Should Grandparents have any rights to their Grandchildren?

LegacyUser

I'm just interested to know what the general opinion on this subject is. Should grandparents have visitation rights to their grandchildren or should the parents have full power over what relatives have access to their kids?

Ellsbells

I think a healthy relationship between grandparents and kids is very important for kids. Do you not want them to see the grandparents?

Moonbeam

It depends really.
I think ideally they should and if it is a case where they are no harm to the kids then yes they should have but there are some awful grandparents out there and sometimes the kids are better off with out contact.
In case where the parents are not together I think the grandparents on the other side should have rights if they want even if the other parent does not, once they do not bad mouth the parents and are not a bad influence.

Daisy M

I genuinely don't know. I think this is something that needs to be decided on a case by case basis. If the grandparents and parents are estranged and the grandparents are given access then I think this could be quiet a toxic athmosphere for the child and they may feel they are doing something wrong. However if the grandparents are the only ones who provide the child with stability to the child spending time with them may be good but if the parents are that bad then they should not have gaurdianship.

mohawk

It's not really a black and white issue. There are many factors. If the grandparents are going to be toxic and manipulate the child then they shouldn't be surprised if they don't get to see the grandchildren. In some cases the grandparents can offer a more stable home for a child.

In the case of a relationship breakdown between parents it can be a good for the child to maintain contact with both sides of the family (unless they are constantly bad mouthing the parents).

IMO you should only have rights towards a child if you are going to treat them with the respect and care they all deserve.

carbob

my Daughters father does not want anything to do with her I only meet his parents after I had her (while pregnant he told me they wanted nothing to do with the baby) they turned out to be really lovely people they love their granddaughter and its great to have the extra support.I fully believe grandparents on either side have rights.

wexie

hmmm.....it's a toughy, but personally I believe that (access to) grand children is/are earned by being a good parent. My opinions are probably a bit skewed by personal experiences though.

hoodwinked

coming at it from my personal experience (having had negative influence by grandparents on my child) no,


the water is muddy enough with parental rights, and at the end of the day the more emotionally attached people you get involved the messier the situation,

the only time a grandparent would need to use rights to see their grandchildren means there is an issue with a parent or both parents.

and that issue would need to be resolved first and foremost especially if both parents agree on blocking access to grandparents.

i believe parents have the right to choose who has access, and grandparents should only be brought into it if both parents are proven bad guardians or are putting the child in danger.

Morag

Grandparents can be granted visitation rights in the courts.

bisset

What about the children's rights to see their grandparents. In general children benefit from having contact with grandparents. Sometimes people who did not do a good job of being a parent when in their 20's or 30's can do a good job of being a grandparent in their 50's or 60's.

Daisy M

bisset wrote: »

What about the children's rights to see their grandparents. In general children benefit from having contact with grandparents. Sometimes people who did not do a good job of being a parent when in their 20's or 30's can do a good job of being a grandparent in their 50's or 60's.

If you were the child who had been let down in a big wat by your parents would you be keen to let them have a role in your childs life?

hoodwinked

Daisy M wrote: »

If you were the child who had been let down in a big wat by your parents would you be keen to let them have a role in your childs life?

yes, my mother may not have been the best mother but she was for the most part a single mother stressed about money trying her best to raise 3 children in a bad area thus she was tough on us and let us down in big ways.

now she's a grandmother she doesn't have to do discipline or 24/7 care nor does she have the same kind of stresses (shes now married and with financial freedom) so shes happier more relaxed and a fantastic grandmother.

caprilicious

bisset wrote: »

What about the children's rights to see their grandparents. In general children benefit from having contact with grandparents. Sometimes people who did not do a good job of being a parent when in their 20's or 30's can do a good job of being a grandparent in their 50's or 60's.

This is true in my case. My maternal grandmother wouldn't have been a great mum to my mum, but is a fantastic & doting grandmother to her grandkids.

I don't think there should be a blanket condition of automatic rights, but on a case by case basis due to the complicated nature of the relationship with the child/parents/grandparents.

HeyThereDeliah

I'm not sure about this depends on the relationship with the parents and grandparents. When relationships end if the grandparents had a big role in their grandchildrens lives then that should stay the same.
Some people make better grandparents than parents probably less stress involved. I don't think I would be happy for grandparents to have any rights over grand kids.

eviltwin

In some cases its best to keep them apart. I don't have a relationship with my mother, she was abusive to me as a child. I know she isn't physically able to abuse anymore so I don't feel she is a danger to my kids but why would I want my kids to have a relationship with a woman who treated their mother with such disdain?

