How to deal with her after the breakup?

LegacyUser

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years and I feel awful. Long story short the relationshop started very casually and was not serious for quite a long time. I sort of always felt that I really liked her and we got on great, but this was not the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There were certain fundamentals which I just could not ignore and know they will haunt me for the rest of my life. Mainly she was foreign and there were communciation issues. She blames it on me for never bringing it up at all - but I don't think that would help. I'll never be able to have real conversations with her - proper intelligent ones like I have with others, due to language barriers, upbringing, education etc. I was also still damaged from my ex who broke my heart a year before and I felt like I could never love someone that much again - I cared a lot for this girl but not as much as I felt I should have so I had to end it.

She took it really hard and just wanted to know the reason why - there is the above and several others but I don't think its a good diea to go into detail with them. I just said it was not meant to be, it was not right, and I'm sorry. I'm currently in a barrage of texts saying not nice things - some true some not.

What can I do to ease her pain? I feel like an asshole but it just was not right - and I could not go on like this
Thanks for reading

Big Bag of Chips

Stop contacting her. Don't reply. Bad as you might feel, it will be better for her in the long run.

She's angry now, but she will get over it. You were right to end it. No point staying in a relationship just for the sake of it.

There's nothing you can say right now to make her better... So don't say anything!

Ellsbells

Look you did the right thing. Tell her you wont be going into detail and dont reply after that. If she is nasty now then you had a lucky escape.

Curlyhatescurls

I don't agree with Ellsbells comment about it being a lucky escape if she is being nasty now. Having just come out of a long term relationship, with a boyfriend who broke up with me suddenly and for reasons quite similiar to yours, I was in complete shock. She is hurting, she is completely broken, and from your post OP it sounds like you care for her a lot. But unfortunately, you have to let go. You are not there to care for her, no matter how much you may want to make this easier for her, or to take some of the pain away from her, you can't. Tis is something she has to do herself. It's going to be really really difficult and you have to remember the hell she is going through if she is mean to you etc, she is hurting.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you cut contact. She will be in shock firstly, thinking that the relationship can't be over. When I got dumped I was so shocked, I didn't understand why he'd broken up with me and I kept texting him asking was he sure. His reasons for breaking up didn't seem like enough to me, I kept begging him to talk about the issues with me, and could we try and fix these problems etc. She will be in denial. She will make you feel bad because she is desperate for your love so she might try and guilt you into taking her back. Then she will bargain with you, saying she'll try harder etc. And then she might hate you so much it hurts. You need to make it very clear (but gently, firmly but gently) your reasons for breaking up with her, that you are not going to change your mind. Say you are sorry for the pain you are putting her through, emphasize that there was nothing she could have done to make things work, that she is not lacking in anything, but that you think that, in the long term, you will both be happier without eachother. And then say goodbye.

She will not agree with you right now, but eventually she will. And she will move on quicker if after doing all this explaining you completely cut contact. She will need to learn how to be strong and to go to someone else with her pain. So do not reply to any texts/calls/emails from her.

In regards to you feeling like an asshole- she has to work through her pain, and so do you. You (probably!) won't have to go through what she's going through, the feelings of worthlessness, anger and loneliness. It is not just the dumped who have to deal with pain, it is also the person who did the breaking up who has to. Of course you are going to feel terrible, you loved and cared for her and it must be horrible to hurt someone that you are this close to. But you know (otherwise you wouldn't have broken up with her) that this was for the best. What you did was brave, it was a strong thing to do, and it was not an ass-holey thing to do, in a twisted way, it was a very caring thing to do, you wanted the very best for her and knew that you could not give that to her. Eventually she will see this, and hopefully you can see this now.

Best of luck x

Ellsbells

But last poster you are delusional if you think abusing someone who breaks up with you is acceptable in any circumstance...

Curlyhatescurls

I don't for one instant think that abusing anyone in any circumstance is acceptable. I am just saying that i disagree with your comment about it being a lucky escape, I feel that that is harsh and not very understanding.

The OP said that he was 'currently in a barrage of texts saying not nice things - some true some not.' Firstly, your terming of this 'abuse', I find to be overly harsh. Secondly, the OP did not say who was saying 'not nice things', it could have been him, or his girlfriend, or both of them. In many arguments, and break-ups people say 'not nice' things which they regret, but as the OP's ex-girlfriend is incredibly upset and emotional, I think it makes sense for the OP to be gentle on her, to be understanding.

SineadMarie

Ellsbells wrote: »

But last poster you are delusional if you think abusing someone who breaks up with you is acceptable in any circumstance...

