Husband kissed another woman

LegacyUser

I found out this morning that my husband kissed another woman last night, like a proper full on kiss. He did not come in until 6am this morning and then when he came in he went to the spare room, when he woke he had guilt written all over him so I went with my gut and checked his phone, sure enough there were texts to a girl asking her for another snog and saying he was outside her house. I felt ill when I read the texts and confronted him, he denied it qat first then admitted what he did after I told him I knew. He says that it was a drunken mistake and swears that he did not sleep with her, I don't know what to think, have told him to stay away for now, anyone have any advice?

blatantrereg

It sounds like he was doing his best to sleep with her though, so not sure how much that might redeem him.
Also he didn't tell you, or admit it quickly even when he was caught.
He broke faith. A relationship or marriage pretty much boils down to faith. So he broke that too.

Ellsbells

Does he often stay out that late? Do you have any reason to think it happened before? Is he friends with her?

Look he was trying to sleep with her and even followed her to her house... I dont think I could come back from that. Drink doesnt count. He is married and was acting like he was single.

ibarelycare

I'd feel sick reading those kinds of texts too You poor thing. I've forgiven a drunken kiss in the past, but that was when my boyfriend confessed practically straight away and I could tell how much it was killing him. Do you think your husband would have told you if you hadn't found the texts? Do you think he would have slept with her if he could have?

No one can really tell you what to do here. Plenty of couples have gone through infidelity and been able to have a happy relationship after. But every situation is completely different. You need to decide whether or not you can still trust your husband after this. Take as much time as you need to think about it. Maybe ask him to stay somewhere else for a few nights so you can be alone with your thoughts. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sittingpretty

When I read your post I thought he was texting her from outside her house looking for another snog after leaving her house. Where was he until 6 a.m.?
I think it's best to sit down with him today and find out exactly what happened.
Only you know what's forgivable to you, horrible situation to be in, so sorry

Hope it was just a kiss and is maybe possible to overcome and forgive.

I don't blame u though, I'd feel sick and RAGING too :mad:

greenprincess

Wow! I would feel sick to. You need to talk to him and get to the bottom of exactly what happened. It will take a lot of mending!
Other then that are there any problems in the relationship?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,I have spoken some more to him and he swears that it was nothing more than kissing. I find it hard to believe that he got her number and texted her but at no level was intending to sleep with her. I am going to sit down with him to talk this evening, I would like to think we can get through this but right now it is difficult to imagine. I would like to know what has lead up to this incident and also we have a lot to sort out. He is a heavy drinker when he is out and is regularly the last person home, he works away from home 3 days per week too so there is I believe a bit of a disconnect going on and he was living a bit of a single life and putting his own needs before ours. I just hope that this was a one off and I can start to believe in him again.

Piliger

Sad and confused wrote: »

Thanks for the replies,I have spoken some more to him and he swears that it was nothing more than kissing. I find it hard to believe that he got her number and texted her but at no level was intending to sleep with her. I am going to sit down with him to talk this evening, I would like to think we can get through this but right now it is difficult to imagine. I would like to know what has lead up to this incident and also we have a lot to sort out. He is a heavy drinker when he is out and is regularly the last person home, he works away from home 3 days per week too so there is I believe a bit of a disconnect going on and he was living a bit of a single life and putting his own needs before ours. I just hope that this was a one off and I can start to believe in him again.

Hi OP. What an upsetting thing. I agree wholeheartedly. And the first thing I must say is that only you can know or judge what is going here. Only you can know what caused this, if it had any real meaning behind it or is just something that happened and is unlikely to happen again.

I hope that it will be the latter and I also hope that you can find a way to establish an understanding and trust between you and move forward. I say that because I have seen too many relationships thrown in the gutter because of momentary mistakes, stupidity and incidents like this that are the result of an unfortunate timing of temptation and other issues in the relationship. This is not an attempt to justify his behaviour, only my view that people are flawed and sometimes do stupid things. Personally I think that a happy long term relationship should withstand this kind of mistake and people should try to see the bigger longer picture if at all possible.

Over the years I have witnessed several very happily married men, friends and acquaintances of mine, go through dodgy periods at home and who have given in to brief and transitory temptation just because temptation arrived at exactly the 'wrong' time - happily married guys who are loyal and committed husbands who then continued to be extremely happily married since then and I know well will continue to be so.

Best of luck.

blatantrereg

Piliger wrote: »

Over the years I have witnessed several very happily married men, friends and acquaintances of mine, go through dodgy periods at home and who have given in to brief and transitory temptation just because temptation arrived at exactly the 'wrong' time - happily married guys who are loyal and committed husbands who then continued to be extremely happily married since then and I know well will continue to be so.

Best of luck.

