Feeling like a boring auld wan

mrsscott

Ok not sure if this is one for the ladies lounge or personal issues.... But here goes, and mods feel free to move.

So late twenties married lady here, living a few hours from my home place, lived in dub for a few years also. Couple of hours away fromall my family, my best friend and other older friends that I had in college, earlier working life etc.

Where I live now we have a fair few friends but I wouldn't feel really close to them- as in people to have a bit of a heart to heart with, or people you can get absolutely plastered with, or that you can laugh so hard that it hurts with.

Lately I've been trying to get my best friend to come to visit for a couple of days (last time she came to my house was Christmas) where as I've been to see her where she lives 7 or 8 timesthis year.

Now thing is she has so many groups of friends she is a very busy person and tries to spend time with them all and make time for her boyfriend too. But she told me a few weeks ago she was free for most of sept. Yet when she checked work and other stuff she has on she's only free two days, and as it happens they don't suit me. So yet again she won't be down to visit. And will make it nearly a full year since she last visited. Sorta feels like she makes more effort for other people and possibly doesn't care that much about me anymore.

Also I never seem to have anything interesting to say to anyone anymore or seem to have a laugh in general like I used to. Even withy hubby - so really I'm feeling like a boring ould sh**e lately who nobody wants to be friends with.

Is this just something that happens as you get older and marry or us it just me???

gara

I'm pretty sure being married shouldn't stop you from having friends -something about not putting all your eggs in one basket

mathepac

I've often wondered do people who use the t-word above realise that it is just another version of the c-word that women (at least women I know) find so offensive and vulgar?

I'm sure OP didn't realise and by the same token would not have used the c-word to refer to herself in any shape make or form.

confuseddotcom

I was actually going to reply about the Title too as I would have associated the term "twat" with someone acting stupidly, another word for a "git" perhaps. And wondered why being boring was being associated with being stupid. Would like to think (hope?! ) that I amn't stupid! But didn't want to go off-topic. Alas amn't married O.P. so have no advice to give. Maybe try and arrange to have a few couples from your locality over for a bite to eat and have it in each other's houses every few weeks and yez might strike up a friendship with the other girls that way?

mrsscott

Ok sorry bout the title, mods can it be changed please. I tried to edit it, but can't find how on the iPhone site.

Didn't mean to cause offense, should have said " boring auld wan".

mrsscott

@gara - thanks for your reply.

However I do try to make new friends, and I do have several friends where I'm living now (all early to mid 30s also- I'm very late 20s) but for some reason I can't get REALLY close to them, as in have a proper heart to heart or being able to laugh so hard your sides hurt with them, or even feel comfortable to have a little cry with etc

Das Kitty

I didn't find the title offensive

Anyway, OP.

I reckon you have to stop looking to the past like you were with your best mate. It could be holding you back from making some really good friendships where you live now.

Ask some of your new friends out for a drink, open up a bit to them and they will do the same in return.

It's not easy to move away from established friendships, but try to see it as an opportunity rather than a problem.

puffishoes

People drift away..get on with making new pals in the area you're in now. people tend to get caught up in their own lives and it's especially difficult when you;re not living close.

mathepac

mathepac wrote: »

I've often wondered do people who use the t-word above realise that it is just another version of the c-word that women (at least women I know) find so offensive and vulgar?

I'm sure OP didn't realise and by the same token would not have used the c-word to refer to herself in any shape make or form.

mathepac, your post is off topic and pretty condescending. The Ladies of the Ladies' Lounge do not need to be told what should offend them. When you have an issue with a post, you should report it and then let the mods deals with it. Please refrain from posting any further off topic posts in this thread

The title has been changed as per the OPs request.

borderlinemeath

mrsscott wrote: »

@gara - thanks for your reply.

However I do try to make new friends, and I do have several friends where I'm living now (all early to mid 30s also- I'm very late 20s) but for some reason I can't get REALLY close to them, as in have a proper heart to heart or being able to laugh so hard your sides hurt with them, or even feel comfortable to have a little cry with etc

It takes time and effort to build up a proper friendship like you describe above, it doesn't just happen overnight. We probably divulged a hell of a lot more in a shorter timeframe to our friends growing up because we didn't have a husband/partner as a confidant & highly likely didn't share your innermost secrets and thoughts with your parents. So those friendships bonded far quicker than anything you would make now.

I think from my point of view as an adult I've learned to be more guarded, not to give away too much information, in case it comes back to haunt me. If you've ever been double crossed by a friend you considered close, it will always be a lesson in life. I've had a few situations like that and I've learned from them so I can see why people don't want to 'commit' to friendships lightly.

Best thing to do with your new friends is to be just that, a friend. If they need you, be there for them and friendships can grow and develop at their own pace.

