Men and their 'Mammies'

Baby4

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Toast4532

They walk into your house WITHOUT knocking on the door? That is absolutely scandalous behaviour. :eek:

If I was in your position and they came some evening when I was home alone, I'd almost be tempted not to answer the door to them.

Walking in without knocking is so so rude, you can't just walk into someone's house without knocking. I don't blame you for locking the door.

As for your husband going to his mothers house every day, I would talk it out with him and explicitly make it clear that it bothers you and why it bothers you.

Like you say, he is 35, married, has a family of his own. If he doesn't listen, you'll need to think long and hard about your next move.

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who spends 50% or more of their time with their family and then having to spend most of my week entertaining his family either.

Once or twice a week is enough for them to be calling over I think. I hope I am not being too nosy, but do yourself and your husband get much time alone considering his family are over so often? By time alone I mean time to talk, watch movies, chill out, wind down after work etc?

Baby4

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Giselle

Its not only women who can be manipulative.

Your husband seems like he's having the best of all possible worlds here. He's the apple of mammy's eye, and he's got a wife waiting at home too. The onus is on him not to be so selfish and blinkered and to take on board the hurt and inconvenience he and the family are causing the supposedly most important person in his life. You. Not mammy!

Did you know the family was this close knit before you got married?

If all else fails, hint to mammy that there might be a broken marriage in the family. That'll scare her.:)

Kooli

I know of a guy who lived at home till he was 40 and only moved out when he got married.

After he got married he still ate dinner at his mammie's house EVERY NIGHT! When his wife complained how did he solve it? Eat two dinners.

Not even kidding.

It's such a strange dynamic when a mother won't let her son become a husband to a new family but tries to keep him a child of his first family. And equally strange that a husband is happy to live that way.

And it seems to be a very Irish phenomenon too.

ash23

My boyfriend lives near to his parents but we don't live together. He has all his meals with them. I would anticipate that would change if I moved in with him. But I can also see myself telling him to go to his mams for dinner because I don't want to cook that night

I'm also really close to my family and so I suppose I don't mind his relationship with his because my mother would often come and stay with me and my family know practically everything that goes on in my life.
In fact, his family have already begun inviting me into the fold which is lovely. His sisters ask me over for dinner and I have called into them a few times without him present. I've also gone on nights out with them, without him.
I really like the bond he has with his family and I like being part of it. But I get that it might not be everyones cup of tea. Much like my closeness and involvement with my family wouldn't be to every mans taste.

Dravokivich

I generally only see my folks about twice a month.

krudler

I see my parents 3-4 times a year since they live abroad, but even at that they used to have to nearly drag me home of a sunday every now and then for dinner. my mam showed me how to iron and work a washing machine when I was in my early teens so I've never done the "arrive home with washing" thing.
She still asks if I need stuff done in the way only mothers do and when I visit them she has the kettle on every 5 mins but its kind of endearing. I hate being mammied, dont expect my mother to do it, sure as sh1t won't expect a girlfriend or wife to do it, I'd want a partner not a nanny. Nothing wrong with making dinner for someone just because and doing things for each other around the house but this blanket expectation that my dinner be ready for me? nah.

lazygal

This was something I had to put my foot down about soon after me and my husband started going out. While his parents are nice, they expected us to make an appearance most Sundays for lunch, kept asking us over (and making my husband feel quite guilty when he refused) and generally expected to play a big presence in our lives.

I feel very, very strongly that you marry the person, not the family. I don't buy into the whole 'welcoming someone into the family' thing, it suits some people but not me. When we got married, we formed our own unit and as such suit ourselves. Neither my parents nor my inlaws spent their weekends travelling to see their families and we don't intend to either. My parents live close enough to us, but are not 'dropper inners' and always call before coming over and we can happily say 'that doesn't suit' and there's no offence.

My inlaws are a pretty constant feature in their daughter, son in law and grandchildren's lives. My SIL does tell them a lot and I think they nearly expected me and my husband to be the same, asking them for financial advice and things like that. At the start, I was really annoyed that my husband would have told his parents all and everything that we were doing or thinking of doing, but I explained to him that it bothered me and he no longer gives them the low down on everything.

