Fallen out with sis... now she's pregnant

happyfeet2010

A few months ago I had a row with my sister. My brother in law/her husband was there too at the time. The argument was really between myself and my sister. But my brother in law decided to get involved too.

I would have been happy enough to have just had an argument with my sis... been fuming for a few days and then eventually it would have passed and we would have been the best of friends again for another while. My sister is very difficult to get along with. She is moody. One minute she can be all happy and friendly and the next minute she snaps at a person for the slightest of things. It drives the rest of our family crazy... and she has often upset many members of my family.

Anyway, I was really upset and angry at the fact that not only did my bro-in-law get involved but he swore at me too. My sister stood there and said nothing. It was like as if they thought so little of me. That it was o.k. to swear at me.

After that she tore my Mum to shreds about me and had a huge argument with my Mum about me. Which I don't understand. My Mum had nothing to do with the argument that took place. She started saying other hurtful things about me to my Mum. Just to paint me in a bad light. My Mum reckons that she is jealous of me as we always get on very well.

I was very upset with the way my sis and her husband spoke to me during the argument. I was also upset with the fact that she had a row with my Mum about me too. I mean Mum had nothing at all to do with it!! It made me think how little herself and her husband think of me and my family.

I have not spoken to my sis or bro-in-law really since the argument. I am still waiting for an apology from one of them for the way in which I was spoken to. I know this will probably never happen. Even if my sis came to me and said-look I''m sorry about the way he spoke to you- I could forgive them. When she did come to speak to me afterwards she was still not backing down.. even with the benefit of being able to talk to me the next day when everyone had calmed down.

So now I have found out that my sis is pregnant. Which came as a bit of a surprise. She has told my parents and my other siblings but she has not contacted me to tell me.
So, what I am wondering now is... how do I approach it when the child arrives. Usually I would visit the mum and baby, christening, gifts, baby-sit, play with the children, etc etc...
But I don't really feel like doing that now..
I really don't know what to do in this situation. What is the child going to think of me as there Aunty when they are older. They will wonder what happened. More than likely he or she will not be told the truth. Will I ever get to have any contact with the child?

looksee

Goodness you are looking a long way ahead there OP! Leave it for now, if she approaches you, fine, if you meet her by chance at a family do, be pleasant if not best buddies.

By the time the child arrives it will be next spring. Even if you have not made up by then, take your pressy, visit the new baby, be nice and just get on with it as though nothing had happened.

You don't have to live in your sister's pocket but no point in letting a row fester for ever. If she picks up on the row again just say, 'well I have my life to live, I can't be bothered with your trouble making. when you feel like being part of the family again let me know. See you, bye'. Just because your sister is obnoxious doesn't mean you have to join in.

Kidchameleon

Why don't the two of you act like adults and talk about it?

woodchuck

How old are you OP?

Assuming you're not a teenager (and actually even if you are...) you should be able to settle an argument with a family member easily enough unless it's over something serious. You haven't said what started the argument, but presumably it was something small/forgivable since you said you would normally have gone back to be being friends after a few days.

I think you're both just being stubborn at this stage, so you might just have to be the bigger person here if you want to get your relationship with your sister back on track. TALK to her ffs. I come from a family where both my parents have had numerous long feuds with their siblings my whole life and the ONLY thing it's down to is pure stubborness. I think you both need to get over yourselves and just kiss and make up, even if you have to make the first move.

happyfeet2010

I can see that you feel like I should just grow up, apologise and just get on with. But To be honest, I don't see why I should go to her and apologise this time. I was not the person in the wrong during the argument!! I was an easy target to take her temper out on. Which she has so frequently done. I know that She was annoyed at another problem that had taken place that day. So it was easy to attack me.

Had things been different- had it just been an argument with my sis- I feel that I would have been much more able to come to some agreement with her even if she is difficult. I would have felt more able to talk to her and to some common ground. Regardless of who was in the wrong during the argument.

However, I cannot see my bro-in-law ever coming to apologise to me. This really angers me. He swore at one of my sister's friends a few years ago during an argument and they stopped speaking. They had been friends since secondary school and now 15 years later they are not talking. My sisters friend was understandable very upset at being sworn at and also when my sis didn't bother to stand up for her. In my opinion if i was going out with guy that swore at a friend of mine then that would be the end of the road for us!!

He has never been to nicest of people to me... usually I try to not take any notice of him. Otherwise I would get very upset after spending a short amount of time with him. He can be very insulting. He often takes the piss out of members of my family to my face. I don't think he'd like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

My bro-in-law somehow manages to control my sister... but does so in a charming way. Like when he wants to do something his way he says it like as if it was her idea of doing it that way all along. She's happy because she thinks shes in control and hes happy because he has got his way and is actually the only person in control.

