Girlfriends Past

LegacyUser

I have been going out with a girl for over two years now and I consider us to be in a serious relationship. She is one of the nicest, most generous people I have ever met.

However there are a couple of things which bother me, and to be honest they are probably down to my own insecurities, but I would like some advise on dealing with them. I will try keep this brief.

Our relationship started out shakey. The first night we met we kissed. After that we didn't speak again for a couple of months until a random meeting which ended up spurring us into the relationship we have now. The part that we didn't speak until then was my fault, because I didn't call her. I had been hurt and was scared to go near anyting or anyone again.

We had been together a couple of months when she revealed that she had slept with someone else in the time that we have known each other. She said it was before we had committed to being a relationship and didn't specify the time when. I was really hurt and didn't know what to do.

I decided to try just let it go because I had been happier than I had been in a long time with her. But letting it go was harder than I thought. I eventually figured out who it was and through a facebook friendship I figured out who it was. Things were tainted after I knew this.

I tried to forget about it, but it would always come back nagging at me. I tried to talk to her a couple of times about it, but it would always end in an arguement. Eventually we had some calm chats about it, and she tried to reassure me about things. I always asked when it happened but she always said she couldn't remember and never specified.

Eventually it came up again around xmas time last year and admitted it was in the gap between us kissing and bumping into each other again. I felt a relief that it was then, because of course she had the right to do that. I had not been in touch or anything. But my relief then turned to anger to wonder why she left me so long thinking it was while we were dating.

I don't want to bring it up again but at the same time I can't seem to let it go completely either.
Arrrgh...advise please?

jellygems

jealousmaybe wrote: »

I have been going out with a girl for over two years now and I consider us to be in a serious relationship. She is one of the nicest, most generous people I have ever met.

However there are a couple of things which bother me, and to be honest they are probably down to my own insecurities, but I would like some advise on dealing with them. I will try keep this brief.

Our relationship started out shakey. The first night we met we kissed. After that we didn't speak again for a couple of months until a random meeting which ended up spurring us into the relationship we have now. The part that we didn't speak until then was my fault, because I didn't call her. I had been hurt and was scared to go near anyting or anyone again.

We had been together a couple of months when she revealed that she had slept with someone else in the time that we have known each other. She said it was before we had committed to being a relationship and didn't specify the time when. I was really hurt and didn't know what to do.

I decided to try just let it go because I had been happier than I had been in a long time with her. But letting it go was harder than I thought. I eventually figured out who it was and through a facebook friendship I figured out who it was. Things were tainted after I knew this.

I tried to forget about it, but it would always come back nagging at me. I tried to talk to her a couple of times about it, but it would always end in an arguement. Eventually we had some calm chats about it, and she tried to reassure me about things. I always asked when it happened but she always said she couldn't remember and never specified.

Eventually it came up again around xmas time last year and admitted it was in the gap between us kissing and bumping into each other again. I felt a relief that it was then, because of course she had the right to do that. I had not been in touch or anything. But my relief then turned to anger to wonder why she left me so long thinking it was while we were dating.

I don't want to bring it up again but at the same time I can't seem to let it go completely either.
Arrrgh...advise please?

my advice would be get over urself, u werent dating or even talking for that matter

LegacyUser

I just realised I really didn't clarify my issue here. It's fine that it happened when we weren't even dating or anything...mu upset is with the fact that she let me think that it was for over a year. Even though it was really upsetting, and causing issues.

Maybe I still should get over myself....but why leave someone thinking that for over a year..

Ellsbells

Oh yeah - build a bridge... She didn't tell you because you obviously didn't ask the right questions.

deisemum

You should get over yourself and get a grip. You're coming across like someone who will not be happy with her and are just looking for any excuse to be having a go at her.

If you want to ruin the relationship continue as you are like a dog with a bone but if you want it to work then grow up. If she were a friend of mine I'd be advising her to really think if she wants someone in her life that just wanted to keep on at her as you've been or want a mature relationship.

Taltos

jealousmaybe wrote: »

I just realised I really didn't clarify my issue here. It's fine that it happened when we weren't even dating or anything...mu upset is with the fact that she let me think that it was for over a year. Even though it was really upsetting, and causing issues.

Maybe I still should get over myself....but why leave someone thinking that for over a year..

To be blunt - because what she did when not with you is really none of your business and you have no say or rights to make any judgement on what she did or who she saw. The only matter that should concern you is that whatever she did she did so safely so that there is no risk of an STI - but again once you are both checked that should be the end to it.

Look - either you can accept that this is all you and you are able to fully let go of whatever feelings you are holding or you need to end this. Blaming her for having a life and not wanting to share all of her personal details is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship - and in fairness that is something you both deserve. So if you can't let it go - let her go...

