New relationship-something off

LegacyUser

Hi- I am just looking for some advice about my new BF.

We are together nearly five months and everything is going really well apart from one thing that is niggling at me. We have only had sex when we have been drinking. Is this normal? We both work shift work and often go for 3-4 days without seeing each other and when we do it is all great, we would be cuddling on the couch watching a dvd or messing around playfighting and kissing but it stops there.

During the week we were in bed, I was just in underwear snuggled up to him rubbing his chest and he just didnt seem interested - also when he finished work I brought him dinner, his favourite beer and favourite dessert, we watched his favourite tv shows and then I was kissing him ( trying to initiate something) and again I just felt he didnt want to know about it.

I am crazy about him but I feel like while everything is great in other respects there is something missing. I am aware perhaps I need to be more forward but I am quite shy and I just want him to initiate something rather than just drink fuelled sex ? Its either than or I am being overly sensitive. Any advice would be appreciated.

Beruthiel

wanttostayanon wrote: »

I am quite shy and I just want him to initiate something

You're with him five month. It should never be left down to one person to initiate something all the time.
Time to loose the shyness and go for it while sober.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're with him five month. It should never be left down to one person to initiate something all the time.
Time to loose the shyness and go for it while sober.

I suppose I should have been clearer- I have tried to go for it while sober but felt like there was no response to it. I mean no response as in pulling away or kind of pulling me in fro a cuddle rather than anything else. I feel its strange that he is quite touchy feely all the time but thats it. I know he is crazy about me - he is constantly telling me but I feel something is not right. both of us would consider this our first serious relationship I am early 20's and he is early 30's . Maybe he is shy too?

MariMel

Just go for it and initiate sex and do it more than once too. But obviously try it at times you think your partner is not tired etc so that will not be an excuse.

Worse case scenario it could be what happened to me and I ended up crying from the lack of physical contact I had with my ex. Felt he was only doing it cos I wanted it. Turned out he was shagging behind my back with both men and women. ANd I did everythng you said....cooked his favourite meals.....knew exactly when he wanted his coffee and had a beer to hand for when he sat down after dinner.

At this stage in your relationship your sexual appetites for each other should be high. I am not saying sex every night but you should at least feel like he fancies you in a sexual way and that it comes easily for him.
How long do you intend on waiting any seeing if things improve?

As Beruthiel says......go for it.

ShaShaBear

Just go for it! Who knows, he could be just as shy as you are!

If he is enthusiastic, it will abolish the shyness for you both.
If he rejects you, you can confront him on your concerns without sounding a bit needy, and find out what the deal is. I had an ex who had the sexual appetite of a crusty stone, but even still during the first five months we were intimate at least once a week!

LegacyUser

MariMel wrote: »

Just go for it and initiate sex and do it more than once too. But obviously try it at times you think your partner is not tired etc so that will not be an excuse.

Worse case scenario it could be what happened to me and I ended up crying from the lack of physical contact I had with my ex. Felt he was only doing it cos I wanted it. Turned out he was shagging behind my back with both men and women. ANd I did everythng you said....cooked his favourite meals.....knew exactly when he wanted his coffee and had a beer to hand for when he sat down after dinner.

At this stage in your relationship your sexual appetites for each other should be high. I am not saying sex every night but you should at least feel like he fancies you in a sexual way and that it comes easily for him.
How long do you intend on waiting any seeing if things improve?

As Beruthiel says......go for it.

I suppose I feel like what you said. that he doesn't fancy me in a sexual way. At the start and before wwe were together he done all the pursuing and made it very clear that he really liked me etc and even now he is always complimentary and affectionate but it stops.

I don't want to come across as pushy or needy by bringing it up too soon - I am cautious of discussing intimate detail of our relationship with friends and as I am not to experienced in realationships I wanted to see could other people give objective opinions on it!

Beruthiel

wanttostayanon wrote: »

I wanted to see could other people give objective opinions on it!

My opinion would be, ask him straight out if there is a particular reason why he only initiates sex while drunk.
Maybe it has something to do with inhibitions, but you won't find out until you talk to him.
Five months in, you should be able to have a frank and open discussion on it.

ElleEm

One of my first relationships was similar, OP, in that we would only have sex drunk. It turned out that the guy had actually never had sex sober so was really really nervous about it. He was 23 at the time and had a few short term relationships before me but still always had to have drink taken.

I wouldn't imagine it is that uncommon, as a few years later, I met another guy who was 24 at the time and had again never had sex sober. He said having sober sex made him feel like he was losing his virginity again.

Could this be maybe what's going on for your guy?