Problematic mother

seven_eleven

Heya everyone. My mother who is in approaching her late 40's has been a serious problem for me and my family for the past 21+ years Ive been alive.

She has an attitude problem of some sort (best way I can put it). As long as I can remember she will argue and scream over the smallest of things, often throwing huge violent tantrums or having 'episodes', to put it nicely.
My childhood is riddled with constant memories of her visciously arguing with my father, roaring her head off at us like some kind of deranged animal. I never wanted to invite friends over (and still wont) out of fear she will throw one of her tantrums when they're around.

Every family holiday we've ever been on she has completely ruined by memories of her creating a scene because she didn't get her way, or something of no significance annoyed her.
A few years back we were visiting the cliffs of moher. Driving along we saw the carpark and decided to check down the road a bit further to see if there was a cheaper one. But no, she decides that we were driving too close to the cliffs and were going to fall off so we should go back immediatley.
She proceeded to scream, kick shout, flail around like a stupid deranged animal, open the door and snarl while screaming all sorts of stuff. I only assume because she was so delerious enough to think we were actually going to drive off the cliff (which she has a fear of) that was about a kilometer away and out of sight.
She screamed and abused us, cried, brought up past arguments, I ended up screaming back at her to calm down after soft-spoken words failed and this continued throughout the day.

Another time, she made a huge scene in a hotel lobby because we didnt want to get a different timed tour bus than the one she wanted to. Cursing and abusing us at the top of her voice.

She frequently ruins relations with family members, constantly argues with them and gets upset. One little thing went wrong for her today, and she proceeded to stomp, kick doors, slam everything, cry, snarl and show her teeth like a dog etc.

The majority of the day she sits around staring at the tv or on the computer playing the same flash game over and over again. Never goes to bed until about 2 or 3am and even then I dont think she gets more than 2 hours sleep a night (frequently complains about this, but its a problem she can easily fix).
Now she isnt all that bad, she makes dinner and cleans which I am highly greatful for, but aside from that she just sulks and mopes around, looking for the slightest thing to get angry at.

I genuinly think she has some mental problems, and shows frequent signs of depression and anger issues which have only gotten worse over the past 2 years. I think she needs help, but this is the part that really gets me.
I think I have come to despise her. She makes me sick. I hate seeing her, talking to her, being near her. She has disgusting habbits which churn my stomach. I know some of you might be thinking Im complaining about a petty problem, as there are far worse households out there where abuse is commonplace.

Luckily thats not the case with me, but her attitude has left her mark with me and my family emotionally. there have been once or twice where her attitude has been so out of order that Ive raised my fist to her. She has pinned me against the wall with the kitchen table as a 16 year old. I have considered ringing the Gardai over he behaviour. But luckily things like this dont happen often.

I have told her several times that she has a problem and needs help, but I guess Ive never said it in a way that wasnt during one of her shouting matches. The pure thought of mentioning it to her in a quite and serious manner makes me cringe. I dont think I care for her that much.
She's a cold hearted, irrational, problematic, repugnant woman and I dont know how to deal with her anymore.

I really want to move out but as I have no income or third level education this is not an option for me.

Im just looking for some advice about how to deal with both her and my emotions for her. Im sure many of you are rolling your eyes at my ungratefulness but thats just how Ive come to feel. I also needed to get this off my chest as it makes me angry to think about. Im generally not an angry person.

LegacyUser

seven_eleven wrote: »

Heya everyone. My mother who is in approaching her late 40's has been a serious problem for me and my family for the past 21+ years Ive been alive.

I really want to move out but as I have no income or third level education this is not an option for me.

You're a twenty-one year old who appears to despise his mother yet is still living with her.

My advice: Behave like an adult, be responsible for yourself. Get some education and / or a job and move out.

LegacyUser

OP, in this order:

1. You have no income, get a job/apply for welfare.

2. Move out asap!

3. Once you are out, you will have more perspective with regards to your feelings for your mother. I might help you calm down and not be quite so angry if you're not around her all that much.

4. And seriously, I'm no doctor, but if what you are saying is accurate, she needs help. But the fact that you'd raise a fist to your mother a number of times kind of makes me think that you have some anger issues yourself.

seven_eleven

Thanks. I am trying to get a proper education which is going to take some time obviously, and welfare income just isnt enough to move out.

