don't Think I am grieving properly

clarbar

Hi guys, posted before about me and my ex we were with each other for 3years ,broke up about month ago because he told me he cheated on me in the uk with brothels where we lived for a year, then a week later out of no where he had committed suicide. Im 21, very messed up at the moment and feeling so many emotions, but I just don't want to cry , My mam has been giving out to me and Im in the anger stage at the moment so I hate my ex for doing this to me can't bare to see pictures of him or anything . I have been drinking non stop for the last two weeks since he has died,I feel like im slowly destroying myself bit by bit. Last night I woke up couldn't sleep and just decided to go for a cycle at 4.30 in the morning ,I found a house party just to drink at,I even went off with someone which I feel even worse about now .

I really hate being sober , I hate having to think about him or being around anything that reminds me of him.I angry ,guilty,and confused and really don't know how to feel or what to do . My family is annoyed at me for drinking and not grieving

Herrick

Hi clarbar.

Would you consider going to a counselor? It can help in ways you couldn't imagine.

a fat guy

Your family is annoyed at your for being self-destructive after a traumatic incident?

If I may be frank for a moment, they are ignorant idiots.

Don't give them the time of day, but make sure that you talk to someone about how you feel; a close friend, professional help, anyone that can lend an impartial ear.

I mean look at yourself! How is ruining yourself in response to the death of a former lover not a form of grief in itself? Do not even question this, you are affected quite badly from what has happened and are grieving in your own way. I lock myself away from everyone I know and engage in escapism when encountering bereavement, so you see that everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

Your family just doesn't understand it or doesn't want to, and they aren't helping. Don't take it too personally, no-one is perfect at the end of the day.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that your behaviour is entirely normal. A couple of years ago I lost someone very close to me and did pretty much you're doing now. Didn't sleep, barely ate and drank for about two weeks straight.

Its understandable, you've been through a huge shock and its totally overwhelming. I know what I was doing was just avoiding the rawness of the pain. Its not necessarily a very healthy reaction, but it is pretty normal. And soon enough you will calm down a little.

I would suggest getting some counselling. Its a lot to have to deal with and friends and family, in spite of having the best intentions, will just not know how to help you to the level which you need it.

Look after yourself X

Kimia

Hey Op. I am sorry that this has happened to you. It must be one of the most difficult situations to be in and I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling right now. Not only do you have to deal with the anger and sadness you feel about the end of the relationship, but you also have to deal with the grief that someone you loved has died by suicide.

The most important thing here is you. If you need to be destructive, to drink, to do crazy things, that's your coping mechanism and not one person should judge you for it. We all have different ways to cope with things and right now you are doing the best that you can with the unbelievable hard situation you have been placed in. Don't be hard on yourself, just do what you need to do to feel better.

Try not to listen to those who try and shame and judge you. They are not in your shoes and couldn't possibly understand. It must make this even harder for you. If you don't have the means for a counselor (which is a good idea) - call one of the distress lines, like the Samaritans. Maybe you need to talk to someone non-judgemental right now just to feel heard. How you feel is important.

I wish you all the best.

edellc

Hi OP,

You say your mother is giving out to you at the moment but you dont say if this is in relation to your behaviour since your ex BF passed on. If it is this then its time to sit down and talk to her about what has happened and how you are feeling in a grown up manner, your mother loves you and wants what is best for you and sometimes when parents behave angry towards us its due to their frustration at our behaviour, she is not an ignorant idiot as one poster has suggested more than likely a mother worried about her young daughter and her destructive behaviour.

Yes a counsellor can help but he has only passed 2wks ago and although we all grieve in different ways and it doesnt have a time frame 2wks is still fairly fresh.

The other thing I wanted to say was that you had broken up prior to this awful event, how where you coping with the break up, as its a bit horrible what he was doing on you and for you own sake I would get tested for std's if you havent already.

Have you thought of keeping a diary of how your feeling and what is going on in your head this can be a great help and also help you sort out your feelings and give you some relief, if he was buried try visit the grave and talk to him about how your feeling also, I did this when mam passed and found it a great help as I did with the diary.

I hope you stop on this self destruct mode OP as its not doing you any good and you may do long term damage to yourself and I am sure that is not what your ex would have wanted to happen to you, he may not be here but you are and he would want you to have a long happy life and be as productive a person as you can be.

I hope you find some peace op x