Spouse - inappropriate friendship

ifonlyicud

Hi, Hope I can get some good objective advice here.... (sorry about the long thread)

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. We've had plenty of communication and "typical" marraige issues over the years as many couples do, but I believe that she still loves me and I know that I love her deeply.

Recently I started a new job and was consumed by it for a period. During that period my wife was dealing with a family bereavement that happenned some years ago and I didn't realize that she was struggling as much as I now know she was - my bad.
During that period, she made contact with a former male friend on FB and they became close (obviously I was aware of this until recently). One weekend recently she went to the city to meet this dude and stayed in his house (he had children there as he is seperated). On her return I became suspicious and checked her phone and FB account and found the stream of texts and chat with this man - I was devastated. The content was non sexual, but definitely inappropriate for a married person.
When confronted, she lied at first until I showed her the proof. She swears that nothing took place with this man and I do believe her - not because I want to but because she is not the type to have an affair. She says that she was lonely and I wasn't there for her,but she acknowledges that it was the wrong thing to do.
She promised to cut all contact and we agreed to get help for bereavement and for our relationship. Since then we have had great love, closeness and affection - up until now.

I found out that she is still in contact with this man. Each time she's confronted with it, she says that it's innocent chat and that it's me she loves and wants to be with for the rest of her life - even our counsellor agres with this! (which does help some)

I'm totally confused and don't know what to do. She says that I need to let it go (but also says that she has broken all contact when I know that she hasn't) and that my suspicision is damaging us.

Why would she want to remain in contact with somebody when she knows that it hurts me deeply and has caused so much trouble? Why is this friendship so important to her?
On one hand she says that it's me that she loves, there is no threat from him and she wants to move on.But she also says that she is not in contact with him. I want to move on too, but I am struggling to, while I believe that there is a toxic and secret friendship going on in the background.
Advice please..........

Zulu

So in essence, she's been unfaithful to you (at the very least on an emotional level, but realistically on a sexual level as well) and when caught she lied.
She then promised to cut ties with this person, but lied again.
She continues to lie & act contrary to your (reasonable) boundaries, such that you can no longer trust her.

Am I getting that correct?

...now, what's the question? (surely you know the answer deep down, but are afraid to face it?)

Zulu

To answer the question you posed: it's not for her to determine if he's a threat to your relationship. Their relationship is ruining yours.
You know this.
She knows this.
He knows this.

If she's serious about your relationship (her actions defy this) she should have no problem cutting ties with him. By staying in touch, subvertly, she's determined that her relationship with him is more important to her.
She's happy to risk loosing your relationship, but not his; she's sacrificing your happiness and trust for his.
She says she loves you - maybe she does, but she's treating you like filth.

There is no respect.

ifonlyicud

Maybe so.....

However,for context a couple of points...

1. The professional counsellor holds the strong opinion that my wife wants our marraige to work and wants me and not anyone else. Her advice is let this friendship run it's course and it will fizzle out.
2. In recent weeks, the relationship highs have been immense between us - better than when we first met. Can you really fake that & why would you weant to?
3. If I truly believed that there was an actual affair, I'd be gone by now.
4. My wife is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that I have ever met - these events are totally out of character for her.
5. Why would she fight so hard to keep our marriage if her heart was elsewhere?
6. She is intelligent enough to know if we were papering over the cracks - if we are then she would that it's a house of cards.

I'm not a fool and knew that if her heart was elsewhere, I'd walk away. Mixed messages is killing me here - which is the real message?

Taltos

Moved from Separation and Divorce - OP this forum is more appropriate for you - the other forum is for those who are going through or need advice on separation and/or divorce.

Taltos

P. Breathnach

OP, I'm not buying it. She knows that her maintaining this relationship is a big problem for you, yet she continues with it. So which is more important to her: staying in contact with this man, or saving your marriage?