You obivously never went through the denial part of a break up. I have, certainly this girl is and the last poster has. It is unfair to tell the op he had a lucky escape, this girl is very much hurting and trying to make sense of it! Op as hard as it is and you seem like you very much still care for this girl, i would just start ignoring the texts and call slowly she'll accept its over. By you still replying its only prelonging the agony for her, as even a little text from you will been seen in her eyes as hope that you can get back together.

Ellsbells

SineadMarie wrote: »

You obivously never went through the denial part of a break up. I have, certainly this girl is and the last poster has. It is unfair to tell the op he had a lucky escape, this girl is very much hurting and trying to make sense of it!

That's a cop out. Abuse is abuse

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I broke up with someone 6 months ago who was a non-national. I also felt like an asshole. The reason I broke up is we disagreed on one fundamental issue in life. As soon as I found out her views, in my heart it ended.

Up until last week, I was still getting emails & texts, some of them suggesting we might get back together. At that point, I told her the real reason I ended it. We had not been dating long, but my heart was not in it any more.

After finding out we would never get back together, I got a barrage of emails also. I was told I wasn't nice & I made her feel sick. I think I should have been honest up front. The item we disagreed on was probably down to a difference in culture between our countries.

All I can say to you is you can try to be as nice as you can & explain things, but you either need to tell the truth 100% or else just break contact. I felt like I had hurt someone too, but now I see it was completely the right decision 100%.

S.

SineadMarie

Ellsbells wrote: »

That's a cop out. Abuse is abuse

Then the op needs to stop replying to her. I stand by the fact that this girl is very much hurting the pain of a breakup can be overwhelming. Im not excusing the abuse. I've been recently treated very badly by my ex and am still coping with the pain of what he did and how he treated me some days are harder than others, i've never gotten to the stage where i was abusive, but i understand some people in different circumstances can handle it badly.

Ellsbells

He definitely needs to stop replying to her.

ilovesleep

seanie38 wrote: »

Hi there,

I broke up with someone 6 months ago who was a non-national. I also felt like an asshole. The reason I broke up is we disagreed on one fundamental issue in life. As soon as I found out her views, in my heart it ended.

Up until last week, I was still getting emails & texts, some of them suggesting we might get back together. At that point, I told her the real reason I ended it. We had not been dating long, but my heart was not in it any more.

After finding out we would never get back together, I got a barrage of emails also. I was told I wasn't nice & I made her feel sick. I think I should have been honest up front. The item we disagreed on was probably down to a difference in culture between our countries.

All I can say to you is you can try to be as nice as you can & explain things, but you either need to tell the truth 100% or else just break contact. I felt like I had hurt someone too, but now I see it was completely the right decision 100%.

S.

I just wanted to pick up on this and what you wrote about honesty.

Honesty up front, right from the start when you feel a change is always the best policy. Sugarcoat it, or give an excuse or lie or not give out the real reason is a recipe for disaster because to the other person nothing makes sense and it's a headwreck and things just don't sit right.

Memnoch

Are you really sure that she didn't see it more seriously than you did? You were together for 1.5 years for MANY cultures that is more than enough to be getting married or certainly having an expectation that that is where things are heading.

So you always knew she wasn't 'the one,' yet you kept seeing her for 1.5 years and presumably having sex with her, I'm guessing you found her very attractive. From her reaction it seems to me like she didn't realise you saw this as a 'casual, fun thing.'

I think it's fair to say that the lack of communication between you was probably more than you realised. In that context her reaction is completely understandable to me.

You say you feel like an asshole, maybe there is a part of you that knew deep down there was an imbalance in the way the two of you saw the relationship. Maybe you used her without knowing it or maybe you deceived yourself, it's a very easy thing for men to do. It sounds like SHE certainly feels like she was used.

Regardless, I think the advice you've received is spot on and the best thing you can do for her right now is to sever all contact permanently. It's obvious you've hurt her and maybe it's not all your fault or maybe it is, there isn't really anything you can do to make it better in this situation, I don't think, you just have to leave her alone and let her heal with time.

I'm guessing she'll be much more clear now with guys she dates in the future about just how serious or not they are about her after 1.5 years together.

LegacyUser

Hi I presume you broke up with her face to face? And dicussed it with her?

If it was by text or phonecall that you broke up with her that could be the hurtful thing.

LegacyUser

I agree 100% and you are completely right. I thought by not telling the truth & trying to save her feelings, I was doing the right thing. I wasn't.

When the truth eventually came out, it was like hurting her all over again.

I should have been truthful up front. I wanted to share this just to help the OP come to a decision.

ilovesleep wrote: »

I just wanted to pick up on this and what you wrote about honesty.

Honesty up front, right from the start when you feel a change is always the best policy. Sugarcoat it, or give an excuse or lie or not give out the real reason is a recipe for disaster because to the other person nothing makes sense and it's a headwreck and things just don't sit right.