Who do I turn to for help?

LegacyUser

Okay, this is the second time I've attempted to post this as the first attempt was locked by mods before it was started.

Before I start, I'm NOT looking for individual recommendations - just an indiciation of what profession would be able to help me.

I know what my problems are, so I don't need deep introspective analysis, but someone to give me a kick up the arse to out and do things. I have had depression in the past, numerous counselling sessions all to no avail because I am unable to act upon the advice I am given. I don't know why this is and as I get older I find it increasingly frustrating that things are not working out for me.

I have no friends. Those that I did have are now married and with kids so don't socialise much any more and have moved away. I have had no luck wit hthe opposite sex - literally none. I have no social interests - there is nothing really that I find interesting although I enjoy weights at the gym. Although sometimes I feel that I'm just making an idiot of myself I as am quite scrawny and not putting on much muscle mass. It's quite frustrating.

I know you will be screaming at the scream to go out and join a club or charity, etc. I'd say the same to others, but for some reasons I am unable to do this. I have got into a rut and I'm unable to move.

I like the movies, but I've not been there in over 1 year. I keep meaning to go, but I never do. This is a familiar picture across my life.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I feel that my life is not worth living (usually at night time). I have to get this sorted.

Counsellors have not found resolution for me so far, so is it still one of these people I need to help move on with my life? At 35yo I'm running out of chances. My chances of having a family of my own are reduced greatly because I'm in my mid 30's and have no relationship experience.

I want to get my life together, but despite endless promises that tonight will be the start, it never is. I need someone to help. However, I don't know who that person is. Am I correct to be looking for another counsellor or is there another type of help out there which would be more suitable for me.

Sometimes I think that some of the team from 'Would Like to Meet' (does anyone remember it from BBC2 in 2001) is along the lines of what I require. However, I'm not sure what I actually do need or where to get it. I've wasted lots of time and money on frustrating counselling sessions that have not clicked with me.

Any pointers to where I should be looking at would be greatly appreciated.

Mods - please let this one through onto the boards!!!

Ickle Magoo

Have you spoken to your GP about your inability to motivate yourself or to take on board the advice you are getting? I think there is little point in collecting practical suggestions until you get to the bottom of why you are so reticent to help yourself.

All the best.

edellc

OP we can all go to counsellors, speak to doctors and so on and they are great and give advice and tools to use to help with what it is your going through but at the end of the day they cant hold your hand and make you do it. You are an adult, you are in charge of your life and you make life what it is, we have a short amount of time on this earth and you can sit there and do nothing if you like or get up and live it but only you can do this.

speaking to a doctor as to why your not IMO is pointless you know why your not, because however much you want to get off your arse the bigger part of you doesnt want to so its a consent battle of beating yourself up over doing nothing when in fact your quite happy to do nothing.

When you read this and say that is not the case and you are not happy doing nothing and want to do something, well then log off the laptop, get off your arse and do it instead of writing about doing something.

If you enjoy going to the gym then go it takes time to build muscle its not going to happen over night, it can take months and or years so stop looking for the instant and look at the long term.

If you like the cinema, there are cinema clubs or one night after work just go to one, yes on your own who cares its dark no one will see you and then if you do talk to someone in work even, then you have something to talk about...."how you make friends - by having something to talk about"

ceidefields

OP - it really sounds like you're depressed. All the conditions and symptoms you've listed point to depression.

edellc - if someone is depressed, you can't just "simply get off yer arse and do something". If it was that straight forward, no one would be depressed or feel hopeless.

I would find a really good cognitive behavioral therapist (google CBT). Rather than "giving advice" a CBT therapist will give you real tools to help you get out of this rut. Also, they'll be able to evaluate whether or not medication would help too.

edellc

ceidefields I am a former sufferer of depression for over 15years so please dont feel the need to tell me about this disease.

With depression it does get to a point where you have to do something and as I said counsellors do work but you have to be the one to implement what they say, anti depressants are great too but eventually get to the stage where you dont feel anything, happy, sad nothing and you have to do something...yes depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the OP should be on anti depressants but if the OP already is then they are obviously at the stage when they are just existing and thats when you have to start doing what is the hardest and that is getting off your arse and getting on with life, and yes it is that simple. After 15 years of suffering and being in the darkest of places I made a choice to either let this effect the rest of my life or get off my arse and start living life however hard it was.

Writing a diary of how I felt every day let me see over time how my moods where and what triggered certain downs, and its about being aware of the triggers so you can catch yourself. I also learned to find something every day to be positive about no matter how small it was, and exercise helped greatly even a brisk walk in the evening with happy tunes on my ipod improved my serotonin levels greatly and made the world of difference, so yes it is that simple...I know because I suffered for 15 long years

jessiejam

Sorry about all your troubles op.
The first port of call is your GP. Tell them exactly what you posted here and take it from there. If he/she recommends one therapist and they don't work then try another until you find what you are looking for.

My own personal experience was that of a psychotherapist. They gave me the tools to use and in the end I ended up helping myself. There maybe deep rooted issues that your unaware of (as was my case), and without their help I would never have realised something from my past was bothering me so much.

Whatever you decide, keep trying and don't give up.
All the very best.

LegacyUser

OP, I know exactly what you are talking about as I have just been through something similar. I had a pretty traumatic situation which left me very shattered and I didn't know how to cope. I am having a bit of trouble typing this as I have kind of forgotten how and in what order things happened. I did have some counselling but I think I had ended that before I hit the worst patch. Time passed and I just survived for a while, and began to get over the worst of it, but I knew I needed to start getting out and doing the stuff that I had enjoyed before it hit, but I just could not.

Each day I would say, today I will do x, then just spent all the day doing nothing much. This went on and I got frustrated because I kept making decisions to do things then somehow not doing them.

