Standards too high with women?

LegacyUser

Just wondering does anyone else have this problem, basically most of my life Ive been single and yet I am simply not over keen when I hear a woman is into me or whatever. Obviously not all women, but most ones that seem into me I have little interest in.

Ive no interest in putting men/women into different "divisions" etc, but sometimes I cant help but think Im attempting to punch above my own weight.

Its not like im waiting around for some super model, honestly, im not, ive seen cute women around who others would barely notice, but its just I seem to find myself resisting any of the advances I do get from women, because Im just not into them, be it looks or personality.

Im worried that I created some BS notion in my head of the most ideal woman possible, and as a result, alot dont seem appealing.

Im very happy, confident, and comfortable in my own skin, and Ive no urge to "not be single", and I CERTAINLY dont have an urge to go out with someone for the sake of it, but lets call a spade a spade here, its nice not as nice being single, especially if its long term,its nice to have someone close to chat to, be intimate with etc, and yet I seem to reject the opportunities that do come up.

kjl

No, I don't think you are alone.

I know personally I have very over the top standards. If fact so bad that I don't know what I am looking for. I always find a problem any girl I meet, but actually as I am getting a bit older I realise I'm the one with the problem. I reject smart girls because they are not pretty, pretty girls because they are not smart and smart and pretty girls because they annoy me.

I find now I am always making excuses as to why I am not dating, even to myself. Keep saying Ill wait to meet someone, but in the end I might end up waiting too long.

I think the real reason I am like this, and maybe you too, is because I am scared of getting hurt. I have had a few heartbreaks in the past and now I don't want to go through all that again unless it's going to be the right person. What you and I need to accept is that there is no perfect person, everyone has their flaws but if you look past them everyone has their positive sides too.

kjl

kjl wrote: »

No, I don't think you are alone.

I know personally I have very over the top standards. If fact so bad that I don't know what I am looking for. I always find a problem any girl I meet, but actually as I am getting a bit older I realise I'm the one with the problem. I reject smart girls because they are not pretty, pretty girls because they are not smart and smart and pretty girls because they annoy me.

I find now I am always making excuses as to why I am not dating, even to myself. Keep saying Ill wait to meet someone, but in the end I might end up waiting too long.

I think the real reason I am like this, and maybe you too, is because I am scared of getting hurt. I have had a few heartbreaks in the past and now I don't want to go through all that again unless it's going to be the right person. What you and I need to accept is that there is no perfect person, everyone has their flaws but if you look past them everyone has their positive sides too.

I could have written the post above verbatim, I am very very rarely attracted to women who find me attractive. I am getting a bit sick of it too if I'm to be honest, but I can't get together with someone I find unattractive mentally or physically. I'd also be happier being on my own than being with someone I didn't like.

I got hurt badly when I was younger and that more than likely has a lot to do with it. I'm just not willing to take the risk on someone I'm not attracted to in the first place.

Mighty_Mouse

There's no point in forcing yourself to be with someone you just don't fancy.

That said...........

You need to open yourself up to clicking with somebody.
What are the traits you look for in a future GF?

jack89

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

There's no point in forcing yourself to be with someone you just don't fancy.

That said...........

But, you need to open yourself up to clicking with somebody.

Typicaly picky guys (who are clearly trying to pull above themselves) do so from a lack of self-confidence.
The fear what people will think.
They want the hottie for some weird type of validation that they are not the ugly feckers they clearly are.

This personality trait is extremely unattractive and counter-intuitive. Girls smell it and run!

What are the traits you look for in a future GF.
If there are solely physical, then you lack a fundamental understand of what its all about.

I really like your first two points here but didnt the op say he wasnt to attracted to hot girls that lacked other qualities?

Hardly trying to punch above his weight.This isnt about validation, its about meeting someone who ticks every box for us.

I have the same issue op and although i may be being picky im not going to string some poor girl im not really attracted to into a relationship.

If i wanted "validation" i could take a different woman home every week and id get plenty of it from my mates.

P. Breathnach

This sort of discussion enervates me. I don't like notions like "my (high) standards", "out of my league", "punching above my weight", "ticking all the boxes".

Guys, if you form a relationship, it is with a person. One person, not a category. She should not have to be processed through a selection test as a prerequisite for being considered a candidate for your attention. She is a person, not a set of golf clubs or a car. Oh, and she has a say in things, too.

Chances are that when you establish a relationship it will be with somebody who did not, when first you met her, tick all the boxes. Because the chances are when you visualised your perfect partner and you made out your list of boxes to tick, you were wrong.