I suspect it annoys my father in law more than my mother in law that all the details of what we do aren't shared, as my husband's father is very much the patriarch. He often makes 'jokey' comments about how we are so independent, how they are the last to know this or that and how we like to keep things under our hats, but to be perfectly honest, our lives and the decisions we make for our family are something we don't need or want to discuss with others.

I know some people are into the whole family hanging out together, and I think its important for grandparents to see their grandchildren and life can be easier when everyone gets along, but me and my husband are our family now, and our parents generally respect that. I'd be grossly offended if my husband insisted on eating in his parents house every day. I think this is something your husband needs to tackle, as it is all too easy for the mother in law to paint you as the troublesome one who's rocking the boat when the whole family just LOVE doing everything together. You're a better woman than me for putting up with this.

cdaly_

Don't forget also that him going back to mammy now will turn into mammy coming over to you and needing to be looked after as the years go on...

Baby4

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The Cool

YES YES YES I give out about this to friends all the time. What is it about men and their families, hope I don't seem to make an irrational generalisation but looking at couples around me, the ladies all seem to be so much more independent than their blokes!! Even sisters versus brothers, I dunno is it the Irish mammy's way of raising sons or what? Drives me mad!
I'm quite independent of my family, we were raised to be - we boarded weekly and I went to college for 5 years including a year of study abroad. By my second year of college I was in a routine of going home to Donegal about once every 4-6 weeks (I studied in Galway). I went home every weekend in first year because I had a job but it was absolute madness, eating up my time and money... I've kept that routine of going home every month or 6 weeks since. My boyfriend, on the other hand, who also studied in Galway, went home to Mammy in Mayo every single weekend for the 4 years he was there. It blows my mind to think how you can be "moved out" for 4 years, but still not "moved out"!
We now live together in Maynooth and after 3 years of a relationship I can say he's seen that there's a lot more to life than sharing absolutely everything with your family. There's still a big difference between us though. I go home every month or 6 weeks mostly because long weekends or birthdays or things fall around then so it's handy, and also because I have very young siblings and I want them to remember who I am! I would often go maybe a week without hearing from home as well. On the other hand, the OH now hasn't been home in 3 weeks and is getting angsty to make a trip up and see his parents. His mum checks in with him every single day. It seems like they feel the need to share every mundane thing that happens to them. Likewise he feels he has to tell his mum every time he gets a bill, gets paid or has a bellyache. Until I moved to Maynooth to live with him, he drove across to Galway to spend every weekend with me and would have to check in with his mum to tell her when he was leaving and when he had arrived - even til the point where he had been doing that trip over and back every single week for two years!!!
I would hope that he considers me more important than his family, but I doubt his family do - his brother and sister have often thrown strops at him for spending more on my Christmas presents than theirs, giving me his used mobile phone instead of them, etc.
I'm completely baffled by it and it does have me pulling my hair out - but at least he's not as bad as his younger brother, who tells his mum about his sex life and everything.
OP how long are you married? At 35 he needs to cop on big time - he's no longer 20, and it's about time he copped on. He has his own nuclear family now that he is the head of. Best of luck

Baby4

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puffishoes

Baby4 wrote: »

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was this not an issue in the previous 7 years?

Baby4

Baby4 wrote: »

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puffishoes wrote: »

was this not an issue in the previous 7 years?

.

puffishoes

bluewolf wrote: »

.

Thanks for the the .

I mean everything. Them opening the door and walking into the house. them having an opinion on everything. his general attachment to his mother and her interference.

feel free to answer any of them on behalf of the op also

ash23

puffishoes wrote: »

Thanks for the the .

I mean everything. Them opening the door and walking into the house. them having an opinion on everything. his general attachment to his mother and her interference.

feel free to answer any of them on behalf of the op also

The OP already said

When we were going out together before we got married, and also early on in our marriage, his working day was more regular, and he was at work all day, so the breakfast/lunch thing wasn't an issue as he ate his meals at home. But due to the recession, (he is self-employed), he can pick and choose what time of the day he works, and the work is fairly scarce to be honest

puffishoes

ash23 wrote: »

The OP already said

Which states that the meals were not an issue.

I'm not asking about the meals. feel free to read my questions and you too can answer on behalf of the op if you know.