My situation was not the same as yours but in a general way the result was the same. I had arranged to be away for a few days,and I went because flights were booked. When I came back I had enjoyed the trip, but then still found I was going into the doing nothing situation. So I started to try and see it like steps of stairs. I stopped getting mad with myself, but each time I did something I imagined myself up another step. I tried to not go downstairs, only up, and I was pleased with myself when I got up another step. And it has worked/is working. I now feel much more positive and feel I am making progress.

I think not being angry with yourself is important, as that makes you feel low and depressed, try and mentally reward yourself by feeling good about yourself when you do do something, and try to keep building on that.

LegacyUser

OP i think I remember your last thread

Counsellors have not found resolution for me so far

That's because at the end of the day there is no magic solution, imho (having depression myself) you are never 'cured' of depression, it is something you carry with you for life, it doesn't go away, you don't get 'better', you simply learn to deal with it, recognise when you're thinking has become destructive and manage it by applying the skills/techniques you have learned.

OP that can be a hard thing to accept, it's not fair, why me etc etc (believe me I can relate to where you are now) but if you wallow in it, it will destroy you. The only person who can take control of it is you. And believe me I know how hard that is, and how much of a scary thought it is, when you feel like cr*p. I don't know what kind of councellors you've seen but as was already said a cognitive behavioral therapist is your best bet, but they will not do the hard work for you i'm afraid, they can only teach you the skills, think of it as studying french or something, you can study the textbook and sit in class repeating phrases all day, but the only way you actually learn is by going out and speaking the language yourself.

OP i think the root of your lack of motivation may be down to your isolation, it's a vicious cycle. You need to get out there and interact with others, we are social creatures under it all, we need companionship. And op i know what it's like to have no friends, there was a time when i had none, honestly, I had not one single friend, now I'm still not the girl with 100 best mates, but I've managed to make a few who I love to bits. But again OP the sad reality is no one can make friends for you, that again is all down to you. Take it in little steps OP.What's to stop you going to the cinema tomorrow night for example? Pick a film, pick a time and just go. Make it a regular thing, you need to start making goals for yourself no matter how small, and once you've achieved them move on to bigger ones. I think of all the things I learned from councelling, that was something that stuck with me, I was always one of those people who just drifted by in life, fell into things, and couldn't understand why life was passing me by...looking back now, of course life was going to pass me by if I didn't have a destination, the only way you can achieve anything is by seeing the bigger picture aiming for the small destinations or goals that will take you where you want to go.

Would you consider getting back into education OP? Some kind of evening course even?It sounds crazy but I went back to college a few years ago for the sole reason that I didn't have any friends! One day I just said f**k it I'm going back, starting new, going to make some new friends and change my life... and that's exactly what I did.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP, but change is hard, it's uncomfortable, and stressful and hard work, there's no getting away from that, but the alternative is desperate unhappiness, a little hard work and discomfort for a while would seems to me to be a small price to pay to get your life back on track.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Have you spoken to your GP about your inability to motivate yourself or to take on board the advice you are getting? I think there is little point in collecting practical suggestions until you get to the bottom of why you are so reticent to help yourself.

All the best.

I have. Although she is quite supportive and says that she is happy that I'm not throwing the towel in (unlike some of her patients) there doesn't seem to be much else for her to do. She gave me the name of a conusellor whom I paid to see. She did seem a bit stuck as for further ideas. This would have been a year ago, but whilst I've been in for other reasons she still asks about the condition but does seem to know how to help me further.

You are an adult, you are in charge of your life and you make life what it is, we have a short amount of time on this earth and you can sit there and do nothing if you like or get up and live it but only you can do this.

speaking to a doctor as to why your not IMO is pointless you know why your not, because however much you want to get off your arse the bigger part of you doesnt want to so its a consent battle of beating yourself up over doing nothing when in fact your quite happy to do nothing.

I appreciate this, but there is something holding me back. I've tried numerous times to go out and do things, but a lack of organisation and time passing me by means that it never happens. I think you're being a bit unfair on me. I'm in a comfortable place and I am scared of going out there and putting my self out.

I've been to numerous classes - both recretional and educational. Tried group sports and there was nothing. No response. Maybe I just emit something that makes people think that there is a do not disturb sign around my neck. It was frustrating and i have tried to get off my arse, but what I expected to happen didn't.

OP - it really sounds like you're depressed. All the conditions and symptoms you've listed point to depression.

This is something I've had previously and had treatment for (counselling and fluxotine/prozac). I don't feel that either really worked for me. The counselling worked at times but there was only 1 counsellor that I clicked with and they changed positions so I lost the link. I've not taken AD's for approx 7 years. I've had numerous couselling sessions - both on NHS & privately.

The first port of call is your GP. Tell them exactly what you posted here and take it from there. If he/she recommends one therapist and they don't work then try another until you find what you are looking for.

I've been that often that is embarassing going back. That is why I was asking on here if there was another approach I could take

Each day I would say, today I will do x, then just spent all the day doing nothing much. This went on and I got frustrated because I kept making decisions to do things then somehow not doing them.

I can empathise with this totally. It is is like it was written by me.

I think not being angry with yourself is important, as that makes you feel low and depressed, try and mentally reward yourself by feeling good about yourself when you do do something, and try to keep building on that

Thanks, but I'm stuck here and I don't know how to get out of this rut. It's frustrating.

OP i think the root of your lack of motivation may be down to your isolation, it's a vicious cycle.

It certainly is a factor. A major one. At evenings i have no one to talk to unless at gym. I regularly never speak to anyone from leaving work until returning the next day - despite going to the gym etc. (Comes back to previous point at gym/classes about me maybe being standoffish?).

