. He makes a lot of work for himself, I don't want to go into too much detail. He's really moody, he could be all chat and laughing one minute and you're at ease with him, then he could turn on you for something really small. The shop is so small there's no getting away from him either, so there;s an atmosphere you could smother in when it happens. I am not alone in this, the other girls feel the same, so I know it's not just.

    There are health and safety issues that we have brought up with him but he doesn't care.

    Aside from his behaviour, I like the job. How do I change my attitude to rise above his wayward personality. I am just learning to be more assertive and confident after a very abusive upbringing, my boss is essentially like the father I grew up fearing. However, I'm not running, I know he's the one with the problem, I just have to learn to deal with it.

    I didn't sleep last night thinking about what mood he'll be in this morning. I have overcome a lot of personal problems myself in the last few years and feel like this is just another challenge to get me even more confident, but sometimes I just feel 5 years old around him and that I'm doing a really crap job, of course it doesn't help that he told me I was doing a crap job one day and instead of saying it was because of lack training on his part I just tried not to cry...silly I know, but I'm afraid one day I'II explode and then have no job anymore.

    Consider getting another job for your own sake.
    If you explode or complain he comes across as the Hitler type who will react by sacking you right away.
    He is not going to change and he knows he has power over you and he likes abusing it and making you feel small.
    However there aren't many jobs going and chances are other bosses particularly in these tough times are probably all going to be little Hitlers too.
    So if you are happy enough otherwise then fine keep the job and eventually learn to just take his abuse like water off a duck's back.
    But you seem too soft to me for that and he is eventually going to grind you down and drive you demented. You are mixing up confidence with being a doormat.
    I would seriously consider moving on and getting something else.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,899 ✭✭✭✭BBDBB


    Your boss only has the power over you that you permit him to have. If you decide to refuse him the power to make you feel sad, picked upon, driven down and losing sleep over his mood then he is powerless over you. You decide. Not him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,012 ✭✭✭stop animal cruelty


    I was in a situation like that & l had to leave. l met alot of nice people through my old job & grew fond of some of them but when l left it was just a huge burden off my shoulders. l felt free. lm unemployed now but l would not go back there again. l use to lose sleep over it & consantly worry & it wasn't worth. lts not fair on anyone to be made feel like that.

    l think you should leave & start building up your confidence! Good luck! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 268 ✭✭castaway_lady


    Definitely be actively looking elsewhere, retail skills are valuable, update your cv, learn to drive if you don't already and it will give you more options. (look into the Lidl/Aldi recruitment)

    In the meantime be assertive with him when he barks, maybe Dr Phil is right saying "you teach people how to treat you"...maybe you can retrain him if you pick him up on it when he's being unreasonable. My sister had a boss like this, shes quite assertive anyway but when he'd bark her standard response was to raise her eyebrows and look him in the eye, hold eye contact confidently, let the silence run a few long seconds and then ask him to please not take his bad form out on her because she is doing her job...then attend to the next task as if nothing had happened.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    Definitely be actively looking elsewhere, retail skills are valuable, update your cv, learn to drive if you don't already and it will give you more options. (look into the Lidl/Aldi recruitment)

    In the meantime be assertive with him when he barks, maybe Dr Phil is right saying "you teach people how to treat you"...maybe you can retrain him if you pick him up on it when he's being unreasonable. My sister had a boss like this, shes quite assertive anyway but when he'd bark her standard response was to raise her eyebrows and look him in the eye, hold eye contact confidently, let the silence run a few long seconds and then ask him to please not take his bad form out on her because she is doing her job...then attend to the next task as if nothing had happened.

    Although I think Dr Phil comes out with a lot of bull and believes his own press, I do think you have a point and what you sister is doing is exactly how you deal with these kind of people, although the first few times it does take some balls to do.

    Op I worked in retail for years when I was younger, thankfully never had an a-hole as a boss but did encounter numerous idiots who seemed to be very angry for some reason or another, who walked through the door of the shop every day and the only way I could deal with them is to plant a great big smile on my face and be super nice, after all, their anger is going to eventually give them the heart attack and there was no way I was going to give myself one due to them, they simply were not worth it.

    OP as you grow and change jobs you will find that it is very hard to find one in which every one is nice most people have to work with colleagues who try jeopardise their jobs, or mangers who think you could do a better job so you need to be beaten down, its a dog eat dog world and can be very unpleasant at times. So if you are working somewhere that you get along with all your work colleagues, then you are lucky, but its up to you how much you let your boss effect your mood so you either grow a thicker skin and like the above poster said raise an eyebrow and leave the silence hanging or smile through it all knowing that his blood pressure is going to kill him and probably some time soon by the sounds of it


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    This is going to sound like a pss take, but I actually have another job offer but it isn't permanent and the job I have now is.

