I'm cheating and I hate it please advice

LegacyUser

Not sure where to start, but bear with me. I am on a 4 year relationship with a non-irish girl living in Ireland, long distance for the past 3.5 years as I am in scotland and I am cheating on her with a canadian girl that I only know from the internet and long phone calls (more than 5h on a daily basis.)

I met her just weeks before our trip to canada and I had plans to sneak out on my girlfriend to meet with the canadian girl. It didnt happen, so I ended up faking the death of a family member to justify why I couldn't meet with the Canadian girl. She doesnt know I am on a relationship either, which makes me feel I am cheating in both directions.

The canadian girl, who like me was very interested in us being together, was quite annoyed at us not having met when I was over so she went on her own way and what was starting to be a potential new relationship was extinguished there.

Fast forward a few months, I ended up reenacting things, over the internet, with the canadian girl. However, she has been putting a lot of pressure for us to meet. She had this plan for a trip to australia which she had been fantasizing for over 4 years, but she wanted to stop by edinburgh to spend 2-3 weeks with me before taking off to Australia.

I had to tell her not to do it (I was afraid I could be caught by my girlfriend or by her, as I wouldnt be able to avoid my girlfriend's calls or remove all the evidence of my GF present in my apartment) and if there is one person I don't want to hurt is my girlfriend (though I really don't want to hurt either of them.)

However, I am sort of at the stage where I wanted either to finish with the canadian girl,or part ways with both of them.

Somehow I think that, now that the canadian girl is going to be less available for phone/internet chat while she's busy discovering herself and australia, is the best time to decide what to do with my life and how to best solve this problem, which I underestimate the effects of. I could think of the following situations:

* Break with my girlfriend and the canadian girl
* Break with the canadian girl, remain with my girl.
* Break with my girlfriend and in 3 or so months, start life with the canadian girl and carry this awful lot of baggage and evidence of 1 year where I had 2 girlfriends at the sametime which I'll have to hide/remove/erase from memory and any other evidence.

I want to be able to live with a free mind again. I don't want to make anyone else suffer for my own inconsequences and excessive amounts of testosterone induced thinking. I don't mind if you judge me for what I did, but I'll appreciate if you can focus on thoughts from where solutions can be derived.

Any advice on what to do?

cruais

Man up!

You obviously don't love your girlfriend if you are cheating, so stop stringing her along.

Come clean to both girls. It's a pathetic thing you are doing.

strandroad

Break with both, take a break from relationships to clear your head and find someone you really care about...

Glendambo

OP, have you actually physically met this Canadian girl? Your post isn't very clear.

cheatah wrote: »

if there is one person I don't want to hurt is my girlfriend (though I really don't want to hurt either of them.)

If this is true, you should end it with both of them.

This behaviour is extremely immature and you really don't sound like you are in a place to have a relationship.

ihsb

You have ruined both relationships with your lies.

Finish it with both of them and move on. I cannot help but think that both of these girls deserve so much better then you and your lying.

beks101

cheatah wrote: »

* Break with my girlfriend and the canadian girl

Do this. You are far too immature and irresponsible to be in a relationship.

You don't even feel any remorse and your only concern is being 'able to live with a free mind' again.

Let both of these girls go and ask yourself some serious questions about why your need for this level of attention outweighs your desire to treat your girlfriend with any level of respect.

tony81

A 3.5 year relationship long-term relationship with someone you only dated for 6 months is sort of strange.

A 5 hours daily phonecall to someone you haven't met is not healthy!

It sounds like you'd benefit greatly from some hobbies or interests and let these two girls go about their miserable existence without you.

Cut the phone line and move out into the real world.

AnonoBoy

Just stop.

Break up with the girlfriend.

Stop wasting 5 hrs a day on the phone to the other one.

5 hours a day? How the hell do you get anything done?

Anyway - neither relationship sounds healthy or in fact even that pleasurable.

Maybe time to take time being single for a while.

Piliger

Hi OP.

No I am not going to judge you. That's for you to do.

This is the kind of thing that happens when there is an LDR and a guy is young and full of energy and testosterone. LDRs are unnatural in my view, most especially for young people.