It's time for a strong ultimatum: allow her one more communication with this man, so that she can tell him there will never again be contact. And if she wavers on that, you know what matters the more to her, and you walk.

And change your professional counsellor: she has become a participant rather than a facilitator.

blatantrereg

Were the texts romantic in tone? Very friendly texts could be taken in a different light than they are meant.

Without knowing the details, it is impossible to say what's happening here I think. Maybe it was all innocent from the start and she lied to you because maybe you are overbearing and unreasonable. Or maybe it's not innocent at all and she has been pulling the wool over your eyes. Without knowing either of the you, nor the details it's impossible to guess which it might be.

If it was innocent then you can't tell her to stop having a friend. If she's just trying to pull the wool over your eyes, then maybe you are naive to think there's not more to it than inappropriate chat - why else would she go spend the weekend with him than to sleep with him, if that was the context of their relationship.

Are you sure she was as effected by the bereavement as she is letting on? Perhaps that is just something she is saying to manipulate you - turn the blame onto you etc. Seems a bit odd that she only suddenly reveals that, just as it could be used to justify something questionable.

coolcat63

If this man is an innocent friend then you have no right to tell her to break the friendship. I wonder why she is lying to you - perhaps she feels you are being unfair and therefore that justifies the deceit (it doesn't but I can understand the reasoning).

If you were aware of the friendship why haven't you met him? Surely she'd want to introduce an old friend to her husband. Would you be happy to meet him after all that's gone before? (which, if she is right, is completely innocent).

Zulu

IF your wife wanted your relationship to work, she wouldn't seek to continue a subvertive relationship with another man.

I struggle to believe a legitimate relationship counsellor would support her unfaithful relationship with another man.

I think you know all this, hence you are posting here.

OP you are kidding yourself. Your wife is being unfaithful; your wife is destroying any chance you have of repairing your relationship by continuing to see this man; you are enabling your wife to destroy your relationship.

Stop kidding yourself. Unless you wish to be treated like this put a stop to it. At this point you've noone to blame but yourself; all the evidence is there - plain to see, in front of your face.

She slept over with him for fu*k sake op, ffs!

Zulu

coolcat63 wrote: »

If this man is an innocent friend then you have no right to tell her to break the friendship.

Are you kidding me? They've been married 20 years, and she slept over with him. We aren't talking about 17 year olds here!
What the hell is the other man at? He's no friend, if he was an innocent friend, he'd back off for the sake of his friends marriage.
This man has no regard for their 20 year marriage & their 2 children.

IHeartShoes

Wow - the agression from some posters on this thread?

OP, I wouldn't like my husband dictating who I could and couldn't be friends with nor would I like him monitoring my communications. I have had a male friend staying in my house for the weekend who is in a 6 year relationship with his partner. I am currently single. We are friends a long time but I don't see him regularly although we are in constant contact. He lives in a different country. Nothing inappropriate happened. Drink was taken and still nothing inappropriate happened. People can control themselves. We had a laugh and enjoyed our weekend as I would have and do with my female friends. However, his partner was not impressed and did try forbidding him from coming - something I wasn't aware of until he was here (I don't know her). But thats really a matter for themselves. She had no cause to be unhappy, we are just friends and you have to allow for this to be the situation in your wife's case, I think.

That said, I was married to someone whom I would have described as similar to your wife in that I would never ever have suspected that he would have an affair. None of our friends and family would either. He was alway trustworthy and loyal to my mind. However, it transpired that he wasn't that trustworthy or loyal and after 10 years of marriage, he did have an affair. I divorced him.

Doubt the above will be much help to you but felt the need to post to give an alternative to previous.....

Best of luck and I really hope it works out for the best. Oh, I would change the counsellor too. She does not sound terribly objective.

S

LegacyUser

Op I don't think anyone knows if your wife has/has not cheated on you.

but in response to these:

The professional counsellor holds the strong opinion that my wife wants our marraige to work and wants me and not anyone else. Her advice is let this friendship run it's course and it will fizzle out.