Now, just go out and meet people. Keep an open mind, and do not be too hasty to dismiss any possibilities.

seefin

Do you think in similar way about yourself ie finding fault over little things, being negative in general? Am curious as I am trying to work on accepting myself in the hope it will help me to accept faults in others-I recently realised after years of being over picky and critical that I'm treating others the way I treat myself.

dellas1979

P. Breathnach wrote: »

This sort of discussion enervates me. I don't like notions like "my (high) standards", "out of my league", "punching above my weight", "ticking all the boxes".

Guys, if you form a relationship, it is with a person. One person, not a category. She should not have to be processed through a selection test as a prerequisite for being considered a candidate for your attention. She is a person, not a set of golf clubs or a car. Oh, and she has a say in things, too.

Chances are that when you establish a relationship it will be with somebody who did not, when first you met her, tick all the boxes. Because the chances are when you visualised your perfect partner and you made out your list of boxes to tick, you were wrong.

Now, just go out and meet people. Keep an open mind, and do not be too hasty to dismiss any possibilities.

Well said :-)

I think the above comes with age and experience.

LegacyUser

Hi all , OP here,

Thanks for your responses so far, kjl and jack89 I think you hit the nail on the head, thanks.
Also kjl and papa dolla Ive also had a huge heartbreak when I was young, and I definitely dealt with it alot worse than the average late teen should deal with it. So maybe thats relevant, the thing is though, it really doesnt feel like thats the reason (even if it is).

Its like not I imagine myself getting hurt when an opportunity, im just usually genuinely not that into them.

@seefin: thanks , thats eye opening, I used to be like that about myself, but Im very free from that now thankfully and am a very happy self confident individual.

Mighty Mouse: This isnt really about self confidence or looking for validation, honestly, I just dont "feel" it when I meet someone thats interested in me. Not saying there isnt underlying fear or something Im unaware of, but on the surface it just doesnt feel like im into them.
You're right, I AM cronically picky, but not in a way you'd imagine, im cronically picky in that I really want to feel that attraction. But Im aware that that is what closing me off.

P Breathnach, I think you may have picked up the wrong impression from my post, I should probably clarify before others reply in the same way. I know I said "punching above my weight", I probably shouldnt have, but I was just trying to be honest in what thoughts arise sometimes.

Truth is, I dont care if they meet or dont meet a certain criteria if I really like them, I dont care if my mates dont think she is nice, I dont care what anyone , including my family would think, I dont have a list of rules and boxes to be ticked.

Theres either an attraction there or not, and unfortunately I rarely rarely feel it when a particular girl is interested in me.

Its possibly out of fear or something, but Im not sure what fear. It even happened recently, I kissed my mates girlfriends friend. Naturally my mate and his GF thought this was great and were encouraging me on. So whenever she was over at the house we'd talk and chat casually, yet it just never clicked, she aint ugly, theres nothing weird about her, she seems to have cool interests, just when its the two of us on our own, we dont have that spark. At least I dont feel it anyway, she probably doesnt either.

Its not about looks , its just about me wanting to feel that spark, and its possible Im chasing something that only exists in your teens if you follow.


Thanks again

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Typicaly cronically picky guys are so inclined due to a lack of self-confidence.
This personality trait is extremely unattractive and counter-intuitive. Girls smell it and run!

Similar to the OP, I have that "problem", but you just summed me up in the above statement. I don't think it's worth being with someone just for the sake of it, like the OP, it's better to hold out and wait. The way I look at it is why sacrifice all your spare time with someone you are only half into.

But, if there are self confidence issues, what happens when you do meet someone who possibly ticks all your boxes? (I think this happened to me lately). Then the self confidence issue kicks in and the "I'm not good enough for her" thing kicks in, and it's a cycle of self destruction.

But it's good to hold out OP, you know what you don't want, it's just trying to get what you do want!!

irishbarb

Perfect example of how the media has created unrealistic expectations of women for men, in my opinion.

LegacyUser

irishbarb wrote: »

Perfect example of how the media has created unrealistic expectations of women for men, in my opinion.

Nothing got to do with the OPs post imo. Why "settle" for less....

LegacyUser

irishbarb wrote: »

Perfect example of how the media has created unrealistic expectations of women for men, in my opinion.

OP here again, sorry but this is nonsense, and I fear this thread is generating a fundamental misunderstanding in what I mean by "high standards", as a matter of fact I am even less attracted to women who cake themselves up in make up, look skinny and clearly display a level of insecurity and lack of self confidence that is only reflected in a desperation to look good over anything else.


I just feel urged to reply before loads of other similar replies start flooding in.

What Im looking for is that buzz of an attraction that most other people seem to be able to get with much more ease than I can. It has nothing to do with certain qualities that must be fulfilled.
Perhaps Ive been influenced by too many BS romantic movies of some perfect attraction. Thats my issue really, that Im setting my own standards far too high for how I feel.

