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Worried Guy

  • 30-08-2012 6:02pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey,

    Going unreg here for obvious reasons. I broke up with my girlfriend maybe 3 months ago or there about. We are both in our 30's and we both decided to end it for various reasons. Roughtly 3 or 4 weeks later I started chatting to a girl,we hit it off and slept together. Now I am usually a very slow mover and this sort of behaviour is totally out of character for me. I think it was a mixture of heartache from the previous relationship and the need for some sort physical contact.

    I did something once again that I cant believe. I had unprotected sex with this person. Idiotic on so many levels and something that I cant believe I did. I'm fully aware of the risks of my actions and the obviously stupidity on our behalf for doing something so wreckless.

    Anyways I havent met the girl in question since. She was totally lovely, intelligent and great company but I wasn't looking for anything more as I was just out of a fairly heavy serious relationship and needed time to think. She did text me, I texted back but never really inititated any of the contact so things obviously fizzled away. I genuinely feel bad for that as I dont like using people in any way but I guess it could have felt like that for her.

    Anyways flash forward to present day, I saw her online on a social networking site and just wanted to say hello. She ignored my message and also ignored my two follow up messages via mobile phone text. They were fairly light hearted hello's but I didnt get anything back. I feel bad for that but I can see how she would be rather angry but I must say that I did tell her at the time that I wasn't looking for anything serious and did make it known that was was just no strings attached fun.

    At the moment myself and the ex are working things through and I think are begining to get into a good,healthy place which could possibly result in us getting back together again. I have a concern though what if my some chance that the girl I slept with is pregnant and thats why she has been rather mute with me? She did say afterwards that if she did get pregnant that she would never tell me. It was just a jokey conversation but it stuck with me....

    I obviously wont go into graphic detail, We did do it twice without protection but I pulled out both times. Though we did do it the 2nd time pretty much straight after the first so I guess there could have been a chance of semen "left" after initial intercourse. I know also that she has had issues with fertility and couldn't conceive with her ex husband despite receiving various treatments. She was told it was possible but in her case difficult. Also she said that that due to time of the month and even if somehow I had some sort of super sperm that it would be very unlikely ( I think she mentioned she had her period like 7 days earlier though I could be mistaken about that as I'm going by memory which in my case is suspect) She seemed fairly well clued it due to her appointments with doctors,treatments etc Also should mention she is 38-39 so with all these factors I guess it would be unlikely that she would be pregnant but when she didnt reply last night I got a bit of a hop. Then again my behaviour and lack of contact with her may have given her the impression that I was just after the one thing so to be honest I wouldnt blame her.

    Any advice,opinions would be very much appreciated. Sorry about the long post but I wanted to give you guys as much detail as possible.

    Thanks for your time!


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    I wont say anything about the unprotected sex you know already how stupid it was so learn from it and move on.

    I do think it was a bit ****ty the way you treated this woman but I can also see it from your side. I can only speak for myself and how I would feel if I was this lady and if it is out of character for her as it is for you then I can imagine she would feel quite cheap and ashamed of herself, having sex with someone is a big deal and having unprotected sex is an even bigger deal.

    As for the pregnancy issue, you can make every excuse about how hard it may be for her to become pregnant but the reality is yes she very well could have gotten pregnant, this could be why she is avoiding you or it could be like I said she feels a bit cheap from what happened and maybe thinks that the only reason you are now in touch is to arrange another meet up, but only she know this.

    If she is avoiding your light messages and calls and it really is playing on your mind then maybe write a mail telling her why you where a bit off after your last meet up and what has been playing on your mind lately, however be very careful how you word it and think carefully about what you would like to say

    you really need to ask yourself, what happens if she is pregnant, do you want to be involved if so how can that happen, how are you fixed financially, how will your ex deal with it if you do work things out and do you really realise how much this will change your life, so if your mailing her you need to be aware of what your responsibilities are from the get go and how sensitive a situation this really is should she be pregnant.

    one way or another I think you know in your heart that you need to have this grown up conversation with her and its better to do it now rather than sorting things out with the ex and then landing that on her lap, honesty is always the hardest policy but if you lie it will all come out in the end

    just to add if she isnt answering your calls turn off your caller id and see if you can get in touch


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Its a bit of a jump to think that she's pregnant because she's ignoring you. Its far more likely she thinks your a bit of a d!ck whose looking for another one night stand. Judging by what you've said, her age, fertility problems, time of the month Id say its unlikely she's pregnant but you need to go and get yourself tested for STI's before you even think of touching your ex again.


