mixed messages from guy

LegacyUser

I feel so confused as it has been a while I have "dated" someone and badly need some advice.
I met this guy very recently on a night out with friends, we are both late '30s.
I felt instantly attracted to him, a few days later I emailed him to ask if he wanted to go out sometime, he sounded very keen and suggested a time and place, so out we went.
He brought me in a really cozy place, warned in advance that it was a romantic venue but he "did not want me to get the wrong impression" (I should have heard alarm bells there, but just thought he was trying to be "light")
Had a lovely night out, did not kiss or anything, just talked about everything.
My attraction for him was still there and I think it came through, even though I did not want it to be so obvious.
When we said goodbye we arranged to meet again next week with some friends we have in common.
The next day I told a good mate I went out with him and only then I found out that he asked her to come out with us that night! She said that she had other plans.
She also told me they had some kind of banter via email between them, in which he said how he is not ready to get into a relationship right now.
I now think he is not after me at all, and that he is after my mate (even though he did not mention her during our night out).
I am afraid to get more involved, so I am already dreading when we are going to go out all together again, I wish I could back out but I don't want either him or my mate to think I am upset (which I am!)
What I want I this stage is a one night stand with him to get him out of my system and move on, but I don't know how to proceed.
Please advice

Hardonraging

It sounds very much as if he's entertaining you both in the hope's of casual sex.
Why not discuss it with him, you're both adult's after all, ask him straight out .

daisybelle2008

OP, the guy is not giving you 'mixed' messages from what I can see. He does not seem to be be into you romantically at all. A one night stand is a terrible idea and would not get him 'out of your system' in fact it would put him there more as you might feel that was a type of 'message' that he wanted a relationship or accuse him of using you.
Don't worry about what him and your friend think, back out of the met up if as you say you don't want to go. Let the dust settle and focus on other things and people as a way of getting him out of your system. I have no idea why you think having sex with him would do that, in fact it sounds absurd.

Zoria

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I have no idea why you think having sex with him would do that, in fact it sounds absurd.

I agree with this. Time to move on, there are no mixed signals here whatsoever. Nothing happened on the "date", it was not on the cards for him at all. He even told your friend he was not up for a relationship. There is no way in hell having sex with him will help you get over him, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. You know it's not casual sex you're after, other wise you wouldn't haven been upset over the possibility of him and your friend getting together.

Gooner111

You only know this chap a short while and it appears that he has been clear with you. He may be flirty etc but he spelled out that he didn't want you to think you's were having a romantic night out. Having said that he should have told you in advance that he had invited someeone else along so that you were 100% clear it wasn't a regular date.

As for him talking to your friend... well nothing wrong with that at all. In fact it sounds like he was talking to her before you. Given what she said about him not wanting a relationship I'd suggest you stay well clear - no harm being friends if you can handle it.

Now as for sleeping with him... eh how would that actually help. You'd only get closer to him and want more and end up hurting yourself! If your just looking for a one night stand there are plenty of ways of getting that but your appear bothered he isn't interested so my guess is that you want something more than a one nighter. Keep looking and you'll find someone who wants you the way you want them.

ash23

OP, you don't need to get him out of your system by having sex with him. In fact, it would appear that to have sex with him, you would nearly need to coax him into it or get him drunk and even then you might only end up making a fool of yourself if/when he rejects you.
The best way to get him out of your system is to accept nothing will happen and that he has no interest in you in that way and to move on to someone who is interested in you.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all the replies.
Re: me wanting a one night stand with the guy.
I don't want a relationship with him.
I can't have one night stands with total strangers, I need to feel a connection, and I am really attracted to him and I think I could handle it and move on afterwards. I know I can handle it.
Of course I would not go to such lenghts (as someone here suggested) as getting him drunk for it.

