Have this feeling that people don't like me and it affects my confidence

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, just looking for advice or views on what I think is happening to me at the moment. I'm 23 female and I can't shake the feeling that maybe 80% of people just don't like me.
I have a few reasons to think this. If people have reasons not to like me I'd prefer to know so I could change what is wrong or making them not like me.
I have come to notice over the past few years that if a situation arises where people need to pick others to do things with, or pick whose car to go in I'd always be the last picked. This might sound stupid and very childish but I can think of many examples where this has happened. The most recent being I was driving recently and two of my friends knew where we were going but I had never been there before. So I said if one of them could sit in the front that would be great as there were two other friends who didn't know the way. Just before we got into the car I could see the two of them making gestures pushing each other into the front which gave me the impression neither of them wanted to. Another example of this is when i was on holidays with the same group of friends. Even if I was first onto a bus 99% of the time I was left sitting on my own and everyone else got into seats together.

I have been on two pretty long holidays over the past few years with two different groups. The first group I was friendly with one of the girls moreso and knew the other girls more socially. On this holiday my friend roared at me for being too chatty, too defensive, too moany, too happy etc etc. I didn't know what I had done wrong. I had what I thought was a joking debate with another girl and my friend told me I was in the wrong. It wasn't as if her friend backed down either but I was the bad one. I didn't even think there was a right and a wrong really as her friend was messing about something she thought I did, I said I didn't and it was all very light-hearted or so I thought. Later on in the holiday this friend attacked me one night because I happened to mention I had nothing to wear and I ended up very upset over all of this and couldnt wait to go home.
On the latest holiday, two girls seemed to take an instant dislike to me. If I would say something completely normal, the two of them would jump down my throat. One such instance was a service we got cost 9.80, I gave $10 and one of them gave out to me saying that I was being unfair on them all and now they would have to pay $10 and we aren't all so lucky to have a job in the area I'm in. Out of everyone on the holiday I was the only girl who these two girls were confrontational with. Their tone of voice when speaking to me was almost accusatory as if I had done something wrong.
The above are just a couple of reasons why I think a lot of people don't like me as a person. If someone asked me to describe the type of person I am honestly I would genuinely use a lot of positive terms without being cocky. I am shy in groups but once I get to know people the shyness goes gradually. I don't make negative remarks and I am genuinely nice to any new people I meet. I would say that in some ways I can be over-sensitive. When people are mean nasty it upsets me. I am the kind of girl who would get teary eyed at a film or a sad ad on television so I'm probably sensitive in general. I would do anything to help a friend or someone in trouble. I can be trusted and I think I am generally a nice person to be around.

Maybe the reason why I am finding this hard to deal with is because I can't see why people wouldnt like me to the extent which I feel they do. I feel that I didn't deserve the treatment I got on holidays, and I feel I don't deserve to be the one who is always left out. I think I may need counselling or therapy for this, if anything to make my mind at ease with it, except I'm not sure if it would do any good. Maybe I'm over-reacting but things have always been like this and I'd like to either change them and if not accept them some time soon. Any ideas or advice would be great from others in similar situations or anyone who has some thoughts on this.

Carra23

Maybe your drop dead gorgeous and your mates are all pigs so a wee bit jealous !

No but seriously, this part of what you said sticks out more than most 'If people have reasons not to like me I'd prefer to know so I could change what is wrong or making them not like me.'

Don't change for anyone, love who you are and if your not happy with how you percieve your friends actions towards you then try counselling. It's a great way to get things like that off your chest but also to get anothers views on what your thinking.

LegacyUser

Same thing is happening me op,Im starting to notice my friends are starting to dislike me aswel,i would crack a joke our something and my mates would look at each other and berate me for making such a stupid joke ,i would notice they would try to put me down whenever they can,i thought it was me at first op but i soon realized it wasnt,even when i was in a pub or somewhere one of my mates would look at me with disdain or something it didnt make me feel comfortable anyway and i would feel tension rite away,i realized op it wasnt me its this irish thing called begrudgery,my mates are jealous of me,i have a good job,im fierce indepentant i get on with everybody i work with,i realized i didnt need them to have a good time,my mates are unemployed ,stuck in a rut,who drink themselves stupid every weekend,but what hurt me the most was there bitching about me to the rest of my friends,i soon realized that the only way of sorting this out,was to cut them out my life there like a cancer ,so op you dont need conselling or therpy,cut them out of your life your better than them there only poison,im starting a fresh now its tough trying to make new friends but i wasnt going to lower myself to my so called mates level,there constantly ringing me now because they miss me and need me to have a good time,i dont even return there calls now,take care op and stay strong

