Considering ending my relationship

LegacyUser

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old boy. For some time now I have been very unhappy. I feel isolated from friends and family where we live and my partner spends quite a bit of time working away from home so I am often left there alone. In addition our little boy has had health problems which have been a constant worry. Needless to say we have been through a tough time but now my little boy has recovered.

I was diagnosed with late onset post natal depression some months ago and have been taking anti-depressants for this. I've started to feel better about most things in my life except for my relationship with my partner. He is very serious and we rarely laugh together which is something I really feel I need in a partner. I suppose I didn't notice as much because we lived near to friends and family and there was always someone else around to share a joke with. He is very caring and a great father but there is no fun in our lives. I was very much in love with him before but now I don't feel it any more and I want to end our relationship.

However, I know that he would be heartbroken and that it would be setting our son up for a life time of sharing his time between us. I have spoken at length with my partner about this but he can't change his personality and it's not fair of me to expect him too. AT the moment I am the only person unhappy in this situation and I feel my options are to just get on with things to keep my partner and son happy OR to be selfish and break up the family.

I am so torn and would really appreciate some other peoples point of view on this.

Curry Addict

your partner has had a rough time. it sounds like he hasnt had much to laugh about for a long time. work, depressed wife, sick baby is a recipe for misery.
its better now but there is new pressures on him from you. maybe he needs time to come out of it after carrying these burdens for a long time.
maybe you can bring the sunshine back into his life. show him hes loved and appreciated and you might find the man you loved in there somewhere.

I think you've both been through a lot OP and it sounds like it would be easy enough to get lost somewhere along the way.
I think given all you've been through it might not be the time to make any drastic decision like this? I especially think it might be time for the two of you to try and go out on your own on a few date nights, try to forget about everything else and make time for the two of you, if at all possible.
You might find him lightening up and the two of you bonding again then

Peanut2011

Hi OP,

I must say that is a very though situation to be in. There is nothing worse than to feel backed in to the corner and not seeing the way out. You are very much focused on the negative position that you find your self in now, however you have not mentioned once what has gotten the two of you together.

What was it that drew you two together? What was the life together for the first 2 years? Also, since the child was born, how has the relationship gone? Is there any additional pressure on him as a result which has made him shut down and not be as happy and in good mood where it does not make him laugh as much?

There has to be a happy medium and I know from my own relationship I would be very opposite. I end up making a joke out of everything and as much as my partner and me love and laugh at all that and have fun, it is very hard to sit down with me and have a serious conversation which at time is just as frustrating.

Do you have any friends around? I can imagine it is hard to make friends and find them especially when you have the small child and you must devote nearly all your time to them but could this be the reason for your unhappiness?

It just sounds to me that you have grown apart as a result of his long working hours and you growing resentment as you are the one stuck at home.

As I don't know how it all was before maybe that is something you need to review and see if there was anything there before that you really liked and try to work towards having that again. Maybe you should approach a health care professional to help you deal with your post natal not just by way of medication but maybe some local support groups where you might be able to meet other women in same situation and form your own circle of friends who help each other get trough this.

However I must say if you have tried all this and you still just don't see your relationship going anywhere it might be worth considering what is next. Last thing you want to do is stay there just for the sake of the child having the two parents together. If nothing is fixed your unhappiness will continue to grow, the two of you will argue and so on. Child will be better off having the two parents who are happy and separated than together and unhappy and fighting.

Also, you need to consider your own happiness and well-being as you won't be able to give it your all to that child if you are depressed and unhappy.

What ever you decide and what ever you do I really wish you the best of luck, it is hard but I am sure you will be able to get trough this which ever way you think is best for you.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

I do agree that my partner has been through a rough time also but I have made ample efforts to show him how much I care. I've suggested date nights etc so that we can spend some time alone together but I find it is always me putting pressure on him to go somewhere, he would be happy to just sit at home and play Xbox or watch movies everynight. Which is fine but I'd like it if we could get out together every now and again.