Would you consider getting back into education OP? Some kind of evening course even?It sounds crazy but I went back to college a few years ago for the sole reason that I didn't have any friends! One day I just said f**k it I'm going back, starting new, going to make some new friends and change my life... and that's exactly what I did.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP, but change is hard, it's uncomfortable, and stressful and hard work, there's no getting away from that, but the alternative is desperate unhappiness, a little hard work and discomfort for a while would seems to me to be a small price to pay to get your life back on track.

I've tried education (mostly night classes [languages, etc]) and didn't meet anyone. If I was to do anything else it woudl take up too much time for me.

I know it is touch and I know what I need to do, but something is stopping me even though even brain cell is screaming at me to get up and get out there and fake it until I make it.


Finally thanks for all the replies. Apoloies for replying - apparently I should have been at movies tonight!!!

edellc

The thing that is stopping you OP is you, I am aware of your last thread and this one looks to be in the same vain, your looking for suggestions, people are offering them and you are dismissing them, you seem to want some one to hold your hand and do it for you and you seem to blame everyone else for the predicament you are in apart from yourself.

Yes this is harsh but this is what I get from reading all your posts and yes I have read all of them, as I have said no one and I mean no will help you unless you help yourself and although you have gone through therapy and been on AD's you are still failing to acknowledge that it is you that needs to change and not everyone else, you cant just expect to join a class and low and behold you find a best friend, it doesnt work like that. Most people find friends from school, college or work.

Obviously you dont seem to have school friends or ones from college, so that leaves work...how is work, are there many people working there any that you have small chit chat with, any social work events you could go to??

You are in a comfort zone at the moment and you need to take yourself out of it and its all fine whining on the net but you are the one that has to do something to improve your situation, have you tried dating websites or agencies?? what about volunteering building houses in africia or doing the charity trek across certain continents these are things where you spend weeks of hard work with others and it builds a bond and friendships as well as doing something for othes so your not wallowing in your own self pity which btw isnt attractive, and instead of making excuses about oh i dont have enough holidays and so on, find the holidays look up the websites see when these things happen and if you cant do it this year book for next year and book your holidays off work in advance, thats lots of notice for them, you are the only one holding you back no one else, life is so very short you really dont seem to get that, you need to embrace every day and stop being so negative and woo is me, answer me this, name one thing today that made you smile?

ceidefields

edellc wrote: »

ceidefields I am a former sufferer of depression for over 15years so please dont feel the need to tell me about this disease.

Ah, yeah. I'm a sufferer of the disease too and I am allowed to have an opinion. I don't happen to agree with the tough love approach which is what you advocate. But if you found that helpful for you, then it works for some people and you seem to have been following threads from this user, so maybe this is what they need.

Anyway, carry on.

Taltos

ceidefields - can I please point you to our charter. We specifically request posters to not diagnose or provide medical advice.

To the unreg'd poster - apologies but I have likewise deleted your post for also providing potential diagnoses however if you could repost in a different manner that would be great as you did provide some very useful advice, while you called out you were not providing medical advice you did ponder on one condition to get checked by a GP.

Ignoring this and the rest of the charter can and will result in mod action up to and including a permanent removal of your rights to post in this forum.

Thanks Taltos.

edellc

ceidefields - I am a realist, and the OP has stated that he has tried everything on the market yet feels nothing has worked for him, mostly this is down to him wanting someone to hold his hand....I have always thought that depression is like having a serious physically accident, both need medical help and counselling to come to terms with both, you get offered the tools to adjust to your new life coping with your illness but in the end it is you and you alone who is the only one who can implement these tools, its is a long slow process in most cases.

The one things that I have noticed with the OP is that his depression is at the meh stage as I call it or couldnt give a fu*k about anything stage, he doesnt seem to have slipped from normal depression to suicidal depression (which tough love most definitely doesnt work on), but he is the only one who can help himself and this bow down and help me attitude as I just cant be bothered using the tools you have given me, is very destructive not only to himself but I can only imagine how it emulates out of him to those around and therefore they avoid him like the plague.

Unless you are willing to help yourself no one else can, likewise you can not rely on others to make you happy that can only be done by you and the OP seems content living in his current situation as if he wasnt happy doing it then yes he would get off his arse and do something about it, if you want to know what things he could be doing read my last posts

OP I am someone who has come out the other side, I have been where you are, I think I have offered more than enough advice and tools that if you choose to use will help you but its up to you to want the help...life is about putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time not trying to run before you can walk and that is what you do with depression take it one day at a time, one step at a time its about forcing yourself to get out of your comfort zone, if you dont like living alone then move to a house share even if its just for a year but this will help you interact with others and see how others interact thus helping you with your communication skills, make goals each day small ones like speak to one new person in work or if you have spoken to them already do so again, complements are a great way of starting a conversation (complement one of the guys on a shirt ask where he got it, ask any plans for the weekend, they dont have to invite you and dont feel excluded if they dont as they dont know you and it takes time), if you get a coffee in the morning chat to the girl/guy about he weather and how lucky we have been with it, stand in the mirror in the morning and tell yourself your goal for today and go out and get it and most importantly smile, people will smile back

LegacyUser

Quote:
I think not being angry with yourself is important, as that makes you feel low and depressed, try and mentally reward yourself by feeling good about yourself when you do do something, and try to keep building on that

Thanks, but I'm stuck here and I don't know how to get out of this rut. It's frustrating.

OP, that response is such an instant dismissal that I think you really have to make a bit of an effort to understand what people are saying to you.

At one stage in the situation I was in - and it was the turning point - I realised that while I knew things were not right, at the same time I did not want to do anything about it because there was something comfortable about churning over all the problems and issues. Or in crude terms, I was enjoying feeling sorry for myself. Once I realised that, I had to make a serious commitment to deciding that sorting it was more important than wallowing.

That doesn't mean that your situation (or mine) was not 'serious', I know I was in a deep depression which I felt I had no control over. That was the biggest step, deciding that living a normal life was more important than dwelling on the issues. The issues still exist and I know that if I stop paddling I could sink again, but now I am aware of it and make sure I don't get so physically tired that I become emotionally vulnerable.

