Can you cheat while in love?

Missy Moo Moo

Hi,

Looking to get some opinions.

It seems that *most* people I know have cheated or are cheating on their partners. Some of these people I've talked to claim to be in love with their partners- the main reason cited seems to be the thrill.

Now maybe I'm looking at it too black and white but in my book if you are in love with someone, you couldn't stand the idea of actually cheating on them and hurting them. Maybe lifes just not like that though and I'm too idealistic. I understand people make mistakes and feel bad, this is more about people who cheat constantly and don't feel bad.

What does everyone else think?

Bambii_

I agree with you, if you love someone you wouldn't want to cheat on them or hurt them. The friends you have that cheat on their partners should really evaluate their relationship and their feelings towards their OH.

I understand that people make mistakes, and some people cheat, realise their love for their partner and that they made a mistake and never do it again, but if they continue to do it then their "love" for their partner is a joke.

Sonics2k

They may love them, but they sure as hell don't respect them.

28064212

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

It seems that *most* people I know have cheated or are cheating on their partners.

Get to know better people?

daenerysstormborn3

Can you cheat while in love? No.

baby and crumble

I don't know if it's as black and white as all that- I always thought that if you even had the desire to cheat, then you didn't love the person, but from my own experience, when you're in love and you love your partner, sometimes things aren't going right, and the thought can go through your mind. I haven't cheated, but the thought has crossed my mind at times, particularly when my gf and I were going through some really really horrible times. I think a one night stand cheating is more easily understood if you are in love with someone than a 2nd sustained relationship. But I certainly don't believe that you can want to cheat on your partner if you're in love and have a happy relationship. If someone is cheating, then something is wrong in their primary relationship. It's why I'm a big believer in speaking up if something is bothering you in your relationship. It can't be fixed if nobody knows about it. Cheating is often a quick and easy way to get back what you might feel is missing.

Missy Moo Moo

28064212 wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

It seems that *most* people I know have cheated or are cheating on their partners.

Get to know better people?

Should have clarified, some of these people are people I'd know socially and some are close friends! I've plenty of other friends who have never or wouldn't dream of it!

I don't get how people can do it. I know several men at work who are married and cheating on their wives. One of them was kissing another workmate at a recent office party, right there in the open. Another friend of mine from work, who most definitely adores his wife and spends almost all his time with her, got drunk at last year's party and ended up coming onto one of the interns - heavy flirting, knee touching, sexual innuendo. It would have probably gone further if she hadn't stopped it. I shared his taxi home and he was distraught about it and hasn't really gone out since, but I don't know how he even managed to get to that stage. It's depressing, tbh. I think a lot of people really do love their partners but can't resist the temptation.

Princess Peach

Ok, once again I'm discussing an article I read in Closer magazine. Please don't judge me :pac:

It was a "journalist" who signed herself up to a dating site specifically for married people who want affairs, or people who want to have affairs with married people. The vast majority of the married people were men, and the majority of people looking to get involved were women.

So the journalist went on 3 dates with 3 different men and what she found is that they all claim to really love their wives, they are their best friend and couldn't live their lives without them. The problem lay in their lack of sex lives, so they looked outside of the marriage to fulfill this need.

I can understand that scenario. I guess you can love someone but still want to cheat for the sexual thrill? And on a more emotional level, even though I haven't experienced it, I guess its possible to be in love with 2 people.

Not condoning cheating at all, but I think it is possible that they still love the person they are cheating on.

supernature

I've just fallen out of a relationship with someone who kept on telling me how much he loved me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I thought he was close to proposing to me. Only to find that he had a one night fling with a woman who he called his best friend.

So yep am red hot n raw. He didn't love me.

I've shown him the door.

Da Shins Kelly

I've heard the opinion that simply having sex with someone is not really cheating - sex is just sex. It becomes cheating if you start to let that person into other aspects of your life too - having dinner together, going shopping together, etc., that's the stuff you do with the person you love, and you don't let anyone else cross that line. It's just an opinion I heard from someone. A pretty unconventional position, but I don't agree with it. Maybe you can love someone and still cheat on them, but considering that most people seem to consider sex as something more than just a physical act, I think it's pretty insensitive and disrespectful to the feelings of the person you love to be intimate with someone else, regardless of what you personally believe.