I have a friend who seems to get really hung up about any woman he meets, its like hes on the opposite scale of me. I neither look up to him or down on him, but I do envy him a little, as he feels that attraction so easily and I dont.

Mighty_Mouse

Truth is, I dont care if they meet or dont meet a certain criteria if I really like them, I dont care if my mates dont think she is nice, I dont care what anyone , including my family would think, I dont have a list of rules and boxes to be ticked.

Fair enough OP.
So getting away from the "trophy wife" idea.

First things first. That "click" does exist and IMO it's not confined to teenage crushes. I've ended many relationships for lack of click.
It seeems to me that you are ending up with girls who fancy you and not the other way around. It's a pretty poor system for finding someone you like. Do you chase girls you fancy?

dellas1979

OP I just dont think you are giving some of these women a chance.

Sometimes the spark comes when you get to know a person. Without doubt, if you are still not feeling it after say a few weeks of really trying to get to know someone, at least you tried.

Its almost like you want it instantaneously and you are putting pressure on yourself to feel it - ok - it happens for some, maybe they are in a different position to you/different outlook, but more often than not, it happens when you get to know somebody.

jack89

dellas1979 wrote: »

OP I just dont think you are giving some of these women a chance.

Sometimes the spark comes when you get to know a person. Without doubt, if you are still not feeling it after say a few weeks of really trying to get to know someone, at least you tried.

Its almost like you want it instantaneously and you are putting pressure on yourself to feel it - ok - it happens for some, maybe they are in a different position to you/different outlook, but more often than not, it happens when you get to know somebody.

I think that makes alot of sense although i havent followed that advice up until now. Had a similar experience to the op and told myself id never meet anyone like her. Ridiculous but that was the state of mind i was in.

And mighty mouse i think thats a fair question because there are a few girls id really like but i just dont go after them.

How bout you op? There must be someone you fancy?

kjl

nowomansocry wrote: »

Hi all , OP here,

Thanks for your responses so far, kjl and jack89 I think you hit the nail on the head, thanks.
Also kjl and papa dolla Ive also had a huge heartbreak when I was young, and I definitely dealt with it alot worse than the average late teen should deal with it. So maybe thats relevant, the thing is though, it really doesnt feel like thats the reason (even if it is).

Its like not I imagine myself getting hurt when an opportunity, im just usually genuinely not that into them.

@seefin: thanks , thats eye opening, I used to be like that about myself, but Im very free from that now thankfully and am a very happy self confident individual.

Mighty Mouse: This isnt really about self confidence or looking for validation, honestly, I just dont "feel" it when I meet someone thats interested in me. Not saying there isnt underlying fear or something Im unaware of, but on the surface it just doesnt feel like im into them.
You're right, I AM cronically picky, but not in a way you'd imagine, im cronically picky in that I really want to feel that attraction. But Im aware that that is what closing me off.

P Breathnach, I think you may have picked up the wrong impression from my post, I should probably clarify before others reply in the same way. I know I said "punching above my weight", I probably shouldnt have, but I was just trying to be honest in what thoughts arise sometimes.

Truth is, I dont care if they meet or dont meet a certain criteria if I really like them, I dont care if my mates dont think she is nice, I dont care what anyone , including my family would think, I dont have a list of rules and boxes to be ticked.

Theres either an attraction there or not, and unfortunately I rarely rarely feel it when a particular girl is interested in me.

Its possibly out of fear or something, but Im not sure what fear. It even happened recently, I kissed my mates girlfriends friend. Naturally my mate and his GF thought this was great and were encouraging me on. So whenever she was over at the house we'd talk and chat casually, yet it just never clicked, she aint ugly, theres nothing weird about her, she seems to have cool interests, just when its the two of us on our own, we dont have that spark. At least I dont feel it anyway, she probably doesnt either.

Its not about looks , its just about me wanting to feel that spark, and its possible Im chasing something that only exists in your teens if you follow.


Thanks again

I know for me I don't even think about the hurt element, but I do say to myself why should I bother investing emotionally into someone I don't like.

I don't have a problem meeting women, in fact quite the opposite, I meet nice girls all the time, but I never give them a chance. I always find some minor thing to dismiss them.

I also want to point out this is not just about looks although that is normally the first barrier, but I gone on a load of date with women who I find very attractive. This is when the intelligent barrier comes into play. I get bored of the conversation I have with them and they just begin annoy me. There is one particular girl who is perfect for me, we have known each other for almost 20 years, she's really nice, very good looking and she really likes me but every time I am with her I get so bored. She starts going on about crap and takes about 2 hours to tell a story I could tell in 2 min.

