Pressure to propose but I'm broke

LegacyUser

As the title says, I'm feeling under pressure to propose to my wonderful girlfriend by my friends and family. My girlfriend dishes out the hints after a drink too many too.

We have been together for six years, I'm 41 and she is 29 and I know that she is the one I want to be with but I'm broke. My business took a huge hit doing the recession and is barely surviving. My girlfriend is doing a part-time postgrad and is working part-time too but that job only brings in about 200 a week and she has college loans so a big chunk goes on them.

I would like to make a commitment to her but I hate the idea of a long engagement so I would rather hold out until we're a bit more financially stable so that we could plan a wedding in around 12-18 month or thereabouts, I just don't know when that would be.

Should I propose to her now to show everyone that I'm serious about her or hold out until we can afford the wedding?

What you should do is tell everyone who is not your girlfriend to fup off and mind their own business, and sit down with your girlfriend and have a chat with her about everything you've just said. She's supposed to be your partner, so TALK to her.
There are two of you in the relationship, not just you, so how about instead of "i don't like this so we're not doing it and i don't know how she feels", you tell her how you feel about long engagements and all the rest and discuss it like adults

Squiggler

On top of what bluewolf has said...

Being broke is no impediment to getting engaged - or married.

It just depends on what you think is important. It is not necessary to have a huge, expensive, white wedding. Nor is it necessary to have a massive diamond ring. But if those are essential to your girlfriend you need to explain that it will be a while before you can provide them.

I'm three years married. Between us (he bought my rings (titanium wedding band and white gold engagement ring with a beautiful spray of flowers made up of tiny diamonds), his suit etc., gift for bestman - I bought my outfit (vintage 1920's dress and coat), bridesmaids dress (also vintage) , his ring (titanium) and cufflinks and we split the other costs) we spent about €1k, including the marriage license and a hotel room for the night of the wedding. My parents provided a lovely buffet meal for everyone in their home afterwards as their wedding present to us. It was the best wedding I've ever been to, even if I do say so myself, and I wouldn't change a single thing.

But we could have done it even cheaper and still had a wonderful day with the people we loved, we splashed out on a few luxuries

The registered building for the ceremony was a hotel, the room for the ceremony was included in the cost of the license and it was already beautifully decorated (and set out to seat up to 80 people).

If you think outside the box and are willing to do things a little differently getting married doesn't have to be an expensive nightmare.

HellFireClub

Squiggler wrote: »

On top of what bluewolf has said...

Being broke is no impediment to getting engaged - or married.

Yes it is. It's very easy to say it isn't, but if you don't have money to get an engagement ring, then clearly you can't get engaged. A lot of people these days are going around with the notion in their head that you don't need money do to certain things, well you do, it's that simple. I was in the same situation as the OP once and there is no getting away from simple financial facts, regardless of how much love there is in a relationship. Same for a wedding.

LegacyUser

HellFireClub wrote: »

Yes it is. It's very easy to say it isn't, but if you don't have money to get an engagement ring, then clearly you can't get engaged. A lot of people these days are going around with the notion in their head that you don't need money do to certain things, well you do, it's that simple. I was in the same situation as the OP once and there is no getting away from simple financial facts, regardless of how much love there is in a relationship. Same for a wedding.

Yes you can! Getting engaged is as simple as deciding to marry - it is not just when you get a ring/announce it.
Besides, many people just buy a cheap 'token' ring and upgrade years later when they can afford it. As the poster above said you can get married relatively cheaply. You don't have to spend thousands. It's all about priorities - whether you'd rather be married soon or hold out for a huge wedding.

Also, OP if you want to propose to her you should. You don't need to start planning from the get-go.
And you don't need to announce your engagement or get a ring right away either. The two of you can discuss it and wait until you're better able to afford it.

strandroad

HellFireClub wrote: »

Yes it is. It's very easy to say it isn't, but if you don't have money to get an engagement ring, then clearly you can't get engaged.

You're working off an assumption that an engagement ring is a requirement. We got engaged when we were completely broke; he scrapped together maybe €150 for which he got me the tiniest fleck of a diamond there was in the store, but if we didn't have that, I'd be happy with a cheapo silver band or indeed a plastic cornflakes box ring. It was never about rings for us.
Whether it is about rings for OP's girlfriend, only he can tell.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

You're working off an assumption that an engagement ring is a requirement. We got engaged when we were completely broke; he scrapped together maybe €150 for which he got me the tiniest fleck of a diamond there was in the store, but if we didn't have that, I'd be happy with a cheapo silver band or indeed a plastic cornflakes box ring. It was never about rings for us.
Whether it is about rings for OP's girlfriend, only he can tell.

