Angry Boyfriend

LegacyUser · 08-08-2012 12:09pm #1

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an angry person? I mean angry in general. My boyfriend is literally two comments away from blowing his top at any given time and I'm not sure I can deal with him any more. I've realised that I'm constantly on edge and my personality is being affected.

It can be anything that sets him off. I've seen him drive aggressively after a car that cut him off, get into a proper shouting match with a middle aged man who commented that we skipped the queue in a shop (we hadn't which further added to him thinking his argument was warrented), a couple of fights in bars, plenty of near misses/shoving situations and the worst was when he shouted at a middle aged woman in a train station to the point that she shouted help. Again in this last case,there were reasons he felt justified but it's his handling of these situations that I can't take.

Arguments between us have gone off the chart with me finding myself in a lose-lose situtation. Bombarding me with his argument, roaring at me to stop speaking while he makes his point, two minutes later demanding why I'm not speaking, until I have no idea what the argument or dispute was about in the first place and I feel I have to manage him back to us making up. But without me getting to express my points or feel as though the argument was fixed. My last birthday was completely ruined when I was left so upset over what should have been at worst a quick back and forward bicker.

Apart from "actual issues" like those above, he is constantly ready to give out in an over the top aggressive way. There's no middle ground, its as if he commits to a fight from the moment there's a dispute or something has happened to annoy him. Ridiculous as it sounds, what prompted me to write this was an argument over a pan I didn't clean. He said I destroyed the whole kitchen, which meant he had to spend 45 minutes cleaning it and next time not to bether making him food. Hilarious to read and why would I use it as an example but I could see he was ready to go for a full on fight with it. Over a pan. I'm just sick of it.

He has argued with me in front of my friends, in front of his friends and in front of my family. He also got in a fight in front of my friends one of the first times they met him. And then F**ked me off in front of them and stormed off home when it was clear I wasn't happy this had happened.

The thing is, if I laid all this out in front of him, he would break it all down into individual situations and justify each one. It's hard to make him see that it's an ongoing thing. He hates anything not going to his plan - going to get public transport with him is a nightmare because he doesn't want to be too early because he hates waiting around but he also obviously doesn't want to be late.

To be fair, he agreed to go to anger management of some description as long as I get all the info and arrange it. He thinks I'm too sensitive, his anger doesn't affect him at all. He can go right up to horrible full on shouting and aggression and five minutes later be absolutely normal. Whereas if I get that angry it takes it out of me and I feel upset for quite some time after. He seems to thinks it's normal. He grew up with just his mam and he can be quite aggressive with her too but I think she's just used to it. I just don't think it's right to be so close to exploding all the time. He feels bad afterwards sometimes but ultimately while he's in it, it's about being right. If there's a positive side to this at all, he's always quick to complain about poor service and demand compensation.

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get it out. It's so draining. I'd particularly love to hear from any men who can relate to my boyfriend at all. He's 30 by the way.

Thanks.

tbh · 08-08-2012 1:31pm

why are you with him?

tinkerbell · 08-08-2012 1:36pm

God OP, the only advice I have for you is to get the hell away from him. He has serious anger problems and I would not put up with that, all that stuff that he is doing is abusive behaviour and I would not put up with it. These anger problems are worrying as well considering he goes so over the top at any situation that he can't be far off to actually physically acting out his anger and therefore whacks you or whacks someone else. You said yourself he terrified a lady who actually screamed for help.

So I'd be dumping him, you can't live in an environment like that and you'd be a fool to put up with it. As for this anger management course, he doesn't give a crap. He saidhe'd only do it if you got him all the info - why should you? He's the one with the problem, not you, but he doesn't seem to understand that. Life's too short to waste it on a psycho like him.

geeky · 08-08-2012 1:38pm

Get out IMO. Many people have trouble controlling their temper - I do, my wife has rightly called me on it, and I'm dealing with that stuff better I think - but his behaviour is well beyond the norm, quite possibly dangerous.

Toast4532 · 08-08-2012 1:40pm

tbh wrote: »

why are you with him?

I have to agree with this.

He sounds like a horrible, horrible person, and there is no excuse/reasoning that can justify his behaviour.

