Traveling Home

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Would love to know what your opinion on this is as I'm beating myself up over it. I live approx. 200km's away from my parents. I have a difficult relationship with them both and dread the journey home. I have lived away from home since I was 18. When I was 18, I used to travel home nearly every weekend to see them (esp. my mother, my father is a terrible alcoholic). As I have gotten older, the journey home has become much tougher. Days before I travel I am in horrendous form, snapping at everyone. When I come back from the trip, I am terribly upset and can feel numb. The problem is, I feel guilty if I don't go home at least once a month. For those of you who live some distance from your parents, how often do you make the trip back?

Thanks for your help.

LegacyUser

anybody?

tinkerbell

Why are you in such a bad mood with everybody in the days leading up to the visit and in the days after? Could you not phone up your parents more often rather than making a once-a-month visit and instead go home every 6 weeks instead or something?

matrim

Most people I know only go home every few months not every month whether they live 50 or 300km away.

There's nothing to feel guilty about by not going home, you have your own life to live. Just give them a phone call to catch up.

If you still feel you must go home, then come up with ways to avoid being in the house. Have you any friends who still live in the town you grew up in? Meet them for a pint on the night you are down.
Do you drive? You can drive down to get there late-ish (e.g. 6pm) have dinner with your parents, head out to meet friends, then leave early the next day.

username123

I totally get why you feel this way. My father was an alcoholic and I used to feel awful if I didnt go and visit for my mothers sake (I didnt live miles away and used to visit every second day for a quick visit).

The problem is the guilt you feel if you dont visit. But guess what - theres no need to feel guilty, your mother has choices too and she chooses to stay in this situation, thereby forcing you to make these awful visits, she is not the poor woman you perceive her to be - she has chosen this path, and, no one will even notice if you visit less - I promise, its only yourself you are doing this for, not them.

Anyway, I could go on a length here but the simplest advice is this - get yourself to an Alanon meeting and learn the tools to cope with alcoholism in the family, you feel the way you do because thats how children of alcoholics feel. Thats what you need to be dealing with.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for your responses. I call my mam about 3 times a week and she asks every weekend will I be coming home, so it gets very difficult to say no all the time. I wouldn't have the most open relationship with her, so I suppose she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to come home. Unfortunately, my parents moved away from the town I grew up in, so I have no friends I can visit when I get there, which makes it even more difficult. The last time I was home, my dad was drunk and told me that I'm the reason why he drinks. How nice of him. I told my mam that he said this, but she said nothing, not even to ask was I ok. So it's difficult. Wish I just had the courage to tell them everyting I think!

username123

They are emotionally manipulating you in a negative way. Why does she want you to visit? Who is getting what out of it except to perpetuate misery? The emotional abuse from your father is bad enough without your mother not even bothering to acknowledge your feelings.

Listen, I became estranged from my toxic parents and it was the best thing I ever did. They died while I was estranged from them and I still never regretted it. Sometimes the only way to save yourself is to detach from the toxic situation. Why should you continuously be made miserable to go along with dysfunctional alcoholic behaviour?

LegacyUser

I can understand where you're coming from in a way. When I was a young adult one of my parents got sick and I started coming home most weekends over a long period of time. Now when I look back, I regret it a bit. Unlike you, I had a reasonably good relationship with my parents but by coming home, I killed my social life stone dead. I also know that because I came home so often I got taken for granted. My siblings who only came home every six weeks or so can't do anything wrong. I've chatted to a friend who is a boat similar to mine and they've found the very same thing. The kids who stay far away are the golden boys/girls and the eejit who comes home every weekend is taken for granted and part of the furniture.

You can't save your parents. You sound like a good person but you have to take a step back from the situation. Make plans for yourself that don't involve coming home so often. I'm not sure how you coming home is helping. It's upsetting you and it's making your parents not bother to help themselves.

MelanieD

You could tell your mother why you are reluctant to visit. I don't think you should feel any guilt or obligation towards your parents if you are sacrificing your weekends to travel down and spend time with them and receive emotional abuse in return your efforts.

You could also suggest to your mother that she visit you for a change. Afterall it is a two way street.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again,

Thanks for your replies and I have to agree, I think I need to take a step back from it all and look after my own needs first, however difficult that may be. I'm the only daughter in the family and my mother is the typical Irish mammy, so she expects a lot of emotional support from me, which I never get in return. Having made the planned trip home today, I feel so annoyed at myself for not having the courage to cancel and look after myself for once!

Ellsbells

You are a grown adult and you are choosing to spend time in a toxic environment which is exactly what your mother is doing. She chooses to let someone else rule the roost and you are allowing her rule you. Do you see a pattern?

username123

Ellsbells wrote: »

You are a grown adult and you are choosing to spend time in a toxic environment which is exactly what your mother is doing. She chooses to let someone else rule the roost and you are allowing her rule you. Do you see a pattern?

This post says it all.