When to have the 'talk'

LegacyUser

So been seeing this guy for a couple of months now everything is going great, really like him and get on great!!

Something that has got me thinking is we haven't had 'a talk' or even close to it, we just go out, sit in, go to the cinema etc and enjoy each others company on average about twice a week.

A couple of my friends have started calling him my 'boyfriend' and keep asking are we official yet, now I do really like this guy but I have been hurt in the past but then again he hasn't mentioned anything either, now I'm fairly sure he is just as interested as I am as we text every day also.

So my question is is it abnormal not to have had this supposed 'talk' yet? Surely there is no time limit on something becoming official??

thoughts??

Ellsbells

I think its soon but then again if you are sleeping with him, I would like to know if he is seeing other people too.

You could ask him if he is dating other people and see where it goes on foot of his answer.

ElleEm

It should happen organically, but if it doesn't, you should bring it up.
Even in a jokey way if that is your nature.

I agree with Ells, if you are sleeping together you should know if he is sleeping with others (or even open to it).

It sounds like he is as interested in you as you are in him and he may just be nervous to bring it up.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

We are sleeping together and have been for about a month. I'd like to think he's not seeing anybody else and don't think he is as whenever were not together we text - not constantly all day or anything but we would speak all day.

Thing is I don't want to rush into anything but am really enjoying what we have at the moment - neither of us would be very forthcoming people so I don't even know when the talk would happen.

I guess I just don't want to be wasting my time with someone who is not into anything serious but I guess if he is texting me every day and always the one initiating conversations/meetings then I guess that's my answer?!

Sometimes you just don't know with men!!

Any lads opinions?!

Taltos

OPagain wrote: »

We are sleeping together and have been for about a month. I'd like to think he's not seeing anybody else

In my opinion once you are where you are now the time for the "talk" is overdue. If only for safety's sake...

Ellsbells

OP when you are sleeping with someone its important to be forthcoming.

I am confused as you say you dont want to rush anything but yet you want to know where you stand?

LegacyUser

I don't want to rush as in I don't want a label on it yet and don't feel I am ready to be in a committed relationship with him yet although I can definitely see that in the future?

As previously said before I've been hurt in the past so want to tread carefully!!

Ellsbells

So turn that around and if he asked you where he stood, what would you say?

My view of 'the talk' is that you decide to become formal boyfriend and girlfriend but if you dont want that now, what is the point having a talk? Do you want him to say i would like to be your boyfriend in the future?

Not trying to be awkward here but you need to know what answer you want before you instigate 'the talk'.

LegacyUser

I would say that I can see it happening in the future but I am not ready at the moment to become official boyfriend and girlfriend and would like to get to know him better and trust him etc?

I don't want to instigate it as such but also am wondering why he hasn't but maybe he is just breezing along at my pace?!

woodchuck

I've never heard of this 'the talk' business... maybe he hasn't either. I think becoming official is just something that happens naturally (eg introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend), but if you need clarification then just talk to him to see if you're both on the same page. I wouldn't make a big deal of it though talking about the future etc, but just to make sure neither of you is seeing anyone else atm and don't plan to while you're together. If nothing else it's the safe thing to do when you're sleeping with someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks woodchuck I think you have hit the nail on the head there and I think that would sound more likely to me rather then 'ok so are we boyfriend and girlfriend' talk, I find that quite juvenlile seeing as we are in our late twenties and would think that it would just go without saying after a certain amount of time?

I am just feeling the pressure from friends around me who are engaged/in long term relationships saying having we made it official and have we had the talk.

Taltos

OP - you are posting unregistered. As a result it requires voluntary mods to approve your posts. Please do not keep posting the same post, just have some patience and when one of us is free we will pop in, review and approve/delete posts as appropriate.

Thanks
Taltos

ultra_other

Hi OP
I don't think I ever has a "talk" with one of my girlfriends or them with me. We went out, saw each other and hung out with each other and do the other stuff people in love do, but we never said as far as I know to each other your my girlfriend or her to me your my boyfriend. My friends would say it and we would agree with them, and that's how it happened with me and my girlfriends.