Honey-ec

OP, your situation sounds quite similar to mine when I was married. Living a good hour and a half's drive away from my family and friends. Had a few casual friends where we were living, but nothing like my friendships from home. I constantly felt like I was the one having to make the effort to drive to Dublin if I wanted to see anyone, sometimes it felt like I was having to drag people down to us once or twice a year. It didn't help that I was working in Dublin so spending three hours a day commuting, five days a week. I just felt like I was living on a conveyor-belt at times - up in the morning, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed - day in, day out.

You haven't mentioned whether you work or not, and if so, whether it's locally or you commute. Tbh, I think the fact that I worked in Dublin made it more difficult for me to feel settled in our town - I was constantly looking to Dublin for work and socialising. Spending 15 hours a week in your car, bare minimum, can also mean you're too bloody wrecked to want to do anything come the weekend.

Anyway, my marriage broke up and I'm back living in Dublin, so I'm probably not the best person to be offering you advice here, but I will say a few things:

- You can't force your friends to come and visit you, unfortunately. All you can do is extend the invitation. I would maybe tell her how hurtful you find the fact that she never makes the effort, though.

- Stop looking to your home town constantly. After we split, my husband told me that he felt I cared more about my life with my family than our life together.

- If you can, join a sports team or *something* in your local area. You'll never feel like part of the community unless you get involved. You'll find that a great social scene will follow from this.

- If you're not working, would you maybe look into getting a job, or even volunteering somewhere? I can only imagine how isolating it must be to stay at home all day in a town where you don't really feel at home.

Best of luck, whatever you do.

mrsscott

Thanks honeyec, that helps. To answer your questions I do take part in a sport here, that's how I made the friends that I have. They are great friends but wouldn't be just as boisterous as I am. But I will def try and make more of an effort with them. Also I do work where I'm living now.

When you said about having to drag your family and friends from home to visit ye - that's exactly how I feel and it is very hurtfull. I put in a huge amount of effort to see my family and older friends and go back at least once a month, so it sorta feels like a slap on the face or they don't care. At thus stage I feel like giving up on them all.

Honeyec - did you ever say to your family/ friends how much it annoyed you that you had to drag them to you, and what was their reaction?

puffishoes

Honey-ec wrote: »

- You can't force your friends to come and visit you, unfortunately. All you can do is extend the invitation. I would maybe tell her how hurtful you find the fact that she never makes the effort, though.

I would avoid that you don't want to make people feel like their guilted into coming down. something also to keep in mind things like petrol etc are gone through the roof so i can be become very expensive travelling.

As you said she has a large circle of friends and a job and a boy friend. I live 30 minutes from a close friend and with all the above we've often gone 10 months or so without managing to catch up.

keep making yourself available but in the mean time i'd just get on with your life as she is hers.

Honey-ec

mrsscott wrote: »

Honeyec - did you ever say to your family/ friends how much it annoyed you that you had to drag them to you, and what was their reaction?

Yeah, I used to mention it the odd time. They were looking at it that it made more sense for my ex and I to drive to Dublin and see all of them rather than several carloads of them coming up to the two of us. I could see where they were coming from but it still got frustrating at times. As I said, I spent 15 hours a week commuting, the last thing I wanted to do at the weekend was get back into the car and drive to Dublin yet again...

shellygirll

I think sometimes a friendship just runs it course, even the best of friends can find themselves on different paths and grow apart. I wouldn't be too hard on your friend, it sounds like your friendship is changing even though you would like it to be tighter.

I'm Australia and moved here 6 years ago, have closer friends in Australia and American but not really here in Ireland. Sometimes I think i need to try harder to form friendships here but the woman around my area have their close friendships from years before and although friendly with me, I'm really just on the side. I live in the country and have been told it's very clicky so maybe it's that. My 'best' friend in America is very much like you and wants me to make more of an effort to go and see her. To be honest as much as I still value the friendship with her, I do see that it's becoming more of a 'hassle' and a serious expense and sometimes would like her to accept that our friendship is not like it once was before I moved to Ireland, started a business and had a baby. I'm wondering if maybe this is how your friend might be feeling. She's concentrating on life where she is, where as because you haven't connected with anyone in the close way you would like you're holding onto her friendship and the memory of what it was like when you were closer.

Lastly, could the reason you not feeling as if you have anything decent to say or to laugh about be because you feel 'bored' with life. You're not connecting with the right people (for you) and you're feeling blah. I sometimes feel like this and its those occasions when I start to feel I need to reach out to make better friends here or 'do' something different. Sometimes I think life is so damn boring and when you're fun loving, boisterous and bubbly etc you like your life to be a little more fun and adventurous so a 'normal' life can feel like it's choking you.

I don't know if this is making sense, hope so. Hopefully I haven't gone off subject too much, I'm new to this and its the first time I've posted a reply so I don't know the rules.

mrsscott

@shellygirll - yes your post makes alot of sense. I would consideryself a fun loving person and suppose I do feel a bit blah about life.

I have decided to make more of an effort with my friends here even if they're not as boisterous as me.

But I'm not giving up on my best friends friendship - especially as we are cousins.