So there's this girl...

LegacyUser

So to try keep it short, there's a girl I've been friends with for a while, always been something more there on both sides but apart from a couple of drunken nights never developed any further.

Last week I stayed over at her parents house with her, we ended up sitting on my bed watching a movie wih her, and I tried to make a move. She moved away, and I got a bit annoyed because she's been strongly flirting with me lately. She told me I had a right to be angry, that she didn't know what she wanted, was afraid of hurting me, getting hurt herself, was moving to university soon and is confused with that too, and didn't wanna risk the friendship. So I told her to relax, that I'm not asking her to commit to anything, just to not push me away when there's clearly a mutual attraction. We talked about it for a while, she moved closer again, I tried to kiss her again and she covered her mouth and looked away. I asked her why she was doin that and she said because it's the right thing to do. I asked her if it's what she wanted to do and she said no. I tried again, we kissed, and she kinda gently pushed me away while still kissing me, then pulled me back again. Said a few times it was a bad idea, but we kept it up for at least an hour.

Next day before I left she was getting cuddly with me on the couch in front of her family, which she's never done before.

That's the back story, I suppose what I'm asking is, what's the right thing to do here?

I don't want to pressure her on anything, I genuinely care for her as a friend and don't want to make her feel forced into anything.
At the same thime I feel like there's a strong attraction on both sides and don't want to end up missing out.

Help, anyone?
Thanks guys!

Niteb4

Wait a minute, she was cuddling with you... after rejecting you... in front of her family. Therefore her family presume you've slept with her now, right??

How do you keep attempt to kiss someone for a hour!!!! is there something I'm missing

Think about it, she clearly needs you, (for cuddling), but won't committ. U've done your bit now, she knows what u want. So you could consider avoiding/rejecting her completely, she will not expect it at all and sooner or later will come crying back for cuddles. Risky move tho

LegacyUser

Niteb4 wrote: »

Wait a minute, she was cuddling with you... after rejecting you... in front of her family. Therefore her family presume you've slept with her now, right??

How do you keep attempt to kiss someone for a hour!!!! is there something I'm missing

Think about it, she clearly needs you, (for cuddling), but won't committ. U've done your bit now, she knows what u want. So you could consider avoiding/rejecting her completely, she will not expect it at all and sooner or later will come crying back for cuddles. Risky move tho

I'm not sure if you picked up my post correctly, but thats probably just down to me putting it badly. I'll try to put it as simply as possible. She moved away from me when I first tried to kis her, then moved back and seemed keen, so I tried again, she turned away but stayed where she was. I asked her why she wouldn't look me in the eyes and she told me it's easier for her to resist if shes not looking at me. So I tried once more, she kissed me, pushed me away a little, then changed her mind and we kissed for a while.

I might not have been clear, The trying to kiss thing lasted 10 minutes, the kissing and other stuff lasted an hour.

P. Breathnach

As she is about to start university, I presume that she is about 18 and I suppose you are about the same age. I'm also guessing that neither of you has much of a relationship history, because both of you seem so uncertain.

Don't rush to "make a move" on her again. You now have something to talk about. In your place, I would suggest time together in circumstances where you can have a good conversation with little fear of interruption, and which is not too loaded with the suggestion that you are now an item - a kind of date that is not a real date. To me, that means "let's go for a walk".

I think she is right about one thing. Going away to university is a big deal, and can be a life-changing experience. Your timing is unfortunate, but you now have to work things out with her.

ultra_other

shoelacebrian wrote: »

So to try keep it short, there's a girl I've been friends with for a while, always been something more there on both sides but apart from a couple of drunken nights never developed any further.

Last week I stayed over at her parents house with her, we ended up sitting on my bed watching a movie wih her, and I tried to make a move. She moved away, and I got a bit annoyed because she's been strongly flirting with me lately. She told me I had a right to be angry, that she didn't know what she wanted, was afraid of hurting me, getting hurt herself, was moving to university soon and is confused with that too, and didn't wanna risk the friendship. So I told her to relax, that I'm not asking her to commit to anything, just to not push me away when there's clearly a mutual attraction. We talked about it for a while, she moved closer again, I tried to kiss her again and she covered her mouth and looked away. I asked her why she was doin that and she said because it's the right thing to do. I asked her if it's what she wanted to do and she said no. I tried again, we kissed, and she kinda gently pushed me away while still kissing me, then pulled me back again. Said a few times it was a bad idea, but we kept it up for at least an hour.