We used to put on movies that we never watched because we were chatting so much. We used to really enjoy each others company, were always cuddled up on the couch together. Now we don't even sit on the same couch most of the time.

I do have a good circle of friends who are always there if I need them but I'm at a point where I feel I am a drain on them. I also work full time so it's not that I am stuck at home constantly. I am miserable all the time and I just want to get back to being the old me.

LegacyUser

Op this may be an unpopular viewpoint, but i feel it's another perspective which should be given. I think perhaps you are being very unfair on your husband, it can be incredibly emotionally draining to be around someone who is depressed, I've experienced this first hand with my own mother, it is very hard to be cheery and upbeat the whole time, yes you may have gotten help for your depression but often times the negativity created by the depressed person can leave a lasting impression on those around them.

op, I suffer from depression myself so I'm not blaming you, but i know how my moods can drag others down, sometimes it's like walking on eggshells around me, now you may feel better, but for him that fear of upsetting you may still exist. He may just need time himself to get over the effects of your depression on top of all the other stress. Honestly i think confronting him on being too serious was very unfair and a little selfish, at the end of the day it's not his job "to put fun in your lives" that is something that you are both responsible for, and i wonder how much "fun" you have brought to the table while depressed, i dont mean that to sound harsh op..I just get the sense that you may see your partner as the root of the loneliness/isolation/lack of fun in your life, but he may not be the problem, often times a symptom of depression is pushing away those you love...op are you seeing a counsellor at all?

Before you make any decisions maybe it would help you both to see someone and talk about things, depression doesn't just affect those who have it, it also effects those around you....now op thats not to say you aren't right and you have fallen out of love with this man, but other than talking with him about his personality thats all you've tried (and surely there was something about his personality that attracted you to him in the first place), do you not owe it to both your son and your partner to at least try working things out/going to see a counsellor/go on date nights just the two of you/a short weekend break alone/etc, try everything in your power to make it work before you call it a day? At the risk of sounding offensive op you don't seem to want to try/have tried to save your relationship, it all seems very "all or nothing" and that for me sounds alarm bells that making such a rash decision may be heavily influenced by your depression and something you will deeply regret in a few years time.

I'd urge you to at the very least talk things through with a counsellor before you make such a huge decision. Hope i haven't offended you op, all the best, i really mean that, you've both been through a lot, i hope it works out for both of you..

Gooner111

OP In the long run you need to do what is best for yourself but before ending your relationship I would suggest you to try one last time. Make sure you've given your all before ending things.

You need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship... it looks to me like your nearly set on it being over.

If you want it to work then talk to your patner again. Tell him everything again... spell out your feelings, what you want and were the relationship is headed for right now. Find out if he wants to keep it going. You don't appear to be looking for drastic changes but you have to be realistic too.

Start out with small changes like doing your movie night and cuddles on the same couch again. Agree to more nights out. You's can have fun without him needing to change his personality. If your looking for a some super funny happy go lucky person then your being unfair on your partner. It is not his job to make you happy, you have to do that yourself. He can help your happiness of course by doing things with you and making an effort. But you have to happy with yourself first. [Sorry if that seems harsh, not intended as such]

What about you trying to make him laugh??? Silly I know but... get a joke book. Read a few of them to him. Try lighten the mood. Maybe agree to ban work talk. Read the same book and talk about it. Try playing some of his xbox games - just don't beat him!!

Remember it will take effort from both of you to make it work.

Good luck

vivrelaf

Hi Op,am in the same situation as you, only I am married 22 years.We dont talk except to argue, its really awful. Have 4 children its them thats stopped me walking but now I think things would be better for them if the had 2 happy separate parents. Your child is young enough to do that now.Its heart breaking we have been through so much having lost a business early in the recession. Tried date nights(my suggestion)always me doing the planning.That lasted for about 2 nights.I was happy for most of my married life.Its having to bite the bullet and tell the family and extended family thats the next thing.Hope your situation improves.Best of Good Luck.