Co-sleeping to own room? How do I do it??

Shane Fitz

Hi gang, looking for some help and advise please. My wife returned to work in March after her ML, I fortunately was able to remain at home as stay home dad and have enjoyed being around our daughter so much
My problem is, through my own laziness, tiredness and lack of knowledge, I have fallen into the trap of baby only falling asleep in my arms or bedside me on sofa or in bed. For a while I thought it cute and loved the closeness, but have come to realise that such a prop (me) is not good for her.
She is 10mnths old, takes two 90min naps in my arms during the day, and sleeps 10-12hrs a night in bed with us.
We moved her cot into her own room about 6 weeks ago and she has yet to spend a whole night in it. She rebels against being put into her cot day or night, will only sleep in it briefly if she first gets all sleepy and cozy in my arms
I'm not a fan of the crying it out method, and when I try do it the baby whisperers way, ie reassure and resettle, I don't even get out of room before she's crying again. She will happily fall asleep on my shoulder as I stand beside cot, but the minute I move to put her down the hysterics start.
I have read the other threads here about babies sleeping routines etc, and most of the advise seems to revolve around settling a baby who has previously been asleep and has woken during the night. And while that is part of my problem, I can't even get her to go down in the first place.
Apologies for the rambling, and thank you to any of you who take the time to read through my post and have some advice for me.
S

galah

been there...:o

every baby is different I guess, so I am not sure if anything we did will help you - but we had the same problem, babba (8.5 months now) would only sleep in my arms during the day, any attempt to put him down into his cot did not work, he'd scream and be very very cranky, and since I couldn't bear it, back into my arms he went. (however, he'd sleep in his cot in our room at night, no probs, so it wasnt the cot that was the issue as such).

One day, however, I just persisted (knowing that I have to go back to work soon, and the childminder will probably not want him sleeping in her arms all day - or maybe she would, but the parents of the other kids may object...:p) - I made sure he was changed, well-fed, fairly tired out from playing, and just put him down in his cot, and stayed close by - and it worked. Poor thing was so knackered, he faffed a bit, then fell asleep. Did the same thing the next day - and now he either sleeps in his cot, or in his pram during a walk, but not in my arms any more. Sometimes he faffs/whinges a bit still, but I think he's just fighting sleep in general, nothing to do with where he sleeps.

In another thread, someone said to put something that smells of you in with the cot - to make it more familiar. It could also be the mattress that she hates? (we had that problem with a travel cot when we went abroad, the mattress was different to what he was used to, so we put a softer blanky between mattress and sheet (there may be a sids risk, not sure if this is the safest advice), and that did the trick).

Best of luck anyway!

pwurple

Is there a chair or bed in the room with the cot? Try a few evenings of putting baby down and staying in the chair for a few minutes while they fall asleep. Or let baby get very drowsy in your arms in the chair, rather than putting in cot fully awake.

Main thing is to never take them out of the room during the night. A psychiatrist friend told me when ours was very small that babies behave exactly like adults with a gambling addiction. Any tiny payoff (a small win) reinforces the behaviour. Try to stay in the room when they wake and continue to put back into the cot all night. You are changing a habit. It takes 4 consistant days to change any routine with a baby.

Tough to do when you are tired yourself. Good luck!

liliq

The only thing I could think of suggesting is to take it very slowly.
Make her room comfy and cosy (I'm sure you have already), and spend some time in there during the day with her so she's familiar with it, and it relaxed there.

Progress from that to her taking a day time nap in there, even if you have to sit and hold her hand for the first few goes, then naps when you're not there for a few days.
Once she feels safe it will hopefully be a little easier.
A parent knowing a baby is safe does not equal a baby feeling safe.

I think sometimes people assume babies understand everything and find it hard to see things from a little persons point of view- if you were suddenly asked to sleep somewhere unfamiliar with what feels like no reasonable explaination or reason, it would be unsettling too. Imagine your partner decided one day that it was time for you to start sleeping in the garage. That's why I try liken things to when I'm trying to figure how to make any transitions with my son, and he's only a month older than your daughter so they're roughly in the same place.

Good luck

leeomurchu

I'd start with trying to get her out of your arms common mistake people make myself included

When she goes for her naps do you just sit there with her in your arms have you tried putting her into the cot when she's asleep so she can get used waking up in her own room.

You could try giving her her bottle in the high chair and letting her have a nap there so she gets used to being out of you arms but can hear you pottering about as well. I'd imagine a part of it is that she's become used to the tv or radio being on while in your arms and when she goes up to the cot it's quiet.

It's gonna be a hard old road trying to bring in some sort of seperation now but it's better to do it now before she's walking out of her bed and coming into ye later on

I feel your pain though but basically start doing the opposite to what you have been even if she goes into the cot and wakes up bring her back down stairs and leave her awake and if she's sleepy put her back up eventually she'll get that the cot = sleep.