I really hope the OP finds an answer here because I really need it too.

miec

Hi Op

I have a friend who seems to get really hung up about any woman he meets, its like hes on the opposite scale of me. I neither look up to him or down on him, but I do envy him a little, as he feels that attraction so easily and I dont.

This comment really resonated with me. When I read your first posting something said to me that you may be rejecting the idea of love altogether because of an unconscious fear of love and I am guessing you're quote above feeds into that.

Your friend as you said is the opposite of you, in actual fact he may be too dependent / clingy in love and you may be too remote. I used to be very clingy and needy with men and finally when I understand that aspect when I was with my ex-fiancee I stopped the behaviour, we subsequently broke up. Since breaking up with him I cannot connect with anyone, I feel I have gone too far the other way, distant and remote because a part of me is terrified that I will go clingy with someone if I get involved so I don't bother and it comes out in a sort of 'meh, they are nice but they don't wow me' feeling, mind you I don't get that many offers and I am not really trying very hard, it is just the few times where something may happen I got the meh feeling. I have become really aware of how closed off I have become. Whilst I agree that there should be a spark I am not sure if it can be immediate. I have decided to work on my fears and consider what qualities are important to me in a potential partner instead of the elusive 'spark / one' because the two men that I did feel that spark with I just lost all reason and sanity and they ended up causing me huge anguish + me being super needy. Interestingly enough I have learned that being either very remote or super needy are manifestations of the same thing - they are tactics of keeping people away and not allowing anyone to get close. I mean who enjoys being close to someone super needy and you can't get close to a remote person.

LegacyUser

OP here,Thanks for the responses,

Mighty Mouse, its a fair question , and its true that I dont always pursue the people I mildly fancy, that said, I was never great at approaching women from nowhere, most women Ive been with have been as a result of indirectly getting introduced to them. And unfortunately thats happening less and less.

As for the other responses, there seems to be a running theme which may be true for myself too, the people who've responded with a similar problem all seem to have had a fairly big heartbreak, or some sort of ex situation that left them a bit cold.

My first relationship left me in bits after it, i really handled it badly considering I was only young and it shouldnt have been too serious. It didnt help that we remained mutual friends afterwards.
A second very short one was with someone I was absolutely head over heels about as well.

My third relationship was hurtful too, but also I started to become real insecure at the time too.

So its interesting to see that I went from one extreme to the other.

Im sure all this eventually manifested itself into me simply losing the passion, and now years later that has manifested itself into complete indifference and complacency.

So its very possible my fear of investing in someone emotionally has adapted into complete avoidance and I just dont even recognise the fear any more because of that. And all I feel now is "meh, im not really into them"

I know very personally that I cant be that shallow, so it cant be a case of "none of them are good looking enough for me".

I think Im reasonably good at tackling my own beliefs, once I find out what they are, so before starting this thread I just didnt know what the belief was, but i think I know now.

I also agree with miec, that being really clingy is essentially the other side of the same coin.

Thanks for the help.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,


It's simple.....what you are missing is 'chemistry'. I am female and I have the same issues as you. Its not that I have a 'check list' or whatever when it comes to guys. It just comes down to chemistry!!! Its either there or it is not. I will know within 10-15 minutes of talking to a guy if we 'click' or not. It has nothing to do with looks etc. In fact the last guy I had 'chemisty' with was not a conventional beauty but...boy he was the Bees-Knees to me,lol. And to be honest, once you have that connection with someone it is very hard, no, imposable to just be with someone and wait for love to grow, sigh.


I have known amazing guys that were well into me. However, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't be in a relationship with them. There always seemed to be something missing....Chemistry!!!!


All the best.

Reesy

opagain wrote: »

OP here...

Mighty Mouse, its a fair question , and its true that I dont always pursue the people I mildly fancy, that said, I was never great at approaching women from nowhere, most women Ive been with have been as a result of indirectly getting introduced to them. And unfortunately thats happening less and less.

Hi OP,

You know the G. B. Shaw quote "An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable"? Well, I don't know you but for some of my friends, I think one might categorise them as "An Irishman who thinks himself choosy when he is only a bit scared".

Does that resonate?

LegacyUser

Reesy wrote: »

Hi OP,

You know the G. B. Shaw quote "An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable"? Well, I don't know you but for some of my friends, I think one might categorise them as "An Irishman who thinks himself choosy when he is only a bit scared".

Does that resonate?

It certainly does, thats what my last post above is about !! Its just a matter of learning to dismantle the nonsense in my head thats causing the fear, because when it stops even feeling like fear it becomes hard to spot
Cheers