How to respond to someone dying

3ndahalfof6

Hi folks, I hope this is the right place to post this, if it is not MODs please move it,

Once again this weekend the conversation came up on how to act or how we should act when someone is dying,(tough conversation point for me),

it only came up for me 3 years ago when a very close friend of mine was dying and I got to spend his last 5 days on earth with him,(every minute of every day)

there was a couple of issues that arouse which I will save for another time, the one that was bothering me more than any and still is today is, how should we act, I wanted to try to keep things as normal as possible (this would be for someone whose mind is still functioning on every level)

everyone around me was saying we should be quiet and not make to much noise, while I was thinking why should we stop him listening to the things he loved listening to and I wanted the radio playing on his favorite show,

also I thought why not play a recording of some GAA games that he loved listening to, or some TV shows,

I felt very strong about this, I just did not want him to lie there and die in some sort of emptiness, I felt the things that he loved listening to would give him some sort of comfort, rather than being in a strange place on his own,

now I know he was ill but his pain was controlled, so it just left how he was thinking or what he was thinking about, I felt if he was listening to things he loved it might of took his mind to a better place,

the last 3/4 hours of his life on earth we gathered around the bed, there was six of us and we held his hand and spoke of the great fun and the silly things we done in his life time, while letting him know how much we loved him,

I felt it was OK not to have any distractions for his end time as we were all there to help him on his way,

I think my question is, is it OK to play music or recordings on their final days, this is something that has really bothered me as I am not sure I did the best for him and I could of done better,

I do not want to make the same mistake again (if it was a mistake)

Pink diamonds

My mum died of cancer just over a month ago. When we found out it was awful for us family friends everyone who knew my mum just could not comprehend it, one day she was fine the next dying with cancer and only had a couple of weeks at the most. My mum was 55.

We helped my mum as much as we could, spent every minute of everyday, made her feel comfortable, had a laugh, (some of the best laughs we have had) talked about the old days played her songs on the radio, told her how much we loved her, up until the final days she watched her soaps, when she became really ill and there were only hours left we all there with her, holding her hand,hugging her kissing her, just praying the pain would stop ( her last days she is in unimaginable pain), she died in her own home with all her family around her and if it was me I wouldn't have it any other way either.

It's somthing that you never think YOU will go through or have to live through it, and it's not one of them things you can discuss, when it happens you just have to deal with it, you done the right thing OP its exactly what I done.

3ndahalfof6

Pink diamonds wrote: »

My mum died of cancer just over a month ago. When we found out it was awful for us family friends everyone who knew my mum just could not comprehend it, one day she was fine the next dying with cancer and only had a couple of weeks at the most. My mum was 55.

We helped my mum as much as we could, spent every minute of everyday, made her feel comfortable, had a laugh, (some of the best laughs we have had) talked about the old days played her songs on the radio, told her how much we loved her, up until the final days she watched her soaps, when she became really ill and there were only hours left we all there with her, holding her hand,hugging her kissing her, just praying the pain would stop ( her last days she is in unimaginable pain), she died in her own home with all her family around her and if it was me I wouldn't have it any other way either.

It's somthing that you never think YOU will go through or have to live through it, and it's not one of them things you can discuss, when it happens you just have to deal with it, you done the right thing OP its exactly what I done.

Thank you P for your reply, my thing is my friend could only hear and was not able to see, but I still thought he would of felt more at home listening to things he was comfortable with,

I know we can never guess how someone feels in that situation until we are there ourselves, and in that we probably will not be in a position to let our friends know how we feel.

sorry to hear about your mum, you give her a very peaceful and comfortable send off, (it sure is tough)

neemish

Fair play to you, this is such a tough topic - I'd say lots of us have questions but are afraid to ask, or there are things we never even think about until we are in that situation.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer/CA00048 has some really good tips on what to expect, and how to help in different ways. The most important thing is just to be there, however difficult we may find it.

greenbicycle

I think i would want something exactly like you described for your friend, things like music and sports games played for me, lots of chat about stuff i loved.

Unless, i was in pain. When there is pain, noise and fuss just irritate me and it is the last thing id want.

This is how i felt when i was sick but maybe when you are dying the irritation of pain would be forgotten, suppose none of us really know. Usually when someone is dying they are given every level of pain relief possible so hopefully there would be no pain in a situation like that.

3ndahalfof6

This was the thing for me, if the patient was not in pain or in little pain (due to medication),

I felt lying there with no sense of anything, left to your own mind telling you that things are not normal, so it may induce some form of panic,

I just felt trying to keep his end days to be as normal as possible, hence the music and sport games, I am no expert but I thought what the patient was used to hearing and listening to would give them some sort of comfort,

I agree if the patient is in lots of pain the last thing they would probably want is back ground noise, the most important thing is to try to get the pain level down to as low as possible,

the morphine pump is good for this.

username123

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

I think my question is, is it OK to play music or recordings on their final days, this is something that has really bothered me as I am not sure I did the best for him and I could of done better

I think you sound like a lovely thoughtful person who helped a good friend in a difficult time and did exactly the right thing.