Princess Peach

Princess Peach wrote: »

So the journalist went on 3 dates with 3 different men and what she found is that they all claim to really love their wives, they are their best friend and couldn't live their lives without them. The problem lay in their lack of sex lives, so they looked outside of the marriage to fulfill this need.
.

if their marriages were so great they'd be able to talk about it and either work on it or agree to something more open or whatever
it sounds like justification sob stories to me

Princess Peach

bluewolf wrote: »

if their marriages were so great they'd be able to talk about it and either work on it or agree to something more open or whatever
it sounds like justification sob stories to me

Oh for sure. But in answering the question of do they love their wives, I think maybe its possible they do. You can have a bad relationship with someone and still love them.

jessiejam

I doubt anyone goes out and has a fling with the intention of hurting their partner. Its a number of things, boredom, the thrill, not getting it at home or sometimes just to feel that they've still got it.

I do think you can love your partner and cheat on them, its the guilt you would feel afterwards would be the problem, especially if the injured party found out.

Saying that I wouldn't put up with it. Out the door without a second thought.

Recessionbust

Rather then spend time cheating they should spend that time remembering why they are with their partner in the first place and thinking how would they feel if tables were turned,

A relationship is a not a test so why cheat?

Wibbs

Yes I'd say it's possible alright. However I'd add the caveat that as there are different kinds of love, there are also different stages in romantic love itself. IME people almost never cheat when in the first flush honeymoon stage of love. Over time(between 2-4 years) that changes to the stable we're in it for the long haul type love, hopefully equally deep, but slightly different, less frenetic. If people are in that stage, they can sometimes miss the first stage, so may transfer that onto another. They get the heady rush of new love and have the stable long term love, but with different people.

Maybe it's just been my experience, but I've found more women tend to do this if they cheat*. For the men I've known who cheat it's more often for the novelty and their "score" as much as anything. Though it's not always about the sex. NOt by a long shot. With men in very longtermers who cheat I've noted what the person outside the primary relationship gives them is a kind of respect for want of a better word for them being men, that may be lacking in the primary relationship(if the guy's in the stereotypical browbeaten role).




*they also tend to do more overlapping type cheating IME. IE keep the first relationship going until they're more sure the new relationship has some legs.

Birdster

Wibbs wrote: »

Maybe it's just been my experience, but I've found more women tend to do this if they cheat*. For the men I've known who cheat it's more often for the novelty and their "score" as much as anything. Though it's not always about the sex. NOt by a long shot. With men in very longtermers who cheat I've noted what the person outside the primary relationship gives them is a kind of respect for want of a better word for them being men, that may be lacking in the primary relationship(if the guy's in the stereotypical browbeaten role).




*they also tend to do more overlapping type cheating IME. IE keep the first relationship going until they're more sure the new relationship has some legs.

100% agree with that, I know two women that have done in the past. Waited until the 'boyfriend' showed signs of being around for the longterm before ending the marriage and moving straight in with boyfriend.

Anyway I do think it's possible to cheat when inlove. Alcohol & Desire are a potent mix that would push anyone in the most devoted relationship over the edge.

eviltwin

I think its possible. Some people are very adept at separating sex and love. They can believe its possible to be a good partner to the person at home while having sex with other people. Of course it will be awful for their partner if they find out and I don't think there are any cheaters who are in denial of this but then they don't expect to get caught.

fatmammycat

I read a great line years ago that really resonated with me regarding love, it said love is not an emotion, it's an action. To love someone you need to actively show it. Cheating on a person is the oppostite of loving a person in my view.

Fizzlesque

I had a five year relationship with a man, years ago, and I cheated on him in the first year. I cheated with a man I'd been mad about for a long time before getting together with my boyfriend, and five years later when the relationship ended I spent some time with the man I'd cheated with again. I was besotted with him, to be honest. For a long time. Almost to the point of obsession.

I don't think I was in love with my boyfriend at that point - to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I've ever been in love, not even with the man I was obsessed with - but I felt dreadful afterwards and told my boyfriend what I'd done. We split up for a while but got back together and, although I hurt him terribly, he loved me and forgave me.