Squiggler

Such an open ended question.

I firmly believe that some grandparents should NEVER be allowed unsupervised access to their grandchildren (at least not until the children are in their mid teens) - my grandparents were in that category.

That said, unless there are extreme reasons, I think that it is important to know your grandparents, knowing mine helped me to understand my parents a lot better, and to be more understanding towards them.

doubletrouble?

YoungMum22 wrote: »

Should grandparents have visitation rights to their grandchildren or should the parents have full power over what relatives have access to their kids?

hmmm interesting question considering you've thrown in the or bit. the most important thing to remember is that it's the parents who make/should make the final decision on who their children see, no one else not even grandparents can make that decision. as for grandparents rights it all depends on each individuals situation/circumstances. some grandparents are worse than others. it would take alot for me to stop my children from seeing their grandparents but if push came to shove i would make that decision, either that or i would leave the house every time they show up.

LegacyUser

Hi op here. Thank you for your responses.

Well my story is that I'm a 22 year old single mother to a two year old girl. I was in a relationship with her father for about four years and he was very abusive towards me. I left him when she was four months old because his behavior was out of hand and I feared for our daughter. It didn't end there and I still endured a lot of threats and bulling from him, especially in the legal area.
He died a year and a half ago and I really want nothing to do with his family. The connection is causing me distress and stopping me from moving on with my life. I never got on with them and they don't like me but pretend to be all friendly. It's so obviously fake.
They put a lot of pressure on me to visit them for whole weekends. They live a two hour journey away. I don't drive so trying to get there with my child and all our stuff is a nightmare. They offer me a lift up but never home again!
Any time I do go up it's awkward and I feel horrible being in the house. They make a big show of my daughter inviting all family, friends and neighbors around and my daughter is terrified by all the strangers. They never seem happy to get to know her privately without making a circus out of it.
When we visit they don't pay that much attention anyway when the visitors are gone,and they just go about their business and could be gone out of the house for hours at a time. This includes pub and hobbies and beauty treatments. Too important to be be done another time obviously!
The house is full of dangerous and breakable items. I ask them to move them before a visit but they don't bother.
They want to see her at least once a month at their house for a weekend at a time. If i don't do this they ring and text constantly to guilt trip me.
My daughter hates them and cries constantly when they are around.

Do they have any right to be in her life? They are downright nasty and disrespectful to me. They ignore everything i tell them and think they are entitled to anything they want with my child, whenever they want because they are "grandparents". They will pull her away from me to take her for walks and to play with her when she is clearly distressed by this. She nearly gets hysterical when they do this. They slyly bully me and are totally manipulative and I'm fed up with it.

Do I have the right to cut contact with these people and get on with my life and keep my daughter happy? Or do they have the right to see her just because they happen to be blood relatives? Opinions?

January

Grandparents can and have applied for access, some were successful also.

I suggest you keep letting them see your daughter, but on your terms or not at all. It's unfair of them to expect you to uproot your daughter for one weekend every month. If they want to see her so badly, let them come to you.

carbob

Let them visit you for a change at the end of the day this is there granddaughter at least if its in your home its on your terms they might just see their wrong doings and develope a nice relationship with your daughter and you, and don't be guilt tripped into anything you do not owe these people anything only to do what's best with your daughter.

Squiggler

I agree with January and carbob. If these people want to see their grandchild they should be the ones having to put in the effort, not you.

I also think that you need to have a chat with them, without the child present, either face to face or over the phone and explain to them that things need to change, setting out a new list of rules. If you can, you should also document incidents, in case you need it.

Ken.

Personally if i was you i would write them a letter telling them things are going to change. In the letter I would tell them that your child is not a fashion accessory for them. You are her parent and what you say goes. In future there is to be no procession of people visiting while your there at their house.
If they want you to visit they must provide a lift both ways. For the next few months they will have to call to you to see her. If all is going well with that then you'll consider overnight visits to them.

Are your own parents still alive. Could they act as go-betweens for you.
Someone i know that was in a somewhat similar situation(father emigrated) and his parents wanted to have the child over (by himself) every few weeks.

The guilt trips were terrible. She changed her number and gave his parents her parents number,with their permission of course. Now his parents can't lay the guilt trip on her directly and she laid down the law in a letter like above. They either like it or lump it.

