Qustion

Sunnyisland

A couple together for the last eight years and are married for the last two, Both work with there total incomes giving them a good social lifestyle,Now the husband is demanding more or less that they start a family now,as he feels they have waited long enough and the wife has said she is not ready,this is starting to cause major problems between them.Any opinions on this ? BTW he is 30 she is 28, Thanks.

Moved to relationship issues.

Big Bag of Chips

Has he "demanded" or 'suggested'? It's one of those things that can't be compromised on unfortunately.. one person gets their way, the other doesn't.

What are his reasons for wanting to start a family NOW?
What are her reasons for wanting to wait?

Is this a conversation they've had before, or is this the first time starting a family has been discussed?

Is it being discussed, or are 2 people just digging their heels in?

No body can really give advice in this sort of situation, because it is completely down to each couple to come to a decision that they are happy with.

But its something that needs to be talked about, and then talked about again, and then talked about some more. So that each person understands and appreciates the other's point of view.

One person demanding, and the other person refusing doesn't work in this circumstance.

LegacyUser

A couple together for the last eight years and are married for the last two, Both work with there total incomes giving them a good social lifestyle,Now the husband is demanding more or less that they start a family now,as he feels they have waited long enough and the wife has said she is not ready,this is starting to cause major problems between them.Any opinions on this ? BTW he is 30 she is 28, Thanks.

I can see both sides to be fair

From the woman's perspective: 28 is still pretty young to give your life up to sleepless nights and screaming kids. Her husbands demanding is very unfair and selfish as he is not listening to his wife's needs and concerns. At the end of the day she will be the one who actually has to give birth and deal with all the changes that brings with regards her body, she will be the one that has to take time out of her career to give birth and possibly will end up being the main caretaker of these children. She may feel that they should be enjoying their relationship and each other while they are still young and free and not tied down.

From the husbands perspective: 8 years is a long time, if his wife is not ready after 8 years, will she ever be ready? Has his wife actually given him a specific time frame as to when she would like to have children? if she hasn't he may fear she will never be ready, that maybe she has changed her mind/lied to him about wanting to have children at all. Will she enter into discussion with him about the specifics of when they will have children? if she is constantly getting angry and dismissing the issue when he brings it up it can quite frustrating.

There are 2 sides to every story and without knowing specifics it's hard to say who's right or wrong.

Sunnyisland

The husband has always wanted children right from the start,The wife doesn't have much interest in children and is quite happy at the moment working and then travelling with husband,At the moment the husband is working foreign and sent this long text saying he wants children now,Wife does not Saying they cant afford to,Which begs the question when can they ever afford to ? Thanks very much for the reply BBOC and will pass this opinion on, And shall get back here with more information.

HeyThereDeliah

They must have talked about this before getting married and planned on when they would start a family.
He is working away now so it's not the best time to start having children and she wants to be able to travel with him.
She is still very young as is he so whats the rush a few more years will not make a difference. I think if he makes these demands it will damage their marriage.

Ickle Magoo

OP - this is an advice forum rather than for polling for opinion on hypothetical situations...can you confirm this is a relationship issue you are experiencing please?

Sunnyisland

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

OP - this is an advice forum rather than for polling for opinion on hypothetical situations...can you confirm this is a relationship issue you are experiencing please?

Its my daughter and son in law, and as my daughter came up to us a bit upset I thought I would get some outside opinions.

Memnoch

30 is not too young to be having children, IMO. If you have your kids at 30 that mean's you're almost 50 by the time they are leaving the home.

Do you really want to be at a stage where you're approaching mid-late 50s/60s when your children achieve full financial independence? Of course this depends on family structure and various other factors.

In terms of the actual couple, I can sympathise with both. I think what was mentioned above is a good idea. I think if the wife can give the husband a concrete time frame then that is not unreasonable to expect him to wait, once it is a firm commitment that she knows she will adhere to.

But if he definitely wants kids and she definitely doesn't ever, then one will have to give in and there is no compromise possible there.

Ellsbells

How often does he get home? It's could take a long time to conceive naturally while in a long distance relationship for obvious reasons.

What are you advising her?

Sunnyisland

Ellsbells wrote: »

How often does he get home? It's could take a long time to conceive naturally while in a long distance relationship for obvious reasons.

What are you advising her?

He is in the Army so he is often enough home, My opinion is I can understand where he is coming from, he wants a family but my daughter is not to keen on or at all. They have had many a talk on this and it was always put of till later, when she is ready. Then yesterday she got this long text which upset her badly, My daughters point is that with her being the main earner in the house if she got pregnant she would have to stop working etc etc also she says that she would want to stay at home and look after the child herself and not use a creche ? When i pointed out that in that case you will never be able to have children she just said again she is not ready. imo it doesent look good for the realtionship

Ellsbells

But did she not know what his job was when she married him?? She is waiting for something which can't change to change. She needs to tell him straight what she wants and not waste any more of his time.

HeyThereDeliah

realies wrote: »

He is in the Army so he is often enough home, My opinion is I can understand where he is coming from, he wants a family but my daughter is not to keen on or at all. They have had many a talk on this and it was always put of till later, when she is ready. Then yesterday she got this long text which upset her badly, My daughters point is that with her being the main earner in the house if she got pregnant she would have to stop working etc etc also she says that she would want to stay at home and look after the child herself and not use a creche ? When i pointed out that in that case you will never be able to have children she just said again she is not ready. imo it doesent look good for the realtionship

I'm thinking she might never want children and was hoping he might eventually agree with her or maybe she thought she could want them.
This is a big issue and if there is no compromise then the marriage is over. Why do you think she is so against having children?
I can understand its her choice not to be a mother same as its his choice to want to be a father but it's obviously something they have discussed and assumed it would right itself someway but it won't unless she really wants children.
I hope they can work it out so both of them are happy. She is your daughter and all you can do is be there listen to her and give your honest opinion.

movingsucks

Would the husband be open to staying at home with the child?
I think they both need to come up with a list of concerns and proposals to solve said concerns and this needs to be done in person and not over texts.