    The job I'm being offered is similar pay, but about €90 would go on travel expenses. I do drive and my car would have to e changed to keep up with the 50mile round trip I would have to take. So it also means tying myself down with a loan for a better car.

    I'm probably just thinking out load here, and trying to make a decision. Everyone knows the srtuggle we all have to keep the bills paid. I would have longer hours and travel in the new job but where I am now, I get to use my wage in a better manner..ie.not spending it on actually getting to work. I also have another loan but that will be finished soon.

    I'm older than my posts probably come across as, in fact, I'm old enough to be very confident and anything but a doormat, however, life as we know it just isn't that simple.

    Snafuk35, what's the difference between confidence and not being a doormat, I genuinely mean this, I guess I've been a doormat for so long the lines are blurred. Maybe I am a bit soft, but I would like to harden up abit.



    BBDBB, this is what I'm striving for, how do I 'refuse him the power'. Something happened on Friday but I was on the phone at the time and never said anything, is it too late to bring it up in the morning.

    I did already make reference to his behaviour and he actually brought it up with my colleague, who confirmed his moodiness and told him it wasn't nice wondering what humour he'd be in when you're coming into work in the morning. He was grand to work with for about two days but then turned again.

    I'm not looking for a barrell of laughs in work but no one should have to put up with his erratic moods. He has even admitted that he'd rather be doing something else himself but only runs this shop because he has to.

    Thanks for reading if you got this far. It has been very helpful.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    edellc..
    Aside from the boss, this job is good by todays standards, I have worked with far worse people but not as my boss and not in such a small environment.

    I just need to get over those first few times of standing up for myself.

    Standing up for myself doesn't come easy, and I guess that's what I need help doing.

    I do let things get to me far too easy, it's time I grew up, or perhaps matured to the actual age I am, it's just not happening very fast.

    Thanks again, your replies have been helpful.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,899 ✭✭✭✭BBDBB


    Regarding your above request OP

    thanks to road_hog, I have the perfect opportunity to demonstrate what I mean to you OP

    road_hog believes he is a dominant personality and wants to subjugate me and my views for whatever motives he thinks are important. Maybe its me, maybe its bad experience of HR (which I have never worked in btw) or maybe he is just angry today and the way he read my words has been the final straw. Whatever it is, It doesnt matter.

    He is incorrect to link my statement to his above comments and quotes BUT I have no desire to get into a long debate, he clearly has made his mind up and he isnt significant enough in my life for me to bother correcting, what would it achieve? nothing of real value.

    He has lashed out (entirely incorrectly, although thats another debate entirely) in a similar way to your boss I hope, dismissive, derisive and attempting to dominate.......... the question now is how do I respond?

    How I respond is my choice and my responsibilty

    I have options, I could

    a) be chastened by him, go away upset, lose sleep over it, worry etc - Not my style. - Consequence Im allowing him to determine my mood, he doesnt have the right or power to do that as I refuse to give it to him

    or

    b) get angry at how wrong he is about me and my experience and maybe respond in kind, throw a few insults at him, challenge him, show him Im made of sterner stuff. Im not a pushover to be bullied or cowed. Firstly that would bring upon me an argument I dont want, mod attention and sanction which I dont want as I like posting here and it wouldnt be constructive for you, the OP

    or can choose how much power he has overme, in this case very very little, but I can use his post to show you what I mean

    c) I can decide to remain calm, let his anger wash over me, it wont affect or influence my mood or disrupt my sleep as he is smply venting about some aspect of his own life that he is unhappy with, past or current. It has nothing to do with me and how I feel. Its his aggression and he should be the one to face the consequences of it. His misunderstanding, bad mood and aggressive stance is not something I intend to let bother me in the slightest. His attack upon me is totally impotent now.


    I hope that helps clarify what I meant OP :)


    Thank you Road_hog, for allowing me to demonstrate that, it made it so much easier to explain. It really helped. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank You,

    I'm understanding it now and have been thinking it over about bringing up what happened friday in work. But, like you said, it would probably just lead to an argument that I don't want, etc, so I'm going in as a new week with a new attitude and will try to remember all this stuff when he gets his knickers knotted again.

    Regards,
    WGT


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,899 ✭✭✭✭BBDBB


    keep it simple, only you have the power over your emotions, he doesnt, he cant make you feel crap if you wont allow it.

    good luck :)


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