Dilemma

sminkyshorts12

Hi i seriously need advice!
Ok so I've been with my OH (other half) for nearly 10years. We got together quiet young and have grown up together and have been through so much together. He's been my rock all these years and i honestly can't imagine life without him!

My problem is our sex life has never been great ( maybe at the start it was but i never felt he totally lit my fire or anything).

Now years down the line we have discovered he has 'issues' in that department which explains alot!

A couple of years ago i started fancying someone else and unfortunately cheated on my partner. I felt awful and quickly ended with this other guy because i got quiet scared of ruining the great life i have with my OH.
Since then my OH and i have moved on alot in our relationship and have gotten engaged.

Lately though i find that i am not at all sexually attracted to him and feel like what little sex life we had has completely fizzled. I've started having feelings for someone else again and feel like history is starting to repeat itself.


I know the grass is never greener etc as i learned that before but i feel because this has come around full circle again that i am staying in the relationship for the comfort security etcbut part of me feels i am missing out on so much.

I know this other guy is probably a manifestation of the problems in my relationship but id like to know if there is a possibility of more??

Confused and unsure

Gooner111

Not seeing anywhere in your post saying that you talked to your OH /worked with OH to improve your sex life.

You've already cheated on him once and admit your starting to fall for this new guy so stop contact with him!! You need to decide if you want to work on things with your OH or end things. Your OH deserves better.

If you decided you want your OH then start off by talking to him and tell him your frustrated. Work on getting your sex life going again. You can do some solo work to help with the frustration for now! You say he has some issues... maybe viagra or something like that can help him. Have him see his GP.

sminkyshorts12

sminkyshorts12 wrote: »

Hi i seriously need advice!
Ok so I've been with my OH (other half) for nearly 10years. We got together quiet young and have grown up together and have been through so much together. He's been my rock all these years and i honestly can't imagine life without him!

My problem is our sex life has never been great ( maybe at the start it was but i never felt he totally lit my fire or anything).

Now years down the line we have discovered he has 'issues' in that department which explains alot!

A couple of years ago i started fancying someone else and unfortunately cheated on my partner. I felt awful and quickly ended with this other guy because i got quiet scared of ruining the great life i have with my OH.
Since then my OH and i have moved on alot in our relationship and have gotten engaged.

Lately though i find that i am not at all sexually attracted to him and feel like what little sex life we had has completely fizzled. I've started having feelings for someone else again and feel like history is starting to repeat itself.


I know the grass is never greener etc as i learned that before but i feel because this has come around full circle again that i am staying in the relationship for the comfort security etcbut part of me feels i am missing out on so much.

I know this other guy is probably a manifestation of the problems in my relationship but id like to know if there is a possibility of more??

Confused and unsure

Yes we have spoken numerous times about our sex life or lack of thereof but its gotten to the stage where its gone on so long it feels like we are so passed it.

Also he has received treatment for his issues but nothing has really changed or improved.

I feel like our relationship has evolved from lovers to friends.


Im at my wits end at this stage because this is going on over a year and although we've spoken about it etc nothing has really changed or improved at all!

Kimia

What are his 'issues' that you mention? The reason I ask is because it's up to both of you to discuss this and make efforts to amend the situation. If he has 'issues' and it sounds like this has just been accepted by both of you, nothing is going to change..

sminkyshorts12

Kimia wrote: »

What are his 'issues' that you mention? The reason I ask is because it's up to both of you to discuss this and make efforts to amend the situation. If he has 'issues' and it sounds like this has just been accepted by both of you, nothing is going to change..

He has ' difficulty' in that department and has done for a long time. We've spoken about it, he's gotten treatment but it hasn't actually made any difference to our sex life. Its gone stale beyond belief.

I still love him to pieces but the thought of even trying to be physical with him that way makes me cringe

Taltos

sminkyshorts12 wrote: »

feel like our relationship has evolved from lovers to friends.

&

sminkyshorts12 wrote: »

.. but the thought of even trying to be physical with him that way makes me cringe

Sorry OP - but as much as you don't want to admit it or face it there really is only one thing you can do. Both of you deserve to be happy in life - being with someone who you now see as a friend and who sexually makes you cringe... Well, I know it will be tough but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

Sneaking around, having trysts when you can - with or without their knowledge. Hiding it from your family and friends etc...

Honey-ec

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like you're staying with your OH out of pure habit at this stage. I've seen this happen loads of times before and the reason to stay is always "But I do love them!", etc. etc. but in my experience in these situations, what's usually keeping one or both parties there is fear of the unknown. The relationship is safe and comfortable, and it just seems easier to stay there than to leave.

Some people can come to terms with having a sexless relationship. The fact that you've already cheated and are feeling the temptation to do so again clearly indicates that you are not one of these. And there's nothing wrong with that, sex is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship. But you need to do right by your partner and end it before you stray again.

You both deserve to be happy, and neither of you will be if you just stay where you are.

ManOfMystery

Having love and respect for someone is not enough to sustain a relationship over a lifetime. You need to also have some spark, some passion. Most of us have plenty of friends and family who will give us all the love & respect we need, but it's that special someone in your life who gives you the spark you don't get from others.

If that's missing from your relationship then you're going to have problems, a point which has been proven already by your earlier affair and now your potential decision to have another.

Ordinarily I would suggest counselling and talking about it, but seeing as you and your O/H have already passed that point with no success, it may be better for you to consider whether you're both just better off as friends. Whilst you don't say how your O/F feels about things, I can't imagine he is totally content to have issues in that department or have a sexless relationship either. And if he is, then that is always going to be at odds with your obvious desire to have more physical passion.

In any event, no matter what you decide, cheating on your O/H is not an answer. It will only complicate things, and only add a further dynamic to an already unstable situation. If you're thinking of going down that route, just break up with him first and then you're free to sleep with whoever you want. It sounds like you're staying with him now because it's safe, secure, and you love him as a friend. Do you think that will really satisfy you for a lifetime?

Oryx

If he is making you cringe physically, then you dont have many options. That feeling is almost at the level of instinct and you cannot overcome it. Trying to is a temporary fix, which as you know, doesn't last, and you then seek out physical satisfaction in other places, which solves nothing.

Which makes things hard. Because you can love someone, like them, and have your life wrapped around theirs, and yet, this one issue is an absolute dealbreaker. I know it seems mad to throw away all that is good because of this, but like you say, you see him as a friend, or more, a brother, and because of that you dont want to be his physical partner.

You have some painful choices to make, you break up with someone you sincerely love, or you stay with them in a situation that is damaging you both as it is not complete.

You have to be true to your feelings, and honest with yourself, and him, about how things are and how you feel. The pattern of cheating, and lying about your physical feelings will only lead to drawn out heartache.