I dont agree with this sort of permissive attitude in general, but that is just my opinion, so I won't push that point too much. What I do think is worth pressing here is that it would be incorrect to think of this as a mistake, or as temptation arriving at exactly the 'wrong' time: He chased after temptation and followed it back to its house. Then he sought to conceal that from you afterwards. That sounds very deliberate to me, it sounds like he initiated what happened, and it sounds like he was trying his best to take it further than the other woman wanted to go.

Whatever you decide is acceptable or not, that's up to you, but it would be foolish not to put full responsibility for this on your husband. It certainly sounds like he is trying his best to acknowledge his responsibility at all.

username123

Sad and confused wrote: »

He is a heavy drinker when he is out and is regularly the last person home.....

He may need to sort out this so that he can address the issue at hand. Being regularly the last person home is a bad sign.

tan11ie

Go with your gut feeling, I know from experience that it's a bad thing to ignore them!

jessiejam

Only you and you alone can decide if you can come back from this. Only you know what state your relationship is in. Only you know if you can trust this man again.

I know what I would do if it was me in the morning, but we all have different tolerance levels and what we can or cannot put up with.

I will say this. Only let him back into your life, if you know you will survive him doing it to you again.

I hope it was a one off though and he may not. But you will have to be strong enough to get rid of him if it happens again.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, as I am not under my usual username I cannot thank individually on each reply, but know I appreciate all of your input.
We have a lot to sort out, I am only just coming to terms with it now and I feel so sad and just miserable. He is accepting full responsibility, he has stayed away at my request but is keeping in touch with our dd. The thing is though that he has been incredibly selfish and our relationship while fine on the surface has been struggling for a while. He can see how selfish he has been, he is starting counselling this week and is iving up the drink. I just do not know that I can trust him to make such monumental changes long term. I have gone back to a counsellor myself and am trying to sort my own head out, after years of putting him and everyone else ahead of me I need to start thinking about what it is that I want and need, and of course what is best for our daughter. It is so hard though, I have just started a new job and I have been referred to the breast clinic as i have markers for breast Cancer, why did he have to do this to us?!!

Piliger

Sad and confused wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, as I am not under my usual username I cannot thank individually on each reply, but know I appreciate all of your input.
We have a lot to sort out, I am only just coming to terms with it now and I feel so sad and just miserable. He is accepting full responsibility, he has stayed away at my request but is keeping in touch with our dd. The thing is though that he has been incredibly selfish and our relationship while fine on the surface has been struggling for a while. He can see how selfish he has been, he is starting counselling this week and is iving up the drink. I just do not know that I can trust him to make such monumental changes long term. I have gone back to a counsellor myself and am trying to sort my own head out, after years of putting him and everyone else ahead of me I need to start thinking about what it is that I want and need, and of course what is best for our daughter. It is so hard though, I have just started a new job and I have been referred to the breast clinic as i have markers for breast Cancer, why did he have to do this to us?!!

Hi OP - I am really sorry everything is happening at once and things are so tough for you right now. I think you are admirable in that you are willing to make an effort for the sake of the marriage and no one could ask for any more. If it works however, it will strengthen your whole family and also you in your current challenge.
Clearly as you say there are major underlying issues, which is why making dismissive judgements on your predicament is a misguided thing for anyone to do. I really hope these issues can be turned around - it is far from impossible that they can be.
On the wider scheme of things about his behaviour please also remember that nothing happens in isolation. Partners in a marriage both contribute to their behaviours and in my own marriage which failed I have had to accept that although I blame her for her behaviour, I was also part of the marriage and cannot escape some culpability. Sometimes we just have to accept that bad things happen and we have to deal with it.

Thumby

Hi op,
The important thing right now is for you to sort your own head out regarding your husband and figuring out where you want to go from there. No matter what choice you make good luck.
I know its easier said than done but try not to worry about the breast clinic, i had four out of five main markers and it turned out to be just cysts. Fingers crossed it'll be the same for you. What hospital are you attending for the clinic, if it's jamses they are absolutely lovely up there.

HeyThereDeliah

Sad and confused wrote: »

I found out this morning that my husband kissed another woman last night, like a proper full on kiss. He did not come in until 6am this morning and then when he came in he went to the spare room, when he woke he had guilt written all over him so I went with my gut and checked his phone, sure enough there were texts to a girl asking her for another snog and saying he was outside her house. I felt ill when I read the texts and confronted him, he denied it qat first then admitted what he did after I told him I knew. He says that it was a drunken mistake and swears that he did not sleep with her, I don't know what to think, have told him to stay away for now, anyone have any advice?

I would be more concerned about the time he came home and the fact he went to the spare room. I'm not saying he slept with her but his actions might say different.
You know him better than anyone is he capable of lying to you or convincing you he Istelling you the truth.
I'm sure you are devastated right now but take time to think about things and talk with him to see why he kissed her.
if it was just a drunken kiss can you forgive him and overlook ? It could be the best thing for both of ye and an opportunity to talk and get your marriage back on track.