That is just how I have rationalised it for myself, you might come to a whole lot of different conclusions, but you have to make a start by convincing yourself that getting better is what you actually want to do.

LegacyUser

That "should be at the cinema" comment was a bit rude wasn't it Op?
Out of curiosity, why didn't you go? What exactly stopped you from taking such a small step and doing something so simple?

The crux of your problem seems to be that you think life is something that happens to people, and are frustrated that it isn't happening to you. That unfortunately isn't how life works, life is something you make happen OP.

OP I know everyone experiences depression in their own way. But I can't help but question if anyone who was suffering from depression in the true sense would be so reluctant to listen to advice, (in fact actually throw advice back in others' faces) and generally be so quick to dismiss solutions and advice offered.

OP it makes me wonder if the diagnosis you have received is indeed the correct one (my last post was deleted so this may sound vague). I know if i was going to a doctor month after month with a cold and the treatments they were giving me for the cold weren't working at some point I would begin to question if having a cold was indeed the right diagnosis? or if perhaps the cold was merely a symptom of a bigger underlying issue?

If the tools and advice people/doctors/councellors have been giving you are not only not working but not even stirring any kind of sense of clarity within you perhaps instead of presuming the solutions you are being offered are wrong you need to examine if it is the diagnosis itself which is wrong. Maybe there could be a chance perhaps that your depression is merely a symptom of another underlying mental health issue?

It might not be a bad idea to return to your GP (or counsellor if you are still seeing one) and discuss this possibility. Or indeed find another GP and ask for a second opinion. At the end of the day if I was seeking help for a physical condition and the medicine I was given wasn't clearing it up after years and years, I'm damn sure I'd be seeking a second opinion, it's not an exact science, same goes for mental health issues imho.

All the best OP,hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

sleepingisgivingin wrote: »

That "should be at the cinema" comment was a bit rude wasn't it Op?
Out of curiosity, why didn't you go? What exactly stopped you from taking such a small step and doing something so simple?

It wasn't meant to be rude. Everyone in Belfast goes to cinema on Tuesday - Crazy Tuesday: £3 instead of £6. Hence the comment that I should have been at the cinema!

Although I did go last night (on my own) for this first time in months (possibly since Senna was out).

OP I know everyone experiences depression in their own way. But I can't help but question if anyone who was suffering from depression in the true sense would be so reluctant to listen to advice, (in fact actually throw advice back in others' faces) and generally be so quick to dismiss solutions and advice offered.

Throw it back in people's faces? I disagree with this comment and its tone. Yes, I struggle but I'm not on here to take the piss with people just for kicks.

OP it makes me wonder if the diagnosis you have received is indeed the correct one (my last post was deleted so this may sound vague). I know if i was going to a doctor month after month with a cold and the treatments they were giving me for the cold weren't working at some point I would begin to question if having a cold was indeed the right diagnosis? or if perhaps the cold was merely a symptom of a bigger underlying issue?

If the tools and advice people/doctors/councellors have been giving you are not only not working but not even stirring any kind of sense of clarity within you perhaps instead of presuming the solutions you are being offered are wrong you need to examine if it is the diagnosis itself which is wrong. Maybe there could be a chance perhaps that your depression is merely a symptom of another underlying mental health issue?

It might not be a bad idea to return to your GP (or counsellor if you are still seeing one) and discuss this possibility. Or indeed find another GP and ask for a second opinion. At the end of the day if I was seeking help for a physical condition and the medicine I was given wasn't clearing it up after years and years, I'm damn sure I'd be seeking a second opinion, it's not an exact science, same goes for mental health issues imho.

I read this and understand what you are saying. I've never thought about it like this. I just assumed that it was some type of repression due to my upbringing with anti-social, reserved partents which meant I have not gelled with tohers as I should and the frustration of my formative years sent me into the depression.

I'll give the doctor some serious consideration - I have to go back to her anyway for something else.

Out of interest can you state what these other things might be or if that is against the ethics of here, can you point me in the right direction so I can understand what you are talking about?

Ickle Magoo

OP,

There has already been a warning on this thread re on-line diagnoses. We cannot - and are not allowed to make assumptions or guesses as to what might be ailing you. You must get that from a medical professional.

If you push for posters to speculate over what medical condition you may or may not be suffering from then we'll have no option but to lock the thread.

Cheers.

Twinwolf

Hi OP, Wanted to add my two cents worth. I’ve suffered/suffer with depression myself, and as another poster said, for most people its not something that just leaves, its there, sometimes stronger than others, and something to be maintained. If you had a bad back you would make sure you looked after it right?

Well I absolutely don’t think you’re lazy or that you’re not pushing yourself hard enough. You say you have had this for a long time, you’ve tried every possible avenue you can think of, you’ve tried numerous counsellors, joining groups, and nothing has helped. To me that’s not lazy, it sounds like you have pushed yourself very hard but you’re at the point now in your thinking that ‘I’ve been there, done that, didn’t help, why continue to do the same thing and hope for a different outcome’. So you have very little ‘hope’ that things will/can change, and that can lead to no motivation or energy for anything.

As regards to counsellors - I have seen many and spent a fortune, same as yourself with no real outcome from it, except more frustration as its expensive, painful to go through and if it doesn’t help you feel it’s ‘your’ fault. I did eventually find a counsellor who was an absolute angel. She knew what she was doing and we clicked and she really helped me. And I think that’s the key, it’s not the type of therapy they do, it’s actually the person and how well they can relate to you. It’s very hard to find.
There’s a few things I would suggest – as I think that’s what you’re looking for from posting this. I think you have tried everything you could think of and need some new ideas.