First things first, seriously, you need to stop seeing this counsellor and find a new one, a counsellor is not there to judge/take sides/tell you what to do. Her conduct is unprofessional to say the least. Counselling is not going to help either of you if the counsellor is not doing her job properly.

My wife is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that I have ever met - these events are totally out of character for her.

Well she's obviously proved herself to be untrustworthy seeing has how she blatantly lied to your face about this man and only admitted it when you showed proof. It may be out of character for her, but what of it? She lied point blank to your face.

In recent weeks, the relationship highs have been immense between us - better than when we first met. Can you really fake that & why would you weant to?
If I truly believed that there was an actual affair, I'd be gone by now.

I do believe her - not because I want to but because she is not the type to have an affair.

Well OP you said above that she was "honest" and therefore wasn't the type to lie, but yet she has proved that assumption to be false, so if your only basis for believing she hasn't has an affair is that "she's not the type" you're on very shaky ground.

Why would she fight so hard to keep our marriage if her heart was elsewhere?

Has she fought hard? because all you asked her to do was not contact this man again, it's not much to ask is it? I'd hardly consider it "fighting hard" and yet..she won't do it... doesn't sound like she's fighting at all tbh...if her heart was really with you and not him then surely she wouldn't need to stay in contact...and she's still lying about contacting him..the same woman who you believe to be "one of the most loyal and trustworthy people you have ever met"

She is intelligent enough to know if we were papering over the cracks - if we are then she would that it's a house of cards.

Maybe she's intelligent enough to know that she can continue lying to you and deceiving you as long as she keeps telling you what you want to hear..."she loves and wants to be with for the rest of her life"...why would she let the house of cards tumble when she can have her cake and eat it too?..I mean she knows how much contact with this man hurts you, yet she still does it...you still continue to forgive he lies...

OP the only 2 people in this world who know if your wife has cheated is her and this man. What is obvious to everyone however is that your wife has lied outright to you, and continues to do so...

Like it or not, she doesn't want to break contact with this man, she has made the choice to keep him in her life and will not cut contact. So can either trust her and her platonic friendship with this man and be happy, or continue in a marriage where you can't trust her and her friendship with this man and forever be plagued by doubts and unhappiness....If however the only reason you're staying with her is your belief that the friendship between them will "fizzle out" at some stage, then imo you're deluding yourself.

Sinall

OP, does your wife have many other friends? People in relationships need friends too. She's obviously been feeling really lonely recently and perhaps the fact that you were so focused on your job highlighted to her that she didn't have many friends in her life. It's obvious from your post that you understand that and clearly it wouldn't be an issue if this were a female friend of hers.

It's great that things are improving between you two. Maybe if you stop making an issue of this male friendship for a while then it will fizzle out. If it doesn't and it's still bothering you then speak to her about it again and ask her how she'd feel if you had stayed at another woman's house and the situations were reversed.

It does sounds like you're trying to be very understanding of her and hopefully she'll be able to be understanding of your feelings too.

Kimia

Honestly, it sounds like you caught her just in time. If she wasn't already having an affair (and she was - an emotional affair) she was just about to.

I don't believe that people who cheat are inherently bad people and the way you've described your wife is that she's a good person. She sounds like she's been incredibly lonely over the past while and that she's been getting no attention from you, so unfortunately when another man from her past, who knew her when she was young and fun, starts paying her attention, she goes along with it because it seems harmless at first.

The amount of contact now though is inappropriate. It's not a normal friendship - she doesn't want to just be friends with this man. If that was the case, you'd have known about it before now. She's getting a thrill from this situation, and potentially risking her marriage for it.

Forget about what the counselor says, your wife needs to stop seeing this man. It's highly disrespectful and inappropriate to your marriage. The danger though is that she's so wrapped up in the other man right now that she may not realize how she's risking her marriage, she may not even care right now. That may be a risk she's willing to take. So the question becomes, what can you live with?

