My whirlwind summer romance with Mr. Forbidden

Is fearr liom tae

What I am about to say will disgust some of you and myself as I write it...

This is the first time I have spoken of my summer encounter and I fear if I don't get it out of my system I will explode.. so here goes:

Eight weeks ago I was sent to Cork from Dublin on a two week intensive training course with a handful of other colleagues and we are all in our mid twenties - early thirties. We were put up in a holiday village for the two weeks and it was really a beautiful location and an excellent way to really get to know colleagues that you wouldn't normally talk to or see from different departments etc..

Anyway.. one evening the owner of the house informed us that we would have a visit from the local carpenter to fix a minor issue that arose within our house, no big deal.
The next evening as my colleagues and I sat down to dinner, the carpenter arrived and the other two ladies and myself just gasped at the unbelieveably handsome man who had came to fix the problem.

When we had finished drooling we managed to say 'hello' and lead him to where the problem was in the kitchen.. He got on with his job, we got on with dinner and made polite small talk with him and he left. We were all giddy afterwards like school girls and chatted about him over tea before moving on and forgetting about him..

There was a festival in the town starting the next night and myself and my colleagues decided to go and have a night out for ourselves. We spotted the carpenter and just gave a polite wave and went on to enjoy our night.

At the end of the night and many many glasses of wine later, I was waiting for one of my colleagues to come back from the toilet so we could go home and who strides over to me only the carpenter! I must have went scarlet! My heart was hammering my chest and I could bearly make conversation, never had I felt such an instant attraction, it was like fireworks going off!
I noticed as we were talking he lightly stroked my back and I couldn't help but run my hand up and down his back also.. when my colleague returned and joined us, I had the biggest stupidest grin on my face..They began chatting and before it was time to leave I boldly asked for his number!

The next day I sent a short polite text, just to say 'hi' and waited to see what would happen. He texted back almost straight away and the flirting started. But to my absolute horror and devastation, work came through that he was married with two small children! I was absolutely gutted..

I hesitated texting him any further until I bumped into him again at the local shop.. again the fireworks went off and I was a blundering mess.. After that, the flirty texts back and forth started again, even though I knew what I was doing was disgusting and wrong, I just couldn't hold back or keep away! This man had me and I just couldn't think straight or stop what I was doing..

The first night we met up, I had expected all he wanted was sex, but no. We just cuddled and talked for the whole time, getting to know one another and as I cradled him in my arms, I never felt so happy or comfortable.. He smiled at me the whole time and I could tell he felt the same. I was completely smitten.

We met up on different nights during my stay there and would just talk for hours.. when he did eventually grab me and kiss me (literally) I swear my feet never touched the ground once. The chemistry we had was electric, he confided in me and I in him... it was just like we had known each other for years.. when we did eventually 'make love' as he called it, it was just pure passion.. like nothing I had experienced before and I know he felt the same.

Into my last week there, we met up briefly one night and just held each other and chatted about literally everything... It was like we were in our own little world, just me and him. And never was I so happy. He told me that he enjoyed every minute of my company and at the end of the night gave me a small gift.. 'just a token from me to you' as he called it.

I was estatic but gutted at the same time.. how could I ever say goodbye and forget this lovely man... and what the hell was I doing with a married man in the first place!! My head was wrecked and my heart full of love and guilt at the same time.

My colleagues didn't know what to make of me over the two weeks... I never stopped smiling and literally bounced around the place in happiness.. I didn't mention the reason why as I was sure they would be more than disgusted by my behaviour. The didn't question my happiness, but were just glad I was happy and not letting the stress of our training get to me!

On our last night together, we just held each other and talked about things. He told me that he still kept the very first text I sent him two weeks previously and could even recall the exact time I sent it.. He told me that he would really miss me and in almost a whisper said that he loved me.. I assumed I heard him wrong and didn't answer, just held him tight. Sure how can you fall in love with someone you have just met? and he was married!!!
Even though he made me the happiest I had been in a very long time, I wished that I had never met him in the first place.. my heart and my head were in pieces.

I fought to hold back the tears as we had our last kiss and we departed without actually saying the words 'goodbye'. Maybe it was possible to fall for someone in just two weeks afterall, because at that moment I realised how much I really did like him, maybe even love him.

