Limericks

Bootup

There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!




There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as sh*t
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.




There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."



There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose thing was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd F*ck it!"



A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.

donegal_man

There once was a rector from King’s
Whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his heart was on fire
For this boy in the choir
Whose arse was like jelly on springs

There was an old lady of Ypres
Who got shot in the ass by some snipers,
And when she blew air
Through the holes that were there,
She astonished the Cameron Pipers

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, “Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?”

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless I’m quite wrong
You expected this line to be rude.

Bootup

A newlywed couple from Goshen
spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
they screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such ****ing devotion!











There once was a couple named Kelly

Who walked around belly-to-belly.

It seems in their haste,

They used Carter's paste

Instead of petroleum jelly.









The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.

Bootup

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.




There once was a chic named Nicole
Who loved to ingest a stiff pole
It was always well known
That she'd stuff steel, wood, or bone
Or maybe a tuba in that hole.




There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
You’re not wiping as good as you used to!

gammygils

There once was a man from Bengal
Who had a hexagonal ball
The size of it's mate
Plus his penis plus 8
Was pi times the root of f*ck all



There once was a bloke from Brighton
Who said to his bird ''You're a tight 'un''
She said ''Bless my soul!''
''but you're in the wrong hole''
''There's plenty of room in the right 'un!!''

Bootup

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her.
So over her caper
She laid some sandpaper
Now they goose her much less than they used ter.








A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.

dxhound2005

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Tickling the tits of his madam
He chuckled with mirth
For he knew on the earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em.

Bootup

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."




I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

Bootup

The was an old woman from Kent
Who went to a football event
She sat near the goal
And opened her hole
One guess as to where the ball went?



There once was a girl named McGill
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil






There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."

Bootup

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.



There once was a fellow named Ben,
Who was aroused by the sheep in the pen,
Though he knew it's forbidden,
He was quite parasite ridden,
From trying it every now and then.







There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.

gammygils

There was a young woman from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
After an hour
Her tits were in flower
And her fanny was covered in weeds.


There once was a woman from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

Bootup

A young escape artist by the name of Sweeny.
His girl was a bit of a meany.
At the hatch of her snach.
She had a catch that would latch.
And she could only be F**ked by Houdini.





From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!"
Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."

Bootup

When I was a boy of just ten,
I picked up some paper and pen,
And I drew you know what,
'Twas a girl with no twat,
'Cause I still hadn't seen one back then.




There was a young butcher named Seaver,
Whose gal craved a clean shaven beaver.
He would soap up her crotch,
With a mirror she'd watch,
As he shaved her blond pube with his cleaver.

Bootup

A cannibal's not very tall,
But he'll eat a man's hair, bones and all.
As the chief ate his stew,
Said, "Don't know about you,
But for me... I'm just having a ball."





Two cannibals sat down to dine
When one to the other did whine,
"My mother-in'law
Is tasteless and blah."
The other said, "Try some of mine."





Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.





Of the alphabet, you see,
I've learned quite a lot.
She'll hum like a bee
And hit a high C
When my organ locates her G-Spot.

gammygils

There once was a copper from Kilmunchin

Whose todger was chopped off in a dungeon

He spent the rest of his life

Pleasuring his wife

With snot on the end of his truncheon.

Bootup

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
While thinking of venus,
he pulled out his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo!






There once was a man from Balan
Who thought stroking his penis was grand
Then he stared with distaste
At the gelatinous paste
That he found in the palm of his hand

Bootup

In a bank in the town of La Grange,
A straight guy did something quite strange,
He groped an old feller,
Then turned to the teller,
Proclaiming, "I'm here just for change."







In a dance hall in old Carson City,
‘Twas a gal who was known as Miss Kitty.
Tattooed on her ass
Were some gunman with class,
And "Billy the Kid" on a titty.







On her body was written her beaus
Just names and without any prose,
And among all those names
You will find "Jesse James,"
If you pull down her panties and hose.








There was once a blonde whore
Who would wear clothes no more.
She did a cartwheel,
But slipped on a peel
...To this day she's still stuck to the floor.

Bootup

There once was a silly young bloke,
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
****ed her into a trance,
And then **** in her shoe for a joke.



A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper,
you careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"



The Pious Mahatma Gandhi
Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide,
Go get me a maid
Or a goat, or anything handy

Bootup

There once was a fellowMcSweeny
Who spilled some gin on hisweenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfrienda martini.




There once was a man RobinHood
Who lived in a Knottinghamwood
He learned how to ****
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever hecould.




There once was a fellowO'Doole
Who found little red spotson his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstickyou fool!



A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some ofhis mates
When he slipped on acutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless ondates.

Bootup

There was a young man named Snodrass,
whose balls were made out of brass.
He knocked them together
and sang "Stormy Weather",
while lightning shot out of his ass.





There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.