+ 1 You don't need ring to propose and if you do get one you don't need to spend a fortune. As said above if your view is to be together for the rest of your lives then who gives a toss how much you spend on a ring. Some will tell you that you have to buy an expensive ring otherwise you'll look cheap blah etc etc. Ignore it, it's between you and your GF. If you want to do the big suprise proposal you can always use a stand in ring and down the line when you can afford it buy a more expensive one but you know your GF OP is the cost of the ring and a big fancy wedding something she is really going to care about or does it matter more to her that you make the committment to each other? If people make any comments about the lack of ring or the cost then tell them to mind their own business.

When my parents got married my dad was broke so my mums mother offered her ring to my dad as a stand in. They never got round to replacing it and my gran never asked for it back. Two close friends got married 5 years ago and I found out this summer they'd finally got round to getting a ring after they spotted the one they wanted on holiday...it wasn't a money issue for them they just had an idea of the ring they wanted and couldn't find it till then. My own husband took a silvermithing course and made my ring as he knew I had no love for gold and the only jewelery I own is stuff that has a very personal story for me.

Ellsbells

Op you can't be expected to fork out for a big ring especially as your gf isn't able to contribute much to the household. Are you covering all the bills at the moment while she us studying?

Does she know how your business is doing? Have you ever spoken about it? I personally like the idea of a wedding / engagement ring in one I.e. a glitzy wedding ring and maybe she would be happy with that. If not, there is no real way for ye to get married until she is bringing home the bacon as well

HellFireClub

It's a very difficult thing to grasp these days, that people cannot do certain things if they cannot afford to do them. I've heard it said more times, "you don't need money to get married" or "you don't need money to get engaged", well you do, it's just a fact of life.

I was in the very same situation as the OP once, I was engaged, (thankfully I could afford a nice engagement ring and we had a nice engagement party that was small and affordable, for family and friends), but then every wedding we subsequently were invited to, (we couldn't afford to get married for a few years), we kept getting asked, "so when are you going to give us a big day?!?!?!?", or "well it's your turn next, isn't it?!?!?!?"

People making this kind of commentary at weddings and also outside of weddings really should be confronted and told to mind their own business, because how do they know what the personal financial position of another couple, may be? How do they know that one person or both people might be experiencing financial hardship? How do they know if a family member may be sick and need to be attended to financially, and that this could well be the privately held priority of a family who decide to keep the matter to themselves?

OP, what I did in your situation, (I was already engaged), but when people started trying to discuss marriage with me, I told them politely to mind their own business and I left them with the message, expressed in no uncertain terms, that they were not to ask me about that subject again. Of course, this caused problems for my relationship when I was perceived as having been outwardly rude to some people who would have been on the invitation list for our wedding, had we been in a position to have one.

Sadly, from reading your OP, you are experiencing the same behaviour that I was experiencing.

LegacyUser

HellFireClub wrote: »

It's a very difficult thing to grasp these days, that people cannot do certain things if they cannot afford to do them. I've heard it said more times, "you don't need money to get married" or "you don't need money to get engaged", well you do, it's just a fact of life.

engaged |enˈgājd|
adjective

definition 2: having formally agreed to marry.

No money needed to get engaged. Propose if you want to OP and plan your wedding/buy rings etc. when you're in a better position financially.

looksee

Getting married is about making a commitment to each other. It is not about spending a load of money on your friends and family. It is not a sin to be broke, it is not an offence to have no money.

If it really matters to you to spend a lot of money on your wedding, then you will just have to wait until you have enough saved up. Simple. Its not as though you can't share a home nowadays until you are married. It totally is not anyone else's business though.

I used be involved in printing wedding invitation cards, and people would say 'how do I do this' - meaning is is the 'done thing' - and eventually I had to tone down my reply of 'its your wedding, you can do anything you wish' as people really didn't get it, and got quite offended. All they wanted to know was how 'everyone else' did it so they could be the same.

ViveLaVie

My parents, who have been very happily married for 37 years, got married in a church with two witnesses. No fuss, no big expense. They are deliriously happy with each other. Money is not an obstacle to getting married, it's an obstacle to having a big expensive wedding celebration. You could always do that further down the line if you wanted.