Baby4

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ash23

puffishoes wrote: »

Which states that the meals were not an issue.

I'm not asking about the meals. feel free to read my questions and you too can answer on behalf of the op if you know.

Well I would imagine if he was out working all day then it wasn't so much of an issue. But now that he is home more, the mother is around more and it's becoming an issue. Speculation (based on what the OP said) of course but hey, we can all wait for every OP to write back before we respond to anything. :rolleyes:

puffishoes

ash23 wrote: »

Well I would imagine if he was out working all day then it wasn't so much of an issue. But now that he is home more, the mother is around more and it's becoming an issue. Speculation (based on what the OP said) of course but hey, we can all wait for every OP to write back before we respond to anything. :rolleyes:

I don't see what him working has to do with the familiy calling over 3/4 times a week. did they do this before hand? I'm trying to work out the level of interfence by the familiy in the 7 years before the marridge..

no you don't have to wait for the OP to respond but you're pointing me to answers to questions i didn't ask and it's not very helpful. so you can roll your eyes around all you like...

Baby4

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puffishoes

Baby4 wrote: »

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I wonder if the sister ended up telling the mother?

But as you all ready stated I wouldn't be upset with the mother your husband is engading her behavior and for a 35yr old married man it does seem rather odd.

rubysgirl

Before I get started, you should know I'm pro family unity/bonding with my partner and he isn't so into it.


Why does it bother you so much that he eats with his family when you're not around? Maybe he just doesn't enjoy spending that time on his own. I'd be inclined the same way after being raised in a full house.
Mammy probably started doing the breakfast/lunch as a way of helping you both out when your husbands work started to go quiet. When money gets tight with me the first thing I get is some homemade bread, soup etc., because giving money can be seen as charity. Even more so for men, as they're stereotypically supposed to be the breadwinner.
Maybe you mentioning this to your sister in law could have been misconstrued as bitching...?

The best way for you to rectify this is to sit down with your mother in law... Take her for lunch and talk woman to woman. You never know, you may actually enjoy her company and want to spend more time with her!

Ash.J.Williams

Anytime a girlfriend complains about me seeing my family, it's down to jealousy.

Inbox

Someday ye will all be mammies, wouldn't it be nice to have a great son who will call in and see you everyday to break the monotony of just seeing your decrepid old husband.

The Cool

I think there's a difference between having a good relationship with your parents, and having the same attitude about them as you did when you were 19. I think particularly in the OP's situation, she as his wife is being downgraded by the M-I-L. The situation is that the OP's hubby still thinks of his mother as being the matriarch (not sure if that's the right term - but I mean, most important woman, not just emotionally but in all aspects of life) while he should be thinking of his wife as that. OP and hubby are a married couple which is supposed to mean they're a partnership and that partnership should be the most important relationship in his life - he's not supposed to have a team of his own, who are competing for his attention.
For example, OP as you say about the shopping going to waste - you and the hubby do your shopping for the two of ye, you plan out your week's grub and you know you'll eat whatever meat by Wednesday if it goes out of date by Thursday, blah blah blah. Then he goes home to eat instead, letting your food and planning and consideration go to waste. It's particularly frustrating if you pick food that he likes for dinner and then he goes home for grub instead - if you'd known you could have bought less food, and food that you enjoy but don't get as much because he doesn't like - I know myself!
Anyway it does just make you feel like crap - like I cook for me and my bf all the time and put a lot of effort in to make really nice meals, particularly as he doesnt have the same taste as me - and then when he's going home, he'll say how excited he is to gave his mammy's bacon and cabbage. To which I think, what kind of mug am I?!

Ickle Magoo

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the_syco

If you don't have kids...

Baby4 wrote: »

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If you know exactly what time they'll come over at, but the clocks back an hour, buy some nice kinky lingerie, and have some sex on the kitchen table. Time it so that they walk in on it. They may be mortified enough not to pop in unannounced again?

Kooli wrote: »

And it seems to be a very Irish phenomenon too.

Seems the Italians have the same problem.

=-=

You spend hours making dinner, and his reaction is "can't wait till mammies dinner" makes him sound like an unappreciative ****. And this is coming from a bloke.

=-=

Posted post before I read Ickle Magoos so hope I didn't step on anyones toes.