When I arrived safely back home, I got a text from him basically saying that he hoped I had gotten back home ok, that I was a lovely girl, great fun and to hold onto his number.

Since then we have continued to text each other, almost every day.. just to say 'hi' and have a bit of banter.

I have tried desperately to forget him and have purposely not texted back several times, but then I remember us together and how much I still care for him and I give in and text back..
I miss him terribly and cannot stop thinking about him.. he says he misses me too and thinks of me often.

We both want to see each other again and I have casually mentioned meeting up to him a couple of times, but we have not yet arranged a date for one reason or another and he is just after telling me that he loves me and I cannot help but think that maybe by telling me that, he is trying to buy some time so I wont be putting pressure on him to meet..

I would like to meet as I think by seeing him again, we will finally be able to talk about if there is a possibility we could take this further or just finish it altogether, face to face.

But I can't help thinking that maybe our time together meant nothing to him at all and he is just someone that likes to have his cake and eat it too?

When I think of his lovely wife and kids, I just feel sick by what I'm doing. And yet I cannot shake of my feelings for this man, I have turned into some kind of monster.
I am so mad at myself and don't know what to do.. should I just delete his number and move on or could a future together be possible?

I am totally lost and confused.

Ellsbells

Delete his number and ask him not to contact you again. There is no glory in breaking up a family and being a mistress.

Tell him if he wants you that he is to get his house in order I.e. Separate from his wife and then come back to you. If you start a real relationship with him would you trust him?

vicwatson

Pa Dee wrote: »

Lost and confused ? You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourself ! Happy to be the little bit of fluff that destroys a family

In fairness to the OP the guy in question should also saddle responsibility.

xDramaxQueenx

The married mr grey.

Seriously, if this is true, you probably weren't the first, and you won't be the last. What a slimeball.

Wibbs

Moved(and cleaned up) from tLL to RI. Please be aware that if you followed the link this forum has strict rules on what is and what isn't considered acceptable, so a quick look at the charter might be a plan.

_coinin_

Really though he could have had affairs long before you came along. Seems from what you wrote, he seems a natural to the whole cheating thing.

WhyGoBald

You seem quite addicted to what you think is romance, but is in fact needless drama which you are knowingly becoming enmeshed in. Cut this fellow off and stop looking at life as if it were a Mills & Boon novel.

Mighty_Mouse

^^^^
In terms of advice there's a few things you must find out quickly:
Q. Are you the 1st?
Q. Are you the only 1?
I tend to take a cynical attitude.

Maybe this was the "real deal" but life has just got in the way.

If you stay involved, you know how this plays out regardles.
Either you are in for emotional hell as his marriage breaks-down.
Or alternatively you become "the other woman" for a prolonged period of time.

Don't beat yourself up.It was a rollarcoaster you could not get off.
You let yourself go & enjoyed it.It was great while it lasted but now the realities of life take over.

My advice is stand back from this. Give it some time & space.
This was an unbelievable connection with a randomer you met on holiday.
It happens. Consign this to history and remember it for how it was.

Let him look you up down the road if circumstances permit.
It's the only option.

Piliger

Hi OP. I don't offer the kind of vilification you get elsewhere. This may be something very special, and it's not your fault he's married. That's his responsibility and I have no idea what his home situation is.

From your storyline it looks like it is just a brief, if intense, romance. In that case I suspect it is really a dead end thing, and to keep it going you would have to fit in to his life and make long trips that would become a major drag on your life.

I suggest that you get on with your life and remember it as a fantastically exciting interlude that was never really meant to go anywhere.

beks101

Sounds like Mr Forbidden is well accustomed to seducing and bedding women. He's got his game sorted too, reel them in with the good looks, woo them with the romance and charm and seal the deal with ridiculous OTT declarations of love within a mere few days of meeting them.

He picked the right woman in you too, you sound incredibly naive OP and distinctly lacking in judgement, tact and cop on.

And all of this while you were on a training course with your colleagues? Are you for real OP? Do you actually care about your career at all? This could be the death of your professional reputation.

People are not stupid, I'm sure with all your canoodling and date nights and stupid grinning at least one of your co-workers was onto you, and there's nothing anyone loves more than a bit of office gossip. I'd put money on you being that gossip now.

Wake up OP. Like someone else said, life is not a Mills & Boon novel.

Taltos

Let's look at this logically.

