How long can it take to get over someone?

LegacyUser

Hi all. So it's been a year and 2 months or so since a girlfriend of 2 years dumped me. I had become a paranoid mess with her as she had been very stand offish, would never commit to me, had almost no interest in sex, made zero effort when we did have sex, and also snogged a friend of a friend behind my back one night. This isn't a kid either she's 36 now!
Anyway, I shouldn't have put up with all that for so long, but I was completely infatuated with the girl, couldn't believe she was with me (she wasn't really ever in the end), and a constant bag of nerves and almost skin and bone by the time we broke up due to all the stress it caused me.
I don't blame her on everything, I should have known better long before it went as far as it did.
The problem is, I'm not the same person I was in the past. I feel like damaged goods. Totally messed up on the inside, absolutely zero confidence with women. I've had opportunities, but not with women I've fancied, haven't met any of them since I was dumped. I'm 32 now. I haven't even had a snog since I was dumped and it makes me feel awful when I read about all these people who have just broken up and are afraid their new fling or relationship is a rebound. I feel like women can tell immediately I'm screwed in the head and damaged goods.
I honestly think a fling or something like that would get this monkey off my back, but it's probably not the right way to go about it.
I'm a good looking bloke, and in good shape. I have plenty of interests and I go out at least twice a week. I holiday often etc and have a good job.
I can't see what else I'm supposed to do to get on with my life but I still think about this girl a lot and there's probably a little bit of resentment in me.
I'm at a loss here, what do I do? How can I become attractive to women again? I can talk for Ireland too but have no idea about flirting and that kind of thing. I never had to do it in the past, girls would always make it blindingly obvious if they wanted to hook up with me or not.
So can it be that I'm not over the last girl yet? Has anyone had similar problems? Thanks.

AnnyHallsal

Hey Albert, it seems to me your issues might run a little deeper than this relationship. There's no real time limit for getting over someone but fourteen months seems like a hell of a lot to me. Are you still in contact? If not I would think you should be well on the path to forgetfulness by now. Maybe you're right, maybe girls can sense what sounds like baggage and find it off-putting. I think you need to be fully content in yourself, and reconciled to your past, before you can woo the singletons properly.

TEMPLAR KNIGHT

Im 11 months after a break up and still no way over it and Dosent look like I will be any time soon either. just thought I'd let you know your not alone there's plenty of us

Gooner111

Hey OP everyone is different in this regard. For instance I was delighted when an 8 year relationship ended as things were really bad between us so had time to prepare for what was coming. Then a recent relationship ended and it hurt. Took me 2 months to get over it and was only a 6 month relation relationship. I am now going to do what is commonly advised here - concentrate on myself for a while. So I now intent on being single for a good while. Have a few things I want to save for and want to build up a social circle so looking for a woman is off the cards for now!

In your own case I'd suggest that you don't worry about hooking up/rebounding/finding a relationship etc. Look at sorting yourself out first - maybe you have a few things you'd like to save up for. Maybe join a gym, if you afford to/have the time to. It would let you work on your appearance which you appear a bit concerned about. Do you have a good group of friends? If so start going out more and just having some fun with them. If not join a few groups and try make some friends. Concentrate on yourself for the time being. Then when your feeling happier and life is good hopefully someone will find you... if not there is always dating sites

LegacyUser

Gooner111 wrote: »

Hey OP everyone is different in this regard. For instance I was delighted when an 8 year relationship ended as things were really bad between us so had time to prepare for what was coming. Then a recent relationship ended and it hurt. Took me 2 months to get over it and was only a 6 month relation relationship. I am now going to do what is commonly advised here - concentrate on myself for a while. So I now intent on being single for a good while. Have a few things I want to save for and want to build up a social circle so looking for a woman is off the cards for now!

In your own case I'd suggest that you don't worry about hooking up/rebounding/finding a relationship etc. Look at sorting yourself out first - maybe you have a few things you'd like to save up for. Maybe join a gym, if you afford to/have the time to. It would let you work on your appearance which you appear a bit concerned about. Do you have a good group of friends? If so start going out more and just having some fun with them. If not join a few groups and try make some friends. Concentrate on yourself for the time being. Then when your feeling happier and life is good hopefully someone will find you... if not there is always dating sites

Thanks for the respons. I am saving, I'm going to visit central America next year which I've always wanted to do. I do go to the gym, it's beside my job so I go every day, sometimes twice a day. I play squash with friends, tennis too. I have lots of friends! I do nothing but concentrate on myself these days! I am happy I guess, I just feel like a bit of a weirdo as everyone else I know who is single seems to get the odd snog or one night stand or date someone for a while every now and again, but I'm a million miles from all that stuff it seems.
I tried dating sites but no one responded to my mails, well 2 or 3 did and I went on dates with them but I wasn't attracted to them. The ones I found attractive from pictures get bombarded with messages I would imagine. It's not for me at all. You find someone who's profile fits you perfectly and looks great and spend ages writing them a message and you never get a response. It's just more rejection that I don't need!
I live in quite a massive impersonal city, so that could be the problem too. People here are generally weary of strangers. In Dublin I found girls used to approach me sometimes, and were a lot more receptive.
I guess I don't even know what I'm asking here, I just wanted a sounding board

Hoochiemama

It took me a year and 3/4 to get over my last break up. There were times when I wanted to bang my head off the wall in frustration. All I wanted to do was be OVER him!!! But bit by bit I did get over him. And one day we met up and all the things that annoyed me about him when we were going out that I used to just let slide as I loved him..... well I couldnt let them slide, they really irritated me and then I finally realised I was over him.

There is no time on this, there is no rhyme or reason. But one day you will feel like you actually dont want her in your life. x