Sappa

Sinall wrote: »

OP, does your wife have many other friends? People in relationships need friends too. She's obviously been feeling really lonely recently and perhaps the fact that you were so focused on your job highlighted to her that she didn't have many friends in her life. It's obvious from your post that you understand that and clearly it wouldn't be an issue if this were a female friend of hers.

It's great that things are improving between you two. Maybe if you stop making an issue of this male friendship for a while then it will fizzle out. If it doesn't and it's still bothering you then speak to her about it again and ask her how she'd feel if you had stayed at another woman's house and the situations were reversed.

It does sounds like you're trying to be very understanding of her and hopefully she'll be able to be understanding of your feelings too.

Bury your head in the sand basically and let her continue her betrayal.
The so called friend couldn't give a monkeys about the op and if he was any decent bloke could see he is contributing to wrecking a marriage with kids.
I would get the truth one way or another op as she could do this againand you probably will be faced with this same situation unless you get the truth and try and work from there if you can.

Kimia

Sappa wrote: »

Bury your head in the sand basically and let her continue her betrayal.
The so called friend couldn't give a monkeys about the op and if he was any decent bloke could see he is contributing to wrecking a marriage with kids.
I would get the truth one way or another op as once a cheater always a cheater and you could probably will be faced with this situation again op.

I agree with most of what you said, but the part in bold is just utter nonsense.

Piliger

Hello OP.

I have read your original post thoroughly and I am bewildered at your whole point of view.

You have stated that her communications with her friend have been non sexual. You have followed up with another post but indicated nothing that make her communications with this man romantic in any shape or form.

You wrote: "The content was non sexual, but definitely inappropriate for a married person. "

Why was it inappropriate ? I do not accept a single word of other people's comments that exclaim this to be cheating of any kind whatsoever. Your interpretation of 'inappropriate' seems very disturbing to me.

I am left with the overwhelming conclusion that you are deeply threatened by your wife having any kind of friendship with a male friend of any kind.

You also wrote: "My wife is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that I have ever met" Yet you insist on controlling her life to this most extraordinary extent.

You also write: "In recent weeks, the relationship highs have been immense between us - better than when we first met."

What is going in in your head ? You are happy together but you are INTENT on destroying it out of irrational and totally unfair jealousy. In my mind you are actively driving your wife away and possibly even into the hands of another man, any other man.

OP - you are married 20 years and say yourself that you are very happy together. I am telling you that you will destroy your marriage and a whole swathe of your life if you continue behaving like you are behaving. I feel you are in dire need of counselling to deal with this. Your wife is quite rightly exercising her right, as a woman, to have friends of her own choosing. She is clearly a strong woman and is not going to be cowed.

Step back from this and see what you are doing before it is too late.

gara

This woman has lied to you, continues to lie to you and clearly has little respect for you or regard for your feelings. This is not your fault, you don't deserve to be treated like that and do not allow her to blame you in any way for her wrongdoing. She is a grown adult, free to make her own decisions in life and she chose to lie, you did not make her.Too often I have seen skilled manipulators sow seeds of doubt in their partners mind in order to justify their own lying/cheating.

I also understand that it's often easier to blame yourself rather than come to terms with the fact that somebody you love so much has let you down so badly. Stand your ground and have faith in yourself and don't allow this woman to trample all over your feelings for one more second.