Does he leave the country for work much?
How long does he go for at a time?

Big Bag of Chips

She needs to start being honest. First with herself, and then with him. If she keeps putting it off "until she's ready", then she is leading him to believe that she does want children... Eventually.

But, now it seems she's not really sure that she does. Her reasons for not wanting them yet are changing. First its because she wants to travel and not be tied down with a baby yet, then its because she doesn't want to give up work... If she's not sure of her real reason, then that adds to the uncertainty for her husband.

I think that he may also be thinking similar so is trying to push her into agreeing to have them now. He may think (realise) that if she's still not ready, that she will probably never be ready.

And if that is the case he might need to reassess what HE wants. I'm sure he's not enjoying this either, and even though she's upset about it, I'd guess he's equally upset... Because what he thought was his future is starting to look less likely as time passes.

Edit: if she is the main earner, it would make more sense for him to be a stay ay home dad... Would your daughter be ok with that, or would she feel SHE should be the one to care for the baby?

LegacyUser

It's possible that she's not ready to have children because she will be raising that child alone, if her husband is in the army. Has he mentioned his reasons for wanting a baby? He wishes to start a family but will he be around to help raise that family?

In regards to the comment above regarding age, no-one should ever have a child because of the date on the calendar. Some people are ready at 20, some people aren't ready at 40.

It would be wonderful if people, all people, I'm not referring to any person in particular, would think about the environment they are considering bringing a child into. I can't personally get my head around this kind of thinking but there are some peole who want a baby because their siblings have one and they feel left out, or because "having a baby" comes next on some imaginary to-do list.

LegacyUser

I think your daughter is being quite selfish to be honest. She needs to sit down and decide if she wants kids or not. If she doesn't she needs to tell her husband this so that he has the choice to find a woman who does want to have kids with him if he so wishes.

This leading him on with a vague "when i'm ready" rubbish with no realistic or concrete indication of when that will be is very self centred. she's basically stringing her husband along as it is and possibly married him under the false pretence that she wanted children with him

If the situation was reversed and the husband was stringing your 30 yr old daughter along or had lied about wanting kids before he married her, i'm sure she and you would be furious. sounds like your daughter needs a serious reality check to be honest, she's playing with her husbands future.

daisybelle2008

falsepretences wrote: »

I think your daughter is being quite selfish to be honest. She needs to sit down and decide if she wants kids or not. If she doesn't she needs to tell her husband this so that he has the choice to find a woman who does want to have kids with him if he so wishes.

This leading him on with a vague "when i'm ready" rubbish with no realistic or concrete indication of when that will be is very self centred. she's basically stringing her husband along as it is and possibly married him under the false pretence that she wanted children with him

If the situation was reversed and the husband was stringing your 30 yr old daughter along or had lied about wanting kids before he married her, i'm sure she and you would be furious. sounds like your daughter needs a serious reality check to be honest, she's playing with her husbands future.

It really is not a decision that you can flip on or off. Not being ready is a very valid place to be. I too felt like that at 28. I could not tell you yes or no, and someone pressuring me was awful. All I knew was I was just not ready and could not force myself to someone else's timeline! I was not being selfish! I just was not ready! It took a few years for me to come to a decision but someone else pushing me never helped and destroyed the relationship. It is a very difficult place to be. Go easy on your daughter OP, she needs support not ultimatums!

LegacyUser

I don't want to put the frighteners on you but your daughter sounds suspiciously like me. For years if anyone asked me if I wanted children, I'd have hummed and hawed and said sometime in the future. Luckily I never got married because I came to realize that I didn't want them at all. It just took me a very long time to recognize my lukewarm feelings for what they were. I'm now an auntie and while I care for my little nieces and nephews very much I'm delighted to hand them back. I'm not maternal but I'm not a heartless cow either.

I can't speak for your daughter but she sounds like she's just kicking the can down the road. There is rarely an ideal time for having a baby. There will always be obstacles people can find if they want an excuse not to have a baby. Most people just go have their children and then work around it as best they can.

The only person who holds the answer to this is your daughter. I wouldn't go as far as to say she's deliberately stringing her husband along. If she's anything like me in the past, she will have been hoping that her desire to have a child would grow.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It really is not a decision that you can flip on or off. Not being ready is a very valid place to be. I too felt like that at 28. I could not tell you yes or no, and someone pressuring me was awful. All I knew was I was just not ready and could not force myself to someone else's timeline! I was not being selfish! I just was not ready! It took a few years for me to come to a decision but someone else pushing me never helped and destroyed the relationship.

but thats my point. Theres a difference between knowing you want kids and just not being ready and not sure if you want kids and not being ready. If theres doubt in her mind as to whether she ever wants kids then she owes it to her husband to tell him so he can decide if he wishes to remain in the relationship. Keeping her doubts to herself in such a case is selfish as shes stringing him along knowing full well shes uncertain if she will ever want kids with him. It's dishonest and deceitful.

Sunnyisland

Thanks for all your replies,
My daughter has just said she has no martainal extincts and her body is not craving a child, and says she told her husband before they got married that she wasn't prepared to have a child till in her 30,s. and says he is just pressurising her.She also said that if her marriage breaks up so be it :-(

Wont post anymore on the subject for a while.

Big Bag of Chips

realies, we'll lock this thread for now then.

It can be reopened at your request at any time. Just pm one of the Mods here and we will do it for you.

All the best,
PI Mods.