1. You have knowingly slept with a married man and father.
2. He has disrespected the vows to his wife and the bond to his family.
3. Based on the ease with which he behaved this is not likely his first extra-marital affair, otherwise referred to as adulterous activity. Though we cannot be sure of that it would seem likely.
4. His behaviour paints a man who cannot be trusted, let me put it to you this way, do you think he is still having sex with his wife while texting sweet nothings to you?

OP - for your own peace of mind I think you need to block his number, arrange a checkup with your GP (if you did not practice safe sex) and ask yourself why you thought it was OK to have sex with a married father who is still in a relationship with his children's mother?

iguana

Honestly OP reading your post all I could see of this man was a well practised player. And clearly almost everyone else who read it came to the same conclusion. Think about that. The only perspective we have on what happened is yours, yet the way that you describe him has given so many people an impression of him that you don't seem aware of. I think deep down that you know he's playing you but you are so attracted to the 'romance' of the situation that you aren't allowing yourself to acknowledge what you already know.

gerryd2

Get a new number and get rid of his number. Breaking up a family just so you can be happy is very selfish. What about his kids. What if their mother takes the break up bad, gets depressed and turns to alcoholism or doesn't let the father see the kids. I know families who were broken up like this and it ain't pretty.

Piliger

OP - whatever you do please don't let people who don't know you and don't know your situation judge you, and lay a ridiculous guilt trip on you. You have done nothing wrong and it is clear from your posts that you don't plan to do anything wrong. So make your decision and have a happy life.

Best wishes.

Ellsbells

Piliger wrote: »

OP - whatever you do please don't let people who don't know you and don't know your situation judge you, and lay a ridiculous guilt trip on you. You have done nothing wrong and it is clear from your posts that you don't plan to do anything wrong. .

Once again utterly ridiculous.

When you choose over and over to knowingly stand between a man and his wife and family it's wrong. It's shows a capability for total selfishness and self indulgence. Without saying he is worse but it's tripe to say she is doing nothing wrong. She even knows she is...

Piliger

Ellsbells wrote: »

Once again utterly ridiculous.

When you choose over and over to knowingly stand between a man and his wife and family it's wrong. It's shows a capability for total selfishness and self indulgence. Without saying he is worse but it's tripe to say she is doing nothing wrong. She even knows she is...

Well I prefer to give my advice to the OP and I don't share your moralising attitudes.

Ellsbells

Piliger wrote: »

Well I prefer to give my advice to the OP and I don't share your moralising attitudes.

I don't share your free for all, no accountability attitude and given that the op acknowledges it's wrong, your advice to her to ignore all other advice (than yours) is just plain daft.

tan11ie

Ok lets say you both have a special connection.Make arrangements to meet up again, have a chat about how you both feel.If you both decide that you have something special then decide the course of action ie leave the wife. Within this time frame agree on no intimacy at all.

Await the outcome .....my guess is he will never leave his wife and kids, but maybe I'm wrong and I don't want to come across as harsh, but I'd be shocked if he did.


I wish you well Op..maybe it's just a life lesson headed your path.

LegacyUser

I don't agree at all with people who say all the blame lies with the married person cheating and that the person they are cheating with is doing nothing wrong because "they're not the one who made a commitment" , "they're not the ones cheating" blah blah blah.... Absolute tosh! They are both usually equally selfish uncaring people in my eyes. I don't know when this attitude came about where the bit on the side only holds a tiny bit of blame, in fact it is only on Boards that I have ever come across those types of opinions, never in "real life" so to speak. I will concede though that not every story is black and white and sometimes individual stories can be very complicated.

For example in your case you really do sound very worryingly naive. This guy sounds like a professional player. Why do you think he zoned in on you? You turned into something akin to a teenage girl with a crush around him, he could spot instantly that you were flustered, blushing, and really excited like an eager cute puppy. Nothing wrong with that at all except when around a player like him, he probably just saw you as putty in his hands.
He made all the right moves, no sex on first night just cuddles and 'soul searching' conversations? No worries he knew you had plenty more time left on your trip....

"whispering" ever so gently in your ear that he loves you after only knowing you a few days? The Mill's and Boon references others have made are perfectly apt for this guy. I'd put bets on him having read quite a few in his time!