You should walk away from him, because as long as you hang around and put up with the behaviour the longer he will continue with it and get away with it.

I don't know how you or any person could be with a partner who carries on the way yours does. He should be ashamed of himself.

The part about the woman who shouted help when he was being aggressive towards her, would have been the final straw for me. Imagine to think, she felt so threatened by him and his behaviour she shouted out to strangers for help? If you were in her situation how would you have felt?

His behaviour is disgusting and nothing short of it. He needs help and ASAP, no one should carry on the way he does, he's a disgrace.

Neyite · 08-08-2012 2:06pm

Why should he change his behaviour if you are happy to stick around regardless? He sees nothing wrong with his temper and is "indulging" you by agreeing to go to anger management counselling - oh, of course if you do all the legwork. :rolleyes: I guarantee that when you sign him up to them, he will start skipping appointments or the appointments will clash with a prior arrangment.

I dont believe for one second that he cant help his anger. I see that he roars at people he can get away with it with. He is smart enough not to use that aggression on his mates, or his boss, but he is happy to do it to women (his mum, you and that lady in the train station) or elderly. Do you know what that sounds like OP? The beginings of domestic violence.

So, with that in mind, I would urge you to look up information on domestic abuse, and it will give you coping strategies until you are strong enough to leave. That is the advise I have for you with regard to handling him, as you asked for in your OP, but the other advise which you didnt ask for, that I will give you, is leave him.

Silene · 08-08-2012 2:13pm

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Speaking personally, this would really bother me. I mean aside from the anger issues, it would make me seriously question the relationship if someone I was with didn't bother to speak up and want to defend me against 'bad things' said by friends or whoever. And particularly if they have no shyness or any problem with speaking up in other situations.

As to the anger thing, you don't have to deal with it. The question you should be asking is "how do I get to a point where I realise I don't have to deal with it?". Unless you want to waste months and years of your life trying to get someone to change who is quite happy being exactly as they are. How long have you been together?

Stavro Mueller · 08-08-2012 2:15pm

Agree with the above posters. Get the hell out of there before he does you any more damage. Please take all the advice on this thread, pack your bags and go. As soon as you can. Go back to your family or to a close friend. I would bet anything that they will greet you with open arms and thank heavens that you've seen sense and left this animal. So please please, leave as soon as you can.

It's a given that he has a very short fuse but what is worrying are the other matters surrounding it. He doesn't sound like he is one bit concerned that he is behaving in this aggressive fashion. I think the anger management classes would be a waste of money because he'd be going for all the wrong reasons.

The way he behaves towards people is simply not normal. I was shocked to read about that woman in the railway station - a person who was so terrified by your boyfriend that she felt she had to shout for help.

I bet he never apologises either. Instead, you're the one who will always be in the wrong. The one who's shouted down. The one who is too sensitive because you've been terrorised by him. I really hope you don't have any children. Just think of what damage would be inflicted on them if they had to grow up in this atmosphere.

As Neyite says above me, this sounds like the beginnings of domestic violence. Take her advice.

ananas · 08-08-2012 3:14pm

Oh my God, OP, I would never be the "dump him immediately for any tiny flaw" brigade but this is serious. You're walking on egg-shells around him for fear of upsetting him. He belittles you in front of people and makes you uncomfortable in his presence as he might blow up for no reason. This is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR. . Everyone has things that annoy them but living in civilised society means that you control yourself and don't explode at any little thing.

What would happen if you were to have children and they were to annoy him? Do you want your kids tip-toeing around for fear of upsetting Daddy? You can't have a normal life living like this.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2012 3:40pm

its a hard one, i know you love him but you feel like walking on eggshells constantly. i'm sorry to say this is the first step in you realising that his behavior is not acceptable. My fear for you is that it will eventually wear you down to the point you will do everything in your power to prevent an argument, the constant shouting will wear you down and erode away any self esteem.

i feel for you you, on one hand you love him but on the other his behavior is hurting you. first steps first, have you tried to talk to him in an objective manner (when hes in a calm mood), i know this is a hard one as he may go off on one but its worth letting him know that this is affecting you badly to the point where you are at your wits end. it wont be easy but it may be worth taking the first step in talking about it, getting it out in the open. its clear he has issues with anger, tell them if he continues on like this he will lose you, simple as. make it clear as possible, if he cant see this and it results in more arguments, then you need to start thinking of ending the relationship.