But the fact that you'd raise a fist to your mother a number of times kind of makes me think that you have some anger issues yourself.

Ive done this once that I remember, there might have been a second time, Im not sure. But it has been 5+ years since Ive done this.

tinker217

Hi OP, I can empathise as I was in/am in a similar situation. My mother had a brain tumor removed 10 years ago. Since then she has been angry, irrational and emotional. She has hit both myself and my siblings on many occasions and at 1 stage turned to drink to cope. She would get angry in public and has pushed most family and friends away because of it. This went on for years until recently she decided to get help. She is now with a group that specialise in acquired brain injuries. I think the only way to solve your problem is to try and seek help. When she is calm you need to help her acknowledge that her behaviour is not normal or acceptable. Her GP should be able to help her or refer to someone that can. Without professional help the situation will only deteriorate.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

OP we could have the same mother. I actually thought you could be my brother when I began reading your post with the Cliffs of Moher thing. VERY similar situation occurred when I was thirteen or so. And again, family holidays stick out a lot with me in terms of memories.

There's an assumption that kids, once they become young adults have to start looking after their parents. It's almost as if they don't they're ungrateful. I would say this is only true in healthy families. A parent cannot expect to have the support of their children if they behave like animals towards them.

At the end of the day look out for yourself first. This kind of situation is TOXIC and will begin to wear you down further.

You're 21 - a year older than me. You need to get it together quickly. Years go by at an astonishing rate and the situation is going to nosedive rapidly.

Get a job - a part-time job. 250 per week is more than enough to live in either a studio apartment or house share. Then think about college.

I've broken myself with work for the last year. Twelve hour shift yesterday. Building up a RaboDirect savings account. The pride and relief I feel to be able to step out of this situation on my own, while attending college to boot, is overwhelming.

Our situations are extremely similar. But you need to act. GET OUT.

filmbuffboy

OP i cant agree with the poster above me enough. you need to get out of that toxic situation and start liviing for you!

JoJoK

Hi OP,

Think you need to get out!

Look up citizens information website about the Back to Education Allowance and also full time FAS courses, they pay 188pw and an accommodation or travel allowance that would pay for a room in a shared house... Won't happen overnight but if you can focus on preparing for something positive like this it could make life more bearable in the meantime.

Also, maybe it would be an idea to have an informal chat to your mum's GP about her behaviour and consider that you've done all you can for her, time to focus on you! Best of luck

LegacyUser

In a very similar situation with a mother that literally drives me to the edge of my own sanity. I have come very close to lashing out at own mother because she drives me absolutely insane and I am the least angry/violent person you could meet. Every big occasion in my life has been ruined by her. However, I am slowly learning now that I have LET her ruin every occasion.

For me to deal with her, I had to stop regarding her as my mother but instead look at her as an extremely mentally ill woman. I found it alot easier to deal with when I took the emotional stuff out of it. It's not easy and I am frequently sad over my non existent relationship with her. But it's not my fault and I have to keep telling myself that. Take care of yourself and spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself, not people who are toxic to you. I also found by walking out whenever she starts acting crazy a way of dealing with it, then discussing later when she is calm why I walked out. It's all about setting boundaries for yourself because you may find that she will never change, as much as you want her to. You have to figure out a way of coping with her. Best of luck because I know how hard it is

LegacyUser

Op, you could have described MY mother in your post.

First I will tell you one thing - do not EVER feel guilt about her alleged 'problems' - she is acting a certain way deliberately for attention. She may be depressed yes but don't think for one minute that it's your fault or your problem to solve for her. Her depression sounds like an incredibly selfish, self-loving thing, to wallow in her lows when she feels 'entitled' to have them and then to act like a mad woman when she seeks attention.
Two extremes, but both the same thing - SELFISH.

The effect it is having (and will have) on you is causing you real harm. It is causing depression in you.
A mother should care for and respect her childs life, she is ignoring you, your feelings and your need for a parent and dragging you down.
This is what gives her strength. It's an invisible strength (though she appears 'weak' DELIBERATELY) she has (and all mothers have this automatic 'power' to play God with their childs life - to love or to destroy) and you need to be aware that she has this strength and she uses it to manipulate people in to 'obeying' her.