OK at christmas and birthdays I would by a card that would say for my girlfriend on it

OP wrote: »

I am just feeling the pressure from friends around me who are engaged/in long term relationships saying having we made it official and have we had the talk.

Do not feel under pressure from your friends, they will want you to be happy, and be in a happy relationship. You should enjoy your relationship for what it is, not what other people want it to be.

woodchuck

op2day wrote: »

Thanks woodchuck I think you have hit the nail on the head there and I think that would sound more likely to me rather then 'ok so are we boyfriend and girlfriend' talk, I find that quite juvenlile seeing as we are in our late twenties and would think that it would just go without saying after a certain amount of time?

I am just feeling the pressure from friends around me who are engaged/in long term relationships saying having we made it official and have we had the talk.

I wouldn't do anything you don't want to do just to make your friends happy! If they ask again just tell them you're both having a good time at the moment and you think it's too early to discuss the future yet.

'The talk' does sound a bit juvenile to be honest... the sort of thing you see on american teen shows! I think during the first few weeks there's a chance that someone you're seeing might be dating other people (playing the field, exploring his options; whatever you want to call it). But I think if you're going out a couple of months MOST of the time it goes without saying that you're official/exclusive and the words boyfriend and girlfriend will naturally start to slip into conversation.

Having said that if you've any reason to think he's seeing other people and you want to be exclusive then you need to talk to him (NOT because your friends want the relationship defined). Red flags might include reluctance to introduce you to his friends, not contacting you for long periods of time, being cagey if you ask what he was up to on days you weren't together. But if the ONLY issue here is that he hasn't instigated 'the talk' then I wouldn't make an issue out of it. Like I said, I don't think many people do an official 'talk' here...

And of course because you're sleeping together just make sure to protect yourself (whether you're exclusive or not)

LegacyUser

Yes I am definitely being careful. As I said before he is a lovely guy who when I'm around treats me really nice and when were not together we speak every day but in the last couple of weeks we have gone from once a week seeing each other to twice a week so I suppose it's moving on.

He doesnt seem to go out a lot with his friends as they are all settled (same as mine) but I have met a couple of them so I suppose that's a good sign.

Again I think I am worrying too much what other people think and should be enjoying it and going at the pace that makes me happy - and presuming it is fine with him or he would have said by now!!

dannyc31

"the talk", it all sounds so dramatic and serious. us men hate that
look what your actually saying is you'd like to know that you are both exclusive and he's not sleeping with other women or open to it as this would be the most hurtful thing to find out if you have made any sort of emotional commitment to this guy right? so it that case just keep it at that. it doesnt need to be a full blown we need to sit down and talk situation as things are going well and those other things should just come natural and in time. but you would just like that little re-assurance that he likes you as much as you like him and is not chasing other girls.

so keep it limit to just that, even bring it up in bed or in a jokey way but ask him straight, you not sleeping with other girls on the side are you? because you wouldnt be able to deal with that now as you really like him and that you are'nt with any other guys and dont plan to be. he will should respond with how much he likes you and that he is'nt interested in dating other girls as you are enough. its not actually that easy for most men to get multiple women even if they're george clooney it takes alot of time and effort to seduce women, most men would probably admit they just wouldnt have the energy to be trying to balance a few ladies at once. women just often get those ideas popping into their heads when they start to really like a guy as it would now be hurtful if he was playing away behind her back but is often baseless.

anyway best of luck with it and mainly just keep enjoying what you've got especially forget about the friends annoying you about what stage you are at blah blah they're just looking for a bit of gossip like most ladies, sorry ladies

shalalala

OP. When myself and the OH had the talk it was basically asking if we were sleeping or dating anyone else. The answer was "no".

To me, that is some sort of commitment. Then I got drunk one night and texted him asking him why the hell we were not official if we agreed I wouldn't do anything with anyone else?!

Kind of comes down to one thing. Do you want to see anyone else? Do you mind if he did? Think you kinda have the answer there.