i used to be in a very similar position with my ex, after all the arguments/shouting i used to get 'i love you' so always forgave him. he kept saying hed change but nothing would. after a couple of years, it wore me down. eventually i walked away, i realised i could never have children with my partner, he'd end up screaming/shouting at them, i didnt want to subject any child to that.

its a very difficult choice to make but shouting at you in front of friends/family is massive red flag for me (used to happen to me all the time). i unfortunately chose to ignore it for a few years until such a time as i couldn't any more, just remember his behavior is taking its toll on you. you deserve to be in a happy healthy relationship... not this walking on eggshells. its not easy but try to be strong, put x

stargazer 68 · 08-08-2012 4:01pm

Have to say OP I agree with everyone else. You are going to come back on here and say 'oh but I love him and when he's not having a rant hes wonderful etc etc'.

However, if it was me I wouldn't want to go out anywhere with him in case he goes off on one, I wouldn't take him to family events in case he started there too or out with friends. Do you really want that kind of life??

The Big Red Button · 08-08-2012 4:13pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

Ridiculous as it sounds, what prompted me to write this was an argument over a pan I didn't clean. He said I destroyed the whole kitchen, which meant he had to spend 45 minutes cleaning it and next time not to bether making him food. Hilarious to read and why would I use it as an example but I could see he was ready to go for a full on fight with it. Over a pan. I'm just sick of it.

You're right. It does sound ridiculous, and I'm glad that you can see it that way.

You made him dinner, and he got mad at you for destroying the whole kitchen?

As you've said yourself, it was just an excuse to get into a fight with you.

It might be an idea to just re-read your whole post, and imagine it was a friend of yours writing it. Would you be encouraging them to stay in such a relationship? Do you feel that this is all they deserve?

He seems to be a very controlling person, and the anger issues could end up being very dangerous, especially as it seems he's so good at justifying himself all of the time.

My only advice would be to get out of this relationship. Don't compromise, don't try to change him - his problems are his own, leave him to sort them out on his own.

Borderfox · 08-08-2012 4:17pm

If your going out with someone like that I dont think they will change. How long before the anger and frustration is turned to you?

daisybelle2008 · 08-08-2012 4:39pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

To be fair, he agreed to go to anger management of some description as long as I get all the info and arrange it. He thinks I'm too sensitive, his anger doesn't affect him at all.

He grew up with just his mam and he can be quite aggressive with her too but I think she's just used to it.

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get it out. It's so draining. I'd particularly love to hear from any men who can relate to my boyfriend at all. He's 30 by the way.

Thanks.

Classic Bully behaviour. Funny how he can be a 'good' boy with his friends. :rolleyes:

You haven't mentioned children. But God I hope you don't have kids and that they have to witness this nasty abusiveness.

How would you feel at being roared at and abused infront of a little child (who was full of terror and would grow to think that is normal way for Daddy and Mammys to act)

He will go to anger management if you arrange it??

Seriously take a break from him, tell him you need a break from dealing with this.

Jesus you are reallly selling yourself so short OP. It is a very sad situation you have got yourself into. I hope you have the strength to want a more peaceful life for yourself and that you don't end up like his Mam. Browbeating by it.

username123 · 08-08-2012 4:41pm

Oh my god, he shouted so aggressively at a middle aged woman that she called out for help? Why exactly would you be with someone like this? That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. There is NO justification for behaving like that, frightening a middle aged woman so badly that she had to call out for help!!

Some people do have shorter fuses than others, and some people do have less emotional responses to verbal/physical anger responses. I do know one person who will quickly shout her head off at her mother/father/partner and not really take it to heart (none of them will) whereas if I had a verbal exchange of such escalation I would be very upset for ages afterwards. This individual does not escalate in such a way outside of her family as she has lost friends in the past for it and is aware that the behaviour is not acceptable in 'public' as it were.

The sad answer is that these people have normalised over the top responses to situations and they are bullies who deal with confrontation by escalating and escalating until the original row is irrelevant to most normal people, they just want the aggressive individual to back down because they are heading to violence.