Firstly I think you should stop being hard on yourself – from your post your saying ‘it’s my own fault that I haven’t followed all the advice I’ve been given, so I blame me for feeling like this’. Take that blame off yourself, you just haven’t yet found the right thing, or the right combination of things that are going to help you.

I would then think that you should maybe look at some different medications with your doctor – If this is not for you, that’s fine, it’s not for everybody. But you say you tried one type 7 years ago. There are so many different anti-depressants out there, it’s usually a journey to find the right ‘one’ for you. I have been on many that never helped, and I just thought they never will, but had to keep going back to my doc from sheer desperation. I eventually found one that has helped me hugely. Not everything is rosy in the garden, but I feel like it’s given me energy (that was my main issue) and so I have the energy and strength to do what I need to do to deal with my depression. I think medication is a personal choice, so I’m not saying that’s the route you should go down, just throwing the idea out there. I would also say while your doctor sounds nice and understanding, if she is out of ideas of how to help she should be referring you on to somebody else. So you could try another gp, or ask for a referral.

Actually before you go down that route – and you may have done this, I would get a complete full blood test done – to check thyroid, iron, vit b, d, liver, etc - just to totally rule out that it could be something physical. And when you get this, get the results printed from your doctor and find a good nutritionist who can interpret the results for you (I can recommend one who is a pharmacist) as the results from the gp don’t give the full picture – I had my bloods done and it just came back fine. But when I showed this to my nutritionist he interpreted differently – my iron was very low, I also needed to take vit B complex and cut down on carbs – he could read it more accurately – and I have to say the iron & vit b also increased my energy.

And following on from the last topic, nutrition is extremely important. I don’t know your diet, but eating healthy is extremely important – I would recommend Patrick Holford to look at some of his approach on the net.
I think they would be the first 3 things to cover before you know what to move on to next.

After that there are literally hundreds of options of which way you could go in to trying to get treatment and help and to really significantly make positive sustainable changes to your life.

You could head back down the route of counsellors and hope to meet the right one

There are meetup groups out there for people who are in exactly the same place as you, off the top of my head there is grow, recovery, aware. I’m certain theres more you will just need to research it a bit to see whats in your area.

You mentioned volunteering, which would be really good to try – as soon as you start to have care for someone else and can try to help them – you forget about yourself, your pain & suffering and feel good about yourself that you could help someone.

You said you like the gym – why not set challenges & goals for yourself with a time frame, this might motivate you a little. I’ve just mastered a full one legged pistol squat – silly little goal, but feels good to reach it, next on the list is to be able to do 10 without collapsing. Something small like that can give you a kick.

An other thing you could try is stop with the negativity. ‘whats wrong with me’ ‘why am I so incapable’ and the negative self talk ‘I’m useless’ ‘this is all my own fault’ ‘things will never change’ etc. and you know what is the best thing I’ve learned. If you’re not finding the answer to your problem. Then you are asking the wrong question. You need to discover what it is that you really want, what’s going to make you happy – (obviously you know this, you want to be well, have a social life, friends, relationships etc.) but find out what other things you can enjoy that will give you pleasure – get out into nature, go to the movies, take up painting – I don’t know whats for you, but there is something, if you are enjoying it, you loose yourself in it and that’s the best therapy there is, you’ll come away from it feeling better. Stop thinking miles into the future, focus on the day, what can I do today – and be realistic of what you are capable of. If it’s a day where you have loads planned in your head, but its unlikely you’ll do any of it, then lower your expectations of what it is you can do – and be proud of yourself for trying to do it – and if you don’t, then tomorrow is another day. As someone said its baby steps, you might do one small thing today and the next, and in a few weeks you can add a bit more, and that will give you positivity and energy.

A huge thing that helped me was yoga and meditation – again, not everyone’s cup of tea. But there are some fantastic courses out there, there’s mindfulness based courses which I think you can actually now attend on the NHS for free – might be worth looking into. But maybe to delve into a bit of a spirituality path – find the right thing for you.
Other posters have mentioned a load of other suggestions that are really good. The key is to find which approach, or method, or idea is right for you. It will interest you and feel right – just pick one thing and try it with no expectation of the outcome – and you will know in your heart if it’s the right thing for you or not – if its not, listen to how you feel and move on to something else. I think if you start to consciously do that, and get stuck into something that fulfils you, the rest will then come, friends, relationships – peace of mind.

I could continue endlessly with suggestions but I feel like I’m writing a book here.

So, if you managed to read this far, what I really wanted to say was to not lose hope, to me you do sound strong and you might not realise that. You have tried and tried. But keep on trying because you will definitely find what it is that’s going to work for you – everyone is different in what it is that helps them get better.

I think some of the posts on here have been a tad harsh, but everything was written in good intention. And I think most of the posters who replied have been where you are now – and they bothered to write in reply because they know that things can change for you. So I hope some of this has helped.

If I have been in bit presumptuous on certain things like how your feeling etc – I don’t mean to be – it’s too difficult to get any sort of picture from a few paragraphs. And if you think what I wrote is nonsense and doesn’t apply for you particularly – that’s fine – the only thing I would say is don’t stop looking. Wishing you all the very very best.

LegacyUser

Twinwolf wrote: »

you’ve tried every possible avenue you can think of, you’ve tried numerous counsellors, joining groups, and nothing has helped. To me that’s not lazy, it sounds like you have pushed yourself very hard but you’re at the point now in your thinking that ‘I’ve been there, done that, didn’t help, why continue to do the same thing and hope for a different outcome’. So you have very little ‘hope’ that things will/can change, and that can lead to no motivation or energy for anything.

I know I say I've tried things but it has been sporadic over the years as with each failure, I get down and bump along the bottom for a while, before trying to recover once again. I don't really know if I have tried everything possible.

