Bit on the side

LegacyUser

Struggling a bit with the situation I've found myself so hoping to get a bit of perspective.

I met this girl a couple of months ago on a night out, really gorgeous girl and we got chatting had loads in common. Without going into too much detail (don't want to give away who I am) we exchanged numbers but it was work related rather than to hook up at some point. Anyhow it turned out she is engaged and has a child so not available but in all honesty I would have thought she was way out of my league any how.

Since then we've been in touch for the work matter and have met a couple of times. To say there is chemistry there is an understatement. Its started off really professional but then I found we were in contact more and more when we really didn't need to be and the times we've met have been more chatting and flirting than working.

I know it was wrong and I don't want to be that sort of person but I kissed her about two weeks ago and she kissed me back. We were both reluctant to see each other again after that but met out again and this time she came back to mine. We've pretty much been having a full blown relationship since then. When we are together she talks about her child but never her fiance so it's easy enough to forget that she has one. When we're npt together the guilt is eating me up though. This is the first time I've ever felt this could be the real deal with a girl so I really don't know what to do. We haven't even discussed what is happening in her relationship because I feel like bringin it up will burst our little bubble.

I know that I should leave well enough alone and don't want to be a home wrecker but I don't want to miss out on my chance either, would it be wrong to ask her to leave him?

Head is all over the place and really don't know what to do.

Jason Todd

I'd leave well enough alone OP. You don't want that on your conscience. If she is 'meant' for you or whatever, they will split naturally leaving ye free to get together.

Just be warned too, because she has a kid things will naturally be messy in regards to custody etc, do you want to be involved in that? Particularly if he finds out that ye were together before they split up?

Edit: I was in your shoes once before, the couple have since gotten married and I don't think she ever told her husband, but I still feel guilty about it, and it was like 4-5 years ago.

Piliger

Hi OP.

You need to wake up to the fact that you are not in a relationship and are completely free to do what you want. The responsibility for her actions is with her and you have absolutely no cause to be guilty.
She may be having second thoughts about getting married, or he may be treating her badly or whatever reason she is choosing to be with you. Leave that with her to decide. If you are worried about where you stand as regards her marriage then ask her straight out. Then you'll know.
The only thing I would be worried about, if I were in your situation, is that you are not just having a bit of a fling ... and what happens if he finds out ? will he come after you and could it be dangerous ...
On the other hand, if you're still wracked with this guilt stuff then leave it well alone and go find a nice single girl.

LegacyUser

Well I know we are not in a relationship in the usual sense but it is a relationship of sorts. I also don't believe that I am blameless in this, I knew the situation before I kissed her and before any of this happened.

My problem is that I don't think there are any single girls out there anywhere near as nice as this one. If I didn't think she was something special then I wouldn't have a problem. The thoughts of her not being in my life any more is killing me

Herrick

Another thing to add here. If she's able to cheat on her fiance with you, who's to say she won't cheat on you if you got together?

LegacyUser

I'd get out of that situation if I were you. Too many unknowns.

She could be doing it to get back at her fiance for him doing something similar, she could be also trying to get pregnant behind his back (who's to say her present child isn't biologically her fiance's?), all sorts of scenarios spring to mind.

Of course there's chemistry - you're both breaking a taboo and that's definitely an adrenalin rush, but you do say you're feeling guilty so part of you knows you shouldn't be doing this. How would you feel if you were her fiance and found out?

LegacyUser

If I didn't think she was something special then I wouldn't have a problem

You have an odd definition of 'someone special' OP. She is sharing her life with 2 men, not fully committed to either. She kisses another man, holds him, laughs with him then comes over to yours and does the same to you. She has sex with another man, allows him to touch her, presumably preforms sex acts on him and then comes over to yours and does the same to you,or maybe leaves you and returns home and do the same to him. Either way it's pretty cheap. She's a cheat, and a liar (what does she tell her fiancée when she's with you?). Yep how 'special'.

My problem is that I don't think there are any single girls out there anywhere near as nice as this one

?? How could they possibly be any worse.

You made a mistake OP, but for gods sake learn from it and move on. Don't throw your dignity and self respect away by getting involved in a relationship with someone with morals as low as this 'woman'. She's a cheat and a liar.

Payton

How would you feel if your partner was doing what she was doing??
In my opinion I'd cut contact, if you see eachother through work speak to your supervisor/manager and ask to be re-deployed.
This is only going one way as there is going to be people hurt, not just adults.
Walk away, its still early. Someone is giving you plenty of attention and it seems damn good....now. Leave with your sanity and dignity in tacked.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op.i been there before.i would urge you to stop this.At the end of the day think about it at who she is with.Think about the times when you are alone at night or times when you would like to have her support but have to go without it.Think about special moments you won't have with her.Think about her keeping you a secret whilst out in the open with her partner.As other said there's an innocent child involved in this and it end have to face an messy situation of custody rights of child's father.And think about what would happen if her partner found out.I know you say you won't find someone else as nice but i believe that is not true.Another nice person has to come along.Op she might not never leave him.

Piliger

Hi OP.

I would suggest to you that you have no other choice to but to bring this subject up.

Do you want her to change her mind and not marry this guy ? if so then you cannot waste any more time. The more time passes the more locked in she will be to him. I don't buy in to this moralising personal vilification of this girl. Sometimes life gets complicated and you make difficult decisions. She is in a situation that she is clearly not handling as well as she could but that doesn't mean in any way she is not a good and decent person. We have no idea what kind of sh1t her fiance may be or what is going on in their relationship and I, for one, would never dream of judging her.

If you want her then move on it now. Fight for her.

Peanut2011

OP,

Looking at some responses here and stating that the responsibility is on her and not you I find very flawed. After all, you did mention that you knew her situation even before any of this happened. In my mind both of you are to blame for what is happening. If you fell for this woman without knowing any of this I would have sympathy for you.

As a grown adult you must stand up for your own mistakes. You don't know the reason this woman is doing this and the fact that you were more than willing to go along with that it is very low and morally wrong. You are quite possibly destroying a home for that child. Not saying she would not have done that with someone else if it was not for you but the fact that the child is involved in that relationship you should have walked away!

I would say at this stage is damage control time and you need to either step up and speak to her about your relationship and recognise the fact she is cheating on her Fiancé and also on you with him and address that or simply walk away.

I know that I should leave well enough alone and don't want to be a home wrecker but I don't want to miss out on my chance either, would it be wrong to ask her to leave him?

Also this line just shows that you are very selfish and self centred as not once did you consider what this is doing to the child or the other man!

Grow up and look elsewhere!

Starokan

As much as you probably do not want to hear this my advice would be walk away. Why? well in all probability you will be the one that ends up getting seriously hurt here, the likelihood of her leaving her partner when they have a child together pretty slim i would say.

Also have you thought of whether you would be able to take on a ready made family if she did leave, its a hell of a responsibilty.

I have been in your situation and it messed me up for years. Call it a day and see what she does with her current relationship, if she walks away because its at a natural end then perhaps there is a future for you and if she does'nt then you have your answer anyway