I would never ever be able to be with someone who behaved like that, towards me, towards anyone. I would feel the same way about someone behaving like that to people as I would feel about someone who beats his wife, just a bullying scumbag who has no boundaries.

Btw - he doesnt behave that way to his friends because he knows he would have no friends left if he did. So he can control it, he just chooses not to with strangers (who he doesnt care about) and you (who accepts the behaviour without leaving him).

Edited to add - telling you to organise anger management means he is not owning the behaviour and is just going along with you to keep you quiet. If you do organise it I can pretty much guarantee you that he wont be any different as a result of it. Anger management is a bit like rehab, the person has to seek it, to want to do it, to make real change. This guy doesnt want any of that, he doesnt see an issue.

Pa Dee · 08-08-2012 7:07pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an angry person? I mean angry in general. My boyfriend is literally two comments away from blowing his top at any given time and I'm not sure I can deal with him any more. I've realised that I'm constantly on edge and my personality is being affected.

It can be anything that sets him off. I've seen him drive aggressively after a car that cut him off, get into a proper shouting match with a middle aged man who commented that we skipped the queue in a shop (we hadn't which further added to him thinking his argument was warrented), a couple of fights in bars, plenty of near misses/shoving situations and the worst was when he shouted at a middle aged woman in a train station to the point that she shouted help. Again in this last case,there were reasons he felt justified but it's his handling of these situations that I can't take.

Arguments between us have gone off the chart with me finding myself in a lose-lose situtation. Bombarding me with his argument, roaring at me to stop speaking while he makes his point, two minutes later demanding why I'm not speaking, until I have no idea what the argument or dispute was about in the first place and I feel I have to manage him back to us making up. But without me getting to express my points or feel as though the argument was fixed. My last birthday was completely ruined when I was left so upset over what should have been at worst a quick back and forward bicker.

Apart from "actual issues" like those above, he is constantly ready to give out in an over the top aggressive way. There's no middle ground, its as if he commits to a fight from the moment there's a dispute or something has happened to annoy him. Ridiculous as it sounds, what prompted me to write this was an argument over a pan I didn't clean. He said I destroyed the whole kitchen, which meant he had to spend 45 minutes cleaning it and next time not to bether making him food. Hilarious to read and why would I use it as an example but I could see he was ready to go for a full on fight with it. Over a pan. I'm just sick of it.

He has argued with me in front of my friends, in front of his friends and in front of my family. He also got in a fight in front of my friends one of the first times they met him. And then F**ked me off in front of them and stormed off home when it was clear I wasn't happy this had happened.

The thing is, if I laid all this out in front of him, he would break it all down into individual situations and justify each one. It's hard to make him see that it's an ongoing thing. He hates anything not going to his plan - going to get public transport with him is a nightmare because he doesn't want to be too early because he hates waiting around but he also obviously doesn't want to be late.

To be fair, he agreed to go to anger management of some description as long as I get all the info and arrange it. He thinks I'm too sensitive, his anger doesn't affect him at all. He can go right up to horrible full on shouting and aggression and five minutes later be absolutely normal. Whereas if I get that angry it takes it out of me and I feel upset for quite some time after. He seems to thinks it's normal. He grew up with just his mam and he can be quite aggressive with her too but I think she's just used to it. I just don't think it's right to be so close to exploding all the time. He feels bad afterwards sometimes but ultimately while he's in it, it's about being right. If there's a positive side to this at all, he's always quick to complain about poor service and demand compensation.

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get it out. It's so draining. I'd particularly love to hear from any men who can relate to my boyfriend at all. He's 30 by the way.

Thanks.

He behaves like scum. Reread you OP and get rid of him

okiss · 08-08-2012 11:25pm

Your boyfriend is 30 years old and is behaving like a small toddler who is not getting his way. He is abusive with you about everything and no matter what you do here it will never be right.
The fact the he has argued with you in front of your friends, family and in front of his friends should tell you at he has a major problem in this regard.
He will go to anger management class if you arrange this. This will never happen as he feels he does not have a problem. He is telling you this to keep you.
Every day you are with this man things will get worse for you. You will end up with no confidence in yourself long term.
It is only a matter of time before he could hit you.
I would follow the advice here and tell him that it is over.