So you have got yourself into a right royal mess, young man. And the only way you can extricate yourself from this screw up ... is to make your mind up And isn't it about time ? I mean how old are you now ? I think you're old enough to realise that this thing of riding two horses is not really as great an idea as it seems at the start ? It provides a bit of excitement and adrenaline ok ... but the price to be paid accumulates quickly with time. And is it really that satisfying ? I suggest to you that it isn't really. And can you really say that you would drop everything to gamble on a girl in Canada that you have never even met ? I think you have been living in a fantasy world brought on by loneliness abroad and too much time on the web. Truly !

You need to make you mind up now OP, and show yourself you have matured into a man. Who the heck do you want to spend the next five or ten years with ? Do you care much about your GF ? Do you figure you'll replace her pretty easily anyway ?

These are the things you need to think about. If that's the case above then really it's all a logistics exercise and best of luck to you in that .... drop her and fly off to an unknown girl in Canada and the likelihood of sober reality setting in after three or four days ... being stranded and left with having to start all over again ?

If on the other hand you really care about your GF and want to be with her long term ... then there is only ONE decision to make, bite the damn bullet and end it with this Canadian girl. End it and start to really give your girl friend the kind of focus she deserves and the kind of loyalty and commitment she deserves. That's what a man does OP.

Time to get off the pot !

jellygems

tony81 wrote: »

A 3.5 year relationship long-term relationship with someone you only dated for 6 months is sort of strange.

A 5 hours daily phonecall to someone you haven't met is not healthy!

It sounds like you'd benefit greatly from some hobbies or interests and let these two girls go about their miserable existence without you.

Cut the phone line and move out into the real world.

miserable???

red_poppy

Your poor girlfriend. She deserves better.

Obviously the emotional connection you have with her isn't enough for you that you have to go and do something like this behind her back. It's not even like the lack of physical connection between you and your girlfriend has been the catalyst for this as you haven't even been conducting a physical relationship with the other girl.

You either love your girlfriend and she's the only one you have eyes for or not. Let her go as you are not respecting her and it's not fair to her.

You are also lying to the other girl which isn't the basis for a good relationship. None of this is healthy, respectful to either girls, and ultimately you're fooling yourself.

LegacyUser

Break up with both of them. You don't sound like relationship material at all.
Poor girls deserve better.

LegacyUser

So far reading the replies made me feel like I was up for a stoning, except for the reply below, which merits my full attention.

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP.

No I am not going to judge you. That's for you to do.

This is the kind of thing that happens when there is an LDR and a guy is young and full of energy and testosterone. LDRs are unnatural in my view, most especially for young people.

So you have got yourself into a right royal mess, young man. And the only way you can extricate yourself from this screw up ... is to make your mind up And isn't it about time ? I mean how old are you now ? I think you're old enough to realise that this thing of riding two horses is not really as great an idea as it seems at the start ? It provides a bit of excitement and adrenaline ok ... but the price to be paid accumulates quickly with time. And is it really that satisfying ? I suggest to you that it isn't really. And can you really say that you would drop everything to gamble on a girl in Canada that you have never even met ? I think you have been living in a fantasy world brought on by loneliness abroad and too much time on the web. Truly !

You need to make you mind up now OP, and show yourself you have matured into a man. Who the heck do you want to spend the next five or ten years with ? Do you care much about your GF ? Do you figure you'll replace her pretty easily anyway ?

These are the things you need to think about. If that's the case above then really it's all a logistics exercise and best of luck to you in that .... drop her and fly off to an unknown girl in Canada and the likelihood of sober reality setting in after three or four days ... being stranded and left with having to start all over again ?

If on the other hand you really care about your GF and want to be with her long term ... then there is only ONE decision to make, bite the damn bullet and end it with this Canadian girl. End it and start to really give your girl friend the kind of focus she deserves and the kind of loyalty and commitment she deserves. That's what a man does OP.

Time to get off the pot !

You are absolutely right, and thanks for taking the time to write this up. I do think I agree with you that I have been living in a world of fantasy with the canadian girl, which is unfortunately a side effect of me spending most of my time on the internet.

