Bullied in childhood, still stirred up

LegacyUser

Going un-reg'd for this one

So I was bullied, badly through primary and the first part of secondary. Suddenly today, a "you might know..." thing came up on facebook and every single one of the 4 people on the suggested friends list were my tormentors, who are in one way or another mutual friends. 2 other guys who bullied me are actually honest to god friends, somehow in senior cycle and college we came to respect eachother, and actually enjoy hanging out.

This wasn't simple name calling, it was beatings, day after day until one day it petered out.

Seeing those photos affected me in a way i didn't think it would, i'm successful in my adult life, from my facebook snooping, far more so than these guys . I'm happily married, well on the way up the ladder in a fulfilling career and about to re-emigrate (initially went 4 years ago, now moving on to a third country from there with my present company)

....but seeing these photos, i'm suddenly the 15 year old again

Does anyone know how I can move pass this? I thought I had, but 14 years later, evidently not

Kimia

Hey Op, the way you're feeling is completely understandable. You are feeling the feelings of a 15 year old because you probably didn't deal with your emotions at the time as they were too painful to face. Sometimes when we are younger our mind finds ways to protect us from intense emotional pain and so they were buried, only to resurface again when you say these photos.

Being bullied is a terrible thing, and in my opinion the worse part of all is that the victim takes on the blame and the responsibility, almost thinking that somehow the bullying was justified in some way, and so absorbs all that humiliation and shame as if it was somehow their fault. When you're younger, even into your late teens and early 20's, you tend to look at life from a very self-absorbed place (we all do - totally normal). So this is why you can see why young victims of bullying internalize all that shame/humiliation as something they must have deserved.

You as an adult can now use your logic and maturity and get angry and say with conviction that it should not have happened and that you didn't deserve it.

It sounds like you have gotten past it mostly, you have a good life and a good family and sound happy enough. I would advise you to write down the way your feelings bubble up when you think back to that difficult time. Think about how you're feeling emotionally and just write it all down. Then view it with your adult eyes. You may get some good perspective that way.

The very best of luck to you.

edellc

I had a hard time too in school and like you when confronted with the tormentor in adult life I felt that I regressed to my 15yr old self, which is never good. The first time it happened I walked away from the situation and was angry at myself for not being the adult that I am and letting the situation go back to school days (I meet the tormentor face to face). So I did as above I wrote down how I felt as my 15yr old self and viewed it with my adult eyes and had a better perspective on it and I ran through what had happened in my head and how if the situation was repeated I should have reacted. Then I felt prepared for an encounter should it happen again.

Years later, it did...I ran into her however this time I was actually prepared and made sure to control my breathing and be me the grown up me, and it was actually a very empowering situation as I really couldnt get over how childish she was and it was funny as she actually wanted to stand there bragging about her life and how she was still was in touch with this one and that one from school and running another down who in school she idolised. I however was in a rush - honest , I had to get to work so I was fairly dismissive of her and was direct about how nasty she was being regarding her alleged school friend, she was quite taken aback and gobsmacked, told her I got to run and walked away with a huge smile on my face,was thrilled.

OP most of us at some point experience nastiness from someone which varies in scale, as a child we dont have the confidence or skill set to deal with them, but as life goes on and we grow into ourselves we know what is acceptable and what isnt and when a bully in school remains a bully in adult life they are more to be pitied than anything else as they clearly havent the mental capacity to grow.

You seen their pictures on facebook and have had a snoop, you have them on your mind but thankfully they havent been near you in the flesh, so think of the you at 15 and the you now and how if you did actually run into them how you would handle it, as for them as suggested friends on FB just hit the x beside their pic and they are gone, and good riddance to them. But you have to mourn that 15yr old and all the feelings that went with the bullying and feel sad for him but you have to let go, never forget but let go of the emotional baggage it has left and be thankful that you are who you are today, those experiences where not nice but they have help mould who you are today and the inner strength you have, so mourn the old you but celebrate the grown up you .