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    I would say you are being ignored because you dropped her like a stone after sleeping with her, then spring back into contact out of nowhere, in her mind possibly because you want another booty call. If she felt used she is hardly going to jump at the chance to be used again.

    The only way to find out if she is pregnant is to ask her, but bear in mind how insensitive that conversation could come across. And also the fact that 'she would never tell you'. Which leaves you taking what she says at face value anyway. Its all you can do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    Based on what you tell us, it is imaginable that she is pregnant, but highly improbable. She knows how to contact you. I'd give no weight to her saying that she would never tell you. Unless she is a very strange person, if she became pregnant by you she would be letting you know and asking you to accept responsibility for your role in the matter.

    It's also imaginable that you have picked up an STD. Such a concern is easy to address: get tested.

    The most probable thing is that she considers that getting involved with you was a mistake (which it obviously was) and she doesn't want to go there again.

    I wonder if what you really want is to tidy things up so that you can get back with your ex. Life is often a bit messier than that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I'd reiterate the above. Get tested for STDs before having sex with your (ex) girlfriend and putting her at risk.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey guys OP here again, just want to say thanks very much for the replies! I appreciate each and every one of them. Really solid and mature advice.

    I will get tested before I have any sort of contact with anyone else. I wouldnt dream of doing anything with anyone until that is sorted. I wonder in this regard could I get it done at the GP or would I be best go to a clinic that deals in these situations? I'm not sure if it would be practical to have the test done in the doctors without advanced warning etc

    I gave her a text explanining that I needed to discuss something with her that's been on my mind and would it be ok if I called her. Again no reply. I think having the conversation could come across as a bit insensitive. I think I will either let it go or write her a mail so at least that way I can take my time over it and not hurt her feelings by asking the question. I do think it's more likely that she's annoyed with me because I made her feel cheap or perhaps she's seeing a guy and hence dosent want contact from me which is totally fine. To be honest all I'm looking for is closure on this matter but I'm not going to send her countless messages.

    I'm just going to get tested, wait on a week or so and if I dont hear back from her then I will either just let it go or write her an e-mail which will include an apology and inregard to her being pregnant ( which to be honest I do feel pretty unlikely)

    Thanks again for the advice!


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,513 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Its a bit of a jump to think that she's pregnant because she's ignoring you. Its far more likely she thinks your a bit of a d!ck whose looking for another one night stand. Judging by what you've said, her age, fertility problems, time of the month Id say its unlikely she's pregnant but you need to go and get yourself tested for STI's before you even think of touching your ex again.
    Oryx wrote: »
    I would say you are being ignored because you dropped her like a stone after sleeping with her, then spring back into contact out of nowhere, in her mind possibly because you want another booty call. If she felt used she is hardly going to jump at the chance to be used again.

    The only way to find out if she is pregnant is to ask her, but bear in mind how insensitive that conversation could come across. And also the fact that 'she would never tell you'. Which leaves you taking what she says at face value anyway. Its all you can do.
    More or less exactly what I was going to say here. You are also assuming that you are the only one moving on with your life...maybe she has met someone new, maybe she has got back with her ex, maybe she is just not interested in sex with you again which is all you seem to have wanted from her.

