Still not over an ex after 2 years?

LegacyUser

I need some advice. Two years ago, after weeks of treating me with indifference, my ex boyfriedn broke up with me. At the time I was in shock, and a bit of denial. Although we had only been going out for c. 7 months, we had known eachother for nearly 5 years and were making plans to go travelling etc. When he broke up with me, I told him to never contact me again...but secretly I wished that he would so that I could either take him back or tell him where to go (varied depending on how bitter I was feeling!)
Since then, I have moved to the other side of the world and have had a few short term, uncomplicated relationships...but all the while I have thought about him, more than I ever thought I would. In a way I think it may be because I feel like I have one up on him because I went travelling while he's still at home in Ireland, but it almost doesn't count because I don't know what he thinks of it all, or even if he knows!
I haven't seen him or been in contact with him since we broke up, now I'm beginning to think that maybe seeing him one last time would have given me "closure"? What do you think? I really don't want to be here, starting a new life while I'm still stuck on a new relationship.

Ellsbells

confused_in_nz wrote: »

I'm beginning to think that maybe seeing him one last time would have given me "closure"?

I think 2 years of not hearing from him is closure.... You are choosing not to move on and to wallow in the breakup. its easy to make life stand still and to torture ourselves and in fact, it easier to do this for years rather than face reality and get over our hurdles.

Closure is an illusion. You have your closure and in reality you just want to contact him to see if he is still thinking of you and what he thinks of your new life. why do you care? Why are you wasting years of your life on a guy who has shown no interest when you could be in a new loving relationship. Its mind over matter. Decide to be over him and move on. good luck.

Priori

You need to work on the reasons why you still feel the need to contact him. I think Ellsbells is right in saying that closure is an illusion; often it is. You need to make an effort to control your thoughts on a minute to minute basis, and resist the urge to dwell in the past. Sometimes, depending on the strength and pull of the past, this isn't easy. But if you perservere, your feelings will soon fall into line with your thinking.

daisybelle2008

Hi OP, Closure is an inside job. It is the point at which you accept it is over. It definitely should not require you seeing someone who broke up with 2 years ago and never contacted you again.
Have you considered counselling, your life seems unnecessarily on hold for a very long time. It might kick start you to move on.

Roisy7

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Hi OP, Closure is an inside job. It is the point at which you accept it is over.

This times 100.

Perhaps it's more than the ex himself than what he represented? I found it really, really hard to get over my first boyfriend because he represented (what I thought) love meant, and I felt like no-one could ever match up.

Clearly you knew him for a long time, so there was a mourning period for a friendship as well as the relationship, then of course the dream of travelling together which died with the end of the relationship too.

It's easy to wallow and grieve, it's been two years and the pain seems comforting now, it's been with you so long. But you know you must move on. He is not going to give you closure. He has moved on- I know that's harsh but it's true.

Set a date, the sooner the better. Stay at home that night, write him a letter. Tear it up, or burn it. Take anything of his you might still have, get rid of it. Delete any songs from your iPod that reminds you of him. Then after doing whatever you need to do to purge yourself physically of him, remind yourself that it is over.

Put it this way; you are the one living the dream, not him. He's still on this miserable island Why would you want him to know or care what you're doing anymore? You're not part of his life, not he of yours. Think of the experiences you've had and people you've met in the last two years that he has no part of. You are no longer in each other's frame of reference, and I'm sure that is no bad thing.

Counselling would be good, even just a few sessions. What I think would be even more beneficial would be a course in mindfulness. Mindfulness allows you to acknowledge the thoughts you are experiencing but allows you to pull back into your centre, letting them go. Yes, it sounds quite hippy-dippy, but the important thing to note is your thoughts are not you, and your mind is not always your friend. It really works.

By the way OP, take your time finding someone else. It's ok to be single. Good luck, I wish you the best.

Jason Todd

Roisy7 wrote: »

By the way OP, take your time finding someone else. It's ok to be single. Good luck, I wish you the best.

+1