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I agree, sorry to hear it's happening to you as well. Fair play for getting the strength to deal with it all. The only thing I am afraid of is if i say it to these girls about they way they treat me, they would swear I am being paranoid. Like last weekend I said I hadn't much interest in going to a certain club but I would if everyone else was. One of them turned on me and said in a kind of an accusatory tone of voice "do ya not, do ya not?" and turned around and walked off fairly promptly. I had my reasons for not wanting to go there the same way as they had theirs for wanting to go except I didn't speak to them in a derogatory way.
Another thing I forgot to mention which really bugged me was my living situation for the past two years. I moved in with two girls who were already friends and all was fine for the first couple of months, getting to know each other etc. I did my share of cleaning in the house even though they were what I consider to be obsessed with cleanliness, big clean outs of all presses every couple of weeks etc, mopping and hoovering everyday. After a while of living with these girls it became clear to me that they did not like me either. If I would make conversation it was a yes/no kind of answer with no attempt to make any conversation back. They ended up finding a place together and texted me to tell me they were moving in together. Another instance where I don't know what I did to them. I lived with them for two years and I ended up spending the last couple of months in my room every evening because I felt like I wasn't wanted in the sitting room as they would chat away to each other but when I would make conversation it came back to yes and no answers. Just thought I'd mention that as well. It just seems like most people I meet don't like me for whatever reason and I can't really think why because I think I'm a nice person who treats others with respect all the time.

LegacyUser

Can kinda relate to your post op, years ago I had ' friends' who would pick and choose if they wanted me in their company, often times they'd arrange things like nights out behind my back or 'forget' to invite me to things. Would leave me sitting on my own on bus journeys etc while they chatted away together, would never involve me in their conversations. Honestly I think they just saw me as a substitute they could use to fill in for things when others couldn't make it, so I just cut contact with them, best thing I ever did! Made new friends who would never treat my like that and am so much happier.

Another possibility - Are you particularly shy op? I ask because just with the flatmate thing, it's something I've also experienced. I find some more outgoing people tend to see shyness as some kind of disease and almost revert back to that old school yard mentality in that they don't want to engage because shy people are uncool or whatever. Although in saying that sometimes shyness comes off as arrogance and people can feel it's you who feel you are above them, so it's a double edged sword I guess..

Regardless op your friends' behaviour is borderline bullying imho, maybe theyre just jealous, maybe they see you as an easy target to vent their insecurities/frustrations on, who knows, but personally I wouldn't bother to confront them I'd just cut them out they really sound like horrible insecure argumentative people, why would you want them as friends?

Stavro Mueller

Without knowing you personally, I can't give you any specific answers. Here are some loose pointers which you can take or leave, depending on how much they apply to you.

It might just be that you've been desperately unfortunate in the sorts of people you encountered. These friends of yours might not really be your friends but people who tolerate you and allow you to tag along. The same with the housemates. Perhaps they never really wanted a third housemate and you never stood a chance. Not everyone we will meet in life is someone who will like us. The trick is to spot this and not try to be their friend.

On the other hand, I wonder are you trying too hard to please people? I've encountered people who try too hard to be cheerful/friendly and it does get annoying after a bit. Do you come across as too full-on I wonder?

Another thing that gets on people's nerves is someone who talks too much. There's a line between being a good chat and subjecting people to a never-ending commentary on everything from how they're feeling to the state of the economy.

How do you behave with these people? Do you butt in on their conversations, cut them off and change the subject around to you or something you want to talk about?

Do you have any family or friends who you could trust to give you an honest answer? I can't imagine it is ever nice to have someone tell you that you've got an annoying laugh, that you keep saying "like" at the end of every sentence etc.

cantdecide

cymbaline wrote: »

..It might just be that you've been desperately unfortunate in the sorts of people you encountered..