Regarding my GF, I am not in love with her for a long time. However, she does love me, and a lot. I've never felt so loved by anyone else. I have been trying to break-up with her for quite sometime (though never came to terms or told I wanted to) but it's not easy for I fear she's gonna get into a breakdown if I do break up with her. Regardless, she will not know the exact reason why I am breaking up.

Both of these girls deserve better than me. No doubts about it, but, I do need some sort of guidance on how I can get out of this rut and learn to live more responsibly in the future.

Part of me thinks I am never gonna be a normal person again and will keep on doing this types of things to future women. It seems as if I've tattooed my brain to this behaviour.

Mickey Dazzler

I wouldn't break up with either of them until you figure out which one is better.

I would see both of them for a few months at least and then decide which one you will pick.

You gotta do a test drive before you buy the car.

Good Luck.

blacklilly

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

I wouldn't break up with either of them until you figure out which one is better.

I would see both of them for a few months at least and then decide which one you will pick.

You gotta do a test drive before you buy the car.

Good Luck.

Troll much?

Mickey Dazzler

blacklilly wrote: »

Troll much?

I am not trolling. I would definitely date both girls until I figured out which one was better.

Hate the game not the player.

Stavro Mueller

The one thing that occurs to me through all of this is that you're living in a world of fantasy and lies.

cheatah wrote: »

Regarding my GF, I am not in love with her for a long time. However, she does love me, and a lot. I've never felt so loved by anyone else. I have been trying to break-up with her for quite sometime (though never came to terms or told I wanted to) but it's not easy for I fear she's gonna get into a breakdown if I do break up with her. Regardless, she will not know the exact reason why I am breaking up.

This to me is the first part of what you should do. End this. Staying with your girlfriend because she thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread and might have a breakdown if you end things is not a valid reason to keep this going. Would I be right in saying you're floating along on a cloud in fantasyland, hoping that this situation will magically resolve itself? That is unlikely to happen and you're going to have to grasp the nettle sooner or later with this one. It's not going to be any easier to end things with your girlfriend in 6 months time. Or 2 years time. Or whenever.

As for Canadian girl...maybe she's the love of your life. Maybe she isn't. Either way, she's your ideal girl because you've never met her. It's very easy to build up an idealised picture of someone you only know from the internet and Skype/Phone calls.

In different ways, neither of your relationships are particularly real and that's something you might want to reflect upon.

red_poppy

cheatah wrote: »

Regarding my GF, I am not in love with her for a long time. However, she does love me, and a lot. I've never felt so loved by anyone else. I have been trying to break-up with her for quite sometime (though never came to terms or told I wanted to) but it's not easy for I fear she's gonna get into a breakdown if I do break up with her.

So you're being selfish quite frankly. God help that poor girl that's all I can say. You figure that keeping this secret from her all along, deceiving her behind her back whilst her love for you and attachment could be getting stronger by the day making it harder for her to come to terms with it when you do break the news.

So it's clear you don't want to be with your girlfriend. Whatever you do at least be a man about it now and show her some respect and care when you do break up with her. Why exactly have you stayed with her this long??? Because you like the feeling of being loved. Have you even thought how keeping this from her when she thinks you still love her will do to her in the long term??? You have damaged her trust.

There will be no easy way to break up wit her. She will be hurt but you can't keep this going. She deserves to be given the freedom now to find someone how will truly care and love her if you really feel that is what you can't give her.

I don't think you are in a good place to be getting involved with any women at the moment as neither relationship is healthy, nor your mindset to be doing what you are doing.

Faster Doudle

My advice to you, is to stop acting like a selfish child and treat both women with a modicum of respect. If you don't love your girlfriend, you should be honest with her and tell her so. It won't be easy, but you are treating her like dirt at the moment and I'm sure it would be better for her in the long term if you broke it off. As for the Canadian, I think you should be honest with her too. If you're not interested in meeting up with her and pursuing a relationship in real life, you should let her know.

Please be proactive and do something about the situation, it's not fair on either of them.

Abi

You've made a fool of the two of them, end it with both. You're not ready to be in a relationship. Long distance relationship or not, if you love someone you would never do anything to hurt them.

nowyouresix

you don't seem to be in a real relationship with either person really....
cut conact with both, and get out of your dreamworld and in to reality...
Sorry if it's harsh, but .....