It was a complicated situation for me - my mother's death when I was an infant, an abusive childhood and the soul destroying decision to have my baby adopted had left me in a severely traumatised state, even though I didn't realise the extent of my emotional damage at the time - and I desperately needed love, almost as much as we need food and water to survive. I was in my early twenties at that time and had felt unloved and unwanted and worthless for close to 20 years at that stage - I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, but it wasn't a mean spirited or callous action, I was in severe emotional turmoil. When I look back at the person I was then, I want to scoop her up and hold her close and tell her she is lovable and that one day she'll learn to love herself, and realise lots of other people love her too.

Apart from one serious other relationship (one year long) I have remained single for the 15 years that have passed since I split up with the man I cheated on, because it has taken me that long to untangle the knot of agony I carried inside me for so long. I've had lots of flings and dalliances but nothing that even comes close to a loving and trusting relationship, even though, at times, I've desperately wished I could meet someone I could fall in love with who could fall in love with me too. Part of me was scared I was incapable of deep and meaningful love - remnants of that fear remain but they don't dominate my emotions/thoughts the way they used do - and a lot of me was scared I'd cheat again, if I didn't get my emotional house in order before attempting to have a relationship.

Apologies for this very long, very personal post but I can really only comment on my own experiences and life story in relation to cheating. For me it wasn't that I didn't give a damn about my boyfriend, I cared deeply for him but there was so much wrong with me and with my life at that time; I desperately needed my mother to hug me close and dry the tears that, at one point, I thought would never stop falling. It's 40 years since my mother died (I'm now 43) and I still crave her love, but I know I'll never get it.

I don't know if there's a man out there who will one day love me enough to teach me how to love him back - because it's something I will need to learn - but I do know if such a creature does exist, I'll never cheat on him. Not only do I never again want to hurt anyone the way I hurt my ex boyfriend, but I know if I'm lucky enough to one day fall in love, I'll make it my business to remain faithful for however long, or short, a time we're together. I don't believe the adage 'once a cheater, always a cheater', at least not for me. It was a symptom of something very deep and painful, not a blasé act of disrespect and disregard for the man who loved me.

Ellsbells

I think you can cheat on someone you love but the reality is that you just dont love them enough... You certainly dont love them more than you love yourself as ultimately cheating is an act of power and self indulgence. You are choosing your own wants over the other persons feelings... So you can love them and maybe be in love but just not enough.

GunRunner

No, in my opinion you can't cheat on somebody you love. To me cheating is the ultimate betrayal. Even in you felt the temptation to cheat, if you really loved your partner you 'd be able to resist it.

I don't think I've ever actually loved anyone, but even then I've never had the desire to cheat while in a relationship. I think it is totally wrong, and know it'd ruin me if someone cheated on me.

I really think that cheating is the worst possible thing you can do to your partner, there are no excuses for it. It can really do a lot of damage to a person. I know that I could never forgive someone if they did it to me.

Millicent

I have. I was in a relationship with a guy who I loved so much but we were in the unhealthiest relationship in the world. We were both too emotionally stunted to be in a real relationship, both unwilling or unable to talk about things and both favoured keeping our cards close to our chests as we didn't really trust anyone. Bad combination.

Add a bit (a lot) of drink, someone who seemed open to demonstrably appreciating me for my personality, conversation and who found me attractive, and a low point in my life, and I cheated.

I'm not excusing it in any way but I did truly love the guy I was in the relationship with whether you might believe that or not. Low self esteem, general unhappiness and a major doubt about whether he loved me in the same way all told my drunken self that cheating was a good idea. Funnily enough, it didn't seem like all that great an idea when the hangover came the next morning.

That said, it was a one-off. I don't think I could have coped with continuing to cheat. My conscience would have eaten me.

Holsten

In my view, no you can't. I know I couldn't anyway.

If I'm in love with a girl I'd only have eyes for her, no matter if some girl was throwing themselves at me I would never do it, it just wouldn't come into my head.