Lola92

OP I would have a major issue with that if I were you. You are a family of your own now, why is he going to his parents house for all of his meals? Are you invited over also?

My partners mother would call in to us maybe two or three evenings a week and stay for a cup of tea and a chat for an hour. She doesn't usually call in advance but then again if we are busy or have something planned she will head home. We don't often go to them because they live rurally and there is no public transport available. I used to travel up to my parents about once a month or so and stay a couple of days with my daughter as we are about 2 hours from them.

iguana

My husband is probably the opposite to a lot of the men described here. He does love his parents and is happy to spend time with them but he'd rarely do it from his own initiative. He generally works very long hours so when he has time off he usually either wants to chill out at home or see friends, he's happy to visit his parents too but he just doesn't find that as relaxing as doing his own thing so when his spare time is rare he doesn't prioritise visiting them.

Tbh, I often find that I'm the one giving him a push to spend more time with them and I know I'll be doing it even more so once our baby is born. For example a couple of months a go we were discussing a potential house move, that would have meant we'd have moved a couple of hours drive from his parents. I asked him if it happened how soon after our baby was born would he want his parents to visit. He said that ideally he'd like them to wait until a week or so after we had come home from hospital to give us all a chance to settle in first. I was just about to agree to that when he continued on and said that then they could come down for an afternoon and go home again in the evening! I think that was a bit mean as if they are going to do a 5 hour round trip they'd at least want to stay for a night or two.

mackg

Kooli wrote: »

I know of a guy who lived at home till he was 40 and only moved out when he got married.

After he got married he still ate dinner at his mammie's house EVERY NIGHT! When his wife complained how did he solve it? Eat two dinners.

Not even kidding.

It's such a strange dynamic when a mother won't let her son become a husband to a new family but tries to keep him a child of his first family. And equally strange that a husband is happy to live that way.

And it seems to be a very Irish phenomenon too.

I know guys that behave like this mostly from rural backgrounds, actually I would say exclusively from rural backgrounds. Saying that there are girls who get married and take on a stay at home mom role who spend a huge amount of time hanging around with their mothers. Again most of this that I have seen is in rural areas. I don't know how much of an "Irish" thing it is either because frankly I don't have a great knowledge of the day to day lives of people in other countries.

I think in the OPs case however it is just a case of you and your husband loving each other and wanting to get married but just having very different ideas of what your married life would be. You have a preference for what Lazygal outlines, an independent family unit for the most part compared to your husband who favours what rubysgirl outlines where the extended family plays a much greater role. Neither of you are wrong as such and hopefully you can reach a compromise. My family had problems along somewhat similar lines and I hope you and your husband get through it like my parents did.



EDIT: On what iguana said about her husband I would fall in the same category and think what is being talked about in this thread is becoming less and less common as rural areas become more and more urbanised.

Giselle

Baby4 wrote: »

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To be honest I think the mammy is much less of a problem than the husband.

The mammy is just playing into his hands, and he's manipulating her and you but probably without even realising it. I'd suspect he played mammy off daddy when he was a pup, and its how he manages his relationships. I'm probably wrong though!

I think the Husband has to step up here, and it all has to come from him. Mammy isn't going to change her behaviour and he's going to need some sort of incentive to change his. I do feel for you Baby4, it must feel heart wrenching to constantly come second, and he's going to have to recognise that thats where he's delegating you.

I'm sure he loves you and would take on board some compromise. Its very unfair that you just can't count on being treated properly without having to negotiate this minefield.Is he able to tackle it in such a way that makes it his decision in the mammy's eyes, instead of something the evil wife is forcing on the family? If he loves you enough he should be careful to make sure you stay out of it.

Best of luck, with all of it.

Giselle

mackg wrote: »

This to me sounds like a terrible idea.

The little smiley face at the end of the sentence indicates that its meant to be taken as a joke.

mackg

Giselle wrote: »

The little smiley face at the end of the sentence indicates that its meant to be taken as a joke.

Oooops sorry! /:p/:pac: are what I usually take to mean joke, smiley can be an inexact form of communication!



I edited out that part of my post.

Daisy M

Sometimes I have this fear that I will turn into one of these mammys!! I doubt any woman sets out to become the mother in law from hell especially considering they would have had mother in laws of their own, so how does this happen?