Next day before I left she was getting cuddly with me on the couch in front of her family, which she's never done before.

That's the back story, I suppose what I'm asking is, what's the right thing to do here?

I don't want to pressure her on anything, I genuinely care for her as a friend and don't want to make her feel forced into anything.
At the same thime I feel like there's a strong attraction on both sides and don't want to end up missing out.

Help, anyone?
Thanks guys!

Hi shoelacebrian
This is hard on you. I don't think you are pressuring the girl, persistent maybe as you have a vague idea of what you want but your "would be" girl friend had no idea what she wants. She probably want someting more but dose not know what it is yet. I am afraid its a "leap of faith" moment. You are just going to go and talk to her again as she is the only person who can make that "leap of faith", as you want to take that leap.

"A faint hart never won the hand of a fair maid"

LegacyUser

@P.Breatchnach
Well, she's 20 and I'm a couple of years older, she took a few years out before going to Uni, not that a couple of years makes much difference I'm sure. As for our relationship history, I don't think she's had any long term realtionships, and I've had one (5 years) which ended about a year ago so I've been taking things pretty easy on that front. I'm not uncertain, I'd just rather take things easy than try to force anything.

I've had a bit of a talk with her about it since this all happened. (A quick bit of probably important background first, befire i saw her last week I told her I was going to try to kiss her, which led to her telling me she'd like to but can't stop worrying, and she'd try to stop me).
Anyway, I was talking to her yesterday and asked if she was still going to see me knowing she wasn't able to stop me, she said she'd worry about it when it happens.

I absolutely agree with you on the university point, and thats the main reason I don't want to pressure her.

@Ultra other

It's good to hear someone say that, I feel like I've been persistant without going to far but thought it might seem different from an outside point of view.

Niteb4

shoelacebrian wrote: »

@P.Breatchnach
Well, she's 20 and I'm a couple of years older, she took a few years out before going to Uni, not that a couple of years makes much difference I'm sure. As for our relationship history, I don't think she's had any long term realtionships, and I've had one (5 years) which ended about a year ago so I've been taking things pretty easy on that front. I'm not uncertain, I'd just rather take things easy than try to force anything.

I've had a bit of a talk with her about it since this all happened. (A quick bit of probably important background first, befire i saw her last week I told her I was going to try to kiss her, which led to her telling me she'd like to but can't stop worrying, and she'd try to stop me).
Anyway, I was talking to her yesterday and asked if she was still going to see me knowing she wasn't able to stop me, she said she'd worry about it when it happens.

I absolutely agree with you on the university point, and thats the main reason I don't want to pressure her.

@Ultra other

It's good to hear someone say that, I feel like I've been persistant without going to far but thought it might seem different from an outside point of view.

Oh, right. I thought you were rejected, so therefore because she was hesitant I got the impression she wouldn't have gone the whole way with you. Lucky you!

Niteb4

So you're okay with the idea of your parents half knowing that you were in your room 'at it'? Did you lock the door? Were your parents in bed and what time was it?

Novella

If I were you, I wouldn't keep trying and I probably wouldn't broach the subject with her again. You've made your intentions clear, she knows how you feel. The way I see it is, if she was really into you, she wouldn't be rejecting you at all so there is obviously something stopping her. If you don't mention it again, she will either forget about it which to me suggests she's okay with leaving things how they are or she will bring it up herself.

PlainP

Niteb4 wrote: »

So you're okay with the idea of your parents half knowing that you were in your room 'at it'? Did you lock the door? Were your parents in bed and what time was it?

I don't see what this has to do with anything, they are both adults...

Joshua J

Ah yes the age old practice, cock-teasing. The truth of the matter, from my admittedly limited experience is that if a girl likes you, you'll know. If you're unsure then she probably doesn't.