Whatsernamex33

I genuinely don't think so, if you truly do love the person.
I remember I honestly never felt so in love with anyone else but a boyfriend at the time, I only had eyes for him, like I adored him. Just the thoughts of going out there and cheating just the once, and even a mistake tore me up inside because I never wanted to hurt him. I couldn't keep secrets or lies though...

I don't know, I guess it depends on the relationship and stuff as everybody has a different opinion, but I strongly believe that if you love someone truly, noone else is ever gonna matter to you or come before that person.

Sala

Sonics2k wrote: »

They may love them, but they sure as hell don't respect them.

I would say that respect is a fundamental part of love, so therefore you can't love someone who you don't respect.
I don't agree that some people who love someone can cheat - in my opinion they must have a very different concept of "love" to me that I personally wouldn't classify as love. If you are able to and want to sleep with someone else, will risk hurting your partner, risk passing on STIs, humiliating your partner if you do it in front of other people who know him/her, and are willing to lie and cover up your actions, you don't fit into my concept of love.

newport2

Depends what you mean by "cheat". IMO a once off mistake is totally different to an ongoing affair, systematically covered up with lies and excuses.

I can understand how someone would make a once off mistake. But if you really love someone, I don't understand how you could live with them and pretend everything is great, while at the same time continuously lying to them about things while having an affair behind their back for months/years on end.

Toast4532

If you truly love your partner and you are happy with them, I cannot understand wanting or needing to cheat. But then again, I don't understand cheating.

Why go behind their back and cause humiliation, hurt and upset for them? Why not do the decent thing and your relationship. It wouldn't be nice for them (or you), but it is better than going behind their back.

There is no excuse for cheating, only you are responsible for your actions.

flowerchild

Toast4532 wrote: »

If you truly love your partner and you are happy with them, I cannot understand wanting or needing to cheat. But then again, I don't understand cheating.

Why go behind their back and cause humiliation, hurt and upset for them? Why not do the decent thing and your relationship. It wouldn't be nice for them (or you), but it is better than going behind their back.

There is no excuse for cheating, only you are responsible for your actions.

True but I think the interesting thing to talk about is what to do when there is an impulse to cheat or a pattern of cheating. It can only happen if we have a story in our head that what or who we have now is not enough - they are boring or withholding or we have changed and I'm staying for the kids or because you don't want to lose half your assets.

I suggest the solution is to step up and raise standards, focus on meeting their true needs for 30 days, completely and without reservation. If the relationship is not transformed at the end of that time then either invest your complete all for another 30 days or walk away without guilt.

So my answer is don't cheat but also don't hide from your impulse to cheat. Act on it and change.

Emme

Ellsbells wrote: »

I think you can cheat on someone you love but the reality is that you just dont love them enough... You certainly dont love them more than you love yourself as ultimately cheating is an act of power and self indulgence. You are choosing your own wants over the other persons feelings... So you can love them and maybe be in love but just not enough.

I agree with that. You often get people in long-term relationships and marriages who behave like that.

I also think that some people find it harder to resist temptation than others, particularly when drunk. That's no excuse but some people get more temptation put their way than others. Most men in Dublin will be in this situation if they're out without their partners. Some will resist but from my observation they are a minority. Others will go along with it for the night and think nothing of it. It's manky behaviour but unfortunately it happens.

I have never cheated when in love but have been cheated on by men who professed to be in love with me.

Silene

fatmammycat wrote:

To love someone you need to actively show it. Cheating on a person is the oppostite of loving a person in my view.

I agree with this.  I don't see how it's possible to love and cheat at the same time.

gara

xynn wrote: »

I don't see how it's possible to love and cheat at the same time.

Because you can love somebody and they can love you without having all of the other ingredients like trust, loyalty,friendship and respect that are necessary to make a relationship work. That's why relationships are such complex things, because they require so many things, besides love in order to be successful

Silene

gara wrote:

Because you can love somebody and they can love you without having all of the other ingredients like trust, loyalty,friendship and respect that are necessary to make a relationship work. That's why relationships are such complex things, because they require so many things, besides love in order to be successful

 I don't agree.  Things can't be separated out that easily IMO.  As someone else said earlier, love depends on these things - trust, respect etc.  