As regards to counsellors - I have seen many and spent a fortune, same as yourself with no real outcome from it, except more frustration as its expensive, painful to go through and if it doesn’t help you feel it’s ‘your’ fault. I did eventually find a counsellor who was an absolute angel. She knew what she was doing and we clicked and she really helped me. And I think that’s the key, it’s not the type of therapy they do, it’s actually the person and how well they can relate to you. It’s very hard to find.

I've only had one counsellor who I got on with truely. However that was short lived. I really don't know what to do now.

Firstly I think you should stop being hard on yourself – from your post your saying ‘it’s my own fault that I haven’t followed all the advice I’ve been given, so I blame me for feeling like this’. Take that blame off yourself, you just haven’t yet found the right thing, or the right combination of things that are going to help you.

Okay, I can do that easily enough

I would then think that you should maybe look at some different medications with your doctor – If this is not for you, that’s fine, it’s not for everybody. But you say you tried one type 7 years ago. There are so many different anti-depressants out there, it’s usually a journey to find the right ‘one’ for you. I have been on many that never helped, and I just thought they never will, but had to keep going back to my doc from sheer desperation. I eventually found one that has helped me hugely. Not everything is rosy in the garden, but I feel like it’s given me energy (that was my main issue) and so I have the energy and strength to do what I need to do to deal with my depression. I think medication is a personal choice, so I’m not saying that’s the route you should go down, just throwing the idea out there. I would also say while your doctor sounds nice and understanding, if she is out of ideas of how to help she should be referring you on to somebody else. So you could try another gp, or ask for a referral.

I wonder if I should bypass her and go to one of the younger GP's? Hmmm... She seemed genuinely stuck for ideas last time I approached it with her. Although she was not considering mediciation - I am not sure if medication is the solution or what is though. Only thing is I cannot abide male doctors. I had a bad experience with an arrogant one when I was younger and I've always done my best to seek out a female doctor ever since.

Actually before you go down that route – and you may have done this, I would get a complete full blood test done – to check thyroid, iron, vit b, d, liver, etc - just to totally rule out that it could be something physical. And when you get this, get the results printed from your doctor and find a good nutritionist who can interpret the results for you (I can recommend one who is a pharmacist) as the results from the gp don’t give the full picture – I had my bloods done and it just came back fine. But when I showed this to my nutritionist he interpreted differently – my iron was very low, I also needed to take vit B complex and cut down on carbs – he could read it more accurately – and I have to say the iron & vit b also increased my energy.

I don't know if this is a problem for me. Let me explain. I've got an ongoing medical ailment which means I get monitored quite closely on a regular basis. I'd be too embarassed to ask for a full suite of bloods to be done. However, I'll ask if there could be a correlation between the problems I'm having and something medical when I go to the GP.

And following on from the last topic, nutrition is extremely important. I don’t know your diet, but eating healthy is extremely important – I would recommend Patrick Holford to look at some of his approach on the net.
I think they would be the first 3 things to cover before you know what to move on to next.

As part of the ailment I speak to a nutritionalist frequently. I do eat very heathly - as I go to the gym trying to sculpt my body! Mostly fruit, veg, little processed food and no sweet foods.

You could head back down the route of counsellors and hope to meet the right one

I'll speak to GP again about this and alternatives in the same vein(vain/vane???)

There are meetup groups out there for people who are in exactly the same place as you, off the top of my head there is grow, recovery, aware. I’m certain theres more you will just need to research it a bit to see whats in your area.

I did join a meetup group - however they had nothing on which interested me so in the end I didn't go to anything. I then became an inactive member and got booted out of the group!

You mentioned volunteering, which would be really good to try – as soon as you start to have care for someone else and can try to help them – you forget about yourself, your pain & suffering and feel good about yourself that you could help someone.

You said you like the gym – why not set challenges & goals for yourself with a time frame, this might motivate you a little. I’ve just mastered a full one legged pistol squat – silly little goal, but feels good to reach it, next on the list is to be able to do 10 without collapsing. Something small like that can give you a kick.

I've got goals and I'm working towards them. It is motivating but frustrating when I think that I'm not making progress. Well done on the pistol squat. I've tried them before but I'm just not flexible enough to get down that far. Old age setting in

An other thing you could try is stop with the negativity. ‘whats wrong with me’ ‘why am I so incapable’ and the negative self talk ‘I’m useless’ ‘this is all my own fault’ ‘things will never change’ etc. and you know what is the best thing I’ve learned. If you’re not finding the answer to your problem. Then you are asking the wrong question. You need to discover what it is that you really want, what’s going to make you happy – (obviously you know this, you want to be well, have a social life, friends, relationships etc.) but find out what other things you can enjoy that will give you pleasure – get out into nature, go to the movies, take up painting – I don’t know whats for you, but there is something, if you are enjoying it, you loose yourself in it and that’s the best therapy there is, you’ll come away from it feeling better. Stop thinking miles into the future, focus on the day, what can I do today – and be realistic of what you are capable of. If it’s a day where you have loads planned in your head, but its unlikely you’ll do any of it, then lower your expectations of what it is you can do – and be proud of yourself for trying to do it – and if you don’t, then tomorrow is another day. As someone said its baby steps, you might do one small thing today and the next, and in a few weeks you can add a bit more, and that will give you positivity and energy.

I understand this. I try, but get bogged down in the mundane things of everyday life and never make the chance for myself to get out and try new things.

So, if you managed to read this far, what I really wanted to say was to not lose hope, to me you do sound strong and you might not realise that. You have tried and tried. But keep on trying because you will definitely find what it is that’s going to work for you – everyone is different in what it is that helps them get better.

If I was strong I would not in this problem. I would have forced myself to do something to get through this mess.

I think some of the posts on here have been a tad harsh, but everything was written in good intention. And I think most of the posters who replied have been where you are now – and they bothered to write in reply because they know that things can change for you. So I hope some of this has helped.