She's your wife, your partner in crime -she's supposed to be there with you,in your corner, not shacked up with someone else.The person you marry is supposed to bring happiness to your life, not misery and life is just too short to accept anything less -demand better for yourself!

hoodwinked

Op as a wife who has many male friends,

if my husband asked me to stop speaking to one, i personally would be looking for counseling for him to deal with his issues going on, i wouldn't stop being friends with someone because of an irrational fear of my husbands. especially old friends (again i have many old male friends my husband hasn't met yet, one of whom i randomly bumped into in a pub one night while out with friends, my husband has no issues with this)

so Op its worth asking how come you do?

is it the lying because while i feel that is wrong, if you are banning her from seeing her friend i can see where she would feel the need to hide said friendship. likewise if she knows you (and after 20 years i am assuming she does) maybe she suspected you would re-act like this and thus hid it.


being friends with so many guys we can send messages between us (and in public, both in clubs and online) that could be construed as inappropriate but my husband knows this and knows them so he understands the contexts of the relationships involved, like wise he does the same with his friends, female ones too, perhaps instead of banning her friendships you could join them??

get a babysitter (if needed) and go meet this guy with your wife for a night out.

that way if it is innocent you will see it for yourself, (like wise if its not you will be letting him get to know you which should make it harder for them to continue)

either way op a new counsellor is definitely needed as the one you have does not seem to be staying impartial.

but from what you said it would seem the counsellor also believes nothing is going on with your wife and her friend.

gara

hoodwinked wrote: »

the counsellor also believes nothing is going on with your wife and her friend.

It's not relevant what the counsellor thinks and also a serious breach of his/her position to not remain impartial. The counsellor's job is to mediate conversation that allows the couple to reach their own conclusions, not to throw their own thoughts into the mix

hoodwinked

gara wrote: »

It's not relevant what the counsellor thinks and also a serious breach of his/her position to not remain impartial. The counsellor's job is to mediate conversation that allows the couple to reach their own conclusions, not to throw their own thoughts into the mix

i completely agree, hence the op needs to find another counsellor

but it is worth noting if after talking this through with both of them, she still believes the wife didn't cheat, considering she would know more of the facts and have no reason to take sides, i would be inclined to consider from what they have heard it led to the above opinion being given.

ifonlyicud

Thanks to everyone for the input. Certainly did not expect such wide a varied response!

We have 2 kids that we adore and I don't want to hurt them if I can help it. I don't want to walk away unless I'm certain that we're done and that there's no way back. That does not mean that I'm burying my head in the sand to the fact that I have been lied to and disrespected - I'm very aware of that. As with many things, there are 2 sides to this, I just wanted get some perspective from both men and women out there and I've certainly got that.

Thanks again for all the comments

up for anything

ifonlyicud wrote: »

During that period, she made contact with a former male friend on FB and they became close (obviously I was aware of this until recently). One weekend recently she went to the city to meet this dude and stayed in his house (he had children there as he is seperated). On her return I became suspicious and checked her phone and FB account and found the stream of texts and chat with this man - I was devastated. The content was non sexual, but definitely inappropriate for a married person.
When confronted, she lied at first until I showed her the proof. She swears that nothing took place with this man and I do believe her - not because I want to but because she is not the type to have an affair. She says that she was lonely and I wasn't there for her,but she acknowledges that it was the wrong thing to do.
She promised to cut all contact and we agreed to get help for bereavement and for our relationship. Since then we have had great love, closeness and affection - up until now.

I found out that she is still in contact with this man. Each time she's confronted with it, she says that it's innocent chat and that it's me she loves and wants to be with for the rest of her life - even our counsellor agres with this! (which does help some)

Firstly, I am amazed that nobody has said anything negative about your behaviour in checking her phone and email account. Normally that would lead to posters saying that you had been very wrong to do so. You say she is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people you have ever met - your actions belie your beliefs. You had no right to invade her privacy and as such, in my opinion, have set yourself up to be lied to.

Secondly, you say "The content was non sexual, but definitely inappropriate for a married person." You need to think about exactly what the content was and if you are just annoyed that she was speaking openly to this man about her feelings and what you might consider to be your's and her personal life. Maybe the reason she is still in contact with him and lying to you about it is because she finds him a useful sounding board and a good friend and doesn't want to lose him but doesn't feel that you are secure enough to be able to accept this.

kjl

OK all checking her phone and Facebook aside, the fact of the matter is that your wife is having an emotional affair which sadly can be much worse than a physical one. I think you need to look at yourself, why are you not fulfilling her needs emotionally?