These people are not your friends. You have to be very careful about who you let into your life, OP. These people are wrong to treat you this way. You should extricate yourself from their world and focus on bringing people around you who actually make you happy and vice versa.

cymbaline wrote: »

...On the other hand, I wonder are you trying too hard to please people? ... I've encountered people who try too hard to be cheerful/friendly ... Do you come across as too full-on I wonder? Another thing that gets on people's nerves is someone who talks too much. ... Do you butt in on their conversations, cut them off and change the subject around to you or something you want to talk about? ... Do you have any family or friends who you could trust to give you an honest answer?

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, everything does point to jealousy but the above is something you should examine for yourself. Maybe you're too yielding and they're taking this as a sign of weakness. There is definitely such thing as being too bubbly. Be careful with debate. Maybe you like a good discussion but you may find that people can take this as stubbornness or being argumentative.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies posted and they have given me food for thought. Another thing I forgot to mention was that a friend of mine who was also friends with the girls who were almost aggressive with me over not wanting to go to a nightclub, distanced herself bigtime from them a few years ago. Hand on heart she thought they were lovely girls but she couldnt stand the way they would make comments like that to her and how everything she did was judged and she just wanted out. She asked me how that night went with the other two girls and when I told her what the girl said to me in the toilet when I said I didn't want to go to a certain nightclub, she just said thats the exact reason why I couldn't be friends with them anymore.
I also asked this friend is there anything that stands out about me that people may not like, as per your advice cymbaline. She just said she couldnt think of anything, she said I am on of her best friends, she can trust me, I don't judge her for what she does and she said she thinks I am one of the nicest, most genuine people she knows. I was actually shocked to hear that as I thought she was going to tell me I was annoying or confrontational.
For the forseeable future I don't know what I'm going to do about the "friendship" with these two girls. There would be a group of maybe 8 of us and I'm just afraid that if I cut out these girls the other 5 or 6 will just turn on me and then I will be left with very few friends. I have even noticed myself not texting them so much after that night out, it's like some light went off inside me and I know I can't put up with this treatment being spoken to like I have constantly done something wrong. Even that night when we came home they were still asking me almost accusingly why don't I like the place and I needed to cop on and start liking it because everyone else does.
I'm glad I spoke to my friend and asked her opinion as I think it's a case of me being unfortunate to have befriended people who haven't been the nicest and I'm starting to believe if they don't like me I can't do much about it as I know I am a nice person and I have some other friends who seem delighted to be friends with me and don't speak to me in such a condescending manner.

Roisy7

needyouradvice wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies posted and they have given me food for thought. Another thing I forgot to mention was that a friend of mine who was also friends with the girls who were almost aggressive with me over not wanting to go to a nightclub, distanced herself bigtime from them a few years ago. Hand on heart she thought they were lovely girls but she couldnt stand the way they would make comments like that to her and how everything she did was judged and she just wanted out. She asked me how that night went with the other two girls and when I told her what the girl said to me in the toilet when I said I didn't want to go to a certain nightclub, she just said thats the exact reason why I couldn't be friends with them anymore.
I also asked this friend is there anything that stands out about me that people may not like, as per your advice cymbaline. She just said she couldnt think of anything, she said I am on of her best friends, she can trust me, I don't judge her for what she does and she said she thinks I am one of the nicest, most genuine people she knows. I was actually shocked to hear that as I thought she was going to tell me I was annoying or confrontational.
For the forseeable future I don't know what I'm going to do about the "friendship" with these two girls. There would be a group of maybe 8 of us and I'm just afraid that if I cut out these girls the other 5 or 6 will just turn on me and then I will be left with very few friends. I have even noticed myself not texting them so much after that night out, it's like some light went off inside me and I know I can't put up with this treatment being spoken to like I have constantly done something wrong. Even that night when we came home they were still asking me almost accusingly why don't I like the place and I needed to cop on and start liking it because everyone else does.
I'm glad I spoke to my friend and asked her opinion as I think it's a case of me being unfortunate to have befriended people who haven't been the nicest and I'm starting to believe if they don't like me I can't do much about it as I know I am a nice person and I have some other friends who seem delighted to be friends with me and don't speak to me in such a condescending manner.