Catari Jaguar · 09-08-2012 12:01am

Don't waste time with anyone who doesn't make you happy. Your personality is being affected. You're upset. You're sick of it. He humiliates you in front of your friends and family. Why put up with this? What possible reason could you have? This man is an abusive loser. Run away and don't look back.

peanuthead · 09-08-2012 3:08am

Hi OP

I havent been on boards in months, but I just HAD to log in to reply to this.

You have to end this relationship, but I gather that you probably won't, at least not yet.

Not only is this behaviour unacceptable, it is actually the beginning of what will, no doubt, turn out to be a physically abusive relationship, unless your partner gets the help to sort these issues out NOW.

People are always very quick to say that they would never stay in an abusive relationship, "You'd never find me sticking around" or my personal favourite "If he hit me once he better make sure I don't get back up..." but what they don't realise is that it is such a gradual thing that you are in that position before you even realise it.

It starts with simple anger. Usually at others, never directed at you. Then when you guys get to the stage where you are arguing he will take this rage out on you, verbally, but it will escalate to him hitting out at other things, a wall, throwing something etc....

Meanwhile, as you say, you start to retreat into yourself. You become on edge, and you may even find yourself conceding arguments, simply because you just want to keep the peace, or you know if you push him too far he will either storm away or hit out at something, and this upsets you.

What will inevitably happen is you will become sick of this. You will start to resent him and will eventually start to hit back (figuratively speaking) Him, having anger (and possibly control) issues will hate this and this is where the physical element will creep into your relationship.

This could take quite a number of years to manifest itself.

I don't mean to sound condescending here, there is no doubt that it is your OH who has the issues here, but would you consider a bit of counselling for self-esteem maybe?? I just think that women who put up with that kind of behaviour are maybe lacking the self confidence to tell the guy to shag off. I mean that in the most respectful of ways and I speak from personal experience on that.

The best of luck but please get out of that situation before it gets worse.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2012 11:41pm

OP here, firstly thanks so much for anyone who took the time to read and reply.

I'm kind of in shock at the responses. I knew it was bad but I didn't at all expect the reactions I got. I feel as if everyone is talking to somebody else! Until now I just felt like he was a particular personality that I wasn't used to. But I see how bad it looks when it's all written down. This makes me feel guilty because it's not like all those incidents happened in a row or anything but I suppose it doesn't matter. I've been trying to imagine what he'd say if I showed him this and I know he'd say that I made him look bad by not telling it in context or something. But that shouldn't matter I guess.

THe weirdest thing about reading the replies is how it feels like a weaker girl or something. But I would never be regarded as that. I've had three long term relationships and I would have been regarded as the dominant one in the relationships. Too much so actually. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was soft while sober and horribly verbally abusive when drunk. I was so aware of not being like my mother that growing up I was never even attracted to men who might be any kind of "trouble" as such. I was a bit too hard on them in fact and eventually discarded very decent men because "something was missing". So to find myself in this situation where I feel so weak or out of control is a bit surreal. It also makes me wonder is it just inevitable that you end up the stereotype that your family situation dictates? My boyfriend now is similiar to my dad in that he seems(and is in so many ways, to be fair) super nice unless he's in this "zone". Then he just can't or won't hear any reason. I can't imagine him actually being physically abusive but then I didn't see the anger issues at all until after we got together.

I feel like it's wrong to not give some kind of anger counselling a try at least.Even though I also suspect,along with most of the posters, that his heart isn't in it. Is it actually possible to make anger management work? Or do you just have to accept that it's your personality?