Her meeting the guy regardless of what did or didn't happen is inappropriate in a marriage and the fact that she is still contacting him despite her promise that she wouldn't is downright disrespectful to you and the cherry on top is her saying it's harmless, it's not harmless because you are being harmed by it.

I think you and your wife have a lot of issues to work out, if she does love you then you must have really been neglecting her. You have both clearly made mistakes and I think you need to reignite the spark between you two.

First things first though, she has to stop contacting this man, full stop.

flowerchild

I find the notion of an 'inappropriate relationship' quite confusing. As long as she is not having sex with him why be fussed? She may like him, laugh with him, get angry with him, feel for him, care for him, even love him. None of that necessarily takes away from her love for you.

When we have another child our love for our existing children doesn't go down - the amount of love available simply increases. The same can be true for adults, particularly if you are confident in yourself and your relationship. And if you are concerned for her, if you think she may get hurt, or if you wonder that she is reaching out because you are not good enough, then focus on her, be loving and talk it through.

You can't be in a great relationship in a state of anger, resentment or fear. None of those emotions will help you navigate tricky times. Go inside, remember how you met and why you fell in love with her, gird your loins with courage, and talk with her.

fungun

I think its hard to get accurate feedback when it is not clear what that inappropriate content was, which was non-sexual. Was it really inappropriate?

this is the key fact that delineates between (a) she crossed a line with this guy and therefore should understand that you dont want her to be in contact with him or (b) you over-reacted to a relationship that was normal enough but perhaps a little closer than usual as she was going through a tough time.

Perhaps its a mix. Since we get to see your side of the story from your post, my initial inclination was that she should not be seeing this guy if sth inappropriate did happen.....but I find it hard to understand what could be very inappropriate that wasnt at all sexual - especially if she needed someone to talk to about something, and you were not available to her at the time.

P. Breathnach

The quality of any advice we give here depends (among many other things) on how well we understand the problem that we are asked to consider.

As I read OP's problem, he failed his wife for a time in not giving her emotional support when it was needed. She built a new relationship with a former friend and sought support there. That, to my mind, puts the friendship into a special category: she is using the friend as a substitute for her husband. That, to my mind, is emotional infidelity, however understandable her reasons are. Her husband now recognises that he failed her, and wants to work on fixing things. She also says she want to fix things, but she is continuing the emotional infidelity. That's not workable.

Piliger

As I see it there is no infidelity whatsoever here - of any kind.

This view point comes from the same marriage fantasy world that brings us white wedding dresses, summer days and happily ever after. This is not life as it is lived or should be lived.

This lady is entitled to have whatever friends she choses to have, including a close male friend. The attitude that demands that a partner sever all close friends, whether male or female, is a controlling and oppressive and insecure and domineering one and a puritanical one. It is an attitude that regards someone we love as property and a right to exert our ownership over them. It leads to broken relationship and broken marriages.

It is evident from the OP's posts that there is no 'romance' and that he was the cause of this situation. He in fact should be deeply grateful for the support of this man and if he had any kind of wits about him he would befriend him also.

Just because he has now seen the error of his ways doesn't mean she has to up and dump her friend.

I admire this lady. She is refusing to be bullied or pressured. She is standing her ground and is right to do so.

This man needs to get a grip on what life is all about. Sharing, loving, being happy. Bringing about a situation where he is making himself miserable because she has a close friend is an insane thing to do. Throwing decades of happiness in the trash because he cannot have his woman all to himself, to this extraordinary degree, is insanity.

P. Breathnach

Piliger wrote: »

... She is refusing to be bullied or pressured. She is standing her ground and is right to do so....

She is lying to her husband.

ShaShaBear

P. Breathnach wrote: »

She is lying to her husband.

