Who is in the wrong (if anyone)? *Warning - Trivial Issue*

LegacyUser

This is an odd (and quite trivial compared to others here) situation but here goes:

I am a 21 girl and have been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now. We are from the same hometown but are in different colleges and lead fairly independent lives while also spending as much time together as we can/want to (we're not a fan of the whole every minute together thing.)

In college my best friend is a guy and we are pretty close. We'll talk to each other about pretty much everything and will text a good bit. I see him as my SGBF (Straight Gay best Friend) and nothing more. Unfortunately my boyfriend and him don't really see eye to eye. I think there is a bit of jealousy between them. I have spoken to them both and it seems to have been ironed out a little but I don't think that it is 100% over.

Recently he invited me to his dad's 60th birthday party. He lives in another county and is a good bus journey away. I have gotten the impression that a good few of this guy's friends have been invited. However my boyfriend was not invited (not directly anyway).

Personally I saw no problem with this. My boyfriend probably wouldn't want to go anyway and he wouldn't really know many people if he did whereas I would know more. But when I mentioned this to my mum she seemed to get quite offended by it. She feels that my boyfriend should automatically get an invite as my boyfriend and I kind of got the impression that I shouldn't go without him. My boyfriend did react oddly when I told him about the invite but I took that more as a reaction to being invited to the dad's party.

If I go to the party alone am I wrong to? Is my friend wrong for not inviting my boyfriend? Is my mum wrong with her reaction? Is this all a stupid teenage mess?

I know this all seems stupid but since my mum's reaction to it all I have really started to worry. There is already problems between my boyfriend and friend and really the last thing I need is more issues.

Ickle Magoo

Do you want to go on your own or with your boyfriend? I'd not get too worked up about what your mother thinks "should" be happening if both you and your boyfriend are happy with the arrangement.

If you do want your boyfriend to go, could you not just drop your friend a line and ask if you could bring your boyfriend along? I'm not sure how formal an occasion it is but I'd imagine the majority of birthday parties are more flexible than something like a wedding.

All the best.

The Big Red Button

If your friend and boyfriend have never seen eye to eye, I see no reason why your friend would want to invite him to a family party!

However, it's perfectly understandable that he'd invite you, as you're a close friend of his.

You've said that you know other people there - chances are, you'd have a great night out at the party. And, as you've mentioned, yourself and your boyfriend aren't the type of couple who live in each others' pockets anyways (and personally I think that's the best way to have it!!)

In this case I wouldn't worry too much about what your mam thinks - she's from a different generation, it might have been seen as some sort of a "slur" back in the day to invite one person without their partner, but it's not like that now. It's not even your friends party - it's his dad's - and, in either case, it wouldn't be right for your friend to feel obliged to invite someone he didn't even get on with!

To avoid any drama or negative feeling, I'd think it would be best to plan to go on your own (as you said, you will know others there.) No point in making a fuss about having your boyfriend come along, if he wouldn't even enjoy it anyways!

If your boyfriend says that he has a problem with you going to the party, well you can deal with it then. I'd be surprised if he had a problem, though - if he's not even close friends with a person, he's hardly going to expect to be invited to the father's birthday party?!

Neyite

Possibly your mum is thinking:

(a) This friend has "designs" on you, as he (a hetro male) is inviting you to an event in another county (overnight stay)without your boyfriend. Either that or
(b) she feels that if a woman gets invited anywhere she should be given a +1, similar to a wedding.

Either way, its no harm to talk to your boyfriend. He may be thinking along the lines of (a) above too.

tbh

seems a bit weird that you'd be invited to a family occasion by a straight, single guy who's not your boyfriend, without your boyfriend.

The Big Red Button

tbh wrote: »

seems a bit weird that you'd be invited to a family occasion by a straight, single guy who's not your boyfriend, without your boyfriend.

See I wouldn't see it that way, at all.

She's 21.

When I think back to any invitations I had to 21st birthday parties, when I was that age, they would have always been to me, not to me "plus one."