Ickle Magoo

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Piliger

shoelacebrian wrote: »

@P.Breatchnach
Well, she's 20 and I'm a couple of years older, she took a few years out before going to Uni, not that a couple of years makes much difference I'm sure. As for our relationship history, I don't think she's had any long term realtionships, and I've had one (5 years) which ended about a year ago so I've been taking things pretty easy on that front. I'm not uncertain, I'd just rather take things easy than try to force anything.

I've had a bit of a talk with her about it since this all happened. (A quick bit of probably important background first, befire i saw her last week I told her I was going to try to kiss her, which led to her telling me she'd like to but can't stop worrying, and she'd try to stop me).
Anyway, I was talking to her yesterday and asked if she was still going to see me knowing she wasn't able to stop me, she said she'd worry about it when it happens.

I absolutely agree with you on the university point, and thats the main reason I don't want to pressure her.

@Ultra other

It's good to hear someone say that, I feel like I've been persistant without going to far but thought it might seem different from an outside point of view.

Hi OP. I think you have been very normal about how you have handled a difficult situation and don't think you should look to yourself for any fault.

I believe what you have here is a girl who is either one of two things ... a) hugely conflicted in her mind about physical contact ... or b) a majorly manipulative tease.

On the face of it, based on your posts alone, I myself feel that she is the former. How many boyfriends has she had before you ? I suspect that she has had some bad experience before (as MANY girls have had by the way - we guys never really grasp that) and she may also be excessively stressed out about kisses leading to sex and pregnancy and all that stuff.

If that is the case - you have to realise that you cannot fix her. As guys we always think we can fix things but this is a case where we can't. In my view all you can do is relax and back off and allow things to happen more organically. Give her space to allow her feelings to happen without her stress of where it might go. Maybe talk to her about it when you are cuddling. Tell her that no matter what happens there will no sex that evening. And keep your word. She may need to develop a much higher level of trust before she feels ready to allow herself to become intimate. Don't fall into the trap of comparing her with other girls. Everyone is different and has different experiences of life.

What concerns me here also is how you feel about her. To be honest OP sometimes, as I said above, we guys are obsessed in our instincts with fixing things. This girl could easily become a 'project', a 'challenge' for you. Know what I'm saying ?

But what you have here, I think, is a very delicate girl who could be scarred for a long time if she is betrayed. So you really need to think about how much you want her. Do you really want her and care about her romantically .... ? ...... or ... do you 'like' her and want to solve the mystery ... have sex with her and then what ..... I am NOT saying you are or you aren't. I'm not judging you. I am simply looking at the situation and it's implications and risks.

LegacyUser

If I were you, I wouldn't keep trying and I probably wouldn't broach the subject with her again. You've made your intentions clear, she knows how you feel. The way I see it is, if she was really into you, she wouldn't be rejecting you at all so there is obviously something stopping her. If you don't mention it again, she will either forget about it which to me suggests she's okay with leaving things how they are or she will bring it up herself.

I understand this point of view, but she's told me she wants a couple of weeks to get her head in order and wants to meet up and talk then.

Ah yes the age old practice, cock-teasing. The truth of the matter, from my admittedly limited experience is that if a girl likes you, you'll know. If you're unsure then she probably doesn't.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this, but she doesn't act like this around other guys.

Hi OP. I think you have been very normal about how you have handled a difficult situation and don't think you should look to yourself for any fault.

I believe what you have here is a girl who is either one of two things ... a) hugely conflicted in her mind about physical contact ... or b) a majorly manipulative tease.

On the face of it, based on your posts alone, I myself feel that she is the former. How many boyfriends has she had before you ? I suspect that she has had some bad experience before (as MANY girls have had by the way - we guys never really grasp that) and she may also be excessively stressed out about kisses leading to sex and pregnancy and all that stuff.

If that is the case - you have to realise that you cannot fix her. As guys we always think we can fix things but this is a case where we can't. In my view all you can do is relax and back off and allow things to happen more organically. Give her space to allow her feelings to happen without her stress of where it might go. Maybe talk to her about it when you are cuddling. Tell her that no matter what happens there will no sex that evening. And keep your word. She may need to develop a much higher level of trust before she feels ready to allow herself to become intimate. Don't fall into the trap of comparing her with other girls. Everyone is different and has different experiences of life.

What concerns me here also is how you feel about her. To be honest OP sometimes, as I said above, we guys are obsessed in our instincts with fixing things. This girl could easily become a 'project', a 'challenge' for you. Know what I'm saying ?