Agreed. Standing up for herself would be saying "He is just a friend, and has been there for me in times of trouble and hardship. I will not block out my friends simply because of your own unfounded insecurities"
Standing up for yourself is not "I know that messaging him and meeting up with him and staying over with him without telling you was wrong and I promise it will never happen again, I have cut all ties with this man". That is telling a lie, as she has shown.

sbsquarepants

ifonlyicud wrote: »

The professional counsellor holds the strong opinion that my wife wants our marraige to work and wants me and not anyone else. Her advice is let this friendship run it's course and it will fizzle out.?

Unless this counsellor is psychic, that's ridiculous advice! How the hell could they know if it will fizzle out or not?

ifonlyicud wrote: »

My wife is one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that I have ever met - these events are totally out of character for her.

Apart from the repeated lies and the sneaking off to sleep in another mans house (at the very least)

ifonlyicud wrote: »

Why would she fight so hard to keep our marriage if her heart was elsewhere?

It's often when people have been caught cheating that they will promise the sun moon and stars to keep the relationship going. I don't know why that is, it makes little or no sense, but i've seen it happen time and time again.

ifonlyicud wrote: »

I'm not a fool and knew that if her heart was elsewhere, I'd walk away. Mixed messages is killing me here - which is the real message?

Actions speak louder than words - what she's doing is much more important than what she's saying. You know this deep down i'm sure.

Piliger wrote: »

As I see it there is no infidelity whatsoever here - of any kind.

This view point comes from the same marriage fantasy world that brings us white wedding dresses, summer days and happily ever after. This is not life as it is lived or should be lived.

No infedelity? If you wouldn't have a problem with your wife spinning you some yarn so she can go and sleep in some other blokes house (again at the very least), well then i find that a very strange view point. Why not just say i'm off to my friends house, see you tomorrow?

Piliger wrote: »

It is evident from the OP's posts that there is no 'romance' and that he was the cause of this situation. He in fact should be deeply grateful for the support of this man and if he had any kind of wits about him he would befriend him also.
..

What a pile of nonsense! He should be grateful? Are you for fúcking real!

Piliger wrote: »

I admire this lady. She is refusing to be bullied or pressured. She is standing her ground and is right to do so. .

You admire liars? Again an odd view point.

Piliger wrote: »

This man needs to get a grip on what life is all about. Sharing, loving, being happy. Bringing about a situation where he is making himself miserable because she has a close friend is an insane thing to do. Throwing decades of happiness in the trash because he cannot have his woman all to himself, to this extraordinary degree, is insanity.

There is a bit of insanity on show here alright, but not by the OP.

I'm sorry for your situation OP, but i think it's as clear as day that your wife has been having, and still is having an affair with this guy.

Zulu

Nail on the head sbsquarepants, nail on the head.

Fight_Night

Yep sorry to say but you don't stay over in someone's house for no reason. Has affair painted all over it.

Piliger

OP ... if you fall into this trap of this kind of judgemental delusion and self justification then I predict nothing but disaster.

Fight_Night

Fight_Night wrote: »

Yep sorry to say but you don't stay over in someone's house for no reason. Has affair painted all over it.

I stay over in friends' houses all the time.

OP, it's unclear what this inappropriate message was.
It could be anything innocent that you have overreacted to, it could be something not innocent that you are not overreacting to.
It's difficult to give any advice without knowing it.
She is wrong to lie, but that doesn't mean affair - it could simply be a bad reaction to the situation.

ShaShaBear

I think the OP's issue is she stayed over in a single man's house without telling him.

a fat guy

Guy's, where exactly does it say that she "sneaked" off to this other man's house?

I think that the negative opinions are snowballing here... We're all hearing so much negativity that we WANT her to be found out to be a cheater, rather than actually help the situation.

I see the term "emotional cheating" being used a lot on here, but where the heck was she supposed to go when her own husband (Sorry for making it sound this bad OP...) couldn't support her through something as horrible as bereavement? If she's as nice as OP says she is, then she certainly isn't going to forget how this other guy helped her in her time of need.