HellFireClub

Zippy0873 wrote: »

engaged |enˈgājd|
adjective

definition 2: having formally agreed to marry.

No money needed to get engaged. Propose if you want to OP and plan your wedding/buy rings etc. when you're in a better position financially.

Regrettably life isn't lived as per the Oxford dictionary and in accordance with textbook definitions of what a word or phrase means.

LegacyUser

HellFireClub wrote: »

It's a very difficult thing to grasp these days, that people cannot do certain things if they cannot afford to do them. I've heard it said more times, "you don't need money to get married" or "you don't need money to get engaged", well you do, it's just a fact of life.

Nope it's not a fact it's a choice. If people opt to do the whole engagement/wedding thing in a certain way/the "expected way" then yes it costs money but the OP is free not to follow the herd if they don't wish to. Sounds like they've a different relationship as is as he is in his 40's and girlfriend is nearly 30 so they aren't early 20's somethings with parents pushing them to do things a certain way. In last 2 years I've been to so many different types of weddings - some super traditional that was clearly the choice of the couple, one super traditional that was clearly the choice of other people forced on the couple which was sad to see and alot of really personal weddings were it was clear the couple did what they wanted. My own wedding costs very little and certainly didn't follow any of the expected engagement or wedding "rules" We had the commitment we wanted, OH made my ring and as we aren't religious we avoided the whole church thing, quick civil wedding with two people then wonderful outdoor ceremony for family and friends "officiated" by our best friend - yes certain family members on both sides weren't happy but our lives our choice.

If the OP wants to get engaged/get married to his GF then he should do what he wants and at the level they can afford. It sounds like the OH's family and friends are pushing her and she in turn is pushing the OP as she doesn't know whats going on so the OP should talk to his OH and make plans based on what suits them and their pocket and not on what other people want.

LegacyUser

Not as per the oxford dictionary perhaps, but anyone with any cop on can make sense of what several people have said to the OP - money is not integral.

The point I and several other people have been trying to make - and you have apparently been trying to refute - is that getting engaged means deciding to get married. Nothing more. The meaning is not "Spend lots of money/ buy a huge rock for her finger."

Money is not part of it deciding to get engaged. Many people make it a huge part of it but that's not what it is.

To reiterate again - you can get engaged without money. I hope you understand this.

jessiejam

r3WT4t4a wrote: »

I would like to make a commitment to her but I hate the idea of a long engagement so I would rather hold out until we're a bit more financially stable so that we could plan a wedding in around 12-18 month or thereabouts, I just don't know when that would be.

QUOTE]

Tell your girlfriend exactly this as quoted above. Tell everyone else mind their own business.
As another poster said, maybe when she is earning a proper wage then ye can talk about it then.
Don't stress about it anyway.. unless ye want the big day and all the trimmings ye could always do something like a civil ceromony and a meal for immediate family. Wouldn't cost the earth.
Depends on her reasons for wanting to be married I suppose. Is it that she wants the "big day" or that she wants the commitment made legal?

Ellsbells

zippy0873 wrote: »

Money is not part of it deciding to get engaged. .

But sure if the op wants to have a cheap and cheerful engagement / wedding he would not be posting here for help. I find the 'engagements don't need to cost' arguments patronising to him. Sure he knows that but obviously he wants to do it differently I.e. Spend money but he doesn't have it right now. No amount of telling him how little you spent is helping his cause...

Sleepy

You can get married for €150. Everything else is really just bells and whistles or the party. I've seen beautiful vintage engagement rings for around €150 too.

HellFireClub

Sleepy wrote: »

You can get married for €150. Everything else is really just bells and whistles or the party. I've seen beautiful vintage engagement rings for around €150 too.

But do you know anyone who got married for €150, would you get married on a €150 budget yourself?

It's the easiest thing in the world to do, to tell someone else to do it, but try doing it yourself!

Sleepy

I'm getting married in February myself. We're not doing it for €150 but we're not throwing money at it either (since tbh, we don't have it to spend), lots of our friends are doing favours for us (e.g. Brother's in a band who're playing the ceremony music and reception for us, friend doing the photography, my fiancée's making the cake, her mother's making the dress etc.).

