Money matters

LegacyUser

Hi all,I think I know the answer to this already but I'd appreciate some advise.
I've been with my boyfriend just over a year and two months ago we moved into a new house that he recently purchased. He had been talking about buying this house before we got together so the subject of me buying in wasnt an option, which was ok with me.Now that we are in, he describes the place as our house,and where we will make a home, family etc.This is all good with me. I have never been so happy in my life, Im in my late 20's and I know he is the one but here is the problem.
Prior to meeting him, I was with an ex fiance for 7 years and we had started a business together. Stupidly I took out a loan of 40k to finance some of this start up, and basically without going into major details I wasnt re imbursed any of this money when we broke up two years after taking out the loan. The loan had been serviced to the break up by the company but it was all through a cash account. Now 4 years on I am still stuck with this loan of 35k which is crippling me. I went back to college to train as a nurse so my wages have been very poor and only in the last year, I have been able to start repaying the loan and an extra loan of 10 that I took out to put myself through college. I am now earning 450 a week and 200 of this is going directly to a loan, which means I am living on crap money and have to travel daily which costs me over 100e a week.
Heres the saga, my current boyfriend knows nothing about this loan and its killing me that I havent a penny to put into this house.I am paying the esb and for groceries and that was by agreement.He thinks because Im in a good job now that I am secure money wise which couldnt be further than the truth. I want to come clean about this but Im afraid hes going to be really annoyed at me for not telling him til now and worse that I will lose him because of this. I couldnt care less if he had a house, a job whatever cos I am just happy to be with him, I'm sure he feels the same way but how do I tell him about this? I am thinking of writiing a letter and just laying it all down in black and white and then letting him think for a day or two about things while I stay somewhere else. This is where I need the advice. I am at the stage now where its eating me to keep it from him.Please help!

LegacyUser

OP I am not materialistic in the slightest, but being brutally honest, if a partner had hidden a financial situation such as yours from me for over a year I would be seriously rethinking the future of our relationship. Not only because of the dishonesty but I mean if you were to get married in the future well then he inherits your 40k debt - in the sense that it impacts on his future, will he ever be financially in a position to have children with you, him contributing a much larger share of the household bills , the household will basically have to run on his income cos you're paying off such a huge debt etc. - being honest - it's a lot to weigh up.

Now there's the old if he loves you then it should be "for richer for poorer" argument, but I'm a realist and realistically for me it would not even be so much the amount of money owed but your continuation of making poor financial decisions and whether I could deal with that and all the consequences that comes with it for me and any future children we might have together. I personally would see it as madness to have taken out a 10k loan to go back to college when you already owed 35k! Also why on earth are you spending 100 euro a week on travel expenses when you owe 45K?! I can only presume this is because you drive? well if so OP sorry but -walk, get a bus, you can't afford to spend that much, simple as.

I'm not being harsh OP but you can't keep hiding this from him you have to come clean and if he's anything like me then you'll have to prove to him that this loan was a once off mistake and you're trying to get on top of your debts - not being proud and continuing to live a lifestyle you can't afford (again - spending 100 euro a week on travel expenses with 45K debt, just absolutely baffles me)

wersal gummage

I don't think I've ever posted here before, but that last reply requires an alternative view I think for balance.

You started a business, it failed. 40k (or 35k) now is NOT a huge amount of money in the grand scheme of things. Had you two bought a house together, you could be dealing with a much bigger mess re negative equity and all the rest of that.

Your business failed so you decided to go back to college and train for a very honourable job. Fair play to you. How anyone could criticise you for that is just beyond my comprehension.

As for walking to work. Well I'm guessing it if costs 100 quid a week in travel, that you are driving a very long distance to work ? Buses don't tend to operate during night shifts and various other duties that nurses work do they ??

I'm not a nurse, married to, going out with or even related to one by the way.

I think you should sit down and just explain this to him honestly. Maybe I'm naive but it sounds like your problem isn't THAT bad to me and your intentions are in the right place. Maybe explain that, as you are a very junior person, your earnings are not what they will be, that you have some loans to service (tell the amount), that you have large petrol costs for commuting (presumably to suit living with him - in a place very inconvenient for you ?), that you feel that you are not chipping in your fair share but that you are aware of this and will be something you will rectify as soon as you are able to.

Best of luck with it anyway.

I'm not sure if people will agree with me or not, but I really think that last person was a bit over the top so I thought I'd chime in.

midnight_train

OP, the best thing you can do is sit down with your boyfriend and explain things exactly as they are.

I was engaged before to someone who did not tell me until AFTER we were engaged that he was E25,000 in debt.

On top of that, he had no desire to work hard and get ahead - rather, he saw that I worked hard and was content to have me make all the money - which he kept calling 'our' money. (note: I'm a teacher, so not making huge money, but I believe in working hard and saving!)

My point is that my ex had two fatal flaws: 1. being dishonest about his debt after securing a commitment from me, and 2. not being a hard worker.

You don't seem to be either - dishonest or lazy - so your debt isn't necessarily a dealbreaker.

Sit down with your BF, perhaps seek professional financial advice about how to get your debt down, AND, if possible, get a second job. I had quite a lot of credit card debt when I was younger and I never would have paid it off if I hadn't gotten a second job. Well worth it, especially if you don't have children yet that you have to mind when you're not working.

Keep your chin up and good luck!

shalalala

OP, even if you don't tell him now, he will find out at some point. One day you will need to visit the bank together and it will all come out. You have to tell him, explain your situation. Let him know that you are not just with him for the house and tell him how you feel about him.

Best of luck

jimmycrackcorm

Op, it's no shame to have failed at a business and be left with a debt. Particularly one the size yours is. To put it into perspective, in a few years time you'll be earning much more and your debt is equivalent to going out and buying a new BMW.