Need advice re exhusbands feelings

Smothered mum

I need a little help or some words of advice please? Sorry for the length.


I was married for 18 years, we have a beautiful family with really great kids. Our marriage became very difficult for me because my husband insisted on wanting to do everything with me, all the time. No matter what I tried to do for myself, before I realised what was happening, I would discover he was involved in it too. We always got on great, always good friends, but as the years wore on, I felt more and more smothered and he became more and more possessive. We had tried to work on our problems, counselling and talking things through, but it never seemed to improve.

Sadly the marriage ended at a time when I least expected it, it came as a huge blow two years ago. It was tough on both of us for the first year trying to deal with new lives apart from each other but as the time wore on, I really began to feel so much better in myself, happier than I had done in a long time, content. I thought he was doing okay for himself too, he seemed happier in himself too for a while.

Our friendship built up again and we became good friends like we had been. But I had made it clear that I was happier being single now and that I had no intention of ever being with anyone again. I don’t have time anyway, there is just always so many other things that I would like to be able to accomplish, things I have put off for years.

In May of this year, I was dealt another massive blow. I was literally heartbroken, I cried and cried for days, it was something that I just did not know how to deal with and still struggle with today. One day while in tears yet again during the height of my heartbreak, my ex-husband informs me that he still loves me very much and that he will wait for me for as long as it takes. I was floored. I was shocked and I was unbelievably confused. I walked away to calm myself and tried to clear my head but I knew that there was no way I would ever go back into a marriage with him again. I was not in love with him. So I felt honesty was the best and told him so. I didn’t want to have any crossed wires or confusion; I needed him to understand that we would not be together again. He said he understood and was deeply sorry for landing such a huge thing on my shoulders right at a time when I couldn’t deal with it.

This is now August and things have not improved. He has been behaving like we are teenagers, texting me all the time, calling to the house every day with some excuse or other, sitting for hours on end in the house as if he still lived here, even though he has his own home now. He has been flirting with me and even if I sit to the computer at night, he somehow knows I am online and will start sending me messages, just to chat.

I can’t deal with anymore heartache. I don’t want to fight anymore. I have enough of it all and I am so tired! I am a very private person, I don’t have many friends so feel so isolated and alone right now. I don’t have a girlfriend close enough to share this stuff with or to ask for advice. I feel like I am being suffocated again and there isn’t anyone who even recognises it. I have been so careful not to give him the wrong ideas or any encouragement whatsoever, but I think he and I both realise that right now in my life, I don’t have many people to turn to. He knows I’m alone most of the time and whether he feels sorry for me or is still in love as he says, I don’t know, but I feel worse now than I did when we first separated.

The thing that’s killing me most now is that I have been working very hard towards a personal goal for the last two years. Now he has a goal too, identical to mine. He hasn’t changed at all.

Gooner111

Other posters will probably have better replies to offer but here is mine anyway....

If you really want to remain friends then you have to tell him that you can't cope with things as they stand - spell it out for him what is acceptable. Create boundries. Tell him that the current situation is way too much - maybe meet for a coffee once or twice a week if you want to stay friends.

Honestly I don't think staying friends is good for either of you (at this time). He has told you he is in love with you and my guess is that by constant contact he hopes (regardless of what your telling him) that eventually you'll change your mind, instead your feeling suffocated again. And while you think your not giving him hope, you are. You know that he loves you and by talking to him/relying on him he has hope. As things stand neither of you can move on properly.

I think in this case cutting all contact would be best for both of you. You could join some local groups and try make some new friends. You state you've a few personal goals so maybe there are some groups associated with those - meet people of like mind.

Catari Jaguar

Constant mind games with him. Just be firm and tell him he's making you uncomfortable, he's smothering you and if he doesnt back off you'll have to cut him out and you won't even be able to remain friends. If it's FB you're talking about, just make yourself appear offline on chat. Tell him you have/ are expecting company if he stops by, he might think it's male company and pick up the hint. And like previous poster, try to join a class or activity to meet people. Are your kids still in school? Are you friendly with any of the other parents/ involved in school comittee?

daisybelle2008

OP make your no.1 priority getting out and getting a social circle. It can be done at any age. Friendship with him is not healthy for you (or him) because he has an agenda beyond friendship. You need to stop sparing his feelings and put yourself number one. His agenda will suffocate you. Move on.

Piliger

Hi OP.

Lots of good advice above.

You have just been way way too nice with this man. I am not saying he is a bad guy or anything, but when we break up we need to 'break' up. In your case you got divorced but you never established the 'break' part.

You need to sit down and write out a list of things you have to do ... and do them now.

At the top:

- NO more visiting the house, at all. He can come to the address to collect the kids for the visits, but wait in the car.
- NO more texts and phone calls. Stop answering them TOTALLY and give him a week to comply. If he doesn't, then visit your local Garda and talk to a female detective.
- Call your friends and family and start getting out of the house regularly to see them, go for drinks, dance classes.
- Sit the kids down and tell them that things have to change because you are not happy with the way things are. Explain the new set up. Explain that this is the way things have to be now. Explain that your house is now ONLY for you and them, and not for their Dad who is now living elsewhere and they will see plenty of him ... but NOT in your house.

You need to start doing these kinds of things now. No compromises, no exceptions.

Best of luck.

Smothered mum

Thank you everyone, I guess your all right in what you've said and its time to put a stop to this once and for all.

Just wish I wasn't in this position yet again...