Mighty_Mouse

It's not a technical timing difference. That's just some twist to make you feel confortable about your blatant unreasonable jealously.

IMO this type of jealousy requires insecurity.

So what if she slept with someone before you.
She probably snogged & groped her way through every drunken night out since she was 16!! Did you?

Are you going to spend you time with her feeling like a small man or are you going to have faith in yourself & work on making her happy?

Dixie Chick

Hi OP

I have to agree with the others. 2 years ye are now going out and this is an issue which you cant get over? So when you try and talk to her about it...what exactly do you want, an apology? maybe a higher control foothold in the relationship cos of it?. It cant be that you want an explanation...eh cos you have that!

I know thats harsh but you need to get past this, you will drive the girl away

Herrick

jealousmaybe wrote: »

Our relationship started out shakey. The first night we met we kissed. After that we didn't speak again for a couple of months until a random meeting which ended up spurring us into the relationship we have now. The part that we didn't speak until then was my fault, because I didn't call her. I had been hurt and was scared to go near anyting or anyone again.

We had been together a couple of months when she revealed that she had slept with someone else in the time that we have known each other. She said it was before we had committed to being a relationship and didn't specify the time when. I was really hurt and didn't know what to do.

I decided to try just let it go because I had been happier than I had been in a long time with her. But letting it go was harder than I thought. I eventually figured out who it was and through a facebook friendship I figured out who it was. Things were tainted after I knew this.

I tried to forget about it, but it would always come back nagging at me. I tried to talk to her a couple of times about it, but it would always end in an arguement. Eventually we had some calm chats about it, and she tried to reassure me about things. I always asked when it happened but she always said she couldn't remember and never specified.

Eventually it came up again around xmas time last year and admitted it was in the gap between us kissing and bumping into each other again. I felt a relief that it was then, because of course she had the right to do that. I had not been in touch or anything. But my relief then turned to anger to wonder why she left me so long thinking it was while we were dating.

Wait a sec guys I think we "might" be getting the wronng end of the stick here.

My take on it is the they kissed, had no contact for a few months, thats grand.

Then started seeing each other. But then the gf said she slept with a guy while they were dating before they became exclusive. Now she has changed her story and says it happened after the kiss and losing contact before dating.

My take on this is the OP is upset because she shagged a guy while they were dating.

At least thats how it seems to me, am I wrong OP?

LegacyUser

jealousmaybe wrote: »

Our relationship started out shakey. The first night we met we kissed. After that we didn't speak again for a couple of months until a random meeting which ended up spurring us into the relationship we have now. The part that we didn't speak until then was my fault, because I didn't call her. I had been hurt and was scared to go near anyting or anyone again.

We had been together a couple of months when she revealed that she had slept with someone else in the time that we have known each other. She said it was before we had committed to being a relationship and didn't specify the time when.

The impression I get from the OPS post is – he kissed a girl and that was it..no calls/ texts or further dates until they met a few months later and got together again and are still together 2 yrs later.
She said she slept with somebody before they had committed to being in a relationship – I would assume she was with somebody between the first time they kissed and the second time they met a few months later which would mean the girl is fair game and she could have done whatever she wanted in the interim period.
The OP didn’t contact her after their first kiss, no calls nothing and now he is pissed off she is slept with somebody else when they weren’t together and still annoyed about it 2 yrs later. jealus is an understatement.

AhInFairness

Herrick wrote: »

But then the gf said she slept with a guy while they were dating before they became exclusive. Now she has changed her story and says it happened after the kiss and losing contact before dating.

My take on this is the OP is upset because she shagged a guy while they were dating.

I've bolded the key word for you there. I don't actually see how she changed her story when she never actually told him when it happened. She had no reason to tell him. It was before they were a couple. I would be curious as to how this revelation came about. My money would be on the OP asking her if she had been with anyone else before they got together.

It's been over a year and a half since this big reveal and the OP can't let it go. If he can't get over his own insecurity, and that is exactly what this comes down to, then he should end the relationship. Continuously bringing up her past when it has no bearing whatsoever on their previous relationship is childish behaviour and she would be well within her rights to walk.

kjl

In my opinion there are 1 of 2 things happening here
1. You obsessed so much about this but you never actually talked to her about it, instead you snooped on Facebook looking for an answer in which case it's you own fault and you need to forget about it.

or

2. She added this new piece of information which is actually a white lie to make you feel better about the whole situation.

either way, the problem here is trust, you said you were hurt before and you are scared of getting hurt again and this could be the reason why you feel this way now. Talk to her, something you should have done from the start anyway, and explain to her how you feel about this, let her convince you that she can be trusted.