I know and I appreciate it. 'sleepingisgivingin' mistook the intent of my cinema comment though.

If I have been in bit presumptuous on certain things like how your feeling etc – I don’t mean to be – it’s too difficult to get any sort of picture from a few paragraphs. And if you think what I wrote is nonsense and doesn’t apply for you particularly – that’s fine – the only thing I would say is don’t stop looking. Wishing you all the very very best.

No, you were (and most others) were quite accurate. It is scary to me how much strangers on the internet can seemingly know about me.

Twinwolf

“I know I say I've tried things but it has been sporadic over the years as with each failure, I get down and bump along the bottom for a while, before trying to recover once again. I don't really know if I have tried everything possible.”

- Well I think this is just normal, you’re a human being, when we try something hoping for some result we get disheartened and fall down – even though you say it’s been sporadic, at some point you have still gotten up, and gotten up again.

“I've only had one counsellor who I got on with truely. However that was short lived. I really don't know what to do now.”

- That’s a shame it didn’t last, it’s a blessing when you find the ‘right’ person. And I believe that you know on the very first session whether the person is right for you. I’ve met counsellors who I knew I didn’t click with and didn’t think much of but kept persevering thinking I have to try, if I don’t – then it’s my fault I’m not getting better. Now I know that I just have to trust my instincts and stick with them. If you feel that it helped you, you might try looking for another person. You don’t need a recommendation from your doc, there are loads out there, look some up. Is there anyone you know who could recommend one, maybe your nutritionist? It might be worth giving it a go, and just trust your instincts, if it’s not right for, just add it to experience and move on. Possibly your doctor could refer you to a psychologist – there is probably a long waiting list, but it’s another avenue to try.

“Okay, I can do that easily enough" – GOOD, beating yourself up will not help in any way shape or form. When you start to mentally beat the crap out of yourself, consciously stop it and change it to positive thoughts. Someone said on here that they would right down at the end of each day something positive, or something to be grateful for – this is a great idea, you can always find positivity, I have a job, I’m well enough to go to the gym, I went to the gym, I wrote on boards to try and get some feedback so I can help get out of this situation etc.

“I wonder if I should bypass her and go to one of the younger GP's? Hmmm... She seemed genuinely stuck for ideas last time I approached it with her. Although she was not considering mediciation - I am not sure if medication is the solution or what is though. Only thing is I cannot abide male doctors. I had a bad experience with an arrogant one when I was younger and I've always done my best to seek out a female doctor ever since.”

- I would definitely see another doctor – who knows what they could say or recommend. I think it’s a bit poor of your doctor to be out of ideas. I know gp’s can only do so much, but if they are stuck then their job is to refer you to someone who can help. Sorry to hear your bad experience with a male doctor – that’s a fear you can confront, maybe not now but in the future. I’ve experienced good and bad from both male and female doctors. But probably for now when you’re trying to get well, stay with what makes you most comfortable.

“I don't know if this is a problem for me. Let me explain. I've got an ongoing medical ailment which means I get monitored quite closely on a regular basis. I'd be too embarassed to ask for a full suite of bloods to be done. However, I'll ask if there could be a correlation between the problems I'm having and something medical when I go to the GP.”

- Well that’s good, at least its ruled out. And don’t EVER be embarrassed with your doc. Ok you might hate doing it, it will feel uncomfortable – but I think very very little would shock them, and at the end of the day, its about getting help for yourself and not being worried about them judging you.

“I did join a meetup group - however they had nothing on which interested me so in the end I didn't go to anything. I then became an inactive member and got booted out of the group!”

- So what?? You went, it wasn’t for you, it had nothing to offer you, so you didn’t go – that’s the right thing to do. You don’t go back but you find something else. Again chalk it up to experience.

“I've got goals and I'm working towards them. It is motivating but frustrating when I think that I'm not making progress. Well done on the pistol squat. I've tried them before but I'm just not flexible enough to get down that far. Old age setting in”

- 35 old age eh? Well it depends what your goals are for what progress you want to make? Is it you want to build muscle? Improve cardio, stamina? Don’t go to the gym and do the same routine over and over – you will get nowhere, you need to change it up for it to be effective & keep it interesting. And working out just to build muscle is not getting whole body fit – you’re just trying to add bulk, but not necessarily strong – I’ve seen many a muscly man, unable to do a one leg squat, full tricep dip, handstands, planch etc. If there’s certain things you want maybe get a personal trainer to steer you in the right direction – but honestly I think you can find everything you need to know on the net. And btw – I’m your age, and flexibility has zero to do with a pistol squat – it’s just trying it bit by bit, but feels amazing to get there. I’ve now done 3 each leg and feel like I’ve done 200 squats! Ok off topic

“I understand this. I try, but get bogged down in the mundane things of everyday life and never make the chance for myself to get out and try new things.”

- Your totally stuck in a rut. You need to make a solid plan – just for one thing and do it when you say you’re going to do it, plan it be ready for it. And make yourself do it. And then give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing it. Anything, something small. And if it doesn’t work – try again ‘Give up, giving up!’ I think the problem is you lack inspiration – but inspiration isn’t going to come and knock on your door and invite you out for a good time. You just need to get out there, and once you keep trying different avenues, it WILL come, it will happen, and slowly you’ll start to get to the place where you automatically go and do things and it’s not going to be a huge effort.

“If I was strong I would not in this problem. I would have forced myself to do something to get through this mess.”

- Wrong! That’s typical thinking of someone depressed (I’m not saying your depressed, but you’re very low) again, its my fault things are this way, I haven’t tried hard enough etc etc. You are still functioning, you go to the gym, you go to work, you have tried different things, your on here looking for ideas – that might not seem like much to you, but you’re soldiering on even though you feel rotton & fed the hell up. Don’t take that away from yourself.