Bootup

There once were three ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop--while he was confirming 'em!





Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!



Then a woman who was in the third pew
said something that made the biship turn blue:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Bootup

There was a man from Khartoum
who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
over who had the right
to do what, for how much and to whom.




There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave or convex,
It would do either sex,
But oh what a bastard to clean.

Bootup

A remarkable fellow named Jones,
Could reduce any maiden to moans,
By a technical knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of fourteen erogenous zones.




Jack and Jill Went up the hill
Both of them had a quarter
Jill came down
with fifty cents
And Jack came down with a boner!





There once was a man from Vienna
Who liked to play the piana
His fingers slipped
And his zipper unzipped
And out popped a hairy bannana.

gammygils

There once was a man called Tim

Who thought he was faster than Vim

He was really renouned

And could cover some ground

But Alas now the ground covers him!

Bootup

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."







A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."









There was an old uncle named Sid,
Who would do as his neices would bid,
Read a story 'fore bed,
By which author he said,
Uncle Remus they cried so he did!











There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who dreamt of a great whopping dong
Until her ambition
Came to fruition
She practiced with cucumbers long

Bootup

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.





There once was a pirate named Gates
Who thought he could rumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
And now he is nutless
And practically worthless on dates.



There once was a lass from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
as you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Bootup

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper,
you careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"





The Pious Mahatma Gandhi
Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide,
Go get me a maid
Or a goat, or anything handy




There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a ****"
and walked around looking like a dork.

Bootup

There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, that sod!







There once was a man from Alsass
Who had balls made out of brass
He rubbed them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!




There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who got a funny feeling
So she laid on her back,
Spread open her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

Bootup

The ladies who live in Japan
Exist just for pleasing a man.
They'll give him fellatio
Or a lay on the patio
Or even a goose with a fan.




The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale
And on her behind
for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.



In the Garden of Eden laid Adam,
Complacently strokin' his madam.
Great was his mirth,
For on all of the Earth.
There were only two balls and he had 'em.

Bootup

There once was a chef named Ross
Who was fired one day by his boss
Because he was found
With his pants on the ground
Dripping nasty stuff into the sauce


There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux


It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."

Bootup

It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose **** was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."




It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a ****'s as effective with water."




Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid's Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
****ing precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."

Bootup

There once was a man from Caldare
Who was f*cking this chick on the stair
the banister broke,
he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air.





There once was a man from Saskatoon
who took a ride in a hot-air balloon
he ****ed all the stars
from Venus to Mars
and corn-holed the man in the Moon




There once was a queen from Bulgariar
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru
came up for a screw
and had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.

Johnny.G

There was once a man from shankhill,
Who took to the hydrogen pill,
His mechanical organ was found in Skillorgan,
And his balls in a bush in brazil.

Bootup

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper,
you careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"




The Pious Mahatma Gandhi
Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide,
Go get me a maid
Or a goat, or anything handy

Bootup

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."


There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Sa id the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

Bootup

There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a ****
But think of the money I save."




There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.







There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

Bootup

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife **** the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.


~~~~~

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

~~~~~

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

Bootup

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."




A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.

Bootup

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."




There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.




There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter’s paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

Bootup

A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.




There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!



There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.





There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Bootup

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."




There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

Bootup

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."


A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

Johnny.G

Hi there,

I know this is slightly off topic but I wish to extend my gratitude these limericks make my day.Thank you bootup.

Bootup

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

~~~~~

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

Bootup

There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "****!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."




There was a young man of Pitlochery
Whose morals were simply a mockery,
For under his bed
He'd a woman, instead
Of the usual item of crockery.

Bootup

There once were three ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop -- while he was confirming 'em!


Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!


Then a woman who was in the third pew
said something that made the biship turn blue:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Bootup

Some Halloween Limericks





A witch and a warlock had sex
she went to the doc for some checks
the doc said "Oh dear,
it is herpes, I fear"
and she mixed up a hell of a hex!



It must have been midnight or more
yet there was a knock on my door
now, it's far too darn late
to play trick or treat, mate
but a cute blonde stood there - dial-a-whore.

Bootup

Said Miguel to the gringo, "Senor,
Eef I open thees here closet door,
An' dee lady eenside,
Ees my leetle lost bride,
Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."




There once was a hermit named Dave
Who Kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like ****
But think of the money he saved.


There was a young man of Pitlochery
Whose morals were simply a mockery,
For under his bed
He'd a woman, instead
Of the usual item of crockery.

Bootup

Tho the youthfull and lusty Miss Bount
Had struggled her fullest amount
Against Dracula's might
At the end of her fight
I hear she went down for the Count

Bootup

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than this



On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.



There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid -
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.

Bootup

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air


A young escape artist by the name of Sweeny.
His girl was a bit of a meany.
At the hatch of her snach.
She had a catch that would latch.
And she could only be ****ed by Houdini.