And while many consider it vulgar to talk about, lots of guests will give cash presents on the day which will mitigate some of the costs so depending on the size of your wedding and your social circles, throwing a couple of grand onto the credit card before the big day isn't going to cripple you financially.

looksee

HellFireClub wrote: »

But do you know anyone who got married for €150, would you get married on a €150 budget yourself?

It's the easiest thing in the world to do, to tell someone else to do it, but try doing it yourself!

The OP wants to propose. He says he is waiting till they can get married, but what is the problem about getting engaged and then waiting till they can afford to get married. Getting engaged doesn't imply an immediate wedding.

As to whether anyone would get married on a budget, well I did about 44 years ago. We were living abroad and there was no question of any relations being there, but we did have friends. I made my wedding dress, and bought flowers. I had a ring - no engagement ring till a couple of years later; there was the fee for the priest and whatever a few days honeymoon cost us,I can't remember. We had had a party with another couple who were getting married a few days before, after the wedding a few of us went for a drink in a hotel before heading off for our honeymoon. And that was it, we are still married and my only regret is that none of our families was there.

Yes, I know, times have changed, but they have also changed back again. The days of running up several credit cards to just get what you want are gone - it is possible to get used to only having what you can afford.

Stavro Mueller

Regardless of what sort of wedding the OP wants, I think he should just have a chat with his girlfriend and tell her what he told us. That he does love her and wants to marry her some day. They can take it from there.

I do agree though that some people really don't know when to keep their mouths shut. When someone's single, they're scrutinised. Then when they're going out with someone a while, it's "When's the big day?" and when they tie the knot, "Is there an'thin stirring?". Really, these sorts of people need to be politely but firmly put in their place.

pwurple

The girl is about to hit thirty. It is a milestone in a lot of girls lives as they know if they want a family, they had better start shortly. Make your intentions known or risk losing her.

And I agree with the others above, you don't need the big splash wedding unless you want it. We had a bbq for ours, during the spendy noughties no less. Bought my dress on ebay, sold it on ebay again afterwards. We weren't broke at the time, but we are on the same page about finances.

It's all down to how materialistic your girlfriend, friends and family are. If they are all about the money and splashing the cash, you may have a few raised eyebrows.

ShaShaBear

My engagement ring was my mothers. OH asked her for it, got it resized (knowing it would mean a lot to me since my dad passed) and it cost a grand total of €15.

His parents are paying for the engagement party buffet (€200) and the manager of the venue, who knows my mother well, is paying for the band.

My best friend is doing the photography, my SILTB is doing the cake, his neighbour is supplying cars, his cousin is doing the music, my cousin is printing invitations and his wife is making favours out of window net curtains and tins of Roses She also has her original wedding dress which I am borrowing (she had to buy another after getting pregnant mid-planning) and all of the best men and OH have matching suits from a previous wedding. Flowers being supplied by my dad's best friend and my uncle is paying for food on the night (which, and I dont care how crude it is, will be paid back easily in gifts regardless). Registry wedding in the hotel.

Total wedding cost: €315
Still having absolutely everything I want and how I want it on the day: Priceless

Ellsbells

He asked YoUR mother for her engagement ring?

ShaShaBear

Ellsbells wrote: »

He asked YoUR mother for her engagement ring?

It came up in conversation that he wanted to marry me and was aware of the fact that I had insecurities about my father not being there to witness it. You would need to know my mother but she was thrilled at the idea almost as much as I was. Besides, he was hardly going to ask ME for it!

3DataModem

If the girl understands your current financial status, then she'll understand and appreciate the commitment all the more.

I'll keep it simple
1. decide if you want to marry her
2. If yes, then propose with a nice peice of costume jewellery
3. If she says yes, contact local registry office and set date 3 months from now or more

Life is beautiful, especially with a bird to share it with. Don't complicate it.

snickerpuss

OP I know what you mean. Some of the replies here show you can have a cheap wedding but it sure helps if your friends and family can make dresses, play in bands, provide a venue and food. It's not gonna be that way for everyone. I'd love if my family home was big enough to have a reception in but it would have to be for 7 in my parents' tiny 1960s council house

If you want a wedding with family and friends and don't have those kind of resources then it will cost money, even if it's not a fancy wedding.

LegacyUser

Well as the mother of two boys in their twenties, if my son was in a happy relatioship for 6 years at the age of 41, I'd be putting the pressure on too.

Seanchai

Ellsbells wrote: »

He asked YoUR mother for her engagement ring?

