Dating girl 3 months - Cannot read her

LegacyUser

I have being seeing a girl for almost 3 months. We meet up maybe once a week, go for drinks or a meal then I stay at hers or she stays at mine.
We don’t contact each other much between meetups, maybe a few texts during the week.
I like this girl. However I am finding her extremely difficult to read. I do most of the initiating contact and organising to meetup. Sometimes I wonder if she would bother contacting me if I didn’t initiate everything.
The physical side of things is great, but she is not affectionate at all. No hugs, cuddles etc. In the mornings she can be standoffish and is usually eager to get back to her own place. I sometimes feel I am being used for sex!
We’re both in our 30’s. I’m at the point where I feel I will probably end things. I just feel she is not into me. Suppose I am just looking for opinions before I pull the trigger.

bouncebouncey

So you meet up once a week, have a drink, go back to one of your place, have sex.

She doesn't initiate contact, doesn't show any affection and 'the morning after' she can't get away from you quick enough.

It doesn't sound to me like you're dating at all to be honest. Do you deem yourself to be in a relationship with this woman? I doubt she thinks shes in one with you by the sound of things.

As to your problem all you can do is try and speak to her about it and see what she wants out of the 'relationship' and if it is compatible to what you want or is headed in the same direction.

pipelaser

weary999 wrote: »

I have being seeing a girl for almost 3 months. We meet up maybe once a week, go for drinks or a meal then I stay at hers or she stays at mine.
We don’t contact each other much between meetups, maybe a few texts during the week.
I like this girl. However I am finding her extremely difficult to read. I do most of the initiating contact and organising to meetup. Sometimes I wonder if she would bother contacting me if I didn’t initiate everything.
The physical side of things is great, but she is not affectionate at all. No hugs, cuddles etc. In the mornings she can be standoffish and is usually eager to get back to her own place. I sometimes feel I am being used for sex!
We’re both in our 30’s. I’m at the point where I feel I will probably end things. I just feel she is not into me. Suppose I am just looking for opinions before I pull the trigger.

Hey OP, Thanks for writing this post! I'm in almost the exact same position as you and don't really know what to make of it!(Just 'seeing' as opposed to Going out with)
In my case, I believe that the girl I'm seeing is a bit of a closed book who doesn't let guys into her life easily and has only had a few secretive short term relationships because of it.
The whole standoffish thing in the morning(although over 5 months of knowing her shes only been back to mine about four times, I've never been to hers because she lives with a brother ans sister) occurs with mine as well, which is strange because I'm used to having great pillow talk and a laugh with girls I take home.
The only thing thats keeping me with her is that I can see her opening up a little bit more, ever so slightly every time, although it is taking her a painfully long. Very very hard to read though.
For me, it feels like a challenge, to see whats really inside, there's something about this one that tells me it will be very rewarding.

Although, if things don't start moving along Ill be getting shut of her, I think that there's Father issues there, It appears her Dad let when she was around 12. God knows the effects this can have on a girl of that age.

Anyone else have success with a lady after a start like this in a relationship??

Piliger

Hi OP: I think you are dating alright.

However, I suggest to you that unfortunately it looks like you are just two completely different kinds of personalities. It happens - and when it happens we have to smart enough to know that being so different in our needs and personality, it really has no future without one or both being very frustrated and unhappy.

Before giving up on it, if I were you I would sit down and have a good chat with her to see if there may be other reasons behind it. Explain what it is that is making you unhappy and frustrated and see if she grasps this and if she is capable of adjusting.

P. Breathnach

Piliger wrote: »

... Before giving up on it, if I were you I would sit down and have a good chat with her to see if there may be other reasons behind it. Explain what it is that is making you unhappy and frustrated and see if she grasps this and if she is capable of adjusting.

I agree with this, subject to a tweak: the adjustment might not need to be all on her side.

BraziliaNZ

I don't know, maybe you shouldn't say anything, it might make her feel like she's under pressure. Maybe just back off a little, leave the ball in her court for a while. Maybe she just doesn't text much, lots of people don't. You can't be chasing her all the time.

LegacyUser

The first post could have been written about me. So much so it's actually scary but has make me very aware that I could be dumped shortly.