Daisy M

I agree with the others, allow them to visit your house on prearranged visits. If they are really bothered about getting to know your little one they will show up. I also think the letter idea is good, make a copy send it by registered post or email that way on the off chance that they apply for access you will have proof that you tried to facilitate them. Come across non confrontational in the letter and do not give them anything to use against you.
Best wishes to you and your daughter.

golden lane

having relations is an important part of growing up.....

it teaches the child who it can trust, and who it can turn to.....those relations do not have to be blood......havingf close friends that the child calls auntie and uncle is just as important....

so, it is behavior of those relations that is important.....not dna.....

the childs parents must have the right to decide who is suitable for the "relations " role....


it is not a good idea to deprive the child of those relationships...(they can feel very , left out)....

pickarooney

You've had enough dealing with manipulative arseholes in your life. Do yourself and your daughter a favour and cut them out completely.

Ellsbells

Op it's time to stand up for your daughter and not drag her half way round the country to be treated like this.

Tell them what is going up happen and ignore all their bs - its your duty as her mother!!

Hannibal Smith

Ellsbells wrote: »

Op it's time to stand up for your daughter and not drag her half way round the country to be treated like this.

Tell them what is going up happen and ignore all their bs - its your duty as her mother!!

That's a bit harsh. I think the op is well aware of her duties to her daughter, it was the duties to the grandparents she was asking about.

OP I agree with telling them that getting to them for a weekend is not an option. No judge would expect you to do that, if they went to court.

Tell them you want to sort out something thats mutually convenient. The current arrangements are too one sided. Whatever the grandparents' rights you and your daughter come first.

Ellsbells

I really don't think it is. She is allowing herself be manipulated by these people and it's her child who is suffering because of it.

Hannibal Smith

Ellsbells wrote: »

I really don't think it is. She is allowing herself be manipulated by these people and it's her child who is suffering because of it.

She's a parent trying to do her best by everyone, trying to find out where she stands. Just like most others who use the forum.

Big Bag of Chips

They are treating you like this, because you are allowing it. You don't want to go to their house once a month, hate being there and find the whole experience uncomfortable and upsetting for your daughter.... Yet you still do it.

So what if they try to guilt you? They can only make you feel guilty if you allow them to. Tell them 1 weekend every month to travel all the way there and back is too much, and that they are more than welcome to visit your daughter in her own house instead. Tell them you will still go visit with her occasionally.

If you refuse them access they can apply to the court for leave to apply for access. That means that they cannot apply directly for access, they first have to get permission from a judge to apply for it. And THEN they apply for it.

It's time that you stood up for yourself and your daughter.. and suited yourself too. It's very nice and noble to put yourself out for people sometimes.. but its nice when the sentiment is returned.

It's going to be difficult standing up to them,initially. But keep your reasons firmly in mind and stick to them. Tell them over the phone so you can "sorry, have to go" when they start to go a bit heavy on the guilt trip! And the more you do it, the easier it will get.. and the less likely you are to get much trouble from them, because they will come to realise that they can't walk all over you anymore.

Your are 22, very young and are going through so much. If you were 32 you'd be less likely to take their rubbish! You will get there though. You're doing your best for your daughter, and nobody can ask for more than that.

movingsucks

I can see why you would be made to feel guilty because this baby is the last link to their son and whatever kind of person he was to you he was still their child. You are being very kind to those people even though they don't really deserve it by the sounds of it.

If I were you I would say you have various things to do at the weekends but they are more than welcome to visit you in your area, if you don't want to have them in your house suggest a trip to a park or something (weather permitting of course) if they want to see her all weekend they can stay in a B&B. If they start on about the neighbours/ extended family just say "oh maybe when she's a bit older" or around holidays. When (or if) you can drive you can visit them - if you want to - and come and go on your own terms.

In general terms I don't think grandparents should have the "right" to see the kids anymore than Aunts/Uncles/Cousins etc it's up to the parents to decide who is in their childrens lives, blood relatives or not. Its difficult in the situation where one parent is dead and obviously if the grandparents were decent people and the living parent denied the child a relationship with them it would be very sad.
A relative of mine had his "long lost" niece write to him asking questions about why contact with our side of the family was cut when her father died 20 years ago.
Now I know the mum had her reasons but unfortunately she took them to her grave without explaining to her children.