Fizzlesque

I read an article this evening, in Grazia magazine, about cheating. Annoyingly, the front of the magazine has a headline "why it's worse when she cheats" to advertise this article but at no point during the article does it explain why the writer feels this. There's only one small mention of it, the line " because believe me, it's so much worse when a woman cheats on a man", but the basis seems to be because it emasculates the man.

This is a bit of a nothing post, because the article didn't actually do what it said it was going to do and explain why the author feels it's worse when the man is the one cheated on, but it got me wondering if anyone here had any thoughts on this matter or had ever heard such a (half) sentiment being expressed.

Is it possible for it to be worse for a man to be cheated on than for a woman?

Personally, I don't see how it's possible for such a claim to be made but this man did, even if he neglected to explain why he thought this was the case, beyond his ego being bruised because it made him wonder if he was bad in bed and humiliated because he felt other people would conclude the fact his girlfriend slept with another man meant he was bad in bed.

How much of the hurt of being cheated on is to do with the ego, and how much is to do with trust being broken? Does this differ with the genders, do you think?

beks101

Fizzlesque, your earlier post is very honest about the true nature of relationships - and how your relationship with yourself can often be the driving force when you're attempting a relationship with someone else.

If you'd asked me this question even a year ago, I would've said no, it is categorically not physically or emotionally possible to cheat on someone you love. It's selfish, indulgent and disgusting. Weak. Pathetic. I was very black and white about it and have always been zero tolerance when it comes to cheating. If he cheats, I'm gone, it's the end, chapter closed, he's dead to me, move on with my life.

It's only since I've actually gotten into my first serious relationship that I realize the true complexities that it can present. The range of emotions and list of compromises and challenge to let someone be a part of my life and attend to their emotional needs as well as my own, has exposed me to sides of myself I'd never really dealt with before. Mostly in a good way. I've grown a hell of a lot. But also in a way that I realize there are things from my past that still haunt me, and I still seek validation in unhealthy ways, and those things can't be fixed by one (amazing, beautiful, loving) person, and as happy as he makes me...it's really not his job, it's something that really has to come from within.

As I sit here right now I can say that I could and would never cheat. It would hurt me as much as it would hurt him and it would mess my head up endlessly. But, for the first time in my life, I can understand the inner turmoil that could land someone there. The relentless search for validation, for comfort, for a love and fulfillment that you never knew because of a difficult past, or a love that you never gave yourself because you're so consumed in self hatred. For insecurities that you can't let go of, or low self esteem that can't be picked up.

I can see how, given the right (or maybe wrong) set of conditions, somebody could act out against their own good, against their love for their partner, and betray the person they love most.

It doesn't account for everyone though. Some people in life are just assholes.

IrishAm

Of course you can. We are human beings and as a species we are very, very flawed. All it takes is the temptation, the opportunity and then a moment of weakness.

Sea Filly

beks101 wrote: »

Fizzlesque, your earlier post is very honest about the true nature of relationships - and how your relationship with yourself can often be the driving force when you're attempting a relationship with someone else.

If you'd asked me this question even a year ago, I would've said no, it is categorically not physically or emotionally possible to cheat on someone you love. It's selfish, indulgent and disgusting. Weak. Pathetic. I was very black and white about it and have always been zero tolerance when it comes to cheating. If he cheats, I'm gone, it's the end, chapter closed, he's dead to me, move on with my life.

It's only since I've actually gotten into my first serious relationship that I realize the true complexities that it can present. The range of emotions and list of compromises and challenge to let someone be a part of my life and attend to their emotional needs as well as my own, has exposed me to sides of myself I'd never really dealt with before. Mostly in a good way. I've grown a hell of a lot. But also in a way that I realize there are things from my past that still haunt me, and I still seek validation in unhealthy ways, and those things can't be fixed by one (amazing, beautiful, loving) person, and as happy as he makes me...it's really not his job, it's something that really has to come from within.

As I sit here right now I can say that I could and would never cheat. It would hurt me as much as it would hurt him and it would mess my head up endlessly. But, for the first time in my life, I can understand the inner turmoil that could land someone there. The relentless search for validation, for comfort, for a love and fulfillment that you never knew because of a difficult past, or a love that you never gave yourself because you're so consumed in self hatred. For insecurities that you can't let go of, or low self esteem that can't be picked up.