Hehe. And he got it. :-)

looksee

garghbht wrote: »

Well as the mother of two boys in their twenties, if my son was in a happy relatioship for 6 years at the age of 41, I'd be putting the pressure on too.

Why?

Sleepy

garghbht wrote: »

Well as the mother of two boys in their twenties, if my son was in a happy relatioship for 6 years at the age of 41, I'd be putting the pressure on too.

Don't. As a man that was once a twenty-something year old son: there's no quicker way to alienate your sons than to try and live their lives for them. They're grown men, let them fly the nest and go their own direction.

Seanchai

pwurple wrote: »

The girl is about to hit thirty. It is a milestone in a lot of girls lives as they know if they want a family, they had better start shortly.

This is a very valid point. Reassurance is needed, op. However, this does not need to cost you money if you don't have it. My parents got married in 1959 and are still doing a line with each other. My Mam said her entire engagement, wedding and honeymoon cost £30. She also said it was a pity that she lost her engagement ring in 1968 - but she survived. They had something known as a "wedding breakfast" back in 1959. As shocking as Irish women might find, they are still walking out with each other 53 years later. And my Dad did not spend anything near a fortune on an engagement ring. My Mam was happy that the fella she loved wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. That simple.

The problem here is of course this: in the past 20-30 years Irish women have demanded much more material symbols and goods from a man than their mothers did. This change is rarely acknowledged. I couldn't afford a ring for my girlfriend. I explained this to her. I suggested that I get her a ring and she gets me a car. But she still wanted a ring. She suggested that I pay slightly over half of it (for symbolic value) and she'd pay the rest. That's what we did. I didn't get my car.

As people have already suggested, sit the cailín down and talk to her about your financial difficulties. If she's i ngrá leatsa, she'll be absolutely delighted that you want her "to be buried with your people". For your own good, you should get clarity on this from her asap.

ash23

Just tell your partner that you want nothing more than to marry her but to have the kind of wedding that you want, you would need to wait a year or two until the circumstances are better.

If she doesn't want to get engaged without the ring and the immediate big wedding, then she will have to wait. If she doesn't care about the big ring and big wedding, then you can propose there and then.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wedding cost me under 3k 3 years ago.

We had the early bird menu for 70 guests at 18€ a head for a 4 course meal. We didnt need a car as everything was in the hotel and the registrar was present.

Ellsbells

Seanchai wrote: »

in the past 20-30 years Irish women have demanded much more material symbols and goods from a man than their mothers did.

Rubbish. In most engagements I know of the ring was either bought by the guy or with both present. Its not like girls go off and buy a ring and expect him to pay for it.

Beruthiel

garghbht wrote: »

Well as the mother of two boys in their twenties, if my son was in a happy relatioship for 6 years at the age of 41, I'd be putting the pressure on too.

I find that quite shocking.
It's none of your business whither you sons what to get married or not.
I wouldn't dream of putting such a pressure on my daughter. She will lead her life as she pleases. As will your sons.

OP, do not give into the pressures of other people.
Were I in your position, I would tell them, in no uncertain terms, to back off.

Talk to your g/f and tell her everything you mentioned in your OP.
Ask her what she wants.

One of my very good friends got married in the registry office.
10 of us went to an Italian restaurant afterwards and then the pub.
Hand on heart, one of the best wedding I've ever been to.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you so much for all of the replies.

You are right the mature thing would be to speak with my girlfriend and ask her what kind of wedding she would like, a small one could happe soon but a big one would take a few years. I suppose I haven't done this yet because a part of me would still love the whole surprise proposal and the talk before hand might take away from that.

We haven't talented friends and relatives in the wedding department unfortunately, no cake or dress makers and definately no musicians so even a small wedding would cost a few bob unless we cut down to immediate family which would be able 30 but I'm not sure if either of us would be up for that.

Thanks again.

ash23

OP, the surprise proposal can still happen. It might not be out of the blue but surely it's the best scenario. Because you're other options are as follows.....

1. Propose and it's a lovely surprise but then have to say you can't afford a ring or to get married for a few years and hope it goes ok.
2. Don't propose until your finances are in better shape. But if she's dropping hints about the proposal I don't think it will do the relationship any good to fob her off for a couple more years.
3. Talk to her and decide together what the best thing to do is. And if ye reach an agreement, wait a few weeks and then do something devastatingly romantic and lovely to ask her to be your wife.