If my boyfriend at the time knew the person, then he'd get an invite addressed to himself. If the person didn't happen to know my boyfriend - then why would he be invited?! It's not like a wedding.

I'd view this occasion on similar terms.

It might be different if she didn't know anyone else going - but she does.

username123

silly_problem wrote: »

I see him as my SGBF (Straight Gay best Friend) and nothing more.

But what does he see you as?

Personally speaking, seeing as Im now married to the SGBF that I had through my late teens and early 20s, there is no such thing as a SGBF and if you are hanging around with a straight single guy, texting a lot, confiding in, and being invited to parties by him - he is into you and waiting for an opportunity to get with you.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Do you want to go on your own or with your boyfriend? I'd not get too worked up about what your mother thinks "should" be happening if both you and your boyfriend are happy with the arrangement.

If you do want your boyfriend to go, could you not just drop your friend a line and ask if you could bring your boyfriend along? I'm not sure how formal an occasion it is but I'd imagine the majority of birthday parties are more flexible than something like a wedding.

All the best.

I do want to go on my own because I know the problems between my boyfriend and friend. I know that they get on better now but I still don't think it would be that fair to my friend to bring my boyfriend up. I also know that I'll have to stay with my boyfriend the whole night if I bring him up because he won't know as many people as I will.

username123 wrote: »

But what does he see you as?

Personally speaking, seeing as Im now married to the SGBF that I had through my late teens and early 20s, there is no such thing as a SGBF and if you are hanging around with a straight single guy, texting a lot, confiding in, and being invited to parties by him - he is into you and waiting for an opportunity to get with you.

Seeing as I have spent a lot of time helping him through his own girlfriend issues, giving him advice many of times I'd like to think that he only sees me as a friend. In fact I am as sure as I can be about it. If he was looking for an opportunity I'm sure that he would have found one before now.

I will reiterate that I am not the only friend being invited to this party. I know that a good few of his friends are as well.

ash23

Recently he invited me to his dad's 60th birthday party. He lives in another county and is a good bus journey away. I have gotten the impression that a good few of this guy's friends have been invited. However my boyfriend was not invited (not directly anyway).

So has he invited other friends or not? Where will you be staying when you go to this party?

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

So has he invited other friends or not? Where will you be staying when you go to this party?

Yes he has. I'll be staying in his house, on the floor somewhere, as I have before.

ash23

OK, well I guess if I'm honest then I wouldn't be comfortable with my boyfriend having a very close female friend who invite him and not me to events and where he stayed in her house.
I would also raise an eyebrow if I were looking at this (in the same way your mother is).
Your fella isn't actually saying you can or can't go so I think he's being fair enough. I think your friend should have invited your boyfriend especially as you have asked them both to try to get along.

It's not really about who is right. Fundamentally, from a relationship perspective, all you need to worry about is how your boyfriend feels, not how others perceive it. And if I'm honest, from your posts you don't seem to really be too bothered about him and his feelings in all this, being more concerned about your friends feelings than your boyfriends. But then again, maybe your boyfriend was a total jerk to him. Hard to know.

Jame Gumb

You're an established couple. Not inviting your boyfriend is bad form.

The whole "staying in the floor in yer man's house" thing is a bit odd too.

I think you're being insensitive vis a vis your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

seems a bit weird that you'd be invited to a family occasion by a straight, single guy who's not your boyfriend, without your boyfriend.

I don't see it as weird at all. Back when I was 21 and in college a bunch of us were invited [8 - 2 girls including me and 6 guys not counting the guy inviting us] to Kerry [from Dublin] for a birthday party for the GF of one of the guys in the class. A few people in the class weren't invited as the guy in question wasn't as friendly with them including my OH - it was a large class so it wasn't seen as a snub but just a simple fact that he didn't spend any time with this guy so why would he want to spend the money traveling to the other side of the country, giving up his whole weekend to attend the birthday party for someone he didn't know and hanging out with a guy he didn't like all that much. Like the OP myself and the OH didn't live in each others pockets and it never even crossed my mind not to go because he wasn't going and he never said anything to me about not going. I went and had a great weekend.