Just bolded somethings there that stood out for me.

These girls are not lovely. They're judgemental and narrow-minded. So what if you don't like a particular nightclub? A friend of mine hates nightclubs and even pubs. Do we think it's a pain in the arse? You betcha we do sometimes. Do we leave her out? No, we try our damnednest to include her, even if that means sacrificing our own nights out sometimes.

Perhaps you dislike the club because of the company. Perhaps you too are sick of constantly being judged.

It's clear the issue is with them and not you if this has happened to your other friend.

Don't worry about being left out by the other girls in the group. Sometimes that happens but you won't be friendless by any means- you have friends who are not condescending to you. You will have your confidence if you leave this group behind and you will make new friends

If I have learned anything about friendship it is that it is quality not quantity that matters

username123

One of the problems about hanging around with terrible friends is that you dont really leave any openings for nice friends!

Id ditch these losers OP, theyre not friends at all.

Just commenting on your posts in general and it comes across to me as though you try to make people like you or want people to like you and instead of dismissing or distancing from people that you yourself dont really like, you seem to torture yourself by staying in these odd friendships with them where you feel uncomfortable but dont feel you can say anything.

That can come across badly. You are in fact projecting a negative vibe when you do that. People who dont speak up can project awkwardness and a needy sort of people pleasing behaviour that actually aggravates the situation.

I mean just on a quick answer to the situations you have posted, I would have rounded on the two friends who where fighting on who sat in the front seat and told them if it was such an ordeal to travel next to you, then to feck off and make their own arrangements.

Same for the holiday stories, I simply would have gone off and done my own thing if people were actively isolating me or being aggressive to me on a holiday - it happened to me on a girls holiday once, one girl became hugely aggressive and confrontational over nothing, I simply wouldnt want to be in the company of someone like that so I spent the rest of the time doing my own thing.

You need to stand up for yourself and if people are not treating you the way you deserve dont be afraid to cut them off and move on. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you.

shalalala

OP. This could have been written by me.

I am a similar age and have the same problems, in work, at home and with friends.

I advise ditching all the toxic people. They are not really friends and they make you feel bad. Just get rid of them. I have five friends, they are the people that will always be there for me, always make me feel better and I can trust them with anything. It has taken me years to realise that I am worth having people like that around after so many years being bullied by "friends" that put me down to make them feel better.

I went to counselling. It really helped me work through some of the issues they had caused. Maybe it could help you too.

Daisy M

I honestly think they treat you like this because they can, they know who in the group they will get away with treating like this so not everyone will get the same treatment.

My sister has a group of friends and there were 2 of them who were so nice 70% of the time, would do anything for anyone and the rest of the time they were horrible witches. As time went on they were selective as to whom in the group would get the sly comments this was because one or two of them let them know it wasnt appreciated. They more or less homed in on the nicest, prettiest easy going girl in the group and she ended up getting all the comments and digs and without a shadow of a doubt deserved none of it, not that anyone ever does. My sis and this girl and most of the group pulled away from them leaving them to take their fustrations out on each other, which 10 years later they still so!!

You have taken a big step to admit to yourself and your friend what has been happening now take a bigger one and stop calling them friends, only call people who deserve the term friends.

pragmatic1

OP I doubt it's you. You sound like a nice girl. Take the previous posters advice and ditch them. Throughout life you'll make friends and lose them. People fall in and out of your life all the time. Most people have been through your situation a few time. Don't stress it.

LegacyUser

Sometimes people hang out with people they call friends for social convenience. I wonder are you doing this because you're afraid of having nobody to go out with? I was like this too when I was a teenager. I didn't spot the signs that my so-called friends were only putting up with me out of politeness.

I'm in my thirties now and much happier in my own skin. When I was a teenager I'd have put up with the behaviour you did because I'd have been afraid to upset the apple cart and lose "friends". Now I'd probably tell them to feck off and not bother with them again. I'm much happier having a handful of good friends who actually like me and would never treat me like that. I will never again act like an over-eager puppy, trying to be friends with people who aren't interested.

Don't stay friends with these people because you don't want to have less friends. Why not make an effort to broaden your social circle and meet other people. Bring along your friend too.