Re: the upcoming night out.
I can't (don't want to) back out, I want to pretend that I don't care if he doesn' t fancy me, I don't care if he happens to fancy my mate.
I just don't want her and my other mates (who she is bound to tell) to know that I can feel so sensitive about these things.
This crowd I am going out with at the moment, are mates, not friends, and I don't want them to show them my weaknesses and feelings.
If I don't go, I am afraid they start gossiping about me.
My real friends know about all this, but they have never met him and they are also in the dark re: what the guy might be thinking.

The only thing I can not understand is: why did he ask me out?
When I suggested it (very casually), he could have just say "yeah sure, we'll meet sometime"?
Honest to God, I would have left it at that.

And why, once there, he did not mention that he had also invited my mate?
Why did he want two girls (me and my mate) on a night out?
If he wanted my mate alone, he could have just asked her.

Meauldsegosha

OP you say you haven't been out on a date for a while and I agree you badly need advice. This man did not give you any mixed messages, you contacted him about meeting and he said he didn't want you getting the wrong idea on your "date". The fact that he asked your mutual friend to come along means he didn't even see this as a date more like friends getting together for a bite to eat. I suspect he realised you had a bit of a crush on him and that is why is he asked your friend along and why he told her that he was not interested in a relationship, hoping she would say it back to you. You say you're afraid to get more involved but want to have a ONS with him. Firstly I don't think there is anything to get involved in, he's not interested and secondly a ONS is not going to solve anything.

See this for what it is, you had a bit of a crush on someone, you asked them out, nothing happened, move on. Everyone gets crushes now and again (I have one on Michael Conlan at the moment and I'm old enough to be his mother). Nothing wrong with it just don't build it up in to something its not.

LegacyUser

OP here
Just back from night out I was dreading so much.
Guy was there, mate was there, other mates too.
I drank a lot, tried to be my cheerful self and to talk to everyone.
I was so afraid to make a fool of myself, as someone here said that was very likely to happen.
But, that did not happen.
I was saved by two mates, who did not know what was going on.
One mate is a guy and was super nice to me, even flirty even, it was like he sensed that I was low and he wanted to make me feel smart and funny.
The second mate is a girl who can talk for the entire United Nations, she started talking to the guy I fancied and completely monopolised his attention away from my other mate. There was nothing they could do, my chatty mate was unstoppable.
At the end they both left and went their separate ways (he actually had a long drive ahead of him), and I had a super night with my other mates.
I looked at the guy I fancied and try to pick as many flaws I could, and I think I am getting over this crush now.
Thanks everyone.
Next time I will think twice before going into a "date" when the signals seem so ominous as this time round. I will also think twice before saying casually to a guy "do you want to go for a drink sometime". You live and learn!

LegacyUser

Am I missing something here OP? The guy clearly doesn't fancy you/find you attractive, so why on earth would you think he'd be willing/able to have sex you?

Priori

confused987 wrote: »

I felt instantly attracted to him, a few days later I emailed him to ask if he wanted to go out sometime... I am already dreading when we are going to go out all together again, I wish I could back out but I don't want either him or my mate to think I am upset (which I am!)
What I want I this stage is a one night stand with him to get him out of my system and move on

mixed messages from guy wrote:

I can't have one night stands with total strangers, I need to feel a connection, and I am really attracted to him and I think I could handle it and move on afterwards. I know I can handle it.

Tread carefully OP, I think the feelings you seem to have are incompatible with any kind of one night stand, though maybe I'm wrong. I've never felt myself like having a one night stand to get someone out of my system though. If anything I would have thought it's a way to let them in. (And shouldn't it be?) It's not about conquest at this stage, is it? I can't think of why else you would want this.

LegacyUser

I get it, I get it...You all agree he does not fancy me.
1 How do avoid this happening in future with other guys?
I mean, if I happen to like someone else and suggest going out, and it ends in another pointless night out with him (as one of you wrote) arranging it just to "humor me" and inviting someone else without me knowing?
2 How do I move on from this crush, if he clearly likes to hang out with my mates (not just the one I now think he fancies...the one he invited along to out "date")?
I don't want to give up going out with my mates and having to stay at home because of him.

ash23

confused987 wrote: »

1 How do avoid this happening in future with other guys?

You can't. You're not a mind reader. Sometimes it's about seeing the signals and in this case you were choosing to ignore them which can happen.