I have noticed though that many women are inclined to confide in their own mothers over any problems they may have be it in the relationship or life in general but they don't like it if their partner does the same with his mother.

Hopefully I will stick with the plan and raise well adjusted independant children who will not expect mammy to cook if they are hungry and lazy and also that myself and hubby will be too busy living it up to be on call 24/7 to cook meals for them.:)

username123

Im not into the whole family hanging out together thing at all.

I think that the OPs husband needs to man up and cut the apron strings, looks like mammy is never gonna let go so he needs to prioritise which family his loyalties are with, his family of origin or his wife.

Personally I would be disgusted with my husband if he dismissed meals I made with 'cant wait for mammys dinner' etc...

As for the mammy walking in unannounced - absolutely no way in the world. I would lock the doors and not answer. Or Id answer naked and tell her to get lost.

Mammy is in a power struggle here with the OP and the OPs husband is the only one who can break it. He needs to grow up.

I was at a wedding recently where the MIL actually said to the bride, on the wedding day, 'he'll always be mine' - wtf!!

Daisy M

username123 wrote: »

Im not into the whole family hanging out together thing at all.

I think that the OPs husband needs to man up and cut the apron strings, looks like mammy is never gonna let go so he needs to prioritise which family his loyalties are with, his family of origin or his wife.

Personally I would be disgusted with my husband if he dismissed meals I made with 'cant wait for mammys dinner' etc...

As for the mammy walking in unannounced - absolutely no way in the world. I would lock the doors and not answer. Or Id answer naked and tell her to get lost.

Mammy is in a power struggle here with the OP and the OPs husband is the only one who can break it. He needs to grow up.

I was at a wedding recently where the MIL actually said to the bride, on the wedding day, 'he'll always be mine' - wtf!!

What is wrong with this woman? Does she not want her son to have a happy marriage and someone wo will love him come what ever. Its like some mammys want to live their own lives and then live it again through their childrens.

Sarn

Given that it is upsetting the OP so much, he should cut down on the daily visits. Maybe suggest that he wean himself off gradually. It really will have to come down to a compromise. I could understand frequent visits where the parent was a widow/er and there wasn't much support.

Personally, I have a great relationship with my parents but would only go and visit them every two weeks or so, and they're only a fifteen minute drive away. They have their things to do and I have mine. I certainly wouldn't be too keen on having visitors every evening while I'm trying to unwind after a day in work.

iguana

Daisy M wrote: »

Sometimes I have this fear that I will turn into one of these mammys!! I doubt any woman sets out to become the mother in law from hell especially considering they would have had mother in laws of their own, so how does this happen?

The other day I was in the car with my husband and we were talking to my bump. I told the bump that no-one will ever love you as much as the two of us will and then realisation dawned and I had to add that at least that would be true until he met his future partner. But in my head I was thinking, 'the bitch!':pac: So I might be one of those mammies already and my future daughter in law more than likely hasn't even been conceived yet.

Realistically I think it happens when the mother gets stuck in the role of mother to a young child and can't adapt to the difference of mothering an older child, teen and eventual adult. I suspect that in many cases mothering a younger child gives more of an immediate 'hit' of love and fulfilment. Your child wants you more than anyone in the world and some mothers just keep chasing that feeling instead of evolving to appreciate the sense of love and fulfilment that comes from watching your child grow away from you into an independent adult. They then resent it when their 'baby' finds a partner who comes first and they do whatever they can to assert themselves as their son's priority and to undermine the emotional attachment they see between the couple.

This will usually have one of two outcomes. They actually will undermine the relationship and cause seriously unhealthy problems for their son's adult relationships, which is an awful thing to do as a parent. Or they will push their son away as both he and his partner find the mother very difficult to be around. Whereas the mother who does let go of her son and accepts him as an adult whose priority is his new family, is often more likely to have a much better relationship with her son as he and his partner find her much easier to be around and are more eager to spend time with her.

Ickle Magoo

iguana wrote: »

They actually will undermine the relationship and cause seriously unhealthy problems for their son's adult relationships, which is an awful thing to do as a parent.

I'm very lucky, I have fantastic in-laws and my parents are very independent and arrangement makers, it's just the way they are so no issues there either.