Again, thanks so much to all who replied.

saiint · 10-08-2012 11:09am

leave him
he will contact you with text messages facebook what ever giving you abuse
then a few weeks later he will be on his knees wanting you back saying he will change
then its up to you to decide to give him a chance or not

i kinda have the same prob with my girlfriend
she says im very aggressive
but i dont be at her
just at people who tick me off, i have a short temper for some reason

she not that bothered over it though other wise shed tell me, think shes the type of girl that enjoys an agressive fella haha but anyway if ya want to make him see your point of view leave him
that seems the only way he can be told hes in the wrong
been honest hes abit like me ha (god i hope its not me haha) but when me and my gf are fighting shed bring up things over the past ive done etc etc, id justify every one of them and bring up all the things shes done and she doesnt say anything after that

username123 · 10-08-2012 11:39am

TiredGirl wrote: »

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was soft while sober and horribly verbally abusive when drunk. I was so aware of not being like my mother that growing up I was never even attracted to men who might be any kind of "trouble" as such. I was a bit too hard on them in fact and eventually discarded very decent men because "something was missing". So to find myself in this situation where I feel so weak or out of control is a bit surreal. It also makes me wonder is it just inevitable that you end up the stereotype that your family situation dictates?

No. I grew up with a bullying aggressive alcoholic father (lovely when sober - rarely sober!). Whats inevitable is that you are at risk of following the same dysfunctional behaviour if you dont deal with the issues you have from your upbringing. Adult children of alcoholics are a well documented group who have some very well defined behavioural issues. Do some research, educate yourself. I did and I broke the cycle, I used to go out with horrible bullying types (I am considered a strong woman), but I had to unlearn what made me feel comfortable in order to fix myself.

The easiest way I can think to describe it is this - when you go to a dance you want to dance with a partner who knows the steps to the same dance you do. That way you dont stagger incompetently all over the dance floor looking stupid and you feel comfortable. Well my dance was the dance of the dysfunctional male partner. So I had to learn a new dance. And it was hard, it felt all wrong, the guy I learned it with wasnt attractive to me the way past guys were, he was too straight, too nerdy, not smart mouthed etc..... He called when he said he would and didnt play games, no drama, I was like - WHAT? How does this work? But it does work, I just had to learn how to dance with him.

For me the starting point was Alanon, then I ended up doing research on my own and reading up a lot of how alcoholism in the family affects people, specifically a daughter with an alcoholic father and I discovered I had loads of the well documented behaviours.

On the subject of the dysfunctional man in your life - its much easier not to deal with your own issues while his issues are so big and visible and taking so much attention. Take responsibility for yourself and sort yourself out and stop hiding behind the louder dysfunctional person in the relationship.

Oh and dump the loser too because he is bad news for you. You are like iron filings to a magnet for him, he only survives in a relationship because you put up with his disgusting behaviour.

curlzy · 10-08-2012 12:25pm

Some excellent advise from Username123. Read it a few times OP, it's spot on.

Stavro Mueller · 10-08-2012 12:58pm

You're a bit wide of the mark too when you're just focusing in on his anger issues. It's his general attitude that is equally as worrisome. He doesn't give a toss that his foul temper has terrorised others or is upsetting you. Au contraire. You're too sensitive apparently. Also, you are never ever right. Never. His opinion is the only one that counts and if you dare disagree he will grind you down until you say 'Yes Dear'. In other words, while his losing his temper is certainly an issue, don't let it detract from the way he behaves when he's not roaring and shouting.

I think you should read again what Neyite wrote.

I dont believe for one second that he cant help his anger. I see that he roars at people he can get away with it with. He is smart enough not to use that aggression on his mates, or his boss, but he is happy to do it to women (his mum, you and that lady in the train station) or elderly.

handlemaster · 10-08-2012 2:12pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an angry person? I mean angry in general. My boyfriend is literally two comments away from blowing his top at any given time and I'm not sure I can deal with him any more. I've realised that I'm constantly on edge and my personality is being affected.

It can be anything that sets him off. I've seen him drive aggressively after a car that cut him off, get into a proper shouting match with a middle aged man who commented that we skipped the queue in a shop (we hadn't which further added to him thinking his argument was warrented), a couple of fights in bars, plenty of near misses/shoving situations and the worst was when he shouted at a middle aged woman in a train station to the point that she shouted help. Again in this last case,there were reasons he felt justified but it's his handling of these situations that I can't take.

Arguments between us have gone off the chart with me finding myself in a lose-lose situtation. Bombarding me with his argument, roaring at me to stop speaking while he makes his point, two minutes later demanding why I'm not speaking, until I have no idea what the argument or dispute was about in the first place and I feel I have to manage him back to us making up. But without me getting to express my points or feel as though the argument was fixed. My last birthday was completely ruined when I was left so upset over what should have been at worst a quick back and forward bicker.