    Get tested to be sure you are not passing anything on to your girlfriend and leave this other woman alone I'd say. And (genuinely) good luck with getting back with your ex :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I wouldn't ask her if she is pregnant. If this girl is really REALLY angry with you, you run the risk of her realising she has got you in a vulnerable anxious state, and she could possibly lie and say that she got an abortion/miscarried just to hurt you and get you back for making her feel cheap.
    Now I know it would take an absolute sick twisted person to do something like this, but you do hear of these stories occasionally about women who have been scorned in some way, and even on forums like this about people who had girlfriends or exes lie about being pregnant before coming clean. I am female myself btw, so definitely not trying to bash us women, they would be very rare cases I'd say, but they do happen.
    If she's pregnant she'll tell you or you'll hear about it one way or the other. Don't go asking her and leaving yourself open to being possibly lied to.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    OP stop trying to contact her. You've tried 4 times now and haven't had a response. It's creepy to keep trying. Just leave her alone.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    Oh Jesus will you leave her alone or she will call the guards.

    Sure even if you ask her and if she is pregnant she probably won't tell you anyway. Just move on and concentrate on your ex if that's what you want but definitely do not contact her again. That would freak me out big time!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    She should have gone for the morning after pill if she didn't want to risk pregnancy. Did you discuss this? I agree you need to get a STI test before anything happens with you ex. You also need to stop contacting this woman.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19 el10


    I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you in terms of your behaviour towards this girl...personally if I slept with a guy on a first date, I don't think you can't expect too much...there was no obligation on your part to have further contact. You were honest with her and she made a choice to sleep with you.
    If she was looking for more or a relationship, I don't think sleeping with someone on a first date is necessarily the way she should have went about it..sounds like she has moved on with her own life
    Good luck


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    Hey,

    Going unreg here for obvious reasons. I broke up with my girlfriend maybe 3 months ago or there about. We are both in our 30's and we both decided to end it for various reasons. Roughtly 3 or 4 weeks later I started chatting to a girl,we hit it off and slept together. Now I am usually a very slow mover and this sort of behaviour is totally out of character for me. I think it was a mixture of heartache from the previous relationship and the need for some sort physical contact.

    I did something once again that I cant believe. I had unprotected sex with this person. Idiotic on so many levels and something that I cant believe I did. I'm fully aware of the risks of my actions and the obviously stupidity on our behalf for doing something so wreckless.

    Anyways I havent met the girl in question since. She was totally lovely, intelligent and great company but I wasn't looking for anything more as I was just out of a fairly heavy serious relationship and needed time to think. She did text me, I texted back but never really inititated any of the contact so things obviously fizzled away. I genuinely feel bad for that as I dont like using people in any way but I guess it could have felt like that for her.

    Anyways flash forward to present day, I saw her online on a social networking site and just wanted to say hello. She ignored my message and also ignored my two follow up messages via mobile phone text. They were fairly light hearted hello's but I didnt get anything back. I feel bad for that but I can see how she would be rather angry but I must say that I did tell her at the time that I wasn't looking for anything serious and did make it known that was was just no strings attached fun.

    At the moment myself and the ex are working things through and I think are begining to get into a good,healthy place which could possibly result in us getting back together again. I have a concern though what if my some chance that the girl I slept with is pregnant and thats why she has been rather mute with me? She did say afterwards that if she did get pregnant that she would never tell me. It was just a jokey conversation but it stuck with me....

    I obviously wont go into graphic detail, We did do it twice without protection but I pulled out both times. Though we did do it the 2nd time pretty much straight after the first so I guess there could have been a chance of semen "left" after initial intercourse. I know also that she has had issues with fertility and couldn't conceive with her ex husband despite receiving various treatments. She was told it was possible but in her case difficult. Also she said that that due to time of the month and even if somehow I had some sort of super sperm that it would be very unlikely ( I think she mentioned she had her period like 7 days earlier though I could be mistaken about that as I'm going by memory which in my case is suspect) She seemed fairly well clued it due to her appointments with doctors,treatments etc Also should mention she is 38-39 so with all these factors I guess it would be unlikely that she would be pregnant but when she didnt reply last night I got a bit of a hop. Then again my behaviour and lack of contact with her may have given her the impression that I was just after the one thing so to be honest I wouldnt blame her.

    Any advice,opinions would be very much appreciated. Sorry about the long post but I wanted to give you guys as much detail as possible.

    Thanks for your time!

    OP you just had a one night stand. That's it. Stop reading into things.


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