My sister has the very issue you speak of above iguana - with BOTH her in-laws. She got home exhausted after work one day to find her father-in-law on the couch watching telly and sipping a cup of tea. When she realised her husband wasn't home, nobody had been given a key and she'd had to unlock the front door she asked why/how he was there, he started complaining that he'd hurt his leg climbing over the back wall and scraped his belly climbing in through the bathroom window. Boundary issues doesn't even come close to describing it. :eek:

Daisy M

iguana wrote: »

The other day I was in the car with my husband and we were talking to my bump. I told the bump that no-one will ever love you as much as the two of us will and then realisation dawned and I had to add that at least that would be true until he met his future partner. But in my head I was thinking, 'the bitch!':pac: So I might be one of those mammies already and my future daughter in law more than likely hasn't even been conceived yet.

Realistically I think it happens when the mother gets stuck in the role of mother to a young child and can't adapt to the difference of mothering an older child, teen and eventual adult. I suspect that in many cases mothering a younger child is gives more of an immediate 'hit' of love and fulfilment. Your child wants you more than anyone in the world and some mothers just keep chasing that feeling instead of evolving to appreciate the sense of love and fulfilment that comes from watching your child grow away from you into an independent adult. They then resent it when their 'baby' finds a partner who comes first and they do whatever they can to assert themselves as their son's priority and to undermine the emotional attachment they see between the couple.

This will usually have one of two outcomes. They actually will undermine the relationship and cause seriously unhealthy problems for their son's adult relationships, which is an awful thing to do as a parent. Or they will push their son away as both he and his partner find the mother very difficult to be around. Whereas the mother who does let go of her son and accepts him as an adult whose priority is his new family, is often more likely to have a much better relationship with her son as he and his partner find her much easier to be around and are more eager to spend time with her.

I wonder are the mums who behave like this the more traditional sort who gave up working to bring up their children and never returned to the work force? Don't get me wrong I stayed at home long enough, I am only back working the last couple of years, but I wonder is this suffocating behaviour stemming from a lack of personal interests or is it just down to personality?

Giselle

Daisy M wrote: »

I wonder are the mums who behave like this the more traditional sort who gave up working to bring up their children and never returned to the work force? Don't get me wrong I stayed at home long enough, I am only back working the last couple of years, but I wonder is this suffocating behaviour stemming from a lack of personal interests or is it just down to personality?

I definitely think its something to do with a measurement of a womans worth. In the old days all a woman had was being a mother, so the better the mother she was considered, the more value she probably felt she had and the most obvious sign of a 'good' mother was a devoted child, especially a son in those times.

Sadly there were few other sources of self-esteem, so I'd say (totally without any evidence and entirely based on gut feeling) that many women of that generation encouraged this sort of dependence as a form of validation and source of power in an otherwise unappreciative world.

Jimmy Garlic

That is a tough one. Inlaws are always best kept at a distance. You should lay down the law with your husband, tell him to cut the apron strings and wake up to the fact that he is not a 12 year old boy anymore. If you let it continue it will lead to nothing but strife in the long term.

username123

Daisy M wrote: »

What is wrong with this woman? Does she not want her son to have a happy marriage and someone wo will love him come what ever. Its like some mammys want to live their own lives and then live it again through their childrens.

The same woman produced a home baked apple pie on the Sunday visit, having been told that her sons gf (at that time) was baking an apple pie for Sunday and forced her son to choose which was nicest between the two pies.

It sounds funny, but its an absolutely terrible situation for someone to be in. But fundamentally, its the guy at fault. He has to be the one to put the mammy boundaries in place.

iguana

Daisy M wrote: »

I wonder are the mums who behave like this the more traditional sort who gave up working to bring up their children and never returned to the work force? Don't get me wrong I stayed at home long enough, I am only back working the last couple of years, but I wonder is this suffocating behaviour stemming from a lack of personal interests or is it just down to personality?

I think it's more down to personality. My mother was a stay at home mother as much as she loved raising us she also relished seeing us grow up and become adults. She always had plans for her life after she stopped being a full-time parent and could never understand why some people feel like their life is over when their kids move out. She's always really pleased when one of my brothers settles into a relationship and I think she walks the line really well between being welcoming to their girlfriends without being overbearing.