Apart from "actual issues" like those above, he is constantly ready to give out in an over the top aggressive way. There's no middle ground, its as if he commits to a fight from the moment there's a dispute or something has happened to annoy him. Ridiculous as it sounds, what prompted me to write this was an argument over a pan I didn't clean. He said I destroyed the whole kitchen, which meant he had to spend 45 minutes cleaning it and next time not to bether making him food. Hilarious to read and why would I use it as an example but I could see he was ready to go for a full on fight with it. Over a pan. I'm just sick of it.

He has argued with me in front of my friends, in front of his friends and in front of my family. He also got in a fight in front of my friends one of the first times they met him. And then F**ked me off in front of them and stormed off home when it was clear I wasn't happy this had happened.

The thing is, if I laid all this out in front of him, he would break it all down into individual situations and justify each one. It's hard to make him see that it's an ongoing thing. He hates anything not going to his plan - going to get public transport with him is a nightmare because he doesn't want to be too early because he hates waiting around but he also obviously doesn't want to be late.

To be fair, he agreed to go to anger management of some description as long as I get all the info and arrange it. He thinks I'm too sensitive, his anger doesn't affect him at all. He can go right up to horrible full on shouting and aggression and five minutes later be absolutely normal. Whereas if I get that angry it takes it out of me and I feel upset for quite some time after. He seems to thinks it's normal. He grew up with just his mam and he can be quite aggressive with her too but I think she's just used to it. I just don't think it's right to be so close to exploding all the time. He feels bad afterwards sometimes but ultimately while he's in it, it's about being right. If there's a positive side to this at all, he's always quick to complain about poor service and demand compensation.

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get it out. It's so draining. I'd particularly love to hear from any men who can relate to my boyfriend at all. He's 30 by the way.

Thanks.

Hes dumped. Move on.

LegacyUser · 10-08-2012 7:03pm

Just to reiterate what the others have said... dump him. He's broken and you'll never fix him. He sounds EXACTLY like my brother and his behaviour makes me feel ill sometimes. I'm lumbered with my brother's rages but you don't have to have that in your life. It sounds like you need answers to questions of your own but I think first things first; leave the mess behind you and get on with a healthy, happy life.

dodderangler · 11-08-2012 1:26pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an angry person? I mean angry in general. My boyfriend is literally two comments away from blowing his top at any given time and I'm not sure I can deal with him any more. I've realised that I'm constantly on edge and my personality is being affected.

It can be anything that sets him off. I've seen him drive aggressively after a car that cut him off, get into a proper shouting match with a middle aged man who commented that we skipped the queue in a shop (we hadn't which further added to him thinking his argument was warrented), a couple of fights in bars, plenty of near misses/shoving situations and the worst was when he shouted at a middle aged woman in a train station to the point that she shouted help. Again in this last case,there were reasons he felt justified but it's his handling of these situations that I can't take.

Arguments between us have gone off the chart with me finding myself in a lose-lose situtation. Bombarding me with his argument, roaring at me to stop speaking while he makes his point, two minutes later demanding why I'm not speaking, until I have no idea what the argument or dispute was about in the first place and I feel I have to manage him back to us making up. But without me getting to express my points or feel as though the argument was fixed. My last birthday was completely ruined when I was left so upset over what should have been at worst a quick back and forward bicker.

Apart from "actual issues" like those above, he is constantly ready to give out in an over the top aggressive way. There's no middle ground, its as if he commits to a fight from the moment there's a dispute or something has happened to annoy him. Ridiculous as it sounds, what prompted me to write this was an argument over a pan I didn't clean. He said I destroyed the whole kitchen, which meant he had to spend 45 minutes cleaning it and next time not to bether making him food. Hilarious to read and why would I use it as an example but I could see he was ready to go for a full on fight with it. Over a pan. I'm just sick of it.

He has argued with me in front of my friends, in front of his friends and in front of my family. He also got in a fight in front of my friends one of the first times they met him. And then F**ked me off in front of them and stormed off home when it was clear I wasn't happy this had happened.