Some here are calling it emotional cheating, I call it being a human who values those who are there for them. It's not like she planned for this to begin with!

I think she wants to please everyone right now, her emotional rock and husband.

If I'm right,then she is a nice person, but not a strong person. That's why she's lying OP, she couldn't even stand up to your snooping around her phone and Facebook profile. I mean, no wonder the counsellor is taking sides!

If you want to solve this situation, then sit down with her and tell her that it's hurting your relationship, and that's why it's bothering you. But be sure to own up to your own faults in this situation too (Snooping and asking her to ditch a loyal friend), because that would be the best way to give her room to breath.

I do think that, even if your wife is not in the wrong, the other guy definitely is. Men don't just make emotional bonds with women like women do with men. He almost certainly likes her, and we know that he's separated so... All I'm saying is that women can have guy friends with whom they share emotional bonds, and men tend to not be able to do that without falling in love. The fact that he's separated makes this even worse.

Just take it easy and talk it out with her. Oh, and she's definitely going to keep in contact with this man. People don't forget those who are there for them in their time of need. If you give her your full perspective on this situation without demanding the unreasonable, then maybe she'll compromise.

Good luck!

P. Breathnach

The more this discussion rumbles on, the more I become convinced that OP's wife has been unfaithful and has no intention of terminating the affair. Whether the infidelity is limited to a transfer of affection or whether there has been sexual infidelity also, I don't know.

There is a big incongruity in the opening post: it looks as if OP started his new job in the last few months ("recently") while the bereavement his wife is supposedly dealing with happened "some years ago". Possible, but improbable.

It looks to me more like a temporarily neglected wife sought out an old friend (possibly an ex?) and became close to him - entirely without her husband knowing. When he found out, she denied it until confronted with the evidence, and then she promised to cut all contact with this man. She has broken that promise, apparently with some regularity. I cannot see this man as being in the same category as any other friend: this was a man with whom she developed a relationship in the context of her husband being preoccupied with work, neglecting her somewhat, and her feeling lonely; he is very much "the other man".

It looks to me as if she is trying to have her cake and eat it. If she keeps the marriage going, she has whatever material security her husband can provide, and the lives of the children are not disrupted. That is a strong case for her wanting to convince her husband that she loves him and wants the marriage to work.

But she will not give up the relationship with the other man.

OP, you might be making it too easy for her in believing that everything that has gone wrong is your fault. You should consider the possibility that coping with a long-ago bereavement is an excuse that she thought up. You are entitled to have some allowances made for being preoccupied with work when you take up a new job.

As I suggested in my earlier post: set an ultimatum. Be sure that she takes it seriously.

Zulu

Piliger wrote: »

...I predict nothing but disaster.

The disaster had already occurred Piliger, you are way off the ball.

P. Breathnach

OP, I want to add to what I said above, because the tone I used might seem cold and harsh. I was concentrating on trying to express my thoughts accurately, and lost focus on the important fact that we are dealing with real people - especially you, as you have come here to discuss your worries with us.

You seem to me like one of the good guys, the sort who deserves to have his life go well. It would make me happy if it emerged that my interpretation of the situation was entirely wrong - but if I thought my interpretation was suspect, I would not have risked causing you pain by telling you how it looks to me.

I hope that you manage to get through this and achieve a good outcome.

Zulu

Well said.
I was thinking about this last night & felt I should add one more thing.
As a married person, I recognise the significance of the commitment you've both made to each other. Marriage, at least to me, means sticking by each other through the hard times and the easy times.

Fair enough, you recognise you didn't support her as well as you could have, however, that does not excuse her betrayal. There was a hard time, and instead of sticking by you she shought out another man.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It isn't fair. If any good comes from it, it'll be that the truth is in the open. Any relationship you build from here should be on honest foundations. It's the least you deserve.