On the other hand I've seen some working mothers display early signs of possible future mother-in-law from hell behaviour when they get genuinely very jealous of their child's attachment to a childminder. And I have friends who's mother in laws were working mothers who are very overbearing and quite clearly jealous of their son's attachment to his wife.

iguana

username123 wrote: »

It sounds funny, but its an absolutely terrible situation for someone to be in. But fundamentally, its the guy at fault. He has to be the one to put the mammy boundaries in place.

I take it her son didn't say he preferred his wife's cake? Which is exactly what she deserved to be told for pulling that type of stunt.

Wibbs

Daisy M wrote: »

I wonder are the mums who behave like this the more traditional sort who gave up working to bring up their children and never returned to the work force? Don't get me wrong I stayed at home long enough, I am only back working the last couple of years, but I wonder is this suffocating behaviour stemming from a lack of personal interests or is it just down to personality?

I dunno D. Yes I reckon there may well be a lot of that going on, I'm just thinking of my experiences and one of the worst examples I've ever seen of the meddling mother with atomic powered apron strings was a very bourgeois, highly educated and professional Parisienne woman. Her daughter was expected to be strong and independent, but her two sons were mollycoddled and groomed to be dependent.

Actually in my convos with her she was a little different(or maybe not). Her admitted take on it was that she was preparing them to be suitably "pliable" until another woman took over. When I pointed out that one of the sons was engaged and she was still in charge, her response was "ah but he didn't pick a strong enough woman". I'd say there's some control element in this alright.

In traditional stylee times and households where women may not have(or had) as much power as the man, the one area they may exercise any power is on the family, children and the home and sometimes the husband when he's in said home. They provide all of that and dont relish losing it to another woman when the time comes. It may not be even the new woman, more the overall loss of power as they see it. They don't apply this nearly as much to the daughters as they in a weird way expect them to find their own partners and families to exercise control. I certainly smelled the whiff of that with the aforementioned French woman's daughter. Quite subtle at first but defo present. Many moons ago experience of an Italian lady was anything but subtle. She'd actually cut my food up for me at mealtimes.:eek::) Oh and make no mistake I nearly bought into that as being "cute". I can be an awful gobshíte for that sorta thing

I could be wrong, but I'd feel Daddieslittlegirlism(which is equally common I've found) is subtly different. More about keeping her pickled in aspic when he was the only man in her life kinda thing?

mackg

iguana wrote: »

I take it her son didn't say he preferred his wife's cake? Which is exactly what she deserved to be told for pulling that type of stunt.

How could an adult be so childish? Coming from a family of very independent children I really struggle to understand how he allowed that. If one of my family tried to undermine someone I cared about like that I'd tell them to where to shove their apple pie and not return until a full apology was made. Saying that they would never pull a stunt like that.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm very lucky, I have fantastic in-laws and my parents are very independent and arrangement makers, it's just the way they are so no issues there either.

My sister has the very issue you speak of above iguana - with BOTH her in-laws. She got home exhausted after work one day to find her father-in-law on the couch watching telly and sipping a cup of tea. When she realised her husband wasn't home, nobody had been given a key and she'd had to unlock the front door she asked why/how he was there, he started complaining that he'd hurt his leg climbing over the back wall and scraped his belly climbing in through the bathroom window. Boundary issues doesn't even come close to describing it. :eek:

It's like "Everybody Loves Raymond" except funny. Seriously though that's so far over the line, does her husband see the problem with it?

lil'bug

have you ever thought about moving? A bit of distance can make a huge difference.
You could end up totally resenting your husband over this.
It just might help cut the apron strings

username123

iguana wrote: »

I take it her son didn't say he preferred his wife's cake? Which is exactly what she deserved to be told for pulling that type of stunt.

He said something totally stupid like he liked his mothers crust but his girlfriends filling - he thought he was being diplomatic, but his girlfriend was furious with him afterwards - obviously. She actually stopped going to his parents home to visit and relations soured a lot between them, the mother then sort of poisoned the other family members against her. Now none of them like her so mammy has won again to a degree, although the guy did man up somewhat after the mother refused to come to the phone when he phoned to tell her he was engaged.