Some people are more private and less tactile than others. I am a very private person. It takes a lot for me to let someone in - I think it stems from a past relationship where I got hurt badly and I've also had a few friends let me down badly over the years. It makes you a colder, more private person. Again the lack of hugs and kisses, again its about privacy, personal space etc.

In the mornings, Im anxious to get back to my own place too, get to work on time etc - never considered it would be perceived as standoffish but I can now see that it could be.

There is a chance that this girl is just using you for sex but there is a chance she could be like me. Either way you need to let her know how you are feeling before you break up with her.

Sorry to take such an introspective approach to answering you but your post has been such an eye-opener. I just assumed that the guy I'm seeing is ok with these things as he has never said otherwise. Hope things work about for you but I think you should let her know how you feel and see how she reacts to it before you make any decision - She may be completely unaware that this is a problem for you.

LegacyUser

I think you are dating with this lady but maybe she has trust issues. Maybe she has a few short term relationships that did not work out and this has left her wary of getting to close to you. At the moment you feel that unless you make the effort that you won't hear from her or see her. She is having sex with you but she is not affectionate at all and runs out the next morning to her place.
I would meet her and ask to your home for a meal. I would tell her that you like her but ask her why does she rush off in the morning when she stays over?
Ask her were does she see you both going? Have you met her family and friends yet?
If she is not under pressure she may open up to you and you may find out that some one treated her badly in the past or she may tell you that you are just a friend.
I saw a friend of mine being involved with a guy for months who like your girlfriend and she ended things as she did not see a long term future with him.
I have seen other couples who kept relationships going though college, jobs in different locations, living 1 to 2 hours from each other. They changed jobs and or moved house to give the relationships a chance as they knew in time they would get married.
As your both in your 30's you need to know where you stand. I know men and woman in there 30's and early 40's who want a proper relationship, get married/have children and you don't want to be wasting time with someone who does not want the same as you.

Emme

OP, I think she's playing it cool because she thinks that's what she has to do to keep you interested. Much of the "dating advice" :rolleyes: for women tells us to play it cool, don't let the guy know we like him, let him initiate contact, make arrangements, send texts, blah de blah be blah. It seems to have worked up to a point with you but naturally you're getting frustrated.

My advice is to be up front with her and tell her that you'd rather she'd be more pro-active if she is serious about having a relationship with you. If not cut your losses, there are more than enough women out there for you!

dannyc31

I think you are dating with this lady but maybe she has trust issues. Maybe she has a few short term relationships that did not work out and this has left her wary of getting to close to you. At the moment you feel that unless you make the effort that you won't hear from her or see her. She is having sex with you but she is not affectionate at all and runs out the next morning to her place.
I would meet her and ask to your home for a meal. I would tell her that you like her but ask her why does she rush off in the morning when she stays over?
Ask her were does she see you both going? Have you met her family and friends yet?
If she is not under pressure she may open up to you and you may find out that some one treated her badly in the past or she may tell you that you are just a friend.
I saw a friend of mine being involved with a guy for months who like your girlfriend and she ended things as she did not see a long term future with him.
I have seen other couples who kept relationships going though college, jobs in different locations, living 1 to 2 hours from each other. They changed jobs and or moved house to give the relationships a chance as they knew in time they would get married.
As your both in your 30's you need to know where you stand. I know men and woman in there 30's and early 40's who want a proper relationship, get married/have children and you don't want to be wasting time with someone who does not want the same as you.

i agree with this. also you have to remember you are both in your 30's so there is likely gonna be a serious amount of baggage picked up along the way from previous relationships if not for you but most likely for her. she probably got really hurt in the past and has trust issues. its actually the time after sex were the intimate bonding occurs i.e the cuddle, mainly due to the cuddle gene which is most prominent in women, oxytocin. she's getting out of there before this builds any sort of bond suggesting that she is afraid of letting herself potentially get closer to you and fall in love due to the fear of getting hurt.

anyway the only way to know for sure is to talk to her and ask her does she see you and her as boyfriend and girlfriend? is she totally comfortable in your company and if not why not? she may reveal more of her past then. otherwise if you can put up with it and give her time she may start to come out of her shell in another 3months. trust issues are very hard to get over and time is the only thing that can cure them not pressurizing the person so be patient and understanding with her if you want it to go anywhere.

alternatively she may just be happy with the casual fun but either way only communication will tell you for sure whats really going on with her.