Ellsbells

ash23 wrote: »

3. Talk to her and decide together what the best thing to do is. And if ye reach an agreement, wait a few weeks and then do something devastatingly romantic and lovely to ask her to be your wife.

I think you have to dump the notion of the surprise unless you are willing to take the risk of alienating her...

I was engaged before and we had talked about it. By the time he did it, having taken so long, all the good was gone out of it.

Why not talk to her about it. Tell her you wont be able to propose for a year but surprise her and organise a very romantic, surprise proposal before then?

Can the families help out with the cost of the wedding?

You sound like you want a bigger wedding.. TBH, given that its a partnership, she would want to be bringing some income to the table for that to happen.

LegacyUser

I was also engaged before, finances were also an issue. In the run up to it, it was talked about, analysed, turned over, talked about again, mulled over, discussed.....SO much so that by the time he eventually decided to actually propose, about a year later, rather than overwhelming joy and happiness, I just felt a little deflated.
No matter how often I had told him that there was no pressure, that I'd be happy getting proposed to in a field, he insisted on the dream- his dream- of whisking me away on a fancy holiday. By the time the proposal happened, no amount of impressive photos of that holiday made up for the fact that our relationship was a shadow of its former self. The 5 star hotel felt OTT and artificial, as if he was trying to compensate for something that he didn't need to.
I genuinely wish he had proposed in a field- we'd still be together& he'd be a couple of hundred euros the richer too. You don't show someone you love them by splashing the cash.
OP, I can guarantee you that the security& confidence& happiness that comes with being engaged& married to someone you love is worth FAR FAR more to your gf than "things".
Go for it!

Bride2012

Ellsbells wrote: »

I think you have to dump the notion of the surprise unless you are willing to take the risk of alienating her...

I was engaged before and we had talked about it. By the time he did it, having taken so long, all the good was gone out of it.

Why not talk to her about it. Tell her you wont be able to propose for a year but surprise her and organise a very romantic, surprise proposal before then?

Can the families help out with the cost of the wedding?

You sound like you want a bigger wedding.. TBH, given that its a partnership, she would want to be bringing some income to the table for that to happen.

Good points here. It's really sweet that you want to surprise her and yo do sound like you've her best interests at heart but keeping her in the dark about your intentions may make her feel unsure about your relationship and a strain can show itself in different ways. She might start getting annoyed over things that wouldn't usually bother her because she is anxious about this and this can develop arguments (I've seen it happen, the girl wouldn't say that she was upset about him not proposing so arguments happened about other things and in the end they fell apart).

I would go down the road of talking with her and as someone suggested give it a longer time frame than you think you need so you can surprise her that way. The security of promise is likely to be much more important to her than the ring if she loves you and it will bring you both closer.

Good luck!

Ellsbells

metoobackthen wrote: »

I was also engaged before, finances were also an issue. In the run up to it, it was talked about, analysed, turned over, talked about again, mulled over, discussed.....SO much so that by the time he eventually decided to actually propose, about a year later, rather than overwhelming joy and happiness, I just felt a little deflated.
No matter how often I had told him that there was no pressure, that I'd be happy getting proposed to in a field, he insisted on the dream- his dream- of whisking me away on a fancy holiday. By the time the proposal happened, no amount of impressive photos of that holiday made up for the fact that our relationship was a shadow of its former self. The 5 star hotel felt OTT and artificial, as if he was trying to compensate for something that he didn't need to.
I genuinely wish he had proposed in a field- we'd still be together& he'd be a couple of hundred euros the richer too. You don't show someone you love them by splashing the cash.
OP, I can guarantee you that the security& confidence& happiness that comes with being engaged& married to someone you love is worth FAR FAR more to your gf than "things".
Go for it!

I totally, 150% agree.... I was deflated too and it killed our relationship.... Its not all about the expensive proposal and ring for all girls and it is often just about the promise of a future together... talk to her or you really risk losing her.

ash23

When I say discuss it and then do something devastatingly romantic and lovely to propose, I don't mean devastatingly expensive.

For me, I'm not materialistic so it wouldn't bother me an iota if someone I loved proposed in a field and had no money for a big engagement ring.
But not all women/men are like that. Some do want a big elaborate proposal and a big rock to show their friends and families. So OPs partner might be very disappointed at a proposal with a plain band and promise of a small wedding.

OP would know that better than we would though.