My guess is this guy just loves the feeling of being idolized by naive trusting women like yourself. Maybe he is insecure and feels emasculated by a wife with a better career than himself, maybe he feels under appreciated and not 'adored' enough by his wife at home, and you are just the type he needs to make himself feel like a sexy 'man' again. Or maybe it's none of the above and he is just a dick who likes having regular ego boosts from girls who turn into a bumbling cute mess around him. Why is he keeping in contact? Well you could come in handy for a pick me up when the wife and him are having a normal couple argument about tidying or finances or something equally banal to him. You're a nice break from reality for him.

Say if did leave his wife for you - do you think that this 'wonderful magical connection' you have would last forever? Do you think that a bit down the line that you wouldn't be having similar little tiffs about dirty socks, or more serious ones about finances or emotional or lifestyle disputes? Couples argue it's normal and healthy, most try to work through things they don't go and shag someone else to make themselves feel better.

Hey maybe he will leave his wife for you,(he won't) but would you really want that? Whatever about feeling bad, would you honestly ever be able to trust a man who after just a few days with a girl and one shag, walked out on a wife with whom he had two little children with? Would you not be thinking how could he so easily just up and leave like that so easily? All the years his wife must have invested into their relationship, trusting him enough to have two children with him, and he could just dump it all in the blink of an eye like his wife's feelings and kids home life's were worthless to him.

He would only be with you until someone else caught his fancy. I know I could never trust a man like that, and I would never want to be the woman who added to the cause of a split.

Come on girl wake up! What you are doing is wrong, but I'm not going to chastise because it's none of my business and you already know that it is wrong already. You are completely swept away by this guy purely because you find him extremely physically attractive, and he knows all the right things to say. Take off the rose tinted glasses for a sec, and try to look at the whole situation logically and rationally. Hopefully you will then see it for what it is - not a love story, not magical, not a soul mate, no star crossed lovers here - but a sordid affair by a married man with two children.

You are probably a lovely girl who will really shower affection and love on a nice guy and be a really good girlfriend . This guy doesn't deserve your innocent romantic personality, and you don't deserve to be just a bit on the side and an ego boost for a cheating dick. Delete his number, block him on facebook, cut all contact. You know it's the right thing to do.

Stavro Mueller

Nobody can say for certain whether he's genuinely in love with you or is just a drop-dead gorgeous charmer with all the moves. My gut tells me it's the latter and that you may just be the latest in a long line. Out of curiosity, did he mention that he was married with children at all?

If you choose to keep up contact with him, you've got to be aware that the little world of your own that you created has a Best Before date on it. This isn't a Mills & Boon novel, it's real life. You can't just "disappear" his wife and children. Sooner or later they're going to impinge on your life. As it is, I've no doubt that word of your fling has spread like wildfire through your workplace. People see more than you think they do.

The only way this can ever have a future is if he leaves his wife first. Then, and only then, should you proceed with this. Otherwise, you should consign this to history and block his number.

Jenneke87

There's no honour in helping a cheat. You can do better,do you really want to lower yourself to being a bit on the side instead of being someone's first and foremost? Forget about this"magical"attraction, most likely he has practiced this routine to perfection and laughing his *ss off about another woman falling for it again. Please don't contact him again for the sake of his family and your dignity and self-respect.

Piliger

Is fearr liom tae wrote: »

What I am about to say will disgust some of you and myself as I write it... (

As you can see OP, you are right. There is an element in society who like nothing more than to judge you and damn you and moralise about your actions. But there are lots of people like me, believe me, who don't believe in that kind of hypocritical world view.

There is absolutely no evidence in your post that this man has ever done this before, yet he is damned as a womaniser. You and he may have made a real and special connection - it happens a lot. It is very possible, likely even, that this is a first time for him. We have no idea what his situation is in his home - none whatsoever. But that doesn't stop some damning him as well. It's a popular sport in some quarters.

You haven't come back with any feedback or update and I imagine it has all ended by now. So look back on it as a really special interlude and move on is my advice. If he makes contact with you again I think that the distance is a major obstacle and you should simply say to him that unless he leaves his wife and moves closer to you, then there is no point in continuing.

That is his decision to make, not yours. He has commitments, not you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

username123

Regardless of whether or not any 'blame' lies with the OP, she certainly needs to take responsibility for her actions.

