Help please need advice

LegacyUser

HI guys I have posted here before about my partner , we have two young children , a month ago he said he was leaving , I begged him to stay . Now he wants to go again . All my strength is gone . I don't care about being alone anymore that's why I asked him to stay the last time . It's been a week , he's still here , won't speak to me but when I asked he says he's looking at places at the moment . I know this sounds ridiculous but I'm wondering does he want to stay but is too stubborn to say , so I'm starting to think maybe I should say something or on the other hand if he wants to go let him go ?


What's you're opinions please ?

ABajaninCork

Yeah, I'd say something all right. I'd tell him to leave!

All this is just messing you around. It can't be great for your kids to see you upset and tension in the house either.

Piliger

OP ... it's time to accept the reality and let things unfold. Stop trying to second guess and start preparing for your new life. It will be hard at first .... but it will get better and who knows what awaits you. Truly.

Best of luck.

tony81

guestconfused wrote: »

I'm wondering does he want to stay but is too stubborn to say

This line concerns me the most.

You can only judge people by their actions, not by their words or lack or words.

You should ask him to attend couples counselling with you. If he refuses, maybe it is best that he leaves.

jessiejam

Tell him if he is going to go to go now. Tell him book into a b and b or something. What he is doing to you is like emotional blackmail.

He told you he was leaving (again) a week ago and is still in the house? He is having a laugh. Don't give him that control. Take control yourself pack his things and take your key back.

You are wandering around in a fog with him still living there. Its not fair.

LegacyUser

thanks guys i appreciate your advice . I did just that today I asked him when is he leaving he said another week or so , that would mean 2 weeks in total of ignoring me and telling me he's leaving but yet staying here and ignoring me . I knew I couldn't do that cos my poor kids are feeling it . So, I explained to him its not fair on me , as he doesn't want to be with me but yet wants to stay . he got really angry and left . he came back a while later and got all of his stuff , so he's gone and good riddance . i am fine about this as it needed to happen .


Now I feel I am alone, my family were never very close , I have isolated myself over the years from my friends and feel it's too late to go back now . So , I need to make a whole new set of friends and a whole new life for myself . I'm 31 so I guess not that old , is it possible to meet new friends at my age ? I don't mean to meet boyfriends just girls to hang out with and stuff as friends ! where do I start , can anyone help please ?

jessiejam

Good for you for taking a stand, and putting an end to all this messing about. Things will get better, take every day as it comes and take your time.

As for the friends thing, its never too late. I lost touch with 2 very good friends for years. And only 4 years ago got back in touch and now we see each other regularly. Lives change and people go seperate ways but true friends will understand that.

I really wish you all the best for the future with your girls. Stay strong. Hopefully one day you will find love again if thats what you want.

Piliger

guestconfused wrote: »

thanks guys i appreciate your advice . I did just that today I asked him when is he leaving he said another week or so , that would mean 2 weeks in total of ignoring me and telling me he's leaving but yet staying here and ignoring me . I knew I couldn't do that cos my poor kids are feeling it . So, I explained to him its not fair on me , as he doesn't want to be with me but yet wants to stay . he got really angry and left . he came back a while later and got all of his stuff , so he's gone and good riddance . i am fine about this as it needed to happen .

Well I am so glad that this has happened OP. For lots of reasons. One being that while you are together in the house you are poisoning each other's relationship and the children's. With him elsewhere you may find that you can communicate in a more rational way.

Please stay really close to your kids and explain to them in simple terms. Please please don't criticise their Dad, even though you ma have good cause. Not that you are planning to. But for their good.

Now I feel I am alone, my family were never very close , I have isolated myself over the years from my friends and feel it's too late to go back now .

I am going to disagree with you here OP. I can relate to this and have been through exactly this by the way. I would ask you to please reach out to your family and to those friends you let go. You will feel a bit bad, a bit guilty. But you need them. And I will bet that they will respond. one or two may not, but I think on the whole they will. Don't feel ashamed. This is what happens when we have kids. They will understand a lot better than you can imagine. Just be open and honest and get it out there up front.....

So , I need to make a whole new set of friends and a whole new life for myself . I'm 31 so I guess not that old , is it possible to meet new friends at my age ? I don't mean to meet boyfriends just girls to hang out with and stuff as friends ! where do I start , can anyone help please ?

I have to smile ....31 !!! you are a child my dear ... I'm starting again at 50+ ....

Just get your own self sorted in the next few days and weeks and do what I suggest above in reaching out. Soon you will know when it's time to move on ... hobbies, dancing class, back to the old girl friends, new things.

LegacyUser

Hi guys I'm looking for some of your good advice again please . just as I was preparing myself for a whole new life , he starts texting me saying he wants me back :O. he arrived today and asked me what I want . he says he wants me back but I think he thinks it will be that easy for him . he turned me and my kids world upside down last week and now I am so confused . i do love him he says he loves me , now I know the only way forward is counselling , but when I mention it he seems to be throwing his soother out of the pram .

I told him I want to take a weeks break anyway without seeing him , I had already made plans to head out with friends the weekend so I am still going ahead with that . I just don't know which end is up , any opinions please ?

Big Bag of Chips

If he loves you, and he really does want to be with you, then he won't mind waiting. You are in control here now. It was his decision to leave... It's your decision whether he is allowed back or not, and on what terms.

If he starts throwing a strop then you know that he is not all that concerned about your feelings and more worried about himself.

You have your whole lives ahead of you. What difference does a few weeks/months make. And counselling isn't asking a lot from him.

Piliger

guestconfusedrevernsy wrote: »

Hi guys I'm looking for some of your good advice again please . just as I was preparing myself for a whole new life , he starts texting me saying he wants me back :O. he arrived today and asked me what I want . he says he wants me back but I think he thinks it will be that easy for him . he turned me and my kids world upside down last week and now I am so confused . i do love him he says he loves me , now I know the only way forward is counselling , but when I mention it he seems to be throwing his soother out of the pram .

I told him I want to take a weeks break anyway without seeing him , I had already made plans to head out with friends the weekend so I am still going ahead with that . I just don't know which end is up , any opinions please ?

HI OP. For a start ... you are doing the right thing. Get away and get some air into your lungs and try to relax and let your emotions settle.

This is my advice:

The first truth he HAS to face here is that he has screwed you around in the most cruel way. Whatever the outcome.

Whatever you decide .... and it is only you who can make this decision .. he MUST earn his way back.

My advice would be to say ok ........ I might take you back ... I still love you .... but I cannot operate a revolving door on my heart or my children's lives. You STAY where you are ... (wherever he is living) ... come to counselling and I will make my decision then.

That way you are giving him an way back - but he has to earn it. And you get a chance to assess his real intent during counselling.

And that must be his LAST chance by the way...... honestly ... you cannot be going through this crap again .. never mind your children