Best of luck with it, it does get easier.

My experience is 2 under 2 soon to be 3 under 3 and too think I used to joke it'd be handy being a stay at home dad. First didn't sleep through the night till after she turned 1 :mad: seconds a doddle in comparison

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

It takes 4 consistant days to change any routine with a baby.

That's nonsense by the way no 2 babies are alike

pwurple

Which bit don't you agree with? Being consistant is how you establish any routine surely.

leeomurchu

Consistency yes, putting a time constraint of 4 days is nonsense you could've said 6,10,15 days there's no set period of time for a baby to develop a routine.

pwurple

It's not a constraint at all, it's a guideline. It has been shown in sleep studies with babies to be the average.

People give up after 2 days when they think it isn't working... or take a day off, making it inconsistant. Consistant was the important word there, hence the bold text.

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

It's not a constraint at all, it's a guideline. It has been shown in sleep studies with babies to be the average.

People give up after 2 days when they think it isn't working... or take a day off, making it inconsistant. Consistant was the important word there, hence the bold text.

I'm to come across an average baby but yes consistency is the key but as I said before 4 days means nothing should they give up after 4 days which is why I said that was nonsense.

I'd be interested to see how many babies were involved in this sleep study to get the average baby. Just because it's written in a book doesn't necessarily make that true history is littered with evidence of that.

I don't disagree with your point just the wording of it.

pwurple

I think you're flying off the handle about something fairly innocuous to be honest.... I don't know how I could have made it clearer that what I was talking about was consistancy, I even tagged the text as bold, which I never do!


As we're being pedantic, there is a great deal of difference between:

"It has been shown to be the average."
and
"The average baby does the following"

The first is a measurable statement, with a scientific method and control groups. The other is unprovable as the average baby doesn't exist. I didn't say the second, I said the first.

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

I think you're flying off the handle about something fairly innocuous to be honest.... I don't know how I could have made it clearer that what I was talking about was consistancy, I even tagged the text as bold, which I never do!


As we're being pedantic, there is a great deal of difference between:

"It has been shown to be the average."
and
"The average baby does the following"

The first is a measurable statement, with a scientific method and control groups. The other is unprovable as the average baby doesn't exist. I didn't say the second, I said the first.

oh flippin hell you seem to be having trouble with me saying that your post stating 4 days was nonsense regardless of what you put in bold.

You seem to love making reference to medical advice did it honestly take a psychiatrist to point out that babies are clever and will manipulate you and will choose the easier option I would've thought this was common knowledge to any parent.

The first is in no way a measurable statement in the real world perhaps it is measurable in a scientific experiment but what factors were there in that experiment. What baby fitted the criteria for taking part were they all of a similar age similar health similar points of teething or not. Were any of the babies in the trial suffering from DS or similar conditions.

I've no interest in arguing over this but you seem to be quoting from a book which is no substitute for experience.

My point is that no 2 babies are alike yes consistency is the key but this is not always the only solution as there may be other factors involved. I didn't agree with your time frame of 4 days that is all you seem to be the one arguing the semantics of it.

I'll make one last point and add no further comment. Throughout life you'll find that not everybody will agree with your opinion these people will have no personal issue with you they just disagree with your point.

Shane Fitz

Mom!! The kids are fighting!!!


Thanks for all the advise guys, I've begun to put some of it into practice. The separation thing seems to be the biggest hurdle, she no falls asleep on the sofa beside me, rather than in my arms, and if she wakes during the night it's back down stairs. Our bed is off limits.
Good ideas about making the room more welcoming, it's funny when Mammy brings her up to the room, to do chores etc it's all good. The moment I set foot on the stairs with her in my arms she begins to fret, the closer to her room the worse she frets.

Yesterday I went up to put clothes away, so I put herself on the floor to play, she cried and made a bee-line for the door, and sat outside on the landing waiting until I was finished.

pwurple

Heh, sorry ShaneFtiz. Rude posts get my goat up everytime.

Anyway, glad to hear you're making progress. There's another thread about that might help from EllsBells. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056725291

Might not be the method for you, but no harm to have a look.

leeomurchu

haha I'm taking my ball and goin home

It's tough goin alright but be firm and it'll pay off

You won't know yourself once she's outta the bed and there's a lot more real estate available although that may lead to the next one. haha

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

Heh, sorry ShaneFtiz. Rude posts get my goat up everytime.

Oh please stop whinging because I didn't agree with you. Jebus how to stop kids whinging will be the next topic. :rolleyes:

I wasn't rude I disagreed with you GET OVER IT.

pwurple

I thought you didn't want to argue?

Calling someone's opinion "Nonsense" is rude.
As is offering condescending life advice when not requested.
As it shouting 'GET OVER IT' in with your caps lock stuck on.

From a quick sconce at your posting history, I see it is your general modus operandi... so my apologies to the original poster, and to the mods for being dragged off topic.