[Just for the record was with OH for another year, broke up because we both moved to different countries and didn't want to do the long distance thing so going away for the weekend with a bunch of male friends was not the cause of ending of said relationship]

MJ23

I wouldn't be very happy if i was the boyfriend. How would you like it if it was the other way around and he was all pally with a girl ?
I've said this before and have been cut down on it before, but most of the time, men and women can't be friends. More often than not, the fella will be looking to make a move. Plus, the women love the attention.
I bet you're a bit flattered by your boyfriend and your 'friend' not getting along ?

username123

silly_problem wrote: »

Seeing as I have spent a lot of time helping him through his own girlfriend issues, giving him advice many of times I'd like to think that he only sees me as a friend. In fact I am as sure as I can be about it. If he was looking for an opportunity I'm sure that he would have found one before now.

Yeah I used to do all that too.

I used to think it was totally grand having these best buddies who were boys and that it wasnt hurting anyones feelings etc..... (I had more than one of them over the years btw).

But it doesnt work for 2 reasons.
1 - no bf of yours is going to accept playing second fiddle to the SGBF (and rightly so)
2 - usually, even though you will strenuously deny it (and maybe he will too right now), he is waiting to pounce (seriously, ask him in 10 or 15 years time what his real intentions were at this time).

Thats not to say you cant have male friends, course you can, but this business of the selective invite to a party, staying over in his place etc..... It doesnt work.

You basically need to choose one of them to prioritise, and if that one isnt your boyfriend then there is no point in being with him.

LegacyUser

Jame Gumb wrote: »

You're an established couple. Not inviting your boyfriend is bad form.

The whole "staying in the floor in yer man's house" thing is a bit odd too.

I think you're being insensitive vis a vis your boyfriend.

While I sort of see what you're saying, where am I expected to stay otherwise? My boyfriend has stayed on plenty of people's floors before. Male and female. Why can't I?

MJ23 wrote: »

I wouldn't be very happy if i was the boyfriend. How would you like it if it was the other way around and he was all pally with a girl ?
I've said this before and have been cut down on it before, but most of the time, men and women can't be friends. More often than not, the fella will be looking to make a move. Plus, the women love the attention.
I bet you're a bit flattered by your boyfriend and your 'friend' not getting along ?

He is all pally with girls. Some of his best friends are girls and he has lived with all girls before. I trust him and see them as just friends.

Flattered? Not in the slightest. In fact it really upset me for ages. All I wanted was for them to get along and it killed me that the two most important people in my life didn't get on. I find it offensive that you would even say that to be honest.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Yeah I used to do all that too.

I used to think it was totally grand having these best buddies who were boys and that it wasnt hurting anyones feelings etc..... (I had more than one of them over the years btw).

But it doesnt work for 2 reasons.
1 - no bf of yours is going to accept playing second fiddle to the SGBF (and rightly so)
2 - usually, even though you will strenuously deny it (and maybe he will too right now), he is waiting to pounce (seriously, ask him in 10 or 15 years time what his real intentions were at this time).

Thats not to say you cant have male friends, course you can, but this business of the selective invite to a party, staying over in his place etc..... It doesnt work.

You basically need to choose one of them to prioritise, and if that one isnt your boyfriend then there is no point in being with him.

My boyfriend has and always will be my priority. There was never a question of that.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the three posts in a row but just to add:

I just texted my boyfriend asking for his totally honest opinion. what he said to me was that he has no problem with me being invited as it is a group thing but would (understandably) if I was the only one being invited and tbh I would have an issue with it then too.

tbh

silly_problem wrote: »

Sorry for the three posts in a row but just to add:

I just texted my boyfriend asking for his totally honest opinion. what he said to me was that he has no problem with me being invited as it is a group thing but would (understandably) if I was the only one being invited and tbh I would have an issue with it then too.

Well then, you're all set.