The main source of her strength is her 'audience' - you and your immediate family and as she likes to make public scenes as well, there is the general public to pander to for notice.
Remove her audience and she will fail.
In other words OP - GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Another poster mentioned FAS - you will likely be accepted straight away and will get an immediate source of income. During this time you could save some cash for a deposit and rent a room, in the mean time you will be getting away from your mother for at least 6 hours a day and maybe your local health centre could help you with rent after a while?
If you go to your GP and tell him/her about your awful situation (and it IS awful), they can advise you and help you, even write a note on your behalf - you can not and should not suffer in silence and have NO shame in looking for help - that is what they are there for.

Or there any other family members you could stay with? It would be great if you could and were on a paid course as well.

You don't say anything about talking to your family - is it a household where everyone stays quiet/doesn't communicate behind her back and denies that anything is wrong/'acts' normal the majority?

Myself - it is only the past few months that my father and sister can talk about my mother and how she treats them, now that I've left. Sadly she is harrassing them even more now that I'm not there anymore to be victimised by her. I was her main target.
In a twisted way EVERYONE in this kind of family needs the others to shoulder the burden -
my sister doesn't live with her either but still speaks to her and visits almost daily which in itself is enabling her bad behaviour (by providing the audience) and then I get the angry/depressive phonecalls moaning how bad mam was today/what she said/what she did etc and although I'm gone THEY ARE ALL TRYING TO DRAG ME BACK THERE IN THEIR OWN DYSFUNCTIONAL WAY. And who's at the centre of the universe, loving the chaos she's causing?
Then there's my dad - a chronic alcoholic, takes the phone off my sister (who deliberately phones me when he's beside her) to make me feel guilt "call up and see me during the week, won't you love?" etc
It's about ALL I can take.

Trust me though the situation you are living in will drag you down to a point where you won't want to leave the house and before you know it you will be 25, 30 and still living under her controle, with no education, skills, experience.
Volunteer - anything to get away from her a few days a week. You will meet people who care for others or for animals and these are the best kind of people to spend your time with. Go out for walks - anything to leave the house.

I understand fully what you are going through and PLEASE don't go through it alone.
You write extremely well and come across as very mature and intelligent.
Do NOT let your abilities go to waste.
At the moment it is your confidence that is low and even if you didn't do well in school it doesn't mean that you are not clever or academic but even if you weren't good at 'the subjects' there are a million other things you can excel at that don't involve any of the leaving cert subjects :-) Community colleges will take you based on the interest and determination you can show.

When she starts again, get up and leave the room/lock yourself in yours if need be - just don't argue back with her - this is ALL she wants, it makes her feel good and better and you then take on all her ill feelings.
Some people should never have children.

You say "I have told her several times that she has a problem and needs help, but I guess Ive never said it in a way that wasnt during one of her shouting matches. The pure thought of mentioning it to her in a quite and serious manner makes me cringe. I dont think I care for her that much"...well you really DON'T have to have 'that' talk
- IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
SHE is the 'parent', the so-called 'adult' - you should never have to stress over something like that or embarrass yourself.

I've beat myself up a thousand times 'practicing' 'that' talk with my mother and you know what - I'm so glad I never did.
There were letters too that I've never sent - I got more pleasure out of burning them.
The slightest little bit of attention or sympathy you show to a manipulating idiot like that and you're right back to where you started - it empowers them and it weakens you.
And this is their biggest goal.

Post again and tell us how you are today/have you thought up anything new/gone about a course etc

Look after yourself.

BarackPyjama

OP - while I wouldn't recommend trying to diagnose your mother, look up 'borderline personality disorder' on Google and it might help you come to terms with your mother's behaviour - assuming that what you read strikes a chord.

Maple

BarackPyjama wrote: »

OP - while I wouldn't recommend trying to diagnose your mother, look up 'borderline personality disorder' on Google and it might help you come to terms with your mother's behaviour - assuming that what you read strikes a chord.

I appreciate your advice is well meaning but is also misplaced. The only person qualified to diagnose the condition, if there is one, is the mother's GP.

Maple