But what you have here, I think, is a very delicate girl who could be scarred for a long time if she is betrayed. So you really need to think about how much you want her. Do you really want her and care about her romantically .... ? ...... or ... do you 'like' her and want to solve the mystery ... have sex with her and then what ..... I am NOT saying you are or you aren't. I'm not judging you. I am simply looking at the situation and it's implications and risks.

First of all, thanks for taking the time to write this! I believe she's closer to A as well, as she doesn't act like this around other guys, and in general she treats people very well, and almost always puts others first. She's told me she had one serious boyfriend, and implied he messed her around a bit but didn't specifically tell me how.

I realise I can't fix her. I don't even think she needs 'fixing', exactly. I've tried to make her feel like she's under no pressure. I've told her I have no expectations, I just want to meet up with her and enjoy our time together. The thing is, the one time (and this was almost a year ago) we talked about this stuff while cuddlng, she told me what we had was really nice and she wanted to see where it could go. My answer was a bit detached because a) It caught me off guard and b) I was still getting over a past relationship.

It's funny you mention the thing about this all becoming a challenge. She recently asked me if I'm sure I'm not just doing all this because I like a challenge. Not sure if that's significant or not.

I know she's a delicate girl. And I do genuinely care about her. I enjoy any time I spend with her, quite a few times we've sat there half the night, just talking. Or cuddling. Or both. I have no intentions of just having sex then escaping, she's important to me. As a friend or otherwise.

Piliger

shoelacebrian wrote: »

I understand this point of view, but she's told me she wants a couple of weeks to get her head in order and wants to meet up and talk then.

That sounds like a good thing. Of course it may not produce the result you want ... but at least it may clarify your position and her feelings.

of all, thanks for taking the time to write this! I believe she's closer to A as well, as she doesn't act like this around other guys, and in general she treats people very well, and almost always puts others first. She's told me she had one serious boyfriend, and implied he messed her around a bit but didn't specifically tell me how.

I think you are right about her. In my life I have heard the old cock teaser insult hundreds of times and it's almost never actually true, just a bruised ego lashing out.

It's funny you mention the thing about this all becoming a challenge. She recently asked me if I'm sure I'm not just doing all this because I like a challenge. Not sure if that's significant or not.

It may be. It may be that she felt she was the victim of this before.

I know she's a delicate girl. And I do genuinely care about her. I enjoy any time I spend with her, quite a few times we've sat there half the night, just talking. Or cuddling. Or both. I have no intentions of just having sex then escaping, she's important to me. As a friend or otherwise.

Excellent to hear and I really hope it works out for you. If she comes back with good news don't forget to try out that thing about telling her at the start of a cuddle .. that it's not going to go past a certain point and stick with it. it will build confidence. And when she's ready she will find that she has to actually say to you she wants to go further. At that stage ... and you may chose not to listen to this last advice ... say no - you gave her your word, and wait for the next time. It'll be worth it and both of you will thrive on that kind of integrity.

LegacyUser

Piliger wrote: »

That sounds like a good thing. Of course it may not produce the result you want ... but at least it may clarify your position and her feelings.


I think you are right about her. In my life I have heard the old cock teaser insult hundreds of times and it's almost never actually true, just a bruised ego lashing out.

It may be. It may be that she felt she was the victim of this before.


Excellent to hear and I really hope it works out for you. If she comes back with good news don't forget to try out that thing about telling her at the start of a cuddle .. that it's not going to go past a certain point and stick with it. it will build confidence. And when she's ready she will find that she has to actually say to you she wants to go further. At that stage ... and you may chose not to listen to this last advice ... say no - you gave her your word, and wait for the next time. It'll be worth it and both of you will thrive on that kind of integrity.

I have a reasonably good feeling about it. She's always seemed upset when I don't take a chance to cuddle/kiss her. And when I do she sits there with a big smile on her face. Even if shes telling me I shouldn't do it.

She also told me to try forget all the times she was an idiot in the past and just talk in a few weeks once she's settled into her new place (which, as she pointed out, is closer to me).

That being said, I'm not gettin my hopes up too high!
Thanks again for your advice.