OP. You slept with a married father. IF you did end up taking this further with him and he left his wife and kids for you and the two of you had a fairytale romance with a supposedly happy ending - how would you ever trust him? He has disrespected his wife, his children and his marriage vows. What kind of personal honour has he got? Would you really want to end up with someone who can treat their wife and family like that? Would you like to be that wife at home with him out sticking into whoever will let him?

If you settled for someone like this, youd always be wondering. Everytime he came home, everytime he went straight to the shower when he came in, everytime he was protective about his phone. Itd drive you mad.

Personally I just wouldnt be bothered with someone like that. He may be the most charming wonderful electric handsome man in the world but fundamentally you met him and engaged with him and accepted him on terms that would probably be unacceptable to you in a husband.

WhyGoBald

Piliger wrote: »

As you can see OP, you are right. There is an element in society who like nothing more than to judge you and damn you and moralise about your actions. But there are lots of people like me, believe me, who don't believe in that kind of hypocritical world view.

There is absolutely no evidence in your post that this man has ever done this before, yet he is damned as a womaniser. You and he may have made a real and special connection - it happens a lot. It is very possible, likely even, that this is a first time for him. We have no idea what his situation is in his home - none whatsoever. But that doesn't stop some damning him as well. It's a popular sport in some quarters.

Absolute nonsense, beginning to end. Being a dissenting voice doesn't mean you can hang your argument on everyone else being a hypocrite.

Very few relationships, even those started under the best circumstances, are how the OP describes. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the man in this case is an otherwise decent man making a dreadful mistake. The chances of him behaving as the kind of Lothario the OP describes are infinitesimal. Where is the guilt, where are the scruples? What steps has he taken to end the affair? And so on.

To quote a previous poster:

Hopefully you will then see it for what it is - not a love story, not magical, not a soul mate, no star crossed lovers here - but a sordid affair by a married man with two children.

Magenta

OP, I've been that girl, except he wasn't married, but he left his long term gf for me.

It lasted a month. I couldn't get it out of my head that if he did that to her after x amount of years together, he'd do it to me one day. They are now back together.

As the saying goes "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy" or the ghetto version "You can't turn a ho into a housewife!".
(I am not calling you a ho- it's just part of the phrase).

Piliger

WhyGoBald wrote: »

Absolute nonsense, beginning to end. Being a dissenting voice doesn't mean you can hang your argument on everyone else being a hypocrite.

Excuse me ? Is this some kind of voting jury or something ?

I haven't attacked any other poster. I suggest that you stick with the aim of the forum and stop attacking my views. I have my own, which are widely held whether you like it or not, and they don't include the indiscriminate judging of people based on tiny slivers of information and a book of morals that you chose to adhere to and think everyone else should as well.

Very few relationships, even those started under the best circumstances, are how the OP describes.

Based on what research is this ?

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the man in this case is an otherwise decent man making a dreadful mistake. The chances of him behaving as the kind of Lothario the OP describes are infinitesimal. Where is the guilt, where are the scruples? What steps has he taken to end the affair? And so on.

You know nothing about this man yet you continue to moralise on his behaviour.

I prefer to so what the forum is here to do. I offer advice to people who ask for it and don't try to impose my sense of morals on them. I suggest you do the same.

Taltos

Hi all - can I remind everyone to abide by our charter. Please keep posts constructive to the OP, attack the post not the poster. We are all entitled to our opinions, however soapboxing an opinion is also not welcome.

If anyone has an issue with a post/poster please use the report button, dragging threads off topic in the manner above will and does result in warnings/infractions/bans.

Thanks
Taltos

Is fearr liom tae

Thanks to your all for your helpful advice and for helping me see what was there in front of me all along.. I now have cut off all contact, changed my number, putting this down to a bad naive experience and moving on.. A home wrecker is not the person I am nor ever wanted to be.

Magenta

Is fearr liom tae wrote: »

Thanks to your all for your helpful advice and for helping me see what was there in front of me all along.. I now have cut off all contact, changed my number, putting this down to a bad naive experience and moving on.. A home wrecker is not the person I am nor ever wanted to be.

Good woman. Let him wreck his own home with someone else who isn't smart enough to step away

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it would seen you have come to a conclusion and no longer need advice from this thread, so I will lock it.

If you would like it to be reopened, please contact any of the PI Mods in confidence.

Many Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips