My sister

cloud493

I'm not at all sure if this is the right place to put this, but I couldn't think of anywhere else, so.

My sister came home, well to Dublin to live for an extended period of time on tuesday, only for a few months till we get back to the UK. She has been here before.

I get along really well with my sister, she's only 8, she's been at boarding school the past 2 years we've been here, I don't see her as often as I like, but we text, and she's as sweet as anything, probably my favorite family member. My mum has a lot of responsibilities, and she(my sister) likes me taking care of her, so when she's here I do most of it.

Anyway, she came in on Tuesday evening, I went to get her at the airport, my mums friend brought her over, we've known each other for years, she was staying with this friend and her daughter, my mums in hospital, and I'm currently lacking a passport so it was handy. Anyway, I met her, and, she ran to me, and just, clung on. Like, fiercely clung on. And buried her head into my leg. My mums friend said she's been really quiet, I hadn't noticed myself obviously.

So, we went home. And I'd already told her mum wasn't well, and she was in the hospital, and when she was feeling a bit better we'd go see her. And she was quiet the whole evening, she fell asleep on the couch, so I picked her up, and made sure she brushed her teeth, this was about half 10. And she got into bed, I talked to her a bit, said good night, light off.

I went back in to check at half ten, just about, and, she was like. Curled up in a ball , in the bed. Still covered by the duvet, but curled up. And I went over to her, and she was crying. Not, loud crying, but silent crying. Didn't look good at all. So I picked her up, took her back downstairs, cleaned her up a bit, she had some milk. I asked if anything was wrong, she didn't say anything, she was just digging her head into my shoulder again. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just took her back up to bed, checked again at about 1 ish, she was sleeping.

Yesterday, I decided we'd start small, walk round the shopping centre up the road down the road, mcdonalds. She was absolutely wrecked, feel asleep on the bus. And she didn't let go of me the hold day. Either my hand, or holding onto my jeans. And, she hardly said anything, the whole day. And she cried again, the silent crying. So we went home early. I got her an early night, I thought she slept through the night, but she was wrecked again today, just as clingy as she was. Bed time was 8 again tonight.

I don't know what to think here. I have a lot of personal experience of... child abuse, much as I hate that term. So I might just be jumping to conclusions. My friend said I was overreacting, she was probably just missing our mum. But she went to boarding school, she went you know, weeks without seeing her. And she's not normally like this. I don't know, I was just looking for some more opinions?

Tmeos

I'm really sorry to hear that, she sounds very upset.
Like you the abuse issue popped into my head straight away but it may not be anything so serious.
It's a really difficult age she's at, I remember at that age I was only starting to get me head around death and all that so maybe she's scared of loosing your mom? The boarding schools and seperation can heighten these anxieties rather than makings then more remote.
I think the best you can do is sit down when she's calm and tell her youve noticed she's upset and ask her if she wants to talk. Hopefully she'll open up. Poor little mite, it sounds really tough on both of you

Gillo

Just because she's used to boarding school doesn't mean she wasn't missing her family, that may be it.
I assume you've tried talking to her about it? It doesn't have to be a direct question, perhaps start by telling her what's going in in your life and then ask "what's going in for her" so it's more of a natural conversation.

It's probably just me being knackered and misunderstanding the post, but did she travel on the plan by herself? My own daughter is ten and very confident but that would be frightening enough for her, could that have upset her?

There's lots of things it could be, the best thing to do is talk to her but in a nice (not questioning way).

cloud493

No my mums friend brought her over. Didn't want her flying alone.

I did ask her what was wrong, but she said nothing.

caprilicious

Maybe try let her know that you're there for her if she wants to talk about why she is upset.

Sometimes people need to be prompted to open up, she might be waiting for you to take the lead?

I hope she's ok & It's nothing too serious x

irishbarb

Oh gosh the poor little thing, it could be just something as simple as she is very overwhelmed.
Have to say I hate the thought of small children being in boarding school. Saw a documentary on it and it broke my heart.

Moonbeam

I find your post a little hard to understand but from what I gather -

You and your mum are in Ireland and your little 8 year old sister is in full time boarding school in the UK?
Did she know your mum was sick?

I really do not want to be mean here but the poor little pet must feel lost and so alone at the moment no wonder the poor thing clung to you.
She might be being bullied either.
How often a year does she see her family?

Was she not home with you and your mum for the summer?

dori_dormer

If you want her to open up to you a bit, it might be easier to slightly distract her.

what I mean is, when someone sits down in front of you and asks you are you ok, and are staring at you waiting for an answer it can be hard to open up.

It easier to talk when your doing something else , so id say maybe paint some pictures on the kitchen table or start the conversation rolling when your making dinner and ask her to help with something small. not looking directly at each other.

And like a previous poster said, talk about yourself first, so maybe " Im sad that mums in hospital, but its good news that she'll be out soon - what about you?" etc. And give her plenty of time to think through her response, dont make her feel pressured, and ask one question after another.

Hope you find out whats up with her!

cloud493

She was in full time boarding, but the boarding part of said school had closed now, so she's here. Since her school broke up, she's been with my mum friend and her daughter in their house, she has stayed there before, she's friends with the daughter.

Erm, before, she'd see me, or my mum usually both, 8 times a year? Ish. She only comes homes for extended periods in the summer and Christmas.

Moonbeam

So she is home now with her family and not going back to school in another country on her own?

Staying with a friend of your mums is not family either,the poor child must be so scared and so alone I can not even imagine what she is going through but at least now she is back with you which is what should matter more then anything else.

I have nothing against boarding school,I was a weekly boarder and I saw how much some 12-18 year olds that lived fairly near suffered.There were a few from primary boarding school there too and not all of their experiences were pleasant and they ll lived within 100 miles of their schools.

cloud493

This isn't the first time we've find this process though, staying at a friends for the summer. And she never reacts like that. She's normally quite energetic, but. And she looks even more tired this morning.

Hannibal Smith

dori_dormer wrote: »

If you want her to open up to you a bit, it might be easier to slightly distract her.

what I mean is, when someone sits down in front of you and asks you are you ok, and are staring at you waiting for an answer it can be hard to open up.

It easier to talk when your doing something else , so id say maybe paint some pictures on the kitchen table or start the conversation rolling when your making dinner and ask her to help with something small. not looking directly at each other.

And like a previous poster said, talk about yourself first, so maybe " Im sad that mums in hospital, but its good news that she'll be out soon - what about you?" etc. And give her plenty of time to think through her response, dont make her feel pressured, and ask one question after another.

Hope you find out whats up with her!

I agree with this one...I ask my son how creche was he won't tell me...we have our 'cup of tea and a scone' mornings ( he as milk obviously...and he tells me everything.

I suppose keep doing what you're doing, let her get safe and comfy and let her know that when she's ready to say what's making her sad you'll be there to listen and to help fix it. No matter what it is, the only reason you want to know is to keep her safe and to help her not feel so sad.

I really hope you get to the bottom of it, what a worrying situation for you, and I hope you can help her feel better xx

Sleepy

Could it be the opposite that she's upset that her "home" is gone?

cloud493

It could be, quite possibly. I'm gonna take her out in a bit to mcdonalds, and have a a chat with her I know I shouldn't automatically jump to the worst conclusion, but. Well, you know.

Its like, I picked her, well when, and you know, holding her, and, you can tell somethings wrong. Just a feeling off her. So hopefully we'll get somewhere today.

Moonbeam

It could also be because your mum is sick.

RubyGirl

OP out of interest what age are you?

cloud493

Moonbeam wrote: »

It could also be because your mum is sick.

Thats true. She should be home by the end of the weekend, which is good.
I'm 19.

Daisy M

I cant begin to imagine how an 8 year old would process all that your sister is going through. It is to say the least a very strange set up.

She is very possibly upset from been apart from the people she was closest too ie her friend and her mother and whom ever she was close too in boarding school.

This child needs stability and I doubt living in a country separate from her family for 2 years provided that. I would be of the opinion that you need some sort of professional help and guidance. I can see your doing your best but you are very young and at loss what to do.

MIRMIR82

I hope all works out well with your sister OP, but its no wonder she is acting strange....she's now in a strange place with strange people(i know your family, but she no longer knows you like she should) I am utterly gob smacked that an 8 y.o. is in the UK in boarding school......................best of lucky in mcd's!

cloud493

Well the boarding school obviously wasn't my decision. I'm sure my mum had a reason for it though, probably cos home life here can be a bit unpredictable.

MIRMIR82

cloud493 wrote: »

Well the boarding school obviously wasn't my decision. I'm sure my mum had a reason for it though, probably cos home life here can be a bit unpredictable.

Obviously not you decision...seems like you care for your sister more than your parents do....i honestly feel like crying after reading the situation.

Daisy M

cloud493 wrote: »

Well the boarding school obviously wasn't my decision. I'm sure my mum had a reason for it though, probably cos home life here can be a bit unpredictable.

Obviously none of what has happened to your sister is your fault and I can see you are clearly worried about her and trying to do your best.

Leaving a child to go to boarding school and spend summers with friends in a different country is poor parenting to say the least. There are boarding schools in Ireland and if things at home arent good that should have been an option. I feel so sad for you and your sister reading this thread. I really really hope things work out for you, you both deserve better.

pontia

sounds to far fetched to be true ,doesent add up

Sleepy

pontia wrote: »

sounds to far fetched to be true ,doesent add up

From stories a cousin of mine who worked as a guidance counsellor in a private boarding school told me, the OP's story doesn't sound unbelievable at all.

Even if the OP's story doesn't seem legit to you, what's to be gained from expressing that in a post? If you're right, nothing. If you're wrong, you could cause her further upset.

OP - I'd focus on trying to have fun with your little sis. Often times the best thing for children is normality and, as others have said, she's far more likely to discuss her worries with you when you're in the middle of something else.

cloud493

No my mum is very good, she tries very hard. But she was shook by my dad eventually going to prison, she had a hard time getting a job and all the rest, and it's the same boarding school I went to, so I assume her thought was that boarding school was better for her than a pretty turbulent home life.

seamus

I get the impression from the OP that they're British, or at the very least that the UK is home, and not Ireland. It's no uncommon for parents to choose for their children to be educated in their home country, even if the parents aren't around. It's a bit unfair to call it "poor parenting" with knowing the circumstances.

Anyway, it may just be that the turmoil has overwhelmed her. Sick Mum, new school, new home, and presumably she's never going to see any of her friends from school ever again. That would be a lot of change for anyone, never mind an 8 year old. Hopefully she opens up to the OP and can have her fears allayed.

cloud493

For those that have never seen any of my related posts before, yeah we're British, from Liverpool. Said boarding school was in hoylake, well off area, nice, only boarding school in mersyside, closed as of the end of the summer term.

Daisy M

I do believe the ops post he is a regular poster. I don't want to cause himupset but I really believe a child is been really let down so in this case I am not going to be as pc as normal, I am going to call a spade a spade.
I get that sending children to boarding school is considered normal by many and thats fine but whats happening here is a whole different kettle of fish.
Its not ok to move away from a country and leave your then 6 year old behind with no family only friends who apparently have also cared for her over some holidays.

Op I get that things are difficult and your mother may be trying to do her best for her child but she isn't, she has let her down big time. Your mam is probably struggling especially now she is ill, I think you should urge her to get help now.

whatdoicare

Hiya - I'm surprised noone suggested this - but if your sister has returned home expecting to be welcomed by your mam, only to find your mam is in hospital and she hasn't seen her yet - she's probably putting two and two in her mind and coming up with five, if you know what I mean?

For a child to not have the reassurance that mam is alright by physically seeing her is probably very scary to her - I remember when I was about that age sitting by the window bawling my eyes out when my folks went out for an hour at night. My older brother couldn't console me no matter what he said or did but I needed to see them coming around the corner before I'd relax.

Maybe getting yr mam on the phone to her for a few minutes might help?

cloud493

I will suggest it to her, but I think my mum will wait till we're back on the mersyside to get anything professional.

So we went to mcdonalds, and we had a little chat. I said 'what's up chick' and she said nothing. So I said, cos you know if there is, you can talk to me about it, I'm not gonna get cross or shout at you or anything like that' and she said whens mum coming home? And I said very very soon we'll go get her together ok? And she said yeah. And she's been a little bit better today. Still looks tired though.

I think my mum will be better at this though, since she has worked/is going back to work for the NHS when we go back to Liverpool, so il discuss it with her when we go get her. Obviously, I think moonbeam had the right point, she was missing my mum, but I do think talking to some nice professional people could do her good. I'm much more 'in the loop' so to speak now then I was 2 years ago, so I'l be able to put my word in.

And as I said, its easy to look at my mum putting my sister in boarding school and condemn it, but I know her, my mum and my sister. My mum was really shaken up by everything that happened, she thought it'd be better for my sister to be in England than Ireland. I honestly don't know why we came here in the first place, and I'm sure we didn't intend to stay long as we have. But I know she's a good mum, I love her, my sister loves her

And thanks for all the constructive input so far, really appreciated

pontia

jesus,6 year old sent to boarding school.stuff like that will resurface when older

*mod note*

We get your point and it is not really helping.
Please either post something helpful here or stop posting to this thread.

Daisy M

cloud493 wrote: »

I will suggest it to her, but I think my mum will wait till we're back on the mersyside to get anything professional.

So we went to mcdonalds, and we had a little chat. I said 'what's up chick' and she said nothing. So I said, cos you know if there is, you can talk to me about it, I'm not gonna get cross or shout at you or anything like that' and she said whens mum coming home? And I said very very soon we'll go get her together ok? And she said yeah. And she's been a little bit better today. Still looks tired though.

I think my mum will be better at this though, since she has worked/is going back to work for the NHS when we go back to Liverpool, so il discuss it with her when we go get her. Obviously, I think moonbeam had the right point, she was missing my mum, but I do think talking to some nice professional people could do her good. I'm much more 'in the loop' so to speak now then I was 2 years ago, so I'l be able to put my word in.

And as I said, its easy to look at my mum putting my sister in boarding school and condemn it, but I know her, my mum and my sister. My mum was really shaken up by everything that happened, she thought it'd be better for my sister to be in England than Ireland. I honestly don't know why we came here in the first place, and I'm sure we didn't intend to stay long as we have. But I know she's a good mum, I love her, my sister loves her

And thanks for all the constructive input so far, really appreciated

Obviously you have all been through a difficult time and you seem under the impression that your mum was dealing with it as best she could and there was no neglect intended but your sis was let down. I am relieved that you realise some form of professional help is needed and you will approach your mum. She sounds as though she has been struggling very badly and made some bad decisions because of this, have you anyother siblings you can get on board to help?

cloud493

I do, but she's in England too. So, everything will revolve around the return, basically, hopefully should be before the end of the year.

Moonbeam

Is your mother seriously ill?
WIth out been mean does she suffer from mental health problems?
Sorry to hear about your dad but hopefully you and your mother are dealing with it.
Maybe people have found out her daddy is in jail and are bullying her about it?
Is your lil sis back to her normal school in Sept but home for the summer with you now?
Boarding school cost so much money esp at primary level so I can only understand the financial stress that this is causing.
Everyone has their own reasons for boarding school and I would not hold that agains't them once the best for the child is their intentions but a that age leaving the country and leavig the poor kid on her own is what would cause more issues.

cloud493

No not really, she has a lot of health problems. She's in right now with a blood clot in her knee, related to DVT? Something to do with blood?
No she only chose that school cos it offered boarding, now she'll be going to a school in Liverpool.

caprilicious

Sounds like you're doing a great job for your sister under the circumstances.

I would imagine it is very unsettling for her moving schools/Country/Home & your mum not being around.
Hopefully your mum will be home and well very soon & having you both around will give your sister a bit of reassurance and consistency in her life.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm a little confused. Is your mam in hospital in Ireland or the UK? Has your sister seen her at all?

I don't think abuse should be your first thought, just because your sister is upset.

She is only 8 and it would seem she doesn't have a very stable home life. I'm not saying its deliberate, but from your post it DOES seem to be a bit all over the place.

At 8 years of age, kids imaginations run wild. In boarding school she might be upset thinking she did something wrong to be sent away. (she may have come to this conclusion by herself, or may have heard another child talking)

Or she may miss her friends.

Or she may miss her school.

Or she may be worried about going to a new school.

Or she may miss her mam.

Or she may think her mam really doesn't want her.

Or she may miss the family she was staying with....

Etc... Etc... Etc...

There is any amount of reasons why she might be upset. I do think though that you are in over your head. How long is she staying with you? When will she see her mam? You need to be honest with her.. not fob her off with 'soon'. Find out a day/date. Mark it on the calendar and show it to her.

Has she spoken to your mam yet? You are very good to look after her, and I'm sure she loves you... But you're not who she wants right now.

cloud493

My mum is in the beaumount, in Dublin. Not yet no, probably won't now, since she'll be out either tomorrow or today. We are in my mums house, my mum will be home on the weekend.

I know I'm not a parent really, she wants her mum. But I do love her a lot, and I spend a lot of time with her, and I'm concerned, you know.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you not bring her to visit her? Is there a reason that she can't go to the hospital to see her?

I have no doubt that you love her and want to help, and in the circumstances now, you are doing the best you can.

Make her time here fun. That doesn't mean you have to spend loads of money, by the way! I don't think there is anything terribly 'wrong' with you sister, apart from being a bit confused and upset by all the commotion of the last while. You're not her social worker, so don't take on that role. You should both be enjoying yourselves. Build up her trust and confidence in you, and if there is something wrong she may be able to tell you.

But I think once things settle down and she is back to the stable routine of school, she will also settle down.

cloud493

There's no physical reason, I just thought it might upset her more.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think so. Unless your mam is very very unwell and wouldn't be awake/able to speak to her etc. I can't see why it would upset your sister.

But from what you say, your mam is probably going to be discharged soon , so I take it she's up to having visitors. I'm surprised your mam hasn't suggested bringing her in?

cloud493

Well she was the one that said not to bring her in, cos it'd upset her. And I didn't think she'd be in there as long as she has, its been 2 weeks.

Is it still worth it taking her? Specially if she's getting out in 48 hours.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes, it is worth bringing her in. 48 hours is a LONG time for a little girl (and it's been longer than that for her at this stage!)

She is upset. She has told you she misses her mam. Bringing her in to see her will mean that you have a much happier little girl tomorrow. Make a big deal out of buying a few magazines and a packet of sweets (that can be shared;)!)

She is 8 - she misses her mam, and because she hasn't seen her (and hasn't really been given a sufficient reason why) she's probably making up her own version of what is happening - and it's all bad in her head!

cloud493

That is true. Very very true, I didn't think of it like that. Ok. if she's not getting out tomorrow, we'll go see her. If she is, we'll go get her together, and get a nice meal to eat together on the way back.

molly09

Hi Cloud493

fair play to you been so concerned for your little sis, I am sure at 19 and with the difficult family life you seem to have had you have your own stuff to deal with also, that this has not been easy. you need to acknowledge all you have been through also and seek any assistance that you may need.

Maybe as your dad has gone away to prision and may not be coming back to your lives for a whilem if ever and now your mum is in hospital and although thankfully will be coming home soon; maybe your little sis needs some concrete evidence that her mum is actually coming home. I hope that makes sense but a 8 yr old can need more concrete evidence that saying "mum will be home by the weekend".

Although your dad obviously did something wrong to end up in prision and maybe whatever he did was enough for you and your mum not to repect him or miss him anymore but for a 8 year old he is still her dad and and she probably has no concept or knowledge of what he did wrong. She may still miss him and wonder why she cant see him anymore.

This is a very difficult situation but its great that your mum is not seriously ill and that the three of ye are together in the one crountry.
Life throws each of us a lot of ****, some worse than other and all we can do is try to deal with it at the time with the best of teh ability at that time.
Of course some may think boarding school is not suitable for a young child of 6 but no one here knows the circumstances so may it was the safest place for that little girl. It is very unfair to judge others peoples situations EVEN knowing the full story.

Orion

MIRMIR82 wrote: »

seems like you care for your sister more than your parents do....i honestly feel like crying after reading the situation.

pontia wrote: »

sounds to far fetched to be true ,doesent add up

pontia wrote: »

jesus,6 year old sent to boarding school.stuff like that will resurface when older

We will have no more judgemental comments like the above. Answer the ops concerns or don't post. Judging is not helpful and will be looked on poorly

cloud493 wrote: »

Well she was the one that said not to bring her in, cos it'd upset her. And I didn't think she'd be in there as long as she has, its been 2 weeks.

Is it still worth it taking her? Specially if she's getting out in 48 hours.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips. She may just want to see her mother. A kid of 8 has a wild imagination (I have 2 - trust me on this). Let her see her mother and it can't not help.

cloud493

So, she's been a little better this morning. I told her we'd be going to pick mum up later, then we were going out for tea, and she was excited and she's been a lot better. Have to see how the day goes mind, but its a step up.

Big Bag of Chips

Make sure you keep that promise. Even if your mam doesn't get discharged today, you still need to bring your sister to see her.

(Now get ready for... "Are we going yet?", "When are we going?", "Is it nearly time to go?".....!!)

up for anything

OP, my reading on the whole situation is that your sister is somewhere close to a breaking point for her. Children accept family traditions as normal very easily even when they see other people have a different way of doing things and in fact can feel quite proud of being out of the ordinary.

Your sister accepted boarding school at an early age, staying with family friends rather than being at home. I presume she knows her father has gone to prison and has taken that on board and she will know that your mother has struggled even if it's been hidden from her. Children are not stupid, far from it.

Someone here suggested that maybe she feels like she's lost her home. I think that that is probably very much the case - the one source of stability in her life is now ended and I doubt judging from some of the things you've said that anybody has ever sat her down and fully explained things to her. You're probably too close to the situation to see it. When you collected her from the airport she should have been taken straight to the hospital to see her mother. Has she been staying at her friend's knowing that her mother is sick and in hospital without it being explained to her what is wrong?

Now she is back here and presumably knows that you will all be heading back to the UK in a few months. Two things here, she will I assume be attending school here for those months before you move and then she will be in different school when you move back there, therefore she has not only the loss of one half of her stability to cope with but the thoughts of two new schools to contend with, a move back to the UK, plus your mother being sick. That would be enough to place anyone on the verge of meltdown.

Perhaps when your mother is out of hospital and without waiting an extended period of time for her to be back on her feet, you both need to sit down with your sister and explain things openly and in full to her answering any questions that she has about her future.

Our family tradition was boarding school the September you turned four. I liked my school as much as any child might - there were bad times of course but in general it was fine. I accepted it as the way my family did things even though every day I sat in a class of 29 other children who went home to their families at 3pm while I went back to the main school. It was my normality and I didn't question it.

When I was eight though my mindset changed and I suddenly wanted out and home (at this stage my parents had moved back to this country so it was an option although one never offered to me). I used a scene out of a book I'd read (Heidi - the one where she's in Frankfurt and is overheard praying out loud that she can go home to the mountain for those of you familiar with the story) when my mother came to visit one Sunday - making damn sure that my mother and the Rev Mother overhead me (manipulative little sod that I was). The Rev Mother convinced my mother to leave me for another while in case it was a temporary thing. I spent the next year pushing to leave and was allowed when I was 9. I went back though willingly when I was 12. I never mentioned the Heidi scene to my mother and she never mentioned her side of it until I was in my mid-teens.

I'm telling you this so that you are aware that children of 8 are well able to reason things out, to listen, plan, understand and take a few 'hard knocks' at that age.

Talk to the child. Tell her why things are as they are? Let her ask questions, answer them as if she were 40 rather than giving the expurgated version, and don't hide stuff from her. Once she has all the facts she might be able to make sense of her place in the world.

Most importantly, take her to see her mother today, especially if she is not coming home till tomorrow. The anxiety must be killing her.

cloud493

So, a lot better. We got my mum from the hospital, she was pretty... whats the word, ecstatic? Brilliant it was she was still clingy, in the hospital, and when we went to mcdonalds, didn't go far from me but thats ok. Lot happier

Sleepy

cloud493, I think it's already been alluded to in the thread but: fair play. You're a great big brother.