"No, you were (and most others) were quite accurate. It is scary to me how much strangers on the internet can seemingly know about me."

- What does that tell you? That many many people have been in the same boat – everyone has a different experience but they feel the same pain and desperation. I think it’s just part of being human – there are a good few lucky ones who will never get it, and will never understand it, but most people have experienced it to some degree, some emptiness and no joy, not looking forward to anything, feeling ****, hating yourself for being in the situation, feeling like your living the wrong life & this is not how things are supposed to be. But unfortunately it is – its part of being human, we can suffer, and when you do it’s important to go through it to see what you can learn about yourself, and come out the other side with a bit more depth in your soul and more understanding of other people.

Well I’ll add another suggestion or two as I’m here:
Maybe a life coach would be a good idea – someone said no one is going to hold your hand, your and adult, get on with it. Actually, what’s wrong with a bit of hand holding – we all need support and some validation – and maybe that’s what you need to get you going, you won’t need it for long. You’re stuck down a big black pit, you need someone to reach down to give you a hand out. A life coach or someone like that could motivate you, push you and have some great tools as to how to just get you going again, while being there to give support.

Or maybe you need a radical change in your life – go off somewhere new, go do a ski season, learn how to ski, meet loads of new people, see some beautiful mountains, go to India do some yoga, get a job on a luxury yacht, make serious money, meet loads of new people… Go on a singles holiday… Go travel through Europe for a few weeks…

Honestly, something IS going to inspire you, motivate you, renew you and give you energy – but no-one can tell you what it is, all they can do is offer support and advice, but you are the only one who has the answer.

LegacyUser

Now I know that I just have to trust my instincts and stick with them. If you feel that it helped you, you might try looking for another person. You don’t need a recommendation from your doc, there are loads out there, look some up. Is there anyone you know who could recommend one, maybe your nutritionist? It might be worth giving it a go, and just trust your instincts, if it’s not right for, just add it to experience and move on. Possibly your doctor could refer you to a psychologist – there is probably a long waiting list, but it’s another avenue to try.

I hear you, but I might go back to another GP and see if they know anything more about other approaches. Hopefully a younger GP might be a bit more open to this.

So what?? You went, it wasn’t for you, it had nothing to offer you, so you didn’t go – that’s the right thing to do. You don’t go back but you find something else. Again chalk it up to experience.

Erm, I didn't go. None of it looked appealing to me. The Meetup scene in Belfast is pretty limited. i don't even know what I like. I know I should try things out, but I get deflated easily if i try something and it fails.

Is it you want to build muscle? Improve cardio, stamina? Don’t go to the gym and do the same routine over and over – you will get nowhere, you need to change it up for it to be effective & keep it interesting.

I'm trying to bulk up as I'm quite scrawny!

Your totally stuck in a rut. You need to make a solid plan – just for one thing and do it when you say you’re going to do it, plan it be ready for it. And make yourself do it. And then give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing it. Anything, something small. And if it doesn’t work – try again ‘Give up, giving up!’ I think the problem is you lack inspiration – but inspiration isn’t going to come and knock on your door and invite you out for a good time. You just need to get out there, and once you keep trying different avenues, it WILL come, it will happen, and slowly you’ll start to get to the place where you automatically go and do things and it’s not going to be a huge effort.

I know I'm in a rut. Hopefully the GP can get someone to help me out. I've started going to cinema again. 2 weeks in a row now. Good to get out and get the cobwebs blown off me, but I feel safer in the art house cinema than the mainstream one as there are practically no solo's in the main one but plenty in the art house.


Well I’ll add another suggestion or two as I’m here:
Maybe a life coach would be a good idea – someone said no one is going to hold your hand, your and adult, get on with it. Actually, what’s wrong with a bit of hand holding – we all need support and some validation – and maybe that’s what you need to get you going, you won’t need it for long. You’re stuck down a big black pit, you need someone to reach down to give you a hand out. A life coach or someone like that could motivate you, push you and have some great tools as to how to just get you going again, while being there to give support.

Or maybe you need a radical change in your life – go off somewhere new, go do a ski season, learn how to ski, meet loads of new people, see some beautiful mountains, go to India do some yoga, get a job on a luxury yacht, make serious money, meet loads of new people… Go on a singles holiday… Go travel through Europe for a few weeks…

I've gone on quite a few holidays alone. Big epic trips. However, by the end of some of them I was lonely with the lack of things to do at night apart from wandering around alone. Although I did like to sit by myself and watch the world passing by with a beer/wine/coffee - watching the world but not taking part in the world...

Honestly, something IS going to inspire you, motivate you, renew you and give you energy – but no-one can tell you what it is, all they can do is offer support and advice, but you are the only one who has the answer.

This scares me. Maybe the answer is staring me in the face and I can't see it.

larrymickdick

Albert Gladstone Trotter V - I understand how you feel.
My advice to you is if you want to go to the cinema a lot get yourself a cineworld card. I have one and there's always people there on their own (me included). Most of the time I go by myself as I can watch anything and don't need to suit someone else and I always see loads of people there by themselves. (sometimes I go a couple of times a week!)

It's nice to have someone to help you out but you have to learn to depend on your own opinion. Hand holding is nice to a degree but you have to learn to do it for yourself. Support is nice if you're trying to change improve yourself/situation but the only person who can validate you is you.

You say that you can think positive thoughts but IMO I feel that you may have self-esteem/confidence issues. If you are trying to bulk up you should increase carbs and protein and cut down the amount of cardio work you do. Kettle bells is great for improving muscle tone.

I think in general if you research positive thinking on the internet is a way of instead of beating defeated at the smallest of knock backs it will encourage you to push through for yourself.

A lot of people on here have had terrible things happen to them and been in that black hole but we have made it out. You're only human like the rest of us and if we can do it - so can you