I can see how, given the right (or maybe wrong) set of conditions, somebody could act out against their own good, against their love for their partner, and betray the person they love most.

It doesn't account for everyone though. Some people in life are just assholes.

This is all so true.

A relationship should be something you want, not something you need. I've just realised this in the last year since I got in the healthiest, less angsty relationship of my life.

Fizzlesque

beks101 wrote: »

Fizzlesque, your earlier post is very honest about the true nature of relationships - and how your relationship with yourself can often be the driving force when you're attempting a relationship with someone else.

It's only since I've actually gotten into my first serious relationship that I realize the true complexities that it can present. The range of emotions and list of compromises and challenge to let someone be a part of my life and attend to their emotional needs as well as my own, has exposed me to sides of myself I'd never really dealt with before.

I can see how, given the right (or maybe wrong) set of conditions, somebody could act out against their own good, against their love for their partner, and betray the person they love most.

It doesn't account for everyone though. Some people in life are just assholes.

Thank you, Beks. I completely agree that one's relationship with themselves is of huge importance when it comes to having a relationship with someone else. We grow up being programmed to assume when we're an adult we'll become part of a couple - with no further consideration given to understanding what that means or involves. I've lost count of the amount of times someone I've been enjoying a casual fling with has said to me "how come you're single, I don't understand it, you're lovely and you're gorgeous, how come no man has snapped you up" as if it's really as simple as that: sweet nature, pretty face = be someone's girlfriend.

Similarly, I've had friends/acquaintances who have never spent any time (or any significant time) being single, always finding a new partner soon after splitting up with the old one. I'd find that stifling to the point of mental exhaustion, but part of that could be because I've spent years on my own.

I remember clearly how frozen with indecision I was when my relationship with my ex was showing signs of being over - even though, by that time, it had run its course and we were beginning to drift further into our own worlds, I couldn't envisage a life without him, or, more accurately, a life on my own. I never want to squeeze myself into a corner like that again. I remember some advice my father gave me years ago, he said "create a life of your own, that you're happy and at peace with before getting involved in a relationship, that way, if the relationship ends or falls apart, you're not left with absolutely nothing, you have a life, hobbies, habits etc to return to".

I know I've posted a few times (on different boards) here on Boards, about my difficult start in life, and my daughter's adoption, how it nearly destroyed me, but, today I'm delighted to be able to say I did eventualy make it out of the dark place I was in for so long. About three years ago the light at the end of the tunnel finally came into sight, thanks to a combination of things; my own determination for starters and the fact I'm the kind of person who likes to delve into emotions, no matter how painful and finally finding the right counsellor/therapist as well as a decent smattering of reaching the end of my tether and being totally fed up with feeling melancholy while putting on a brave face to the rest of the world.

I'm now in the right place to consider a relationship, I'm ready, at last.

And, as luck would have it, I have an internet date tonight with a very handsome South American man who is far too young for a seasoned old gal like me, but it's just a bit of fun....keeping my dating muscles toned for when the right man for me is ready to show up. Life is good for me, at last.

Kimia

Fizzlesque, I love your posts.

I think the problem lies with the question 'Can you cheat while in love'. In my experience, cheating has very little to do with the other partner, and all to do with how you're feeling about yourself.

So yes, of course you can cheat while you're in love with someone. It's when you don't feel very loving towards yourself that you're in danger of cheating, I think. You're more vulnerable and likely to make bad decisions, like risking your relationship for a quick ego boost.

mfceiling

In fairness to the OP i've met people before who had or were cheating on their partner.

Me? Never....why bother? If you didn't want to get married or feel tied down then a relationship wasn't for you.

I'm happy to be married with kids. Couldn't contemplate cheating.....couldn't be arsed....too much respect for my wife and kids to be going on like a 14 year old again.

Fizzlesque

Kimia wrote: »

Fizzlesque, I love your posts.

Ah, thanks, Kimia. I worry sometimes my posts are a bit too lengthy (and too personal) so I really appreciate you telling me you enjoy them. I've a grin this size on my face after reading your positive words.