The pair of them make me sick. When she came to me after to talk about it. She had still not backed down and I honestly couldn't even look at her in the face. I just feel as if she and her husband think so little of me. So because of this I really don't see the point in making up with them again.

LegacyUser

If you dislike both of them so much OP then just leave them. Your may interest in fixing the relationship seems to be your sisters pregnancy rather then any real love for her or the OH. So what if their child does not have a relationship with you. I can understand you like being an Aunt but it sounds like you've plenty of family and friends with kids. Most likely you'll just be another relation to the kid if they see you at family functions and if the parents tell them all sorts about you well sadly they are the childs parents so if they want to fill their kids head with nonsense that's their choice.

woodchuck

It's up to you whether or not you think the relationship is worth salvaging.

If it is, then suck it up and make the first move. You don't have to go grovelling with a fake apology, but you could just tell her why what happened was so hurtful and hopefully an apology will naturally follow from her side. Just because you want to make up with your sister doesn't mean you have to make up with her husband btw. You could just be civil to him at family occasions etc.

If you don't think the relationship is worth salvaging then just leave it be. Be civil/polite and send cards/presents to the child if you want to, but accept that there's no way you can have a proper relationship with your niece unless you patch things up with your sister.

Mighty_Mouse

You come across as innocent and easily offended.

In my opinion if i was going out with guy that swore at a friend of mine then that would be the end of the road for us!!

He's a grumpy fecker who "sweared" at you, so what?
You sister married him, he is her problem.

Stop turning into a quivering mess at the 1st sign of aggression.
You are cut so deep? Your feelings so mortally wounded? What a load of childish nonsense.
Stop being so morally righteous.

Remember, you cannot ever be truly angry at an idiot?
It is easier to nail him for his behaviour, set boundaries & move on?
Like you would with a child.

Why are you letting this school ground crap fester?

Focus on the relationship you have with your sister.
Can you have a conversation whereby you explain that you feel she flies off the handle?

You need to grow up & learn to deal with problems as they arise through calm honest conversations where you tell the other person& how they are making you feel.

Park this victimhood crap about how you feel bad for your family, your mother, your other family members, the school friend or whatever.

Ever see a pair of toddlers have row whereby one starts accusing the other?

When she came to me after to talk about it.

This should of been the end of it.
There shouldn't even been a need for words.
It should of been resolved with a look & a hug but you want a grovelling apology.

It was a fight, they happen, get over it, get on with it.

Do you realise how short life is?

Big Bag of Chips

My sister sounds very similar to yours.. in that she would never admit to be wrong and would never ever apologise.. ever!

We had a row a few years ago, and for once, just to see what would happen I didn't "make the first move". We didn't speak for a year and a half!

In the end, I knew it was upsetting my mother, so I just started speaking to her again. No apology, no big discussion, I just got on with it.

I think that is what you are going to have to do.. just talk to her. You don't have to speak to her husband.. ever. She is married to him, but you don't have to like him.

sam34

all this drama and angst because he swore at you and didn't apologise?

seriously?

tbh

here's the thing - you're either going to make up with her, or you're never going to speak to her again for the rest of your life. Or hers.

So- lets assume that the argument wasn't really that bad and you are eventually going to speak again. That means one of you has to make the first move. Why not you? I mean, you can have your pride, or you can have your sister. You said yourself that once it's sorted out you'll be the best of mates, and she probably feels as bad about it as you do.

Funny thing about rows tho. You can have a row, and if one of you apologises, it's all forgotten about. If you leave it without apologising, both of you start to stew on it. You know deep down that it's silly to keep fighting, so you start to rationalise it in your head, and you make up reasons not to talk to her - and that's when feuds start.

My advice is this. Lifes too short to carry on with a stupid fight, no matter who's fault it was. In five years time you're not going to remember this fight at all.

Be the bigger person, call round to her house and tell her and her partner that you're sorry, that you don't want to fight with them and that you want to be friends again.

And then it'll be sorted.

looksee

Tbh, in the main I agree with you. It does depend a bit on who you are dealing with though. I think if I knew, from previous experience, that the other person was then going to go around saying 'that smarmy cow came round all lovey-dovey wanting to make friends' I would be a bit reluctant to make very obvious moves!

If it could happen naturally, within say a family occasion, there is less chance for the (sister) to get on her high horse, and fences could be mended without her even noticing.

Not saying the first example is how the sister would act, but there are people out there who are beyond dealing with, and best left alone.

Oryx

You dont have to be in the wrong to be the one to make things right. This isnt a match where youre scoring points on some 'I was right' league. Sometimes its better to mend things regardless of who is wrong, rather than prolonging and increasing hassle that, lets face it, neither of you need.

And leave the husband out of this, just for a moment. If you love your sister, and want to be there for her throughout her pregnancy and the arrival of her new baby, then make contact and get past this argument. Dont worry about coming across as weak, just get in touch.

The second, (and bigger) issue, as I see it, is your sisters ongoing attitude towards you, and her relationship with her husband - which sounds unbalanced at best. You have to find a way of dealing with both of them which doesnt leave you upset and feeling wronged. You know what they are like. You dislike him intensely. But they are family and the best thing to do is keep contact with them as a couple friendly and nice but minimal. If either of them drag you into a row, do not engage. Walk away. You dont have to fight back. This is not about point scoring. Its about having a decent ongoing relationship with people you are connected to for life.

happyfeet2010

Cantloginnow- I agree with the fact that my interest in fixing things has more to do with my sister pregnancy rather than love for her. Which almost make me think… why should I bother patching things up?

Woodchuck- Making up with my sis involves making up with bro-in-law… in their case anyway. He thinks the world of himself… she thinks the world of him… so they expect everyone else to think that he’s great too. She would still not be happy if I didn’t make up with him also. In fact she would probably ask me to apologise to him.

Woodchuck and sam34- yes I believe being sworn at is a big deal. I honestly can’t understand why you don’t!! It’s rude, disrespectful and besides… it’s just not needed.
I did try talking to her and explain why I was upset- and she was having none of it. Like I mean she came to talk to me after the argument… but it was more like she came to argue with me again. Where was the point in it? I don’t think SHE realises how short life is. This is also something that the rest of my family have pointed out. She and her husband are extremely selfish.

Tbh- Thank you for such a sensible reply! However, I really don’t think she feels any remorse about what went on whatsoever.


I know that if I went to talk to her about it… she would just lecture me again about how she was right… I mean she’s already done the follow up talk/argument and done that… I don’t know if I want a second follow up argument.


Oryx- thank you for your reply. Especially that you have noticed by reading that they have a bad attitude towards me. This for me is the underlying problem. O.k… so I go and talk to her in the hopes of being able to be on speaking terms again. Maybe we will be friendly again but I know that their attitude and opinion of me will never change. Regardless of what I do they are still going to think the same way about me. They are still going to make little snide remarks in the hopes that they would someone feel better about themselves for my shortfalls. This makes me wonder is there any point in resolving the problem?

Big Bag of Chips

I don't mean talk to her "about it"... I just mean talk to her.. in general.

As in the next time you see her say "Were you watching Katie Taylor?", or "will you pass me the sugar".... Anything.

She's not going to apologise. You don't need to apologise. You believe you are right, so does she/he. So just move on and don't mention it.

That's what I do with my sister, because I'd rather not spend my life stressed and upset about having to be in the same space as her and not talk.. it easier to forget it than to wait for an apology that will never come.

happyfeet2010

The thought of looking at her/ talking to her or anything to do with her makes me sick. Which is awful to say.. but it's the truth.

...but I suppose it's the only way forward.

jimmycrackcorm

Sorry op but I think you are a cheeky b!

You're annoyed because your BIL stood up for his wife speaks volumes. You obviously haven't been the innocent one here. Why would he stand by and let you insult his wife and say nothing unless you were downright nasty. You state your family think the same about her but that's hearsay when your own admission is that you argued to such a degree that your BIL found it necessary to respond in such a manner.


You'll be a long time waiting for an apology. If you truly believe that you and your sister can have these isolated rows solely between yourselves then you should accept that you are primarily to blame when your BIL had to step in. You obviously went too far.

LegacyUser

OP honestly you come across as incredibly jealous and a complete drama queen.
So what of your brother in law is a pig? it's none of you're business. Your sister is a grown woman she can make her own choices, how he treats your sisters friends, other members of your family, that also has nothing to do with you, it's between him and them.

The irony in your post is a laughable, You complain because her husband got involved in a fight that was nothing to do with him, yet from the sounds of things you and the rest of your family discuss her life behind her back, b**ch about him etc -you're doing the exact same thing - getting involved in stuff which has nothing to do with you! how do you think that makes her feel?

- I agree with the fact that my interest in fixing things has more to do with my sister pregnancy rather than love for her. Which almost make me think… why should I bother patching things up?

OP your posts are all me me me....it's funny how this not talking to your sister didn't bother you until your sister announced she was pregnant... it sounds like you love drama, as soon as your sister announced she was pregnant the spotlight was on her..so in order to bring attention back to you, you want to bring back up an argument from months ago. Honestly such childish behaviour, i can understand why the argument was the last straw for your sister tbh.