Back on topic..

If she wakes during the night it's back down stairs.

Did you try putting something in babies room for you to sit on for this bit? A beanbag, or chair maybe. Or even a single bed if it can fit. We always found it handy to be able to sit down and see if the baby calmed down for a few minutes in the room before going somewhere else.

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

I thought you didn't want to argue?

Calling someone's opinion "Nonsense" is rude.
As is offering condescending life advice when not requested.
As it shouting 'GET OVER IT' in with your caps lock stuck on

You are delusional my dear and i also did a quick check on you and see it's common place to offer misguided information, do you actually have any kids..

I've no more interest in listening to your drivel now please carry on spouting you silly little girl.

That was intended to be rude

leeomurchu

pwurple wrote: »

I thought you didn't want to argue?

Calling someone's opinion "Nonsense" is rude.
As is offering condescending life advice when not requested.
As it shouting 'GET OVER IT' in with your caps lock stuck on.

For someone just giving their opinion you were very matter of fact " It takes 4 consistant days to change any routine with a baby." According to whom??

You clearly need life advice as you don't handle a differing opinion very well. Do you always have to right??

You seemed to be struggling with something so I though maybe shouting it might help you resolve your issue.

The idea of a forum is to have a discussion on the matter you decided to get all offended when I called you point nonsense which it is, I've reiterated each time that your point on consistency is true but you point on a baby needing 4 days is nonsense should one be lead to believe that after the last minute in the 96th hour all will be calm and sorted.. Please don't say yes.

Anyway a bit more life advice. You won't always be right. I won't post on this issue anymore. Perhaps I'm on a mission to rid boards.ie of a certain type or opinion. Non professional but always right!:rolleyes:

Neyite

ShaneFitz, we are currently in transitioning from Moses Basket in living room to Cot in the bedroom, and I decided since its a change for baby i might as well try to break a few bad habits too - me nursing baby to sleep, and daddy has a way of rocking that was fine when baby was newborn and weighed half nothing, but will be impossible to do now he is getting heavier.

Other problems that we have is that I didnt maintain a routine from birth, and fed on demand which resulted in baby feeding about 15 times a day, and napping badly - short naps here and there but no proper naps, which in turn is affecting his night time sleep. I dont want a rigid schedule, but I do want a consistent day where we wake up approximately the same time, and do the same things at the same time at any given day. A pattern really.

I read the baby whisperers book - the common misconception about her seems to be that she advocates Crying it Out, but she doesnt - in fact the book takes pains to stress that she does not believe in nor would she ever use the CIO method or Controlled Crying. Which is fine by me. I dont believe in it either.

Anyway, I started by putting the moses basket in the cot the first day, with a chair beside the cot. Today the basket came out and he is in the cot, as I felt there was no point in getting him used to it for a week or so only to move the goalposts on him again. I think I have broken the nursing to sleep habit, but stopping the rocking to sleep will be more gradual. What I have done is stopped rocking, but still holding him, then patting his tummy gently. Hopefully this will evolve into the sh/pat method the book suggests to re-settle baby in the cot. I wait until he is almost asleep but not quite to put him in the cot. I had to do this a couple of times but he did take a short nap in the cot today. Once he happily takes to the cot, I'll work on the soother as I think it wakes him when it falls out, then maybe his naps will get longer if he wakes and is able to get back to sleep himself.

The first few days I got disheartened because the day would start off great then the whole plan went out the window. I had to remind myself that its a gradual process. I have put a chair beside the cot and Angry Birds on the phone, and I will stay put until he is settled in his new surroundings.

Shane Fitz

Guys, advice is welcome, fighting is not.... So get off my thread and take it to PM if you've nothing more to constructive to offer.
Whether it takes 4 days or 4 weeks is irrelevant at the moment tbh. It's a method, that when used consistently I'm after.
You have both offered some good advice, which I appreciate, but come on.... Stop snipping at eachother!

There is a chair in her room, and I have tried sitting in it hoping she'd settle herself but no, cries n cries until I pick her up, nodded of the moment she was in my arms and as soon as I tried put her down she's crying again before even in the cot.

Moonbeam

leeomurchu wrote: »

Oh please stop whinging because I didn't agree with you. Jebus how to stop kids whinging will be the next topic. :rolleyes:

I wasn't rude I disagreed with you GET OVER IT.

This sort of posting here is inappropriate and unwelcome.
Any repeat of this will result in an infraction .

Moonbeam

Can we get this thread back on topic please.
Folks you are all trying to help and none of you are experts so please take that in to account before you attack another poster.

leeomurchu

Shane Fitz wrote: »

Whether it takes 4 days or 4 weeks is irrelevant at the moment tbh.

That's what I was pointing out until someone took exception. Good Luck with it hopefully she'll figure out a routine soon enough. It does get easier though trust me. I won't post here again.