I mean, if I happen to like someone else and suggest going out, and it ends in another pointless night out with him (as one of you wrote) arranging it just to "humor me" and inviting someone else without me knowing?

I think the main problem was when you did find out, you were still pretty insistent that you were going to have him. Again, it's about picking up the signals and more importantly, accepting them.

2 How do I move on from this crush, if he clearly likes to hang out with my mates (not just the one I now think he fancies...the one he invited along to out "date")?
I don't want to give up going out with my mates and having to stay at home because of him.

In time it will pass if you just let it go and move on. Obviously avoiding your friends isn't an option so you just have to learn to move on while seeing him now and then. Loads of people get crushes on co-workers or people they see all the time and have to keep seeing all the time. Generally speaking the best way to get over a crush is to find someone new to focus your attention on. Preferably someone who returns the sentiment.

Piliger

confused987 wrote: »

OP here

Next time I will think twice before going into a "date" when the signals seem so ominous as this time round. I will also think twice before saying casually to a guy "do you want to go for a drink sometime". You live and learn!

I am sorry OP but I think you are totally wrong here.

You asked a guy on a date and he made it clear, in your words, "(He) did not want me to get the wrong impression".

It is crystal clear to me that this guy was straight up from the start and deserves no criticism whatsoever.

So where dos that leave you ? What's wrong with asking a guy out ? I don't get it. The next time you go out listen to him. If he says he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea when don't. It's that simple and life will be fine.

Us men have to go through this ALL the time. It's called life. We have to go through it many times before we find the right lady.

So don't change. Keep asking guys you fancy. Just listen to your instincts and listen to what they say rather than only listening to your wish for them to say.

How to move on ? Time, activities, friends, socialising.

Best of luck.

Meauldsegosha

OP you really have to take a step back and look at this objectively.

There was no mixed message from this guy, there was no ominous signals about the "date". You fancied this guy, you asked him out, he clearly stated he didn't want you to get the wrong idea. To say that you are not going to ask a man out again is just silly. Of course you should ask men out but don't have expectations that something is going to develop from that one encounter, which is what you did in this situation.

The idea you have that this man must fancy one of your mates because he doesn't fancy you is very childish. I know you said you haven't dated in a while but you are in your late thirties so you can't be that naive. You also seem happy that these people didn't get to talk while out last night, what are you going to do when you see them talking in future?

Don't stop going out with this group of friends because of this man. Just see the meal for what it was, you and a friend out together.

LegacyUser

Me again.
I have been trying to get over the crush for the guy.
Difficult as we had some mates in common and we meet at least once a week.
The mate who he asked to come along with us (without me knowing) when he had fixed the date, time and place of our evening out, has kept flirting with him when we are all in a group.
I had told her I fancied him (but have not raised the subject with her since) so I am quite peeved that, of all guys) she has to flirt with the only one I fancied recently.
I am peeved with her as I thought we were becoming friends.
Anyway, as were all behaving like good mates, last week I asked the guy a really small favor (something he is specialized to) and he was really kind and did something for me.
I wrote him a brief message to thank him, and he answered with a much longer message in which he tells me some personal stuff he is going through.
I want to be courteous and possibly try to help if I can, but I am afraid if I do that, it might take me longer to get over the crush.
So far I have not replied, and I have also decided to skip our next mates night out.
Why does he confide in me?
I should clarify: I have not behaved as I want to be friends with him. When we go out as a group, I am friendly but I spend most of my time chatting to other mates.
What should I do?

Taltos

OP as you now have another thread open in PI on the same issue but in regards to your "flirty" friend I am going to go ahead and close this thread as per our Charter we ask posters to only start one thread at a time, also your initial problem seems to have been answered by the gentleman in question.

All the best
Taltos