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Boyfriend and my family

  • 21-08-2012 11:24pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49


    I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7 years. I came out to my family about 6 years ago and, overall, they've been very cool with the whole situation. He's met my family as a whole and individually on a number of occasions over the years but there haven't been a huge number of opportunities over the years as we live in Dublin and my family live in different parts of the country.

    Initially, I was just happy that my bf was acknowledged. My parents would ask how is and write his name on the Christmas card and occasionally meet up. Now I'm starting to feel a little bit different.

    I just got back from a lovely dinner with my mum and two sisters and my older sister's boyfriend (they have been going out for less than 2 years). The thing is, when my mum was telling me about this dinner, she never asked if my bf was available to attend, nor did anyone ask about his whereabouts tonight. If it was just myself and my mum meeting up for dinner it wouldn't be an issue, but the fact that my sister's boyfriend was invited and my boyfriend wasn't, it kind of got me worked up. I do realise that it's a different situation (and my boyfriend isn't Irish so there is a culture difference there), but I'm still peeved.

    It just seems that my sister's boyfriend has been so readily accepted into the family whereas my boyfriend of more than 7 years hasn't. It got me wondering about what would happen if one of my sister's were to marry, Would he even be invited? I attended his brother's wedding a few years ago and his family were so nice. I was seated at the top table (I think I took the place of some uncle!).

    I think I just needed a bit of a rant but if anyone can offer advice or words of wisdom. I know that I really should talk to my mum about it but I feel like because she has been so great about me being gay that I can't question her about this.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,479 ✭✭✭Doop


    Theres only really one thing you can do and thats to ask your mum/sister about it. You can of course do this in a non-confrontational way. A partner of 7 years is a pretty serious partner be they gay / straight / otherwise.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    Talk to your Mum. Simple as.

    There may well be two sides to it - she might be leaving it to you to integrate him more, your sister could have insisted upon bringing her bf etc. you won't know till you talk to her though.

    And also, you shouldn't feel that you are in debt in any way to your mother for her "accepting" you being gay. It's not like you have done anything wrong or that she is doing you a favour.

    And if she is great about it all, then you should be able to expect the same treatment as the rest of the family.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    brambo wrote: »
    I just got back from a lovely dinner with my mum and two sisters and my older sister's boyfriend
    The thing is, when my mum was telling me about this dinner, she never asked if my bf was available to attend, nor did anyone ask about his whereabouts tonight.

    There's a rather large discrepancy there brambo.
    Were I in your shoe's, I'd be asking straight out why your partner was not invited.
    In fact, how come you didn't ask when your Mam suggested dinner in the first place?

    Let's be straight up here, when a partner is accepted by your family, it is automatically assumed that where you go, so does your other half.
    If I were to meet my parents without my hubby, they would at the very least ask where he was.

    You say your mother has been great about accepting you are gay.
    I'd be of the opinion that she's perhaps not as great as you initially thought.

    Either way, you won't know until you ask her and you absolutely should.
    Seven years is a long time to be with someone and it should be quite clear to your family that he is your life partner and just as important as everyone else's boyfriend/husband.

    Have you ever thought about getting married?
    Just asking.
    Cos that would certainly send out a clear message to all your family.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    I'd ask her how come they didn't invite your boyfriend but they invited your sisters boyfriend.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49 brambo


    Thanks for the replies. I'm going to have to talk to her. Next time I'm at home I'll have a chat with her.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 522 ✭✭✭Conor30


    The advice given in this thread is perfectly fine. However, personally, I wouldn't be quite so confrontational about the issue with my mother and family.
    I'd just calmly say to my mother (with a smile) "Oh that was a lovely dinner, thanks very much, and it was nice to see (sister's name)'s boyfriend but next time we've a dinner I expect (OP's boyfriend's name) will also be there as it'd be only right and proper" and then see your mam's reaction. That'll tell you a lot about how she's feeling about your relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Conor30 wrote: »
    The advice given in this thread is perfectly fine. However, personally, I wouldn't be quite so confrontational about the issue with my mother and family.
    I'd just calmly say to my mother (with a smile) "Oh that was a lovely dinner, thanks very much, and it was nice to see (sister's name)'s boyfriend but next time we've a dinner I expect (OP's boyfriend's name) will also be there as it'd be only right and proper" and then see your mam's reaction. That'll tell you a lot about how she's feeling about your relationship.

    Yes good idea

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,005 ✭✭✭JH_raheny


    next time don't say anything, just rock up at the door with him holding hands and a big smile on your faces :-)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 579 ✭✭✭cartell_best


    Parents are a mad thing! They really are the best. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about what they think and feel because they will instictively react. I honestly wouldn't be overly concerned about facial expressions or knee jerk reactions, because even though we know our Mam & Dad, most of us know, they (esp our mam) know how our mind ticks and they wouldn't hurt us intentionally. In any given situation, just go with what you feel, not with what you've seen.


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