The thing is, if I laid all this out in front of him, he would break it all down into individual situations and justify each one. It's hard to make him see that it's an ongoing thing. He hates anything not going to his plan - going to get public transport with him is a nightmare because he doesn't want to be too early because he hates waiting around but he also obviously doesn't want to be late.

To be fair, he agreed to go to anger management of some description as long as I get all the info and arrange it. He thinks I'm too sensitive, his anger doesn't affect him at all. He can go right up to horrible full on shouting and aggression and five minutes later be absolutely normal. Whereas if I get that angry it takes it out of me and I feel upset for quite some time after. He seems to thinks it's normal. He grew up with just his mam and he can be quite aggressive with her too but I think she's just used to it. I just don't think it's right to be so close to exploding all the time. He feels bad afterwards sometimes but ultimately while he's in it, it's about being right. If there's a positive side to this at all, he's always quick to complain about poor service and demand compensation.

One thing I find interesting is that as much as he's constantly out to prove that he can't be fcked over, he's very slow to confront his friends on anything. Even with small things like owing him money,We heard back that one of his friends said some bad things about me and he never confronted him on it. If it had been a stranger, hed batter them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get it out. It's so draining. I'd particularly love to hear from any men who can relate to my boyfriend at all. He's 30 by the way.

Thanks.

I used to be like that aswell and it near caused me my relationship with my gf though I would never fight someone in front of her because I'm afraid she would see a bad physical side to me that even I hate seeing
my gf is a saint for puttin up with me over the years And after fights after fights of doing what your bf does ie shouting over your voice and then givin out when you don't talk
I agreed anger management aswell as we have a little girl who is starting to cop when we are arguing and gettin upset but instead of going to anger management I decided to just cop on and grow up for everyone's sake and my relationship is better now and we both very happy there has been times when I felt like smashing my fists through the walls but I just walk away and come back in a few mins as I have time to think first bout what to say so I don't say somethin thick
Anger management ain't always gonna work it's up to him if he is that serious bout you to calm the fcuk down and think what's more important
That's what I done and I'm better now

Atb

Piliger · 11-08-2012 7:31pm

TiredGirl wrote: »

OP here, firstly thanks so much for anyone who took the time to read and reply.

I'm kind of in shock at the responses. I knew it was bad but I didn't at all expect the reactions I got. I feel as if everyone is talking to somebody else! Until now I just felt like he was a particular personality that I wasn't used to. But I see how bad it looks when it's all written down. This makes me feel guilty because it's not like all those incidents happened in a row or anything but I suppose it doesn't matter. I've been trying to imagine what he'd say if I showed him this and I know he'd say that I made him look bad by not telling it in context or something. But that shouldn't matter I guess.

THe weirdest thing about reading the replies is how it feels like a weaker girl or something. But I would never be regarded as that. I've had three long term relationships and I would have been regarded as the dominant one in the relationships. Too much so actually. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was soft while sober and horribly verbally abusive when drunk. I was so aware of not being like my mother that growing up I was never even attracted to men who might be any kind of "trouble" as such. I was a bit too hard on them in fact and eventually discarded very decent men because "something was missing". So to find myself in this situation where I feel so weak or out of control is a bit surreal. It also makes me wonder is it just inevitable that you end up the stereotype that your family situation dictates? My boyfriend now is similiar to my dad in that he seems(and is in so many ways, to be fair) super nice unless he's in this "zone". Then he just can't or won't hear any reason. I can't imagine him actually being physically abusive but then I didn't see the anger issues at all until after we got together.

I feel like it's wrong to not give some kind of anger counselling a try at least.Even though I also suspect,along with most of the posters, that his heart isn't in it. Is it actually possible to make anger management work? Or do you just have to accept that it's your personality?

Again, thanks so much to all who replied.

If you love him, really love him - then it is worth giving anger management a go. However it's like being an alcoholic, it can ONLY have a tiny chance to work IF he wants it to work.

I read what you are saying in your first paragraph above. But I cannot help saying to you that this is your way of rationalising an appalling situation. It IS as bad as people are saying to you. It IS NOT acceptable. You are worth a lot MORE than this.

Read what "username123" has to say about this above. It is one of the more profound posts to